"The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none."
Thomas Carlyle, 1795-1881
She hated him.
Well, at least, she wanted to.
That's what she kept telling herself.
He was a traitor. He was a liar. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing. And he certainly didn't deserve to occupy her mind as much as he did.
It was late at night, well into the morning of the following day. She couldn't sleep. She had tossed and turned fitfully for the last five and a half hours, and no relief was in sight. Sighing, she got up from her bed, donned her yukata, and left her sleeping quarters, leaving her shoes behind.
Where her feet were taking her, she did not know. She paid no attention to the sights or the sounds swallowing her. She only walked, the sound of her feet hitting the wood only distantly reaching her ears.
At one point, her feet stopped. She felt her eyes drawn to the sky. As she looked up, hundreds of stars bathed her in their light, trying to give her some semblance of hope.
Hope for what, she did not know.
She hoped that he would come back, with that stupid smile plastered on his face, and say, "April Fools! Oh, I gotcha good there, Rangiku…"
And yet, she also hoped that he would stay gone, so she could meet him one day, and kill him. Kill him for betraying Soul Society, his squad, her…
What had happened? She thought she knew everything about him; after all, he had been the one to save her in the desert. He had been her only childhood friend, before she got into the Shinigami Academy. He had been the reason why she had worked so hard, and fought for so long, to be a vice-captain, just to try to keep up with him.
Guess it was more one-sided, she thought bitterly.
But still, as the thought crossed her mind, she could not help but scold herself. He had cared about her; she could not doubt that…
"… It would have been nice if my capture had lasted a little longer. Farewell, Rangiku. … Sorry."
It was that last word that really got her.
Sorry.
Sorry for what? Sorry for what he was doing? Nah, that couldn't be it. If he really was sorry, he could have stopped. He could have walked away from Aizen.
Was he sorry that she wasn't coming with him? If he was, well, it was his own damn fault. Maybe if she actually knew what had been going on, things may have turned out differently. Betraying Soul Society was not an appealing option, but if he was sorry that she was being left behind, it certainly wasn't her fault.
Or, she thought, could he be sorry for something completely different entirely? Her brow furrowed. How long has he been planning this? Has he been leading me on this whole time… only to always know that he'd betray me?
She closed her eyes and thought back to the moment that took place less than twenty-four hours ago. His smile, the one that was his constant companion, had faded in those last few moments. There were only a few times in the time she had known him that his smile had faltered. It was a rare occurrence, and its happening was a sign of sincerity.
She sighed and ran a hand through her hair.
She had to say, in all her life, she had never felt so hurt.
Betrayed.
Lost.
"Matsumoto?"
Rangiku turned to see Hitsugaya only a few yards away, also dressed in a yukata, though he had shoes. She smiled sadly. "Captain."
"What are you doing up?"
"… Just thinking. You?"
"… Same."
He came over to stand by her, following her gaze to the stars. Silence, then, "They're beautiful tonight, aren't they?"
Hitsugaya turned to his vice-captain, who was still staring at the sky. "Yes, I suppose."
She looked at her feet. "They're traitors."
He furrowed his brow. "What?"
"The stars. They're liars. So beautiful, and yet…"
"… and yet?"
"… they acted like the day never even happened."
Hitsugaya tried to catch Matsumoto's eyes, but she refused to turn her head in his direction. "Matsumoto…" he tried.
"You know, I thought I meant something to him. At least, a friend. Maybe even a close friend. Maybe even…" she trailed off.
Hitsugaya swallowed. He knew his vice-captain very well, and was very close to her, but still… he was a guy. Comforting girls was not exactly his strong point.
"Matsumoto… I'm sorry."
That got her attention. Her eyes were wide now, and staring directly into his. It was slightly unnerving.
"Don't say that. It's not like it's your fault." She gave a hollow laugh. "In fact, you were right the entire time. The only thing you were off on was that Aizen was the real mastermind, and who could blame you for not getting that part? We all thought he was dead."
She swallowed. "No. Gin… Gin was a traitor from the start."
Hitsugaya placed a hand on her shoulder, words failing him.
"I thought I knew him," she said softly. "I thought we were close. And I wondered why he was acting so strange as of late. But… he refused to tell me anything."
She pursed her lips, getting more annoyed just by thinking about the whole situation. "And then, he thinks he can make it all better by saying 'Sorry' as he leaves?" She shook her head. "The jackass, like always."
She released a great sigh and turned her head back towards the heavens. "It makes me wonder… if I ever could have stopped him. If I had just… paid more attention to the situation, and tried to figure things out—like you did—maybe I could have talked some sense into him…"
Hitsugaya thought for a moment. "Matsumoto… I…"
"It's all right, Captain," she replied before he could say anything more. "I don't think there's anything you could do or say to make me feel better. That's all there is to it."
He was taken aback for a moment; had she been reading his thoughts? He sighed. He wanted to say something—anything—to see the old Matsumoto come back, but words were scarce. I guess… the best thing I can do… is let her be.
He turned to walk away and started walking, but soon stopped and turned back around to face his comrade. "Matsumoto, I know this is hard for you… it is for all of us. But, there's one thing you need to remember."
She turned to face him. "And what is that?"
Hitsugaya took a deep breath and stared directly into her eyes. "There is nothing you could have done to save him, so don't you dare blame yourself."
He could the see shock in her eyes, even if only by the light of the traitorous stars. "Ichimaru… is a smart man. He's not naïve, and he certainly wasn't tricked into doing what he did. He knew all along. I don't think any amount of talking to him or even beating him down would have done any good."
She swallowed and nodded slowly. "Maybe you're right."
"I know I'm right," he said confidently. "Ichimaru was not one to bow to others or to tell of his plans."
She smiled sadly. "He did have a nasty habit of leaving without telling me where he was going."
"You can't let his actions make you feel like a failure. You have to let him take responsibility, and then you can take up your own."
Silence. Then a quiet "Thank you," fell from her lips.
Hitsugaya smiled, if only slightly. He turned once again and started walking away. "We're going to have a very busy day tomorrow, Matsumoto," he said over his shoulder. "Don't stay out too late. The last thing I need is you falling asleep in the office again."
Matsumoto couldn't hold back the quiet laughter. "Okay Captain. I'll try my best."
Her eyes found the stars again, but this time, they did not look so adulterous. She was still betrayed, still hurt, still utterly confused. But… she had a new faith in herself.
Hitsugaya's words still rang in her ears.
"There is nothing that could have been done to save him, so don't you dare blame yourself."
She smiled, albeit somewhat bitterly. Wherever you are, Gin, don't think you've gotten away so easy. If you want me to forgive you for screwing us all over, I will.
But don't think I'll go easy on you. You have to own up to what you did.
I'll be waiting for that day
My first Bleach fanfic. The quote at the top of the page kinda inspired this, even though it was not a really strong theme in the fic. I'm hoping I kept all characters in character... . Gin/Ran has to be my favorite pairing... Anyways, more of these are probably to come. I love reviews and constructive criticism; don't bother with flames. I don't care what you have to say to me if you can't say anything nice or helpful. Hope you enjoyed.