The IDEAburger

by petethehotdog

Harry enters a food competition. Submission for the English Idioms Challenge, Level 2. Idioms: "Half-baked idea" and "Too little, too late." Warning: 4 swear words, early on. Warning: Horrible food descriptions. DO NOT REPLICATE THESE DISHES AT HOME! Genre is tragedy in terms of the food.

The IDEAburger

Hot Dog Pete

Friday 20 February 2015

Note: No offence to Gordon Ramsey or Wolfgang Puck, I'm just borrowing your names as they have legendary reputations.

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"Ew! What the fuck is this piece of shit? It takes like you searched garbage dumps for moldy food to barely cook and serve on a plate!"

"Um, well, I called it the Idea—"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, BITCH! Next!"

Why does Gordon Ramsey have to be so mean? I'm only 7 BLOODY YEARS OLD! WHO DOES HE THINK I AM, WOLFGANG PUCK?

-FLASHBACK-

"Okay, you have 45 minutes to cook up a dish for Gordon Ramsey featuring Cheese. Good Luck. Begin… NOW!"

Harry ran over to the pantry, and grabbed as many cheeses as he could and brought them to his station. Unloading them, he raced back over to the pantry to contemplate what he would make for the competition. He walked around, and around, and around, looking intensely at each vegetable, at each grain, at each cut of meat. He went in circles, all around the pantry, staring at the ingredients to hopefully find inspiration.

The other competitors had ideas as soon as the Host lady said cheese. While slower than Harry in the race to the cheeses, they all grabbed the cheeses, and other ingredients, that they needed for their dishes in less than a minute. Everybody, excluding Harry, had 44 minutes to cook their dish with the ingredients they had, with the pantry open in case that they forgot. Everybody had things cooking on the stove, in the oven, or even on the grill, in the case of a young girl named Tracey who was grilling up a sirloin patty for a CHEESEburger. Emphasis on the cheese part.

The other competitors were cooking up a storm, using all of their culinary skills and gadgets, while Harry wandered around like a kid in a candy store.

But he wasn't a kid in a candy store. He was a kid in a pantry searching for ingredients to pair with cheese for a timed cooking competition. For thirty minutes, he went in circles. Thirty minutes, before his mind made the connection of cheese and meat and bread. Thirty minutes, for him to come up with the idea of the IDEAburger. Different, from the CHEESEburger that the Tracey girl was making in station 3.

Harry had 15 minutes to create the IDEAburger. The Iceburg lettuce, Dill pickle, Egg, and Avocado burger. Sadly, for Harry, he only had 15 minutes instead of the 44 that the other competitors had. In a wild frenzy, Harry whipped up a storm in the kitchen, though, a chaotic storm. Not a good storm. Errant slices of pickle, shell pieces embedded in the egg yolk, bland guacamole, and wilted lettuce came out of the mess. With five minutes left, he frantically began to cook up his food. The competitors were almost completely done. Seven out of the twelve competitors were outright done, three of them were plating, and one other, the Tracey girl with her CHEESEburger, was slicing more cheese for her burger.

One minute left. Everybody, including the Tracey girl with her CHEESEburger, had finished. Except for Harry, who everybody was now staring at. His station was a horrific mess, as though a personal miniature whirlwind slammed through, scattering thing everywhere. Harry was done attempting to cook his ground beef patty, even though it was still 80% rare. His cheese, partially melted, partially frozen cold, laid on top like a blanket—a wadded up one, though. As he began the plating process, he somehow managed to make his station even more messy. His plate had random bits of toppings strewn about the plate similar to cloudy designs in the sky. His burger was upside down, somehow tilted sideways. His buns were overcooked, giving the IDEAburger a sort of half-baked feeling.

Harry gave too little effort into the competition too late to do anything except make a culinary disaster. But Harry doesn't do normal things. He exceeds expectations. So while normal people would create culinary disasters, Harry constructed the biggest catastrophe in food history.

"TIME! Everybody step away from your stations and get ready for judging."

-END FLASHBACK-

"And the winner of this competition is Tracey, with her CHEESEburger. In the words of the judge Gordon Ramsey, 'It was the only edible plate of food from anybody. And my congratulations go to Harry Potter, who somehow committed the worst culinary sin in the history of culinary sins.' So Good job Tracey! WHOO!"

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