""The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."
-Harriet Beecher Stowe
Even as you teach the profiling class, you can't help but make sure that you have an escape path.
That you have a way out.
Because even though you should have seen it, you didn't.
And you can still feel the blood on your hands.
Because all of those agents are dead because you trusted a sociopath.
Why on earth would you do that?
The familiar question is burned into your mind.
And you worry that you may never have the answer.
And you may never be able to go back.
Because even though people say that you are "the best" at the whole profiling game, you can't help but feel as though you have too muich blood on your hands.
And you're just not sure you want to remember all of that blood.
You and Hotch have already discussed the application of the woman sitting next to you.
Little does she know she's already made it into the BAU.
The formalities should be finished next week, and you're not supposed to let her know,
But she's a shoo-in.
Trailing the car, you can tell she's getting antsy.
"You know what one word is in your file more than anything else?" You ask, hoping to guide her into becoming the expert profiler you know she can be.
She shrugs, obviously worried that it is something extremly unflattering or inappropriate.
"Impatient." You supply.
Her relief is visible, and if the situation weren't so dire, you'd be tempted to laugh.
But she gives a good reason for wanting to stop the car.
And in the end she was right.
And you're glad that you remembered to trust the agents you're working with.
Because it's easy to forget.
Especially after Boston.
It's Reid's birthday.
As much as he acts embarrassed by the large party that JJ and Morgan have thrown for him,
You don't miss the way his eyes dance with glee.
You suspect that he's never had a properly celebrated birthday,
And feeling special--it's down right addictive.
But you also don't miss the slight smile on his face as he admits JJ's special nickname for you.
And you've always loved playing Matchmaker.
When you give Reid the tickets to the football game, you already know that he thinks the two of you will be going together,
Almost like a true father/son outing.
But in your opinion, a date with a nice girl is just what Spencer Reid needs.
And you know that JJ loves football--especially the Redskins.
So you know she'll say yes.
But you've also picked up that she's somewhat attracted to your young protege,
Which makes you know that not only will she say yes,
She'll be delighted.
Watching the whole scene unfold, you wish you had a camera.
Because this is one moment you never want to forget.
As you sit across from Adrian Bale, you feel two things.
You want to punch him in the face.
And you want to throw up.
Because this man, this pathetic monster is responsible for the death of six of your agents.
But really, it's you that's responsible, because you are the one who sent them in.
And you will never forgive yourself for it.
But there is a man to save, innocent lives that have been hurt by Adrian Bale.
So you easily admit to the guilt that's been haunting you for almost a year.
It's not hard to write out your confession.
But then, you're faced with the decision once more--
The choice to believe what Bale has told you before,
Or to believe him now.
You know he's a coward,
And you don't want to believe him at all.
But a man's life is at stake.
So you remind him of the stakes, how much he has to lose,
And you realize, that no matter what he has the potential of getting,
The thrill of detonating that bomb is going to be far too much.
You check, one more time, to make sure you are clear on what he said.
"Cut the blue." You tell the technician, shocking those in the room.
All you had to do was remember.
Maybe it was seeing what people can do to each other.
Maybe it was telling the girl in the church that you only believe in God's punishment if you feel that you have something to feel guilty for.
Whatever it was, you suddenly realize your own mortality.
And how much you still have left to do.
So you go skydiving, because really, the question isn't: Why go skydiving?
It's: Why NOT go skydiving?
And you're stuck back in Quantico with the tech girl.
The whole team seems to keep calling her office, so it only makes sense for you to stay there.
But it's hot and stuffy.
But you notice how the tech girl tries to accommodate you,
and even as you solve the case and throw away the crutches, you remember.
You remember that you should do something nice for the tech girl.
Because you know that you're not always easy to deal with.
Maybe you should get her an MP3 player, or whatever those things are called.
You can't help but remember what it feels like to be a parent.
And in this case, it doesn't help you in profiling.
Because you understand what the parents are going through, and it's terrifying, but there's a little girl to find.
A little girl who misses her dog and likes to play soccer.
And this is one case that you are desperate to win.
And you do.
But when Elle suggests that Billie would be better if her parents stayed apart, you can't help but correct her.
Because you remember how distraught Steven was at his mother's death,
and a part of you wonders if she were still alive, would you and Steven be closer?
You hope not,
because that would mean that you failed as a parent,
and that's not something you want to be remembered by.
When you first meet Sarah Jean Dawes, you feel very little sympathy for her.
Because she murdered her two-year-old son and the police never found the body.
But as you get to know her, you can't help but think that this is all wrong.
That this woman in front of you doesn't seem capable of hurting a fly, let alone an innocent two year old.
The facts just don't add up.
So you look, you keep digging,
because you know that eventually the facts have to add up.
But when she's standing in front of you, practically confessing that she gave up Riley for adoption only to confess to his murder,
you just can't stomach it.
Because you thought you knew what it was like to be a parent.
You thought you knew what it was like to love your child.
But to love him enough to give him up? To love him enough to sacrifice your own life so that he would never know where he came from?
It terrifies you that you've never even thought of that type of love.
And she's practically begging you to let her die.
So that her secret can die with her, and the world will never know what a wonderful mother she was.
And you acquiesce, but it saddens you.
Because for all of the movie stars that will live in infamy,
for all of those who are famous and don't deserve the praise of the world,
There are Sarah Jean Dawes in the world that will never be remembered.
People like Sarah Jean who are heros, but their acts are so courageous that the world will only look on their lives in contempt.
But at least you will remember.
You've done plenty of work for the CIA.
But when Bruno comes to you, telling you of his agent's death, you can't help but feel surprised.
Because the Bruno that you remember is not the same man standing in front of you.
And it's a tragedy to his memory that he would betray his country.
But after the things you've seen, you've learned not to rely solely on your memories.
Because some people lie.
And some people steal.
And some people murder.
And you just have to remember that you aren't one of those people.
You've been violated in your own home.
You thought that at the cabin, the death couldn't catch you there.
But then the UnSub came on your turf.
Your Turf!
He sent the head of a dead body to you.
When you were supposed to be on a date with Sarah,
In a place you felt safe.
It's almost too much to take.
But you have to remember that you're in charge. That you have to be in control.
Because if you're not going to find this UnSub, then who is?
And you disregard his rules.
Because you've always been opposed to letting the UnSub call the shots.
You just have to remember that you're in control.
Elle's been shot, and it's because of you.
Because you couldn't remember the rules.
Maybe more that you wouldn't remember the rules.
You all could have stayed quiet, and played his game.
But it was your decision not to.
And it frightens you that your team could be targetted by this UnSub.
Because he found you in your secluded cabin--and he found Elle at home.
What else could he do to the members of your team?
You feel like it's happening all over again.
Part of you worries that because you felt as though you had been invaded,
that you acted rashly.
But you've never been one to let the UnSub play his game.
Because you know that to profile, you have to stay one step ahead of them.
But it is because of you that she got shot.
But there's nothing you can do about it now.
You just have to remember that.
It saddens you, the pain that people can inflict on each other.
When you ask Jeffery why he did it, his answer chills you more than any UnSub you've interviewed.
"Because I wanted to."
You know that Elle and Hotch are having a confrontation, and you can't help but wonder if her killing Lee was for a similar reason.
"Because I wanted to."
Jeffery's words ring in your mind as you see JJ comforting Tracy Belle.
You know that she's going to pick up a lot of the extra responsibilities left behind with Elle's departure,
And you can't help but beam with pride at the agent she's becoming.
But more than the Agent, you are proud of the way she's been able to maintain her humanity.
Her sense of caring.
Watching JJ comfort the young girl, you can't help but think that she will make a wonderful mother.
You just hope that she, like you, will remember the good times.
And not be haunted by the words of the child.
"Because I wanted to."
You're sitting in the room with the woman that wrote the book your UnSub is basing his crimes off of.
It's really your only hope.
When Hotch calls, and informs you that Morgan is currently sitting by the side of a terrified woman as ATF disarms the bomb that could blow them to shreds,
She states that she has no idea who your UnSub could be.
And then you know,
You don't have time for plesantries.
And you tell her the only thing you know right now.
"A young man I greatly admire and respect is risking his life right now."
You hope that's enough to get her to look again,
Because she just has to remember the student that would write the manifesto.
She just has to remember.
You see how ready Hotch is to turn on Derek Morgan.
You know that Hotch is loyal, but the very idea that he might have secrets makes Aaron Hotchner willing to conceed his guilt.
But everyone has secrets.
You have secrets.
And you can partially understand why Morgan doesn't want the team poking into his private life,
Because it's nice to keep some things separate from this world of death and pain.
But you can't let Hotch get so caught up in the rules that he forgets the team.
Because you know that one day he'll regret it.
Because you do admire and respect Derek Morgan.
And you know one thing.
You know it for sure.
Derek Morgan is not a killer.
It's just like when Elle got shot.
If he dies it's going to be your fault.
Because you were the one that had Garcia remove the files off the internet--stealing his platform.
Because you wanted Reid to remember that it wasn't his fault.
But you knew that this was the only way to catch the UnSub.
But if Reid dies, you're not sure you can live with that.
You know that Emily Prentiss is a good agent.
You also know that she respects you.
But when she brings up the fact that something is going on with Reid,
You snap.
Because does she really think you are that blind?
That you wouldn't notice that Reid has a drug problem?
But you, of anyone, don't have any room to talk about dealing with the aftermath of traumatizing experiences.
But you believe that Reid will come to you.
That he'll talk to you.
Emily's question, though you brush it off quickly, does help you realize something.
Reid will never come to you to talk about it.
Because he's afraid that you'll think he's weak.
And he wants you to be proud of him.
So it's easy to find him, he's easy to profile.
And with your discussion, you will remember one thing.
Spencer Reid is going to be just fine.
Charlie Chaplan.
You love his schtick.
Because even after almost a hundred years, you can sit down and laugh.
And it feels really good to laugh.
It's something that you show to all of the recruits at Quantico,
because this big building can be terrifying, and sometimes people take themselves too seriously.
And everyone needs to remember to laugh.
And even if it means that you have to put the victims out of your mind for just a moment, you think that maybe Charlie Chaplan can help restore your sanity.
When you stumble in to find the team working on a hypothetical case, you think for a minute that maybe they've gone insane.
That rather than looking at dead bodies, they'd rather profile a case that doesn't exist yet.
But when they point out the profile--the House Cleaner--and point out that there could be more than 63 victims, you sit down and join them.
Because hypothetical or not, 63 victims are a lot of people to help.
When you head to Kansas, and help find the UnSub, you are disgusted by his view of people.
That he thought he could just throw them away.
And you need something to restore your sanity.
Luckily for you, you have Charlie Chaplan.
After the case, when the whole team joins you for some old time comedy
You remember--they need sanity too.
And you just hope that Charlie Chaplan is good enough.
You have a date with Sarah and it makes you smile.
Because it's been a while since you've been interested in a woman.
And she lets you cook, and enjoys listening about birds,
But she's an interesting person herself.
Trying to buy flowers for her is a nightmare.
Because you want her to feel special,
You want her to know how you feel about her,
But you don't want to take it too far.
For the briefest of moments, you think you see Jane.
And it terrifies you that Frank could be back.
So even though you're sure that it couldn't possibly be true--
An UnSub couldn't be targeting you again,
You rush home.
And you find her.
Dead.
You've seen far too much death in this world, but seeing Sarah's body cut open with blood all over your home,
It's a little too much to handle.
By the end of this, you'll be lucky if you remember your own name.
You know that by releasing Nathan Tubbs that the copycat will find him.
He's the UnSub, you're sure of it.
But when you don't get there in time, when two bodies are dead because of you,
You don't know if you can live with yourself,
Because a question in your mind continues to haunt you,
And you don't think you'll ever be able to forget it.
What if you were wrong?
You write, though you know the words sound empty,
Even to you.
"I knew it would be you who came to the cabin to check on me,"
You know that Reid will never forgive you for leaving him.
"You must be frightened, and I apologize for that."
You probably won't forgive yourself.
"I never meant to cause you any pain."
But you need him to understand why.
"But I also never envisioned writing this letter."
Because, more than anyone else, you want him to remember you.
Because even though you are a father, Spencer Reid was more of a son to you than he'll ever realize.
And you're going to leave him too.
Just like you left Stephen.
As you think back to all of the good you and the team have done, it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.
Because you have seen far too much death in your life.
And no one should have to witness so much cruelty.
But you can't do it anymore, and you need to find your happy ending.
Because you desperately need to remember that there is some good in this world. That despite all of the evil that you see every day, you don't want to remember the evil.
You want to remember the good.
"I said at the beginning that I knew it would be you who came up here. I'm so sorry the explanation couldn't be better. And I'm so sorry the explaination doesn't make more sense. But I've already told you, I just don't understand any of it anymore. I'm sorry."
You write the words quickly. As if you try to write as fast as you know he will read it.
But no matter how quickly you write, you know that it will never be enough.
But you just can't do it anymore.
And you need to believe in happy endings.
"Birds sing after a storm. Why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?"
-Rose Kennedy