Author's Notes: First House fic in awhile...in forever, actually. I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie's "A Diamond and a Tether," and a particular lyric really reminded me of House. Voila! A fic was born. Note the spoilers for the season five finale.
Disclaimer: I own neither the show nor the song.
Internal Debate with a Strong Hint of Dreaming
Pity
Take pity on me
Because I'm not half the man that I should be
Always turning to run
From the people I should not be afraid of
And darlin' you should know
That I have fantasies about being alone
It's like love is a lesson
That I can't learn
So I make the same mistakes at each familiar turn
- Death Cab for Cutie, "A Diamond and a Tether"
He wishes that he could be with her. He really does, and not just for the sex. (Though he wasn't turned off by the idea of sex with her in the least. The sex had been good, even if it had been twenty odd years ago.) No, it's more than sex with her.
He loves her.
There's the issue, though. That statement is a problematic one indeed. He knows very little about love. His parents hardly gave good examples of that particular emotion. It's entirely possible that he might have loved Stacey, but he shoved her away in the end. Though he would never admit it, he is an idiot when it came to love, and stupid idiot at that.
He thinks with his head and not with his heart. He is cold and calculating. He views everything in such logical fashions. Love isn't logical; it is emotional. That much he knows. The heart, rather then the brain, controls love. Hell, when did has he ever used his heart in that metaphorical, I-love-you sense? His heart is an organ in his body; it deals with blood, not love.
He manages to screw up relationships all around him. Look at his best friend and that cutthroat bitch. He managed to get Amber on that bus, on that bus that led to her death.
Amber was on that bus because of him. He was Wilson's supposed best friend. Now he hallucinates about the woman, about Wilson's girlfriend. He was a fine friend indeed. He had most definitely contributed to, if not wholly caused, the downfall of that relationship. He constantly threatens Thirteen and Foreman's budding love. Chase and Cameron are only safe because they don't work for him anymore.
Gregory House: love idiot and relationship killer extraordinaire.
He knows next to nothing about love, and he hardly causes the relationships around him to flourish. He isn't qualified to say that he loves anyone, let alone her. That's why that statement just doesn't work.
Can he even say he loves a woman, when he doesn't know what love is? Can he? Is it a lie if one makes a statement regarding something one knows nothing about, and the statement proves itself wrong with time? Would he be joining the likes of the "everybody lies" crowd?
Whatever the case, he feels something for her. He can't be one hundred per cent sure that it is indeed love, but he thinks it's very much possible that it might be. It's similar to what he felt for Stacey, only stronger. Much stronger. This feeling…if he could, he would hold her forever. He cares for her wellbeing, cares for her wellbeing so much. He knows she isn't perfect, but he doesn't care; he likes her despite her faults. Her faults can go screw themselves; he's a thousand times more flawed than she is.
It would be so much easier if this was just about sex. No complex and mysterious emotions that he cannot understand. Just action and pleasure. He's good at that; he's a talented lover. But no, no, that isn't it. He feels something more for her; she isn't just some sex goddess. She's something so much more to him than some hooker that he deftly tricked out of payment.
He's pretty sure he that might love her, which is why he is entirely certain that he could never be with her. Him? He is cold and emotionally stunted. Her? She is intelligent and beautiful and deserved so much better than him. He cares for her far too much to get into a relationship with her. He can't subject her to him; he cares for her too much.
Besides that fact, he is losing it. He is having hallucinations. His best friend is currently driving him to a psychiatric hospital. Even if he wasn't a cold and calculating bastard, based on those facts, he's hardly decent relationship material.
He can wish though. He can dream about loving her, even if he knows entirely nothing about love. He can dream because, although it's a little pathetic, no one can stop him from doing so. Gregory House can have Lisa Cuddy in his dreams. He can have her forever in the depths of his mind.
"That's debatable," Amber says from the backseat of the car.