A/N: A post AC Kadaj ficcy that came to me while I was listening to Apocalyptica. I think this story will have just about anything except humour (also not sure if there will be any romantic pairing at all at this stage) , mostly centred on Kadaj trying to fit in and learn to accept his own true identity rather than brooding over being a puppet and living in the shadow of the one that created him. Basically it's just a young man's journey into redemption and awakening to his own potential. Reviews would be most welcome. Please enjoy.

NEVER A MEMORY

"This is the place where I made my best mistakes

This is the place even angels don't understand."

Elvis Costello "Our Little Angel"

We need mother's power…

Him…He's coming back…

…

We All go together…

…

I will... never be a memory!

Pain dragged him from the nightmare-infused depths of a void he had been cast into somehow. Pain devoured the light in his eye, and it kept him alive. His mind refused to switch off, trying to hold onto an existence torn asunder by wounds no ordinary mortal could endure.

Ghostly pale lashes fluttered open, revealing green-blue irises blearily regarding the unfamiliar surroundings he was confined to.

Alongside the high-tech computer and medical equipment were a spotless, chrome sink and shining chrome shelves lined with medical supplies, glassware, and surgical instruments. The greenish fluorescent light overhead flooded the laboratory and glared in Kadaj's sensitized eyes and made him slightly nauseated.

Every tendon and bone in his body ached as he feebly pulled against the leather straps that firmly bound the youth to the surgical table. His naked form was strapped to an operating table of sorts, with only a thin, starched white sheet covering his slim hips for some measure of modesty. Monitoring electrodes were attached to his bare chest, his pale arms and wrists.

His fingers numb from lack of use, clenched and unclenched slowly, teeth grinding at the unexpected, sharp flicker of pain. Every shallow breath seemed to sear his lungs. Kadaj moaned quietly, trying to make some sense of his horrid predicament. Wearily, he stared at the white-washed ceiling silently, inhaling the faint bleach and disinfectant smell that pervaded the room.

The diaphanous veil of memories lifted slowly, revealing disturbing visions of the events that had led him here. Blurred images and muffled voices flooded his consciousness, as Kadaj remembered…Defeat at the hands of Cloud, the gentle sprig of rain that soothed and stung his flesh at the same time, the soft female voice that beckoned him, promising sweet, peaceful slumber…And amidst all this pandemonium he vaguely remembered being carried away by Cloud, the ice-cold fury of Sephiroth refusing to be banished into the lifestream, keeping his torn body alive, insistently lingering like a festering sore at the very core of his being, driving him to the edge of madness…

"How is he?"

"Barely breathing, I don't think he'll make it sir."

"Don't hurt him any more than necessary…"

…

"Must you do this, Rufus?"

"He must be contained, Cloud. We can't risk a third disaster."

"Sephiroth is gone, and Jenova destroyed with him. Kadaj poses no threat to the Planet."

"Do not be so naïve Cloud. You of all people should realize as long as Kadaj lives, the threat is never really gone. As long as he lives, so does the nightmare. In fact, the only thing that's keeping him alive is the Jenova cells…"

….

Kadaj did not dare close his eyes. He was afraid to do so, lest the nightmares returned with darkness to assault him once more. His angular features distorted into a grimace.

The ties that once bound him to Mother were severed irreparably. There was no trace of the powerful, imposing presence that once animated his being. Lifestream took its vengeance upon him and his brothers, and somehow he lived through it.

Maybe this was the ultimate punishment for his transgressions against the Planet; reducing him to this broken shell, a half-being no more than the pale ghost of the black-winged ravaging angel of Jenova. He did not care any more. He wanted death more than anything, yet why was he still alive?

"Most impressive. I suppose I should not be surprised at your amazing recovery."

Kadaj whipped his silver head toward the voice, wincing at the tiny jolt of pain that accompanied that meager little effort. Opaque green-blue eyes studied the tall, blonde man clad in his usual impeccable white suit, with open hostility, then drifted back to the blank spot at the ceiling.

"What do you want?" His voice carried no emotion.

Rufus Shinra brushed a blonde lock out of his eyes and observed the bound youth with a stoic expression. The dark blazing fire within the young man's eyes were gone, reduced to mere ashes. Lying there helpless, vulnerable like this, it was difficult to envision him as the formidable, mighty Sephiroth. Such an entity could not be easily dismissed however, Rufus mused warily. Although, what lay before him now was a parody of life, forsaken and shattered. How rapidly the tables had turned, the roles reversed.

"What I want is for you to die and take the last remnants of the nightmare with you." Rufus shrugged nonchalantly, his voice bearing no malice or anger, simply stating a fact. "But it's not up to me to decide."

Kadaj flinched without meaning to. Impotent anger and frustration burned hot within him, scorching all thought and reason, and much to his shock, filling his eyes with tears that he rapidly blinked away. He'd rather die than expose himself in such an undignified manner…

"What are you going on about?" He managed to ask, trying to sound indifferent.

"What I want does not matter, Kadaj. In this case, it is what you want for yourself that will decide your fate."

"Meaning?" Kadaj sighed in resignation. He had had enough of the man's tiresome mind games.

"Someone believes you can be redeemed after all." A pause. "In fact they are here to see you. Shall I let them in, Kadaj?"

Redemption… was nothing more than a tarnished, false hope that held no meaning for him at all. He didn't need forgiveness…His only absolution would come if he joined his brothers in the lifestream… Lifestream that had already rejected him…

Kadaj wondered what it would feel like to be his own person, live a normal life, and learn to appreciate and enjoy its infinite simplicities.

As if…

He blamed the unsettling turn of his thoughts to delirium and suffering.

"Yes." He whispered despite himself. "But not like this!"

"I apologize for the inconvenience, but I can't release you just yet. I am sure you can understand."

Kadaj bit his lower lip. Clearly, the man enjoyed seeing him wretched and suffering like this. He had no choice but to swallow his pride for the moment.

"Who are they?" He asked quietly. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't keep his voice from shaking.

"You shall see for yourself soon enough." Rufus said, and headed out into the hallway, closing the door softly behind him.

Kadaj closed his eyes, and waited silently…