Thanks to Alfonsina.d for letting me use her Manny!!

The Ol' Two-Ply Blues

BANG. BANG. BANG.

My eyes snapped open and I looked at the clock. 12:14. Who the hell was banging on my door at twelve fucking fourteen?

"Stephanie open the door!"

Oh, that was Jamie.

I stumbled out of bed and shuffled to the door, yanking it open until it stopped on the chain.

"Whu?" I asked, bleary eyed.

Jamie was dressed in all black, her hair in a pony-tail and a pair of panty-hose over her head. "We're gonna go on an adventure! Get dressed!"

"No," I moaned.

"Yes!" Jamie said enthusiastically.

I closed the door in her face and shuffled back to bed. I had flopped down on the mattress when I heard that obnoxiously perky voice.

"You think you can keep me out with a lousy door and chain? I don't think so. Get up!" Jamie yanked all the covers off me and the cold whooshed in.

"What are you doing here?" I yelled, "What do you want?"

Jamie sat down on the bed and grinned at me. "I need to TP a bunch of guys' houses tonight, and I can't do it by myself."

"Why do you need to TP a bunch of houses?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. I'm bored. And besides, Lester, Ranger, and Manny all made fun of my obsession with Twilight. I have to get revenge."

"You are way too obsessed with Twilight," I said, mushing my face into my pillow.

"Godammit! Stephanie! You are my partner in crime! You have to help!"

"I thought Kiley was your partner in crime." I'd met Kiley a few months ago when she came to visit Jamie for her birthday. She was pretty much Jamie's twin expect for looks.

"WELL SHE'S NOT HERE IS SHE?! NOW GET YOUR ASS UP!"

I grumbled. "Fine, fine!" I got up and shoved my legs into a pair of sweats and my arms into a sweatshirt.

"Thank you," Jamie said cheerfully, jumping up from the bed.

"Ugh."

I followed Jamie out of the apartment and down the stairs. I crammed myself into her red Beatle. "Why doesn't Ranger make you drive a black car?"

"I drive a Rangeman vehicle when I'm working. This is my own car. Besides, if he knew I used one of his cars to TP his house, he'd kill me."

His house. His. "HIS HOUSE? THE BATCAVE!?" I yelled.

Jamie laughed. "Relax, that's just an expression. I meant we're gonna sneak into his apartment at Rangeman and destroy it with toilet paper."

"Won't he know it's you then?"

"That's the point, Stephanie," Jamie said, her tone implying that I was a few fries short of a happy meal.

She pulled into a grocery store parking lot and turned the car off. "Let's go get us some supplies!"

As I got out of the car, I had a thought. "Maybe you should take off the panty-hose," I said, "It looks sort of suspicious."

Jamie rolled her eyes skyward. "Oh! I forgot I was wearing it!" She laughed and pulled the nylons off her head.

Five minutes later we approached the check-out girl with a cart full of toilet paper. She raised an eyebrow.

"Our grandpa has the hersey squirts," Jamie said.

Ew.

The girl rolled her eyes and started scanning the packages.

"Man, she totally knew what we were up to," Jamie said, shoving the toilet paper into her miniscule backseat.

"What do you expect? We just bought 50 pounds of toilet paper!"

"Relax, Stephanie, haven't you ever TPed someone's house?"

"Of course I have!" Maybe once. A long time ago. And maybe I cleaned it all up immediately afterward because Jordan Slasky's mother happened to be up at three in the morning and saw me and threatened to call my mother. I buckled myself in just as Jamie was taking off.

"Next stop, Lula's!" Jamie said happily.

"Lula?"

"Well duh. Of course I'm not going to leave her out of this one!"

Oh boy.

Ten minutes later we pulled up to Lula's tiny apartment building. We walked up the tiny stairs and stood in front of her tiny door, and Jamie knocked the tiny knocker.

"Finally!" Lula said, wrenching open the door. She too was dressed in all black, nylons clenched in her hand. "I was wonderin' where your ass was!"

"Sorry," Jamie said, "It took forever to get Stephanie out of bed."

"Figures," Lula said, "Steph don't know how to have any sort of fun."

I stuck my tongue out at everybody.

We all trooped down the stairs, and Lula whistled when she saw the Beatle. "Whoo-ee, how am I gonna fit my beautiful ass in the back seat of that car?"

We all looked at the back of the Beatle, stuffed full of toilet paper.

"You got enough toilet paper to wipe Fat Bastard's ass," Lula said.

Jamie and I wrinkled our noses at the mental image.

"Well we do have to TP two houses and an apartment. Maybe Stephanie can sit in the back 'cause she's skinny," Jamie said.

Wonderful. I crammed myself into the backseat, arms wrapped awkwardly around a jumbo-sized package of Charmin, while Lula sat practically sprawled in the front seat.

"Who we TPing first?" Lula wanted to know.

"Lester! He's the closest. Then Manny, then we'll end at Rangeman."

"Let's rock n roll!" Lula said.

And we were off.

"So this is Lester's neighborhood, huhn?" Lula said. We'd been driving for fifteen minutes, and as far as I knew we were in Hamilton Township. I craned my neck to see outside the tiny window. We were actually in a pretty nice neighborhood. I'd always expected a guy like Lester Santos to live in a crappy apartment, or at least the hood.

"Yeah, he really rakes in the dough, doing all the extra dangerous stuff for Rangeman. He does the jobs Ranger won't even accept. The TPD sometimes commission him for drug busts and gang raids." Jamie said, pulling to the curb. "He actually lives just around the corner, but I don't my car to be recognized."

She turned and grinned at me. "Luckily he's got some girl over tonight, so they'll be much too occupied to pay attention to what's going on outside!"

We all got out of the car and Jamie grabbed one of the jumbo packages. "Onward ho!"

Lester's house turned out to be a masculine looking two-story town house with a miniscule front yard and a large porch. There was one tree on the outside. Alleys on both sides between his and his neighbor's houses. Good thing for TPing, I suppose.

We started by throwing the toilet paper over the tree, wrapping it around the porch railing, and littering his yard. Then we got to the hard stuff.

"Okay, I'll chuck the roll over the house, and you catch it on the other side," Jamie said to me.

I looked up at the tall house. "You think you can make it over?"

Jamie rolled her eyes and Lula snorted.

"Okeydokey," I said, and trooped to the other alley. Lula followed, just in case I couldn't catch it, she said.

Thirty seconds later an unraveling roll of toilet paper came sailing towards my head, and I caught it easily. I broke the roll free. "Now what?" I asked Lula.

Jamie appeared beside me. "Now we switch sides and do it again!"

We repeated the same routine until we'd sufficiently coated Lester's roof with toilet paper. Jamie took out her digital camera, and she and Lula posed, using lewd hang gestures and tongues hanging out, for pictures.

"Do you want to be in one?" Jamie asked, examining the pictures on the viewfinder.

"Hell no," I said, "I don't want to be connected to this. You're going to get killed."

Jamie shrugged and giggled at a picture of herself and Lula posing sexily on the TPed porch, "It'll be so worth it. Let's go to Manny's!"

I was a little apprehensive as we pulled up to Manny's house. I'd never met him, but I'd heard he was a little rough around the edges and I didn't know if he had a sense of humor. I tapped Jamie on the shoulder as we circled the neighborhood looking for some where to park.

"Do you think Manny will think this is funny?" I asked.

"Fuck if I know. I barely know the guy. All I know is that he's a bigger player than Lester, but he's less open about it."

"So how do you know?" Lula asked.

Jamie smiled. "'Cause he definitely offered me a night of mind-blowing, no strings attached sex one day when I was super stressed out."

"Omigod," Lula and I said.

"It was refreshing, actually," Jamie said thoughtfully, turning off the car. "He was completely straight-forward. No mind games. No emotional baiting. He was frank and honest and I kick myself every day for not taking him up on his offer." She grinned at us. "Now, shall we get down to business?"

It was the same routine for Manny's house.

"Shouldn't we be a little quieter?" I asked, catching a roll of toilet paper thrown by Jamie.

"He isn't home tonight. He has a date with Mimi," She waggled her eyebrows at me.

"If you don't know him, how do you know about his date?" Lula asked.

"I overheard him to talking dirty to her when I was passing his office," Jamie said, wrapping some toilet paper around a tree trunk. "'I'll see you tonight baby, at your place,'" Jamie's voice dropped a couple of octaves as she imitated Manny. "Lucky for me, this was the night I was planning my revenge! It worked out perfectly!"

After we completed vandalizing Manny's house, we mashed ourselves back into the car and took off for Rangeman.

"How are we going to get into Ranger's apartment without being seen by the cameras?" I asked Jamie. I really didn't want to be involved in trashing Ranger's apartment, but Jamie wouldn't drive me home.

"Two ways. One, I paid the night staff to ignore us. And two, Ranger is out of town tonight."

"Fuckin' awesome," Lula said.

"How are we going to get up to his apartment? I didn't bring my key fob."

Lula turned around and looked at me, completely bug-eyed. "Girl, you didn't tell me you had a special key to Ranger's apartment!"

"Oops," I said.

"I've got one," Jamie said, grinning at me in the rearview mirror, "I borrowed it from Ella."

I was a little uncomfortable bringing Lula with us. After all, it was Ranger's apartment and I didn't want to violate his privacy like that. I'd been there, and Jamie had been there, but Lula hadn't.

Jamie turned made a right turn and Lula made a noise of protest. "Whatchu doin, girl? This is my street!"

"Sorry Lula, the other places were outside only. Ranger would be fire me if he found out I'd let you into his private apartment. Both Stephanie and I have previous permission to be there. It's not you specifically. I wouldn't let anyone into his apartment who doesn't have previous clearance."

I guess Jamie and I do have sister telepathy.

Lula grumped and grumbled but grudgingly agreed as we pulled to a stop in front of her apartment. "Well you better show me the pictures," she muttered, getting out of the car.

"Thanks for your help!" Jamie said, "I'll buy you some Cluck-in-a-Bucket tomorrow!"

"Deal," Lula said, and trooped into her apartment building.

I sat in the front seat, sighing in joy at the wonderful feeling of openness.

"Ready to blow this popsicle stand?" Jamie asked.

"Let's just get this over with. But remember, no pictures of me!"

Jamie parked in the Rangeman garage and we stepped into the elevator, each holding a package of toilet paper.

"What are you doing?" I asked as Jamie pressed five.

"I'm giving Ram and Vince the rest of their hush money!"

Yikes. If Ranger found out she'd bribed two of his employees, she was going to be without a job. I hope Ranger thought this was funny.

I waited in the elevator as Jamie paid the two men, and pressed seven when she came back.

"This is going to be great!"

Ranger's apartment was quiet and dark when we entered. It had changed a bit since the last time I'd seen it. It was still pristine and masculine, but now there were framed pictures everywhere.

Jamie saw my surprise. "I did that months ago," she said. "I'd always thought this place was way too sterile!"

I shook my head. That was my sister.

We ripped open the first package of toilet paper and spent the next twenty minutes dumping it strategically around Ranger's apartment. Over the bed, around the chairs, around the shower head, in the cabinets, in his dresser, around his safe. Jamie even stuffed a wad into his silk black boxers.

She snickered. "This is going to be soooo great!"

After taking dozens of pictures of Jamie sprawled on Ranger's now Charmin-covered bed and chairs, we headed out.

"Thanks for helping," Jamie said, pulling up to my apartment building, "And don't worry, none of the guys will know you were involved!"

"Ranger will know," I grumbled.

"Nah, Ranger would never suspect you to help me out like this. He might pressure you to find out who my accomplice was, but I promise you, whatever interrogation technique he uses will probably involve you two naked."

I rolled my eyes and exited the car. "Goodnight, Jamie, and good luck!"

"Later!" Jamie drove away, and I shook my head, trudging up the stairs with six leftover rolls of toilet paper.

Jamie's POV

I ran into Vince on the fourth floor back at Rangeman.

"Ranger's gonna fire you," he said, grinning like a maniac.

I laughed. "Worst he would do is put me on monitor duty for the rest of my life. And it'd be totally worth it."

"Who else did you TP?"

"Manny and Lester. They were making fun of my Edward Cullen poster." Well, posters, plural, but Vince didn't need to know that.

"Oooh sheeeee-it, Jamie, Manny's gonna kill you!" Vince started to laugh, "I cannot believe you TPed Manny's house. That motherfucker is gonna be so pissed. You're gonna have to leave the fucking country."

I shrugged. "So what if he's pissed? I told him I'd get him back! Besides, once he gets to know me there's no way he'd hurt this adorable face." I batted my eyelashes at Vince and smiled like a princess.

"Huhn. I know a couple of ways he'd like to get to know you."

I rolled my eyes and shoved my key into the lock of my Rangeman apartment door. "Get back to work, pervert!"

Vince headed towards the elevator, cackling.

I changed into my pajamas and fell into bed, smiling at my extra-soft, two-ply conquest.

Chapter 2

BANG. BANG. BANG.

I opened my eyes and squinted at the clock. Seven-thirty. Time to get to work. I jumped out of bed, barely containing my excitement at seeing Lester's face when I answered the door. I mean, I hoped that was Lester banging on my door. I was still preparing myself to face the unknown, mysterious sex-god Manny and my boss, Ranger.

I yanked a sweatshirt over my head and answered my door. Lester stood there glaring. "You TPEd my fucking house!" he yelled.

I winced at the loud noise so early in the morning. "How do you know it was me?" I asked, making my eyes wide and innocent.

Lester glared harder. "Who the hell else would TP my fucking house? Do you know how much time it's going to take to clean up that shit? How much time it's going to take YOU to clean up that shit? ALL FUCKING DAY."

"Aw Lester, at least let me leave it up for a couple of days. I want your neighbors to see my handiwork." I was grinning sweetly at him.

"Fuck no!"

"I'll make you breakfast."

"Fine."

I laughed. You could always win over Lester with food. He brushed by me and sat down at my kitchen table. "I want scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, and orange juice. And real syrup."

I rolled my eyes. "Snob."

He grinned at me. I knew he wasn't really angry.

"How'd you do that job all by yourself? It was pretty impressive."

"I had some help," I said, rooting around my freezer for bacon.

"Shit, you fly Kiley all the way down here for this shit?"

I laughed. "No, I had local help."

"Who?"

"Not telling."

Lester harrumphed and I started in on his breakfast.

"You know, I will be getting revenge," he said casually.

Uh oh.

Two hours later I was in my cubicle rocking out to Lady Gaga, doing research on a guy named Lorenzo Montoya. He was a badass illegal everything dealer and the cops really wanted him to stop.

"I wanna take a ride on your disco-stick," I sang along, bustin' a sexy move in my rolling chair.

A hand clamped down on my shoulder and I shrieked.

"Jamie," a very authoritative voice said authoritatively.

I looked up at an angry looking Ranger.

"Hey, Cowboy," I said, grinning hopefully.

"Will you please join me in my office?"

"Absofreakinglutely," I said, jumping up.

"I wish you'd ride MY disco-stick!" Lester yelled as I passed his office.

I stopped to flip him off and then scuttled after Ranger.

We entered his office and he sat behind his desk on his corporate looking chair, glaring at me. I took a seat in one of the "lowly peon" chairs in front of the desk and innocently folded my hands in my lap.

"You wanted to see me, boss?" I said, trying futilely to choke down laughter.

"You TPed my apartment."

"Moi?" I said, in fake horror.

He narrowed his eyes. "I want to know why I wasn't notified that you were entering my apartment uninvited."

"Sorry, if I told you I'd have to kill you." And I really didn't want Vince and Ram to get in trouble.

"I know who was on staff last night, Jamie, and I can punish them."

"Don't do that! It was a joke! I'll clean it up! Don't be such a hardass!"

Ranger smiled evilly.

Uh oh.

"I'll let you AND Vince and Ram off on one condition," he said.

I winced. "Yes?"

"Martina needs a babysitter this Friday."

Oh shit. Ranger's younger sister Martina had twins – two boys – who were known in affectionate terms as "The Spawn of Evil." They were like Calvin and Hobbes times ten. They were hell on babysitters. The last time I babysat the two little boogers they got a hold of my stun gun and, well, my hair was pink for three days.

"And If I do that Vince and Ram are safe?"

Ranger nodded.

I slumped back into my seat and groaned, clapping a hand over my eyes. "Deal," I sighed.

"I'll call Martina. Now get your ass up to my apartment and clean it up!" He barked the last part of that statement to make me jump. And jump I did. I flew out of that chair like it was on fire and bolted from the room.

Smack into a brick wall of a Rangeman chest.

"Ow," I said from the ground.

Of course, the offending Rangeman was in no way hurt or inconvenienced at all.

"Well shit, you did TP my house. You deserve a little retribution," The brick wall said.

My eyes flew open and I looked up at Manny. Shiiiiit! I tried to gauge his mood but he was slightly difficult to read.

"Hey buddy," I said nonchalantly, like I meant to be stretched out on the floor.

"Don't get too cocky, Jamie. You're cleaning up that shit today and then you're going to watch your back for the rest of your life 'cause you'll never know when I'm going to get my revenge."

And then he stepped over me and walked down the hall.

I craned my neck back. "Aw come on, Manny-baby, at least humor me and give me a decent reaction."

"It'll be soon, that's all I'm gonna say," Manny called back.

Damn.

Friday night came too fast. Instead of going out clubbing with the guys, I had to babysit the two twerps, Ryan and Elijah. I won't say I hate the kids, but sometimes I wanted to throw them off the roof. They were 8 years old, and deep into the "I want to destroy things" stage. Those 4 hours were the longest of my life. Here I am, a badass trained security specialist and I got taken down about twelve times by a pair of third graders. They threw food, cut up curtains, flushed my handcuff keys down the toilet, and managed to turn the dog blue. In four hours. I was so thankful when Martina and her husband came home that I kissed their feet when they entered the door.

"I hope the boys weren't too much trouble," Martina said, looking hopeful.

"Well my hair isn't pink this time," I said, shrugging, "But Murphy is blue and you're gonna need to buy new curtains."

Martina sighed. "I don't know why they're so bad for babysitters. I told them to be good."

I picked some dried spaghetti sauce off my shirt. "I think Ranger might have called and told them to torture me extra tonight. I sort of TPed his apartment and he wanted revenge."

Martina's eyebrows shot up. "So he's using my boys as a revenge tactic? Oh he is so going to get it!"

I left, snickering, 'cause now Ranger was going to get yelled at by one of the most intimidating women on the face of the planet.

That night I was awakened by three pairs of hands viciously dragging me out of bed. Well crap, I thought, struggling like a maniac, here comes my repentance.

"Quit struggling Jamie," Lester said, twisting my arms behind my back, "You're only going to make this take longer."

"Ugh," I moaned, trying to make contact to someone's shin.

I was lifted and thrown over a shoulder – Ranger's, I think, 'cause of the Bulgari smell – and we left the apartment.

"Where are you taking me?" I figured I'd ask, just in case they decided to be nice and tell me.

"Shut up, Jamie," Manny said.

"Skank," I shot back.

We were in the garage now and I was thrown haphazardly into the back of a Rangeman SUV. I crossed my arms and pouted as Lester got in one side, Manny on the other, and Ranger slid into the driver's seat.

"Where should we tie her up?" Ranger asked.

"The busiest part of Hamilton Avenue," Lester said, grinning.

"I better not be naked," I shouted.

"Chill out," Manny said, patting my thigh, "You won't be naked."

His tone didn't make me feel better at all.

Well, Manny wasn't lying when he said I wasn't going to be naked. I wasn't naked. I was wrapped from head to toe in six layers of toilet paper, and my clothes were in the black SUV on route back to Rangeman. Did I mention that I was tied to a telephone poll at the busiest intersection on Hamilton? It was two in the morning. I was freezing. I was tied up. I was pissed.

Horns blared. Kids laughed. Homeless men leered. More cars started coming out around six, and more horns blared. People walking to work stopped to ogle. None offered assistance. And to top it all off, the jewelers across the street had Rangeman security, and someone from the Mother Ship had electronically turned the exterior camera to face me. Bastards.

The three stooges returned at nine. Ranger handed a camera to a gawking bystander, who took a picture of the three assholes crowded around me, thumbs up.

"Can I go home now?" I muttered through my layers of toilet paper, "I have to pee. Bad."

"That's what the toilet paper is for," Lester said. "Pee on it."

"HELL NO!"

I did make it back to Rangeman, but I was on monitor duty until New Year's (it's July), and I had to clean Lester and Manny's houses all alone. They made me climb up on the roof. And Lester took away the fucking ladder, so I was stuck up there all night. Manny made me his motorcycle repairing bitch, and I had to run around the northern eastern seaboard for a whole week to find him various obscure parts. Ranger made me babysit the two little twerps for the whole next weekend. I don't really think the time really matched the crime, but you know how guys are. Bastard coated bastards with bastard fillings.

And no one ever found out Stephanie was in on it.

The end!