Title: Friends
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks, or any of the characters. Don't sue! ;)

Author's note: So, this is my first attempt at a Jen/Tilly fic. It's set directly after the last time we saw them together on-screen, when they agree to be friends. This took me quite a while to write, and I'm quite proud of it, so any comments would be very much appreciated. Enjoy! :)

''If we're going to be friends, you really need to stop doing that..'' Tilly says, sighing almost pleadingly as she gazes fleetingly down at Jen's lips. The facade of friendship was all very well and good, but Tilly knew deep down that it was only a matter of time before one or both of them simply gave in to their heart.

''Doing what?'' Jen's eyebrows furrow in confusion as she glances questioningly towards Tilly, awkwardly shifting further away from her on the table as she reluctantly breaks eye contact, frantically looking anywhere except directly at her. Tilly knows that look all too well. It's the look which symbolises Jen's emotional barriers coming up, the look which wordlessly tells Tilly that she's about to be on the receiving end of another one of Jen's ''We can't do this'' speeches. She perserveres anyway, despite knowing her attempts will most likely be futile.

''Telling me we're just friends, then looking at me as though you want to kiss me just as much as I want to kiss you right now.'' Tilly reaches out then, carefully brushing a loose strand of hair away from Jen's face and trying not to notice the way Jen flinches slightly at the contact.

Jen often thought that the whole fairytale perception of love was simply just a myth which was shoved down everyone's throat from the earliest possible age. It's not that she was a cynical person. In fact, she had often driven her uni flatmates to the brink of insanity due to her enthusiasm towards life in general. She found beauty in the most simplistic and trivial aspects of life. Like waking up at the crack of dawn to witness the sun slowly peeking over the rooftops, or spending hours on end glancing out into the garden and observing birds going through the arduous task of carefully constructing a nest in a nearby tree.

No, Jen was most certainly not cynical, by any stretch of the imagination. Except, perhaps, when it came to love. Sure, she had loved before. She loved her last girlfriend greatly, in fact. But never once in her whole life had Jen ever felt that instant spark which is portrayed constantly in fairytales. That key moment in your life when, without even speaking to another person, you simply look at them and just know you want that person in your life. Jen experienced that feeling for the very first time upon observing Tilly at the art exhibition.

''I wasn't, I was just..'' Jen's pathetic attempt at making an excuse is unapologetically cut short by Tilly. She knows the routine by now, can almost predict each of Jen's responses.

''Yes. You were. You always do.'' Tilly smiles, gently reaching down and covering Jen's hand with her own and letting her thumb trace random patterns across the soft skin.

''This is such a mess.'' Jen slides herself off the table, pulling her hand out from under Tilly's and hurriedly walking across the room, sitting on a spare chair against the wall. She craved to be close to Tilly, yet was completely incapable of being within a metre of her without her body betraying her emotions.

Jen had virtually given up her entire social life for the past three years studying to be a teacher. She remembered so vividly the first time she knew for sure that she wanted to teach. At the age of 10, Jen had been in art class when the teacher had gathered all the students round the front of the class to show them a beautiful landscape painting. She can still remember the way her teacher's eyes lit up as he explained the piece to the class, the way he seemed so truly captivated by the image and the way he in turn passed that enthusiasm onto the entire class. Jen knew right then that she wanted to teach and inspire students in exactly that same way. Well, she finally, after so many years of hard work, had that opportunity. The one which she had craved so much. And yet she found herself so tempted to risk it all for someone she'd only known for a matter of weeks.

Maybe she had a chance of making this teaching placement work, if only she could simply just be friends with Tilly. Jen knew, deep down, that Tilly wasn most certainly not the type of person whom she could just erase from her life. She hadn't even lasted a single day without missing Tilly, and the way she saw that brilliant spark of enthusiam behind her eyes when they discussed art. It was beautiful and precious to see, in the same way as the sunrise was. Jen couldn't fight against that feeling, no matter how hard she tried (and God knows she'd tried so hard ever since discovering Tilly was a college student. Her student.)

''Y'know, you have a very expressive face.'' Tilly says, stepping towards Jen with a tender smile, her eyes scanning her features. It's one of the things she finds so utterly captivating about Jen, one of the things which she had found so endearing as they walked together along the beach. Every single emotion which Jen feels washes across her face in a split second, almost like watching a beautiful foreign film with subtitles played in fast-forward.

''I guess this would be one of those times where I wish I didn't..'' Jen replies with a half-hearted laugh, breaking eye contact with Tilly yet again.

Tilly feels a pang of guilt collect deep in the pit of her stomach then. She can see the torment etched across Jen's face, has been able to see it every single day for the past few weeks. Jen's desire to teach is unmissable, and yet here Tilly is expecting her to risk all that for her. Even if they could just be friends, they would never be able to meet up without constantly having to look over their shoulder, wondering if and when someone would find out. Tilly may just be sixteen, but (she hopes) her emotional intelligence exceeds far beyond her years. Far enough to realise that perhaps caring about Jen means letting her go.

''This isn't going to work, is it?'' Tilly says with a hint of resignation in her voice. ''We obviously can't just be friends, and you don't want us to be anything more than that.''

''It's not that I don't want to. It's just that we...''

''Can't. I know.'' Tilly nods sadly, gently traces her fingertips across Jen's cheek and smiles to herself when Jen closes her eyes and sighs contentedly at the slight contact. ''And I can't ask you to. Not when it means risking your whole career when it's only just beginning.''

''We can still be friends though. We just have to be really careful.'' Jen knows deep down that Tilly is right, but she somehow can't stop fighting for Tilly to be, in some way, part of her life. She holds her breath, trying to read Tilly's expression as she waits for her reply.

''I think we both know that me and you can never just be friends. And even if we could, it would still mean you were risking your career for me.I can't let you do that. I can't sit here and care about you so much, yet expect you to do that.'' Tilly shakes her head, her hand reaching up to wipe away a stray tear which makes its way slowly down her cheek, leaving a faint glistening trail behind it.

''But you're not expecting me to do that. And I can't not see you.'' Jen almost pleads. '' Even if we're just...''

''You'll still see me in class.'' Tilly says sadly, knowing she needs to end this conversation as soon as possible before she changes her mind. ''I don't think either of us can deal with this. Not when you've got your career to think of, and I need to focus on getting into Cambridge. It's a mess, and it'll only get worse if we keep meeting up like this. I think you know that deep down.''

Jen nods, trying determinedly to stop herself from crying. She's still trying to tranform her feelings into some sort of coherent sentence as Tilly picks her back up from the table and goes to leave, pausing as she gets to the doorway.

''I'll see you in class, Miss.''

-

It's been three days since their last conversation, and Jen finds herself in a state of utter despair. Seeing Tilly in class every day, watching her interact with the other students whilst making a point of not even acknowledging Jen's existence, is only serving to make Jen's heartache even more prominent. Tilly always hurriedly leaves the room as soon as the bell rings, meaning Jen couldn't possibly talk to her even if she wanted to. She wondered if Tilly was equally as distraught as she was, if she was experiencing that same ache in the pit of her stomach. Sighing, she picks up another essay from the ever-increasing pile of marking she has to do.

Later that night, Tilly reluctantly allows herself to be persuaded by Maddie into attending the house party of some random guy she's never met before. Apparently, Maddie is sick of seeing Tilly ''walking about with a face like a wet weekend'' and thinks being crammed into a tiny house with a bunch of drunken strangers will somehow make Tilly feel slightly less like someone has trapped her heart in a vice and squeezed really tight.

The party, and the large amount of wine Tilly consumes through the evening, does nothing to raise her spirits or take her mind off Jen. She'd spent the past three days moping around and trying desperately to avoid having any sort of contact with Jen at all, even something as simple as crossing paths with her in the corridoor. Her resolve had almost broken on numerous occasions, her finger hovering over the call button next to Jen's name in her phone. She's managed to resist so far, however, convincing herself that however much it hurts, she's doing the right thing.

It's not long before Maddie and Sinead do one of their usual disappearing acts and Tilly finds herself awkwardly standing on her own in the corner of the room. At least, she was alone, until she feels a light tap on her arm. Looking up, she notices a girl around her own age smiling almost arrogantly at her.

''You look like you could use some cheering up.'' The girl smirks at her. ''My name's Lisa, by the way.'' She adds, holding her hand out.

''Tilly'' she replies, reluctantly shaking the girl's hand.

''So, are you here with anyone?'' Lisa asks, eyeing Tilly up and down.

''Oh, y'know, just a few mates.'' Tilly replies half-heartedly, glancing across the room and hoping in vain to be rescused from the awkward situation by Maddie or Sinead. This is definitely not how she wants to spend the rest of the night.

''That's not really what I meant. Are you with anyone?''

''No, but I'm not really...''

''I was hoping you'd say that.'' Lisa says smugly, reaching into her pocket and shoving a crumpled bit of paper into Tilly's hand. ''I'm leaving soon, but you should give me a call.''

''Um, thanks, but...'' Before Tilly can think of a believable enough excuse, Lisa has already leaned forward and clumsily pressed her lips against Tilly's, almost knocking her over in the process. She doesn't have enough time to react before, much to her relief, she feels Maddie tugging at her arm.

''Tillz, we're leaving now.'' She says, practically yanking Tilly away from Lisa, waiting until they're out of earshot before adding ''Okay, she was a slight upgrade from that bitch Jen, but you can do so much better, babe.''

Too tired to argue with Maddie, she allows herself to be persuaded to crash on Sinead's sofa for the night, making a mental note to leave early so she doesn't have to endure any awkward interactions with Jen. Feeling slightly dizzy from the wine, Tilly almost has to drag herself through Sinead's front door, stopping for a second as she reaches into her pocket, grabbing the piece of paper with Lisa's number on and tossing it lazily into the bin before she sprawls out across the sofa, barely registering Sinead covering her with a blanket before she drifts off to sleep.

-
Tilly is rudely awoken the next morning by Sinead roughly shaking her shoulders, saying something about wine and hangovers, and several other things which all muffle into the background when Tilly sits up slightly and notices Jen shooting her a desperate glance from across the room.

''How you feeling then, babe?'' Sinead asks, causing Tilly to break her eye contact with Jen as Sinead plonks herself down on the sofa beside her.

''Shattered.'' Tilly replies, sneaking a quick glance across the room towards Jen and cursing herself for sleeping in.

''Yeah, all that flirting must have worn you out.'' Sinead says, nudging Tilly's shoulder and winking.

''I wasn't flirting, she..'' Tilly doesn't get the chance to defend herself before Sinead interrupts her, animatedly continuing.

''Really? Then what would you call sticking your tongue down some random girl's throat and getting her phone number?'' Sinead laughs. ''Anyway babe, you look like you could do with a strong coffee.'' She says over her shoulder as she disappears towards the kitchen.

Tilly glances over towards Jen, only to be met with an ice-cold glare which barely conceals the hurt in Jen's eyes. Her heart clenches in her chest.

''That's not what it..'' Tilly's attempt at an explanation is cut short by Jen.

''Forget it. It's nice to know how quickly you managed to get over me.'' Jen raises her voice slightly, her anger betraying her as she picks up her bag and makes her way across the room towards the front door.

Tilly quickly positions herself infront of the door, preventing Jen from leaving as she feels anger rise up from inside her. If there's one thing she hates more than anything, it's being judged. Especially by someone whom she cares so much about. Someone who, she thought, knew her better than that.

''Not that I should have to justify myself to you, but that girl kissed me, okay.'' She says forcefully. ''I didn't kiss her back. And I took her number because I didn't know how to tell her I wasn't interested. I put it in the bin. You can check if you don't believe me.'' Tilly nods towards the bin in the far corner of the room before staring defiantly at Jen, almost daring her to walk over and look in it, to question her integrity.

Jen contemplates for a moment, before her expression softens slightly.

''I'm sorry.'' Jen sighs, reaching out in an attempt to take hold of Tilly's hand and feeling an overwhelming sense of defeat when Tilly quickly snatches her hand away. ''Look, I overreacted and...''

''Judged me. Which, by the way, you have no right to do. You don't want to be with me, yet you don't want anyone else to be with me.'' Tilly scoffs. ''And I'm supposed to be the immature one.''

Tilly can't stand the thought of Jen viewing her as some sort of immature young woman who simply goes around picking up random girls at parties. She's tried so had over the past few days to forget Jen, to simply put her feelings down to some sort of crush and ignore the ache in her chest whenever she thinks of Jen. But seeing her this morning just caused her feelings to resurface stronger than ever.

''Sinead, I'm not feeling well. Think I'm gonna skip the coffee and head off.'' Tilly shouts in the general direction of the kitchen, quickly spinning round and opening the door without even bothering to wait for her friend's reply. She ignores the feeling of Jen's hand on her arm, instead shrugging it off as she exits the house, slamming the door behind her.

Jen's hand is just reaching towards the door, about to follow Tilly into the street, when Sinead appears back in the living room clutching two mugs of coffee and completely oblivious to the fact Jen is currently blinking back burning tears.

''What's up with her?'' Sinead asks Jen.

''Um, dunno.'' Jen shrugs. ''Overdid it with all the partying last night I guess.'' Jen tries her best to fake a convincing laugh, silently thanking God that Sinead is far too self-absorbed to notice her current state of turmoil.

''Yeah, she always was a complete lightweight. I'm surprised we managed to get her to come out at all, she's been a right miserable cow the past few days.'' Sinead places Tilly's cup of coffee down on the table. ''Anyway, I'm going back to bed. I'm rough as anything this morning.'' She nods toward the coffee. ''You might as well have that, it's not like Tilly will be drinking it.''

-
Jen has spent the past ten hours since Tilly left her house debating whether or not to contact her. Even typing out various text messages to Tilly, before shaking her head and frustratedly deleting each one. Maybe it was for the best, she tries to convince herself. Jen's greatest weakness, or perhaps her greatest strength, lies in the fact that she constantly lets her heart rule her head. Her heart had only ever got her into trouble in the past, caused her a significant amount of pain. So perhaps, she thought, it was time to finally listen to her head.

Jen's resolve lasts for a mere 35 minutes more, before she snatches her phone off the table and hurriedly types out a message, pressing send before her head comes up with a million reasons not to.

'We need 2 talk. Can we meet? Plz? x' Jen places the phone back down on the table and picks up a book, trying desperately to distract herself as she hopes, prays, for a reply. She nearly jumps out of her skin when, several moments later, her phone vibrates. She snatches it clumsily.

'Parents R away in France for 2 weeks. U can come round if U want.' Jen lets out a relieved sigh as her eyes scan across the screen. She has no idea what she's going to say to Tilly, or how they're ever going to resolve this complete mess. But at least, she tells herself, Tilly hasn't completely given up on their friendship.

Just under an hour later, Jen finds herself parked around the corner from Tilly's house, once again wrestling with her conscience. She's pretty sure it's not, by any stretch of the imagination, considered appropriate behaviour for a student teacher to turn up at one of their students houses at 8 o'clock at night. She shakes her head, trying to silence the nagging doubts in her mind, and quickly gets out of her car. Before she can change her mind, Jen has already made her way down Tilly's driveway and shakily pressed the doorbell.

Tilly opens the door a few seconds later, smiling nervously before standing back slightly, allowing Jen to wordlessly slip past her and into the living room. There's an awkward silence which is, much to Tilly's relief, broken by Jen.

''Wow, your parents have some really beautiful paintings. I thought they weren't interested in art?'' Jen scans the room in awe thinking that perhaps it might be beneficial to have a neutral, lighthearted conversation before the inevitable.

''They're not. They let me choose the paintings we hang around the house. Well, so long as they don't clash with the colour scheme of course.'' Tilly rolls her eyes, laughing slightly.

''And so long as you don't put any upside-down toilets in the middle of the room.'' Jen laughs, remembering a previous conversation they had and feeling a sense of relief when Tilly joins in.

Jen's eyes scan the room once more, spending several moments analysing each painting carefully before her gaze fixes on a rather captivating piece directly infront of her.

''Let me guess. That's your favourite, right?'' Tilly nods towards the painting hanging just above the fire before turning her gaze back to Jen.

''How did you know that?'' Jen asks, smirking slightly.

''Because that painting is exactly like you. It's beautiful...and creative..and complex. And ever so slightly pretentious.'' Tilly laughs jokingly, yet in actual fact she's being completely serious. Jen is all of those things, and many more besides.

''I've missed that.'' Jen smiles tenderly, nudging Tilly's shoulder playfully.

''Missed what?'' Tilly asks, confusion spreading across her features.

''You. Being opinionated and stubborn, and calling me pretentious.''

''I believe I said ever so slightly pretentious.'' Tilly replies pedantically, laughing as she sees Jen roll her eyes.

''Of course. Silly me.'' Their playful banter reminds Jen of that day at the beach, when conversation was easy and simplistic. When they were simply able to enjoy eachother's company without worrying about what the rest of the world thought. Her smile is replaced with a frown as she realises they can't ignore the elephant in the room any longer. ''I'm sorry, okay? About this morning. I was just...''

''Jealous?'' Tilly says, smiling. She can't help but feel a sense of petty satisfaction at the mere thought of Jen's jealousy. Of course, she hadn't set out to make Jen jealous. She simply relished the knowledge which Jen's jealousy provided her with: Jen cared about her just as much as she cared about Jen. It was a comforting feeling, despite the situation they had so reluctantly found themselves in.

''Yes.'' Jen nods slightly, knowing there's very little point in lying to Tilly considering she seems to be able to read her like a book. ''I was jealous. Jealous that some girl you met at a party can kiss you when I know I can't. No matter how much I want to..'' Jen's gaze subconsciously drifts down towards Tilly's lips before she regains her composure, shaking her head lightly in frustration.

''I know.'' Tilly nods sympathetically, before smiling slightly. ''If it makes you feel any better, there's only one person I want to kiss me. And it's definitely not some random girl I met at a house party.''

''Oh, I'm flattered!'' Jen rolls her eyes dramatically, laughing when Tilly slaps her across the arm in mock-anger. ''I'm being serious though. About missing you.''

''I know. I've missed you too.'' Tilly replies sincerely, thinking it's probably the understatement of the year. ''It really is a complete mess, isn't it?'' Tilly slumps down on the sofa, motioning for Jen to do the same and trying not to notice the way her heart hammers in her chest when Jen sits down within touching distance of her.

''Yeah. But it's our mess. And I'd rather have this than nothing at all. I really want us to be friends, Tilly. Well, I want us to try at least. Until my placement is finished, and then we can...'' Jen trails off, hoping Tilly understand what she's trying to say. ''Can we be friends?'' Jen asks hopefully.

''Yeah, we can try'' Tilly replies, nodding determinedly. She has no idea how long they can manage to be ''friends'' before the boundaries become too blurred to notice, or how either of them will cope with the situation. But what she does know, is that they have to try. Because the alternative is not seeing eachother at all. At that's a far more horrible prospect than dealing with their current predicament.

''Want a coffee? I was just going to watch a film if you want to stay?'' Tilly pauses slightly before a mischevious smile spreads across her face. ''Friends do watch films together, right?''

''So I've heard.'' Jen grins. ''Only if you promise me two things though: One, you're better at making coffee that Sinead. I had one of hers this morning and it's taken me all day to get the taste of dish-water out of my mouth.'' Jen laughs, cringing at the memory of quite possibly the worst coffee she'd ever tasted. ''And two: Please tell me you're not going to make me watch one of those Twilight films with that whiny vampire guy in them.''

''Eugh, Maddie tried to make me go and see one of them not so long ago. Needless to say, I magically caught an incredibly nasty virus that day and wasn't able to go.'' Tilly winks. ''No, don't worry. I was going to watch Girl, Interrupted. If, of course, that's okay with Miss Pretentious.''

''It's one of my favourites, actually.'' Jen smiles to herself, watching as Tilly leaves the room to make the coffee.

Several moments later they're curled up on the sofa together, Jen leaning slightly against Tilly and resting her head against her shoulder (In a friendly way, she tells herself) as they watch the film. They both know fine well that this slight, fleeting moment of bliss will vanish in the morning when once again they have to face the reality of their situation. Yet any thoughs of reality are completely abandoned, for one night at least, as they simply enjoy being together without having to justify it to the rest of the world. Or, in fact, eachother.