DISCLAIMER: Rocket Power belongs to Klasky-Csupo and "Sympathy" belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls. I own nothing. Nada. Zip.

Sympathy

How the hell did I get this way? I am seventeen, for crying out loud—I mean, they say that the best years of your life are your teen years. But then again, what do "they" know? And who is "they"? I guess society in general. But society is not right. I mean, if society was right, there would be no racism, no discrimination, no lack of morals. There would never have been a Holocaust or terrorist attacks, no witch trials, no election (and re-election) of George W. Bush….

Society would think I would die under my conditions. After all, society does include my best friends, Otto, Reggie, and Sam. My parents are a part of society. My brother Lars is part of society. My friends and family are always telling me that I need to stop stressing out so much. They say it is not good for me. Don't get me wrong, I don't like it myself, but life is hard, and it would be impossible not to stress out.

Stranger than your sympathy

This is my apology

I'm killing myself from the inside out

And all my fears have pushed you out

Stress is unavoidable. Especially this year. I even broke out in shingles a few weeks ago. The rash spread all over my chest, and when I went to the doctor for it, she told me that it was caused by all the stressors. Of course, my mother was sitting in the room telling the doctor that I seemed fine, but that was just because of her lack of knowledge. I can no longer talk to my mother, and therefore, she knows only enough to satisfy her, while I still keep most of my skeletons in the closet.

But life is rough. For one thing, I keep falling for the girls that I cannot have. It is a simple, basic story. For two years, I had had a crush on a girl in my school. Not only was she pretty, but she was not like normal girls. She was not one of the popular girls, but rather an individual. She never followed any trends in school and the insults she received for it never fazed her. She was petite, with a beautiful, curvy body that contradicted the bony, emaciated bodies of women today. Her face was soft and gentle, with warm brown eyes and a small but sweet smile surrounded by perfect lips.

I wish for things that I don't need

All I wanted

And what I chase won't set me free

All I wanted

And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees

Yeah, she was a prize…not just in looks but in personality. But naturally, she was out of my league. Needless to say, she got a boyfriend and treated me only as a friend. But I viewed her as a goddess…she was my angel. For two years, thoughts of being with her comforted me in my times of suffering and got me through the torment of life. But now, thinking of her was torment itself…

When I saw her with her boyfriend for the first time in the cafeteria, it did make me question my rationality. What made me go for girls I couldn't have? What if I did get them? What would happen in life? Would things be better or worse? Would love ever set me free? So far, love has only hurt me. Pretty much every girl I have ever liked has just hurt me…by getting another boyfriend, or just rejecting me altogether. Maybe I'm just not meant to love. Maybe I'm meant to live like Edward Scissorhands—all alone and unwanted. But even he got a girl…sort of.

Oh yeah, everything's all wrong, yeah

Everything's all wrong, yeah

Where the hell did I think I was?

Unrequited love, however, is not my only problem. There's quite a long list of my issues, and some are bigger than others. My parents, my friends and social life, school, work, everything. It just feels like everything that can go wrong will. Nothing in my life is what it used to be, and anything new just feels like I'm in a different place…like I'm not in Ocean Shores anymore. It feels like I'm in this new city where everything is opposite of what I'm used to, and I am no longer welcome.

Stranger than your sympathy

I take these things so I don't feel

I'm killing myself from the inside out

Now my head's been filled with doubt

Last night, I sat in my backyard until one in the morning, doped up on Tylenol. I know, I know, it's not good to overdose on pills, but the payoff is good. I only take about six or eight at a time, maybe chase them down with a beer or two, and I feel extremely loopy for a couple of hours, and then I get tired and fall asleep. It numbs the pain. But I don't have a problem. I only do it sometimes, and it's not like it's heroin or anything.

Besides, what's the worst that could happen to me? I could die? What's so bad about that? I mean, life isn't good anymore. Mom and Dad are always down my throat, Lars is still an asshole, I barely see my friends anymore (even though they live next door), I have no luck with girls, and I'm having a hard time balancing school and my job at a local fast-food joint (not the Shore Shack--Raymundo and Tito had to shut that down years ago when they went bankrupt). It's just difficult to live, so what's the big deal if it all ends?

It's hard to lead the life you choose

All I wanted

When all your luck's run out on you

All I wanted

You can't see when all your dreams are coming true

I mean, I tried to fix things. I really did. I tried to talk things out with my parents. Whenever one of them started to yell at me over my grades, or Lars, or whatever, I tried to calmly talk things out. But they just kept hollering. I tried to work on my friendships, but Sam was always busy with school and extracurricular computer activities, and Reggie and Otto were always working or hanging out with their significant others. I found it so ridiculous that they rarely made time for me…what was it that drove them away? Maybe they just pretended to be busy so they wouldn't hurt my feelings. But am I really that repulsive?

Things were so much better before I turned twelve…life was more fun and things were easier. No one (except Lars) was constantly down my throat. But now, everything has changed. I always pictured my teen years as a happier period of time. I always thought the days would be spent surfing as late as I wanted, being able to go more places with Otto, Reggie, and Sam, and having more privileges without full responsibility. The image of my friends and me surfing underneath the evening sky without a care in the world (or a shoobie on the beach) still rests in the back of my mind, for it will only remain a fantasy and a lost dream.

Oh yeah, it's easy to forget, yeah

You choke on the regrets, yeah

Who the hell did I think I was?

Life just isn't what it used to be. The good times were so long ago that I fear they will leave my memory any day now. I fear that the burden of life and the pain I've known for so long will drive out my good memories like the Nazis drove the Jews out of their homes and into the extermination camps in attempt to drive them out of existence. The good memories would then be replaced with regret—regret that I can't fix things, that life did not go the way I had planned. That I lost myself and went from a happy, carefree child to a depressed, lonely teen. The transition often made me question who I really was—and if I were someone else, would my life had gone differently? Who was I? Who have I become?

Stranger than your sympathy

All these thoughts you stole from me

I'm not sure where I belong

Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong

I know my family is not what it used to be. I used to fit in with my family. My only problem was Lars, and when he pulled any type of shit on me, Mom and Dad had my back. But not anymore. Now, if Lars does something, we're both to blame. My mom swears that Lars and I are both mean to each other, and yeah, I've said and done a few things to him that I shouldn't have, but my parents should know by now the type of shit he pulls and the fact that he usually starts things. Just last week, at the dinner table, we were all having a conversation, and when I said something, Lars sat there and mocked me. I told him to shut up just as my mother began to scold us. Lars was then done with dinner, so he put his plate on the counter and headed up to his room. I looked at my mother and said, "I'm getting sick of the way he treats me."

"Well you're not so nice to him, either," my mom replied in a harsh tone. "You need to stop getting mad in the mornings when you two drive to school."

"Well he's been making me late," I reasoned.

"I don't care, you two need to stop treating each other like shit. Things would probably be better if you weren't so mean to him sometimes," she continued to scold. Can you believe that? I'm mean to Lars? Bullshit. He's the one who always mocks me, snaps over everything I say, ridicules and criticizes me, and even on occasion, hits me. It's so fucking ridiculous and I don't understand why Mom has stuck her head in the clouds over it.

Even if Lars isn't involved, Mom is always on my case about something. I think she wants me to fear her, because of the way she's always yelling and screaming at me over stupid things, like how often I wash my hands or how late I sleep in on the weekends. I even get yelled at for expressing my opinions. I remember last year, when my family was at the dinner table , we were all talking, and somehow the conversation landed on shampoo (don't ask me how). I told my mother that I did not like a certain brand because they tested on animals. My mother looked me in the eye and said, "Maurice, that's ridiculous; you're going too far with this vegetarian thing."

Oh what else? Well, when we fight, I state my feelings and argue my points as logically as I can (unfortunately, I am bad at debating and presenting the facts), and my mother would mock my words or tell me how ridiculous I am. It's like she's trying to instill fear in me so that my thoughts will match hers and I won't have a single opinion of my own.

Then there's Dad. He simply agrees with everything my mother says. Even if he doesn't say anything, he will just copy my mother's cold stares and project them towards me. Sometimes he'll say something extreme, like, "If you hate us, then move out. I hope you do soon," or "Fine, if you don't want to eat meat, then you can go out back and eat the grass."

So basically, my house is not a home, but a torture chamber. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a concentration camp where my mom is Hitler, Dad and Lars are Nazi guards, and I am a helpless Jew, tortured and criticized until it's time to hit the gas chambers.

And I wasn't all the things

I tried to make believe I was

And I wouldn't be the one to kneel

Before the dreams I wanted

And all the talk and all the lies

Were all the empty things disguised as me

Yeah, stranger than your sympathy, stranger than your sympathy

I'm just not what I used to be…I no longer live the live I used to live and I am no longer the happy child I used to be. For a long time, I tried to go back to normal. I tried to fix things. I tried to make life good again. But I simply couldn't. I'm stuck as who I am now and things remain the way that they are now despite my efforts. My faith has disappeared with my former life and no matter what I do, I can't change it. My dreams were shot to hell and to kneel before any new ones would just lead to more pain down the road. All I can do now is put on a fake smile to cover up my life. I don't want anyone to know my pain; I don't want anyone to pity me. Mainly, I don't think I can let anyone in anymore. I just have to talk and smile (and practically lie) my way through this life and secretly die inside. I need to cover up the emptiness (by emptiness, I mean the emptiness of love, acceptance, and happiness; I am not empty, for I feel plenty of negative emotions.) with a fake smile until…well, I don't know. But all of this is for now. While I'm depressed, lonely, faithless, and unaccepted…maybe someday society will accept me again.

Actually, I hate society. That's what I opened this thought process with. I hate society. I guess what I meant to say is that maybe someday I will be loved again…maybe life will get better. Or maybe I'll die alone and insane. Who knows? Right now, I know I'm just the Edward Scissorhands of Ocean Shores. Originally wanted, but alone in the end. How the hell did I get this way?

It's me, I'm Benji's Riot Gurl, I just got a new computer and for some weird reason, couldn't (and still can't) log onto so I had to get a new account and put the link to the old one in my profile. It's been awhile since I've written, but it's simply because I have grown lazy. I discovered I could write more if I just wrote the fic out on paper and then type it upsince I get brain-dead when I write on the computer. I have more Rocket Power fics coming, I have an In A Heartbeat one on the drawing board and I am brainstorming for many The Emperor's New School fics, so stay tuned.