Author's Note: This is a joint piece from Shakahnna and Hello Captain. The following story is in good humour and we are not intending to offend anyone. In fact, a few of the jokes mentioned have appeared in our own fics. Enjoy!
It's Not Big And It's Not Clever
A Parody of Parodies.
-
Scene: A TV Show Setting (sigh)
The audience roars with canned laughter, the scene is set much in the style of "Saturday Night Live" or any such other brainless Yank chatshow that you may wish to insert here, since they all look the bloody same to me.
The theme music starts up...the lights go dim...and an American voice announces in the same voice which is used for the gay chat ads.
"And here's your hosts..." The audience waits with baited breath, the reader groans.
"...Violet Snowe and Shakahnna Warren!" The crowd falls silent, and begins to whisper among one another as two young nerds enter. One is a short, red haired young lady in black jeans and a t-shirt that says "Wesker Is My Bitch", and the other is a tall girl with curly auburn hair and plastic glasses taped up with masking tape, in a grey jumper. The spectators are aghast.
One lone fellow speaks up, "Hey! This is a Resident Evil parody! Shouldn't it be hosted by Albert Wesker, because that's SO original?"
"Ok, firstly, fuck you," the redhead speaks up, "And secondly, Wesker is not here, because he's in a cage under my bed."
The two intrepid young presenters ignore the upstart's protestations and launch into their TV presenters monologue.
"Wah!" the redhead begins, "My name be's Shakahnna...
"...and my name is Violet" the bespectacled girl waves into the wrong camera, "Hullo!"
"And welcome to It's Not Big and It's Not Clever!" they attempt to say in unison and fail, so the whole thing comes out as a jumble of nonsense.
"Ok..." Violet says, "This is our public safety announcement against BAD Resident Evil parodies. Each episode we are going to take a look at some of the worst and overused gags, plot devices and other nonsense found in the attempts at humour."
Shakahnna takes over, in true slick timing, "First up, let's introduce a very good friend of every self-respecting bad parody writer..."
"I must advise you," Violet warns as an outdated projector screen kicks up behind the two presenters, "This is not pretty..."
Shakahnna nods sagely, "The following video clip contains scenes which are so vile, you may experience sensations of cringing so hard your arse eats the chair..."
"You have been warned..." says Violet mysteriously, before whimpering and assuming the foetal position, as the screen fades to black, and we are forced to watch the aforementioned clip.
-
We see the familiar faces of the STARS members as they hurtle at breakneck speed towards the eerie-looking Spencer mansion, chased by rabid dogs.
The tension is mounting as the door swings shut behind them with an audible thud, and we are treated to a view of our heroes.
Chris Redfield is standing there. He is a handsome young fellow. Chances are he is smoking a cigarette.
Barry Burton is also there. He has a beard and is possibly cracking a lame joke about Chris being gay.
Jill Valentine is giggling like a bimbo. She is wearing her mini-skirt from Resident Evil 3. This is because most fanfiction authors generally tend to fall into the following two categories: Teenage Boys, and Bi-Curious Schoolgirls.
And lastly, we have every young parody writer's dream: Albert Wesker.
Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, the dialogue switches to badly written script form....!
Jill (giggling): Like...let's phone out for pizza.
Barry: I hope it isn't Chris' pizza.
Chris: I'm a faggot.
This continues for a while, as the reader groans and rubs the throbbing vein which has appeared in their forehead. Just when they are about to click the back button, for fear of losing their immortal soul, they spot something so hideous, so cheesy, unfunny and overly used that their breakfast rapidly exits their body and ends up on the monitor of their PC (or Mac, if you're cool like me...).
Wesker (singing): "I WEAR MY SUUUNGLAAAASSESSS AT NIIIIIGGGHHHT!!!!"
The projector screen begins to stutter and burn up from the middle, a burning hole appearing in the middle of the image of a disco dancing renegade STARS Captain. The hideous picture is soon no more, and we are confronted with our two chatshow hosts again.
The studio has now changed to a school room, and the two girls are clad in old fashioned teachers gowns, with mortar hats and canes.
Shakahnna points to some writing on the blackboard, "Lesson the first, boys and girls..."
The white writing reads, "THE SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT JOKE"
"If I see that gag in one more Resident Evil parody, I'm going to murder a small household pet," Violet informs the audience, who are seated at wooden desks.
Back to Shakahnna, "Yes, this be's the most overused, unoriginal, and ANNOYING joke in the world. It wasn't funny the first time I read it, and it certainly isn't funny the six hundredth time. So just fucking stop it, ok?"
Violet nods, "I concur." She removes her glasses and wipes them on her sleeve thoughtfully. "So remember kids..."
The two attempt unison once more, "It's not big, and it's not clever."
Next episode: The do's and don't of herbs.
It's Not Big And It's Not Clever
A Parody of Parodies.
-
Scene: A TV Show Setting (sigh)
The audience roars with canned laughter, the scene is set much in the style of "Saturday Night Live" or any such other brainless Yank chatshow that you may wish to insert here, since they all look the bloody same to me.
The theme music starts up...the lights go dim...and an American voice announces in the same voice which is used for the gay chat ads.
"And here's your hosts..." The audience waits with baited breath, the reader groans.
"...Violet Snowe and Shakahnna Warren!" The crowd falls silent, and begins to whisper among one another as two young nerds enter. One is a short, red haired young lady in black jeans and a t-shirt that says "Wesker Is My Bitch", and the other is a tall girl with curly auburn hair and plastic glasses taped up with masking tape, in a grey jumper. The spectators are aghast.
One lone fellow speaks up, "Hey! This is a Resident Evil parody! Shouldn't it be hosted by Albert Wesker, because that's SO original?"
"Ok, firstly, fuck you," the redhead speaks up, "And secondly, Wesker is not here, because he's in a cage under my bed."
The two intrepid young presenters ignore the upstart's protestations and launch into their TV presenters monologue.
"Wah!" the redhead begins, "My name be's Shakahnna...
"...and my name is Violet" the bespectacled girl waves into the wrong camera, "Hullo!"
"And welcome to It's Not Big and It's Not Clever!" they attempt to say in unison and fail, so the whole thing comes out as a jumble of nonsense.
"Ok..." Violet says, "This is our public safety announcement against BAD Resident Evil parodies. Each episode we are going to take a look at some of the worst and overused gags, plot devices and other nonsense found in the attempts at humour."
Shakahnna takes over, in true slick timing, "First up, let's introduce a very good friend of every self-respecting bad parody writer..."
"I must advise you," Violet warns as an outdated projector screen kicks up behind the two presenters, "This is not pretty..."
Shakahnna nods sagely, "The following video clip contains scenes which are so vile, you may experience sensations of cringing so hard your arse eats the chair..."
"You have been warned..." says Violet mysteriously, before whimpering and assuming the foetal position, as the screen fades to black, and we are forced to watch the aforementioned clip.
-
We see the familiar faces of the STARS members as they hurtle at breakneck speed towards the eerie-looking Spencer mansion, chased by rabid dogs.
The tension is mounting as the door swings shut behind them with an audible thud, and we are treated to a view of our heroes.
Chris Redfield is standing there. He is a handsome young fellow. Chances are he is smoking a cigarette.
Barry Burton is also there. He has a beard and is possibly cracking a lame joke about Chris being gay.
Jill Valentine is giggling like a bimbo. She is wearing her mini-skirt from Resident Evil 3. This is because most fanfiction authors generally tend to fall into the following two categories: Teenage Boys, and Bi-Curious Schoolgirls.
And lastly, we have every young parody writer's dream: Albert Wesker.
Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, the dialogue switches to badly written script form....!
Jill (giggling): Like...let's phone out for pizza.
Barry: I hope it isn't Chris' pizza.
Chris: I'm a faggot.
This continues for a while, as the reader groans and rubs the throbbing vein which has appeared in their forehead. Just when they are about to click the back button, for fear of losing their immortal soul, they spot something so hideous, so cheesy, unfunny and overly used that their breakfast rapidly exits their body and ends up on the monitor of their PC (or Mac, if you're cool like me...).
Wesker (singing): "I WEAR MY SUUUNGLAAAASSESSS AT NIIIIIGGGHHHT!!!!"
The projector screen begins to stutter and burn up from the middle, a burning hole appearing in the middle of the image of a disco dancing renegade STARS Captain. The hideous picture is soon no more, and we are confronted with our two chatshow hosts again.
The studio has now changed to a school room, and the two girls are clad in old fashioned teachers gowns, with mortar hats and canes.
Shakahnna points to some writing on the blackboard, "Lesson the first, boys and girls..."
The white writing reads, "THE SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT JOKE"
"If I see that gag in one more Resident Evil parody, I'm going to murder a small household pet," Violet informs the audience, who are seated at wooden desks.
Back to Shakahnna, "Yes, this be's the most overused, unoriginal, and ANNOYING joke in the world. It wasn't funny the first time I read it, and it certainly isn't funny the six hundredth time. So just fucking stop it, ok?"
Violet nods, "I concur." She removes her glasses and wipes them on her sleeve thoughtfully. "So remember kids..."
The two attempt unison once more, "It's not big, and it's not clever."
Next episode: The do's and don't of herbs.