Something on the Mind
"This ain't no love story"
Narrated
as it was by Astrid Linnankivi.
In a room, lit only by the streams of sunlight shining through the wide windows, sat a boy on the edge of his neatly made bed. Though the windows were closed, he could still hear birds singing outside in the warm June weather. It seemed like a perfect Saturday afternoon to take his girlfriend out for a walk in the park, but it was not what he wanted. He didn't want to see the girl he was supposed to be deeply in love with after two years of going steady. He had first seen her two summers ago; she was working in an ice-cream café downtown and it was love at first sight. They had been together for almost 23 months now, and their relationship was, on the outside, what their friends hoped they would someday achieve, too. His feelings for this girl had somewhat subsided through the last month. He thought that this began around the time when Brandon began in their class. Brandon and his family moved from a little town outside of Brookville to the same neighbourhood Thomas lived in outside of Pittsburgh in Pennsylvania. It was also the time where they began on a new short story in their shared English class – 'Brokeback Mountain' by Annie Proulx – the tale of two men, the ranch worker Ennis Del Mar and the rodeo-cowboy Jack Twist falling in love with each other. Even though they try to fit into the norms of an American life with a wife and kids, they cannot forget their devotion to one another. Throughout the twenty years their romance lasts Jack tries to convince Ennis they can share a normal life, while Ennis can't reach out and grab love while it's still there. Their story ends with Jack's tragic death caused by what Ennis believes to be hate-crime.
At first, Thomas didn't understand why Ennis Del Mar was so afraid of the world knowing about his love for Jack Twist. Thomas couldn't understand why Ennis cared about what people thought of him. Thomas believed that if Ennis had really loved Jack Twist he wouldn't have cared what the society he lived in would've thought about them. Thomas didn't think it would seem important. But then, as his girlfriend Tara had been on a vacation for almost four weeks, he had found himself spending an awful lot of time with Brandon.
They had been fishing in the lake, riding at least an hour every night on their bicycles and done their homework together. In the beginning, it was a way of spending his time with his girlfriend now absent, but then he found out that Brandon was a guy whom he found more interesting than he had ever found Tara. Now, the world seemed a little less bright when Brandon wasn't with him.
A part of him denied this newly found love. Thomas wasn't a homosexual. He couldn't be.
He was raised in a good, Christian family and had been raised in the belief that there were straight people and there were sinners. He had struggled all of his life with being an adopted mulatto living in a suburb with white people only, and now, admitting but only to he himself that he was at least bisexual, the thought of being socially accepted seemed impossible for him.
Not to mention he was a communist.
As they went deeper and deeper into the story of 'Brokeback Mountain' in his class, Thomas related himself more and more to Ennis Del Mar. What used to be a character he couldn't understand at all he now felt he was the character.
And all of this had happened in just a month's time.
Brandon wasn't what girls would generally call gorgeous, but Thomas thought his friend was all right looking; brown, curly locks falling in front of his icy blue eyes, a slight crooked nose, small lips that hid a gap between his front teeth and high marked cheekbones. He was about 6'5'' and weighed what Thomas would guess to be around 175 lbs. Nevertheless, that was not what Thomas fell for. Brandon had a smile that sent shivers down Thomas' spine, and a sparkle in his eyes that made Thomas blush – and he was not the type who blushed easily.
Thomas had no clue if these overwhelming feelings were returned. A part of him told him they weren't and another part screamed they were. Feelings of guilt rushed through him that late June afternoon as it would not be long until summer vacation and his girlfriend had just returned the day before. Should he tell Tara about his feelings for his friend as soon as possible, or wait to see if they'd fade now his girlfriend was back? And now when she was finally back after her long trip there'd be no time for him to see Brandon anymore. He rushed a hand through his dark, curly hair and sighed. Thomas needed to see his friend so he grabbed his mobile phone from his pocket and hit speed dial #1.
He talked to Brandon and they decided to camp at the lake in the forest tonight as the weather looked good and Thomas' parents were not home to find out if he slept someplace else. They were on a business trip and would not be back before Wednesday.
Thomas packed his bags and half an hour after he had talked to Brandon, he mounted his bicycle and drove the four mile drive out to the lake.
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"Brandon, do you believe in soulmates?"
He looked over the moonlight reflected in the black water and thought about the question his good friend had asked him. He laid his head to his side and looked at Thomas. "I want to believe that there's someone special out there for everyone, like Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist for instance, but sometimes I find it hard to believe. Why do you ask?" He answered.
Thomas smiled a little at his friend; he always seemed to have perfect answers to everything. He shrugged his shoulders, sighed and lied back on the ground to look at the stars. "No particular reason," he lied, avoiding the eye contact he knew Brandon was seeking. Brandon lied down next to his friend, their shoulders against each others, not enough for them to feel each others warmth but just enough for Thomas to fade into the touch through the many layers of clothing. Even though the bare thought of it scared Thomas beyond everything else, he wanted nothing more than to reveal his feelings to Brandon.
However, he wouldn't do that now – he wouldn't risk their friendship for what seemed like an impossible dream to him. Not quite yet. So he settled with Brandon's shoulder grazing his own once in every while, and when the fire died, they crawled into the tent and slept peacefully.
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"Hi honey," Thomas was greeted by his girlfriend and a kiss followed. He hadn't seen her since before her trip and yet he wasn't happy at all. He didn't want Tara's kisses; he wanted Brandon's. Nevertheless, it couldn't happen. It could never be. His parents would be so ashamed they'd abandon him, the town he lived in wasn't a place for people who stood out and Brandon... Well Thomas was not even sure he liked him back.
At this moment, Thomas felt more and more like Ennis Del Mar. He was stuck here with Tara (or Alma as Ennis' wife was called) and sure, of course he loved her. But it wasn't Brandon. It wasn't Jack Twist. It wasn't impossible.
He didn't really listen to her chattering about how fabulous her vacation had been as he pondered about what Ennis would've done in this situation.
But he knew what Ennis had done; Ennis had been silent, he had walked around with the lie for almost twenty years. Therefore so would he, Thomas decided.
"Thomas? Thomas what's wrong? You're not usually this silent," Tara's troubled and worried voice spoke.
Thomas looked into her grey eyes, eyes he had once found every consolation possible in, but now they were just empty or somewhat meaningless to him.
He smiled a reassuring, but fake smile and shook his head. "Nothing's the matter."
Tara didn't notice the slight different smile or the change in his voice as he answered her, so she snaked her arms around his neck and leaned in to kiss him. Thomas, as he did not want to make her even more troubled or raise suspicion in her, kissed her back but did not think of her as he did.
However, he couldn't handle it. He broke away from her and her troubled eyes looked deeply into his. "Thomas I know something's wrong. I wish you'd tell me," she said and sat down on his still neatly made bed.
Thomas, as he knew he couldn't fool his girlfriend any longer, sighed and sat down next to her. "Tara, I'm in love with someone else."
There it was. Thomas was sure as he said those words he was bound to live the rest of his life in heartache, because Brandon did not love him back. He was sure of that. Besides, even if he did it wouldn't matter. Thomas couldn't confess to the society he was raised in that he was homosexual. And Jack Twist was killed! He wouldn't risk that to Brandon just to satisfy himself. He wouldn't risk Brandon's life.
Nothing had changed since then. It had only been what, twenty-five years since Jack Twist died? It was still the same world he lived in. They wouldn't accept their love – even though it would be as pure as the love he had shared with Tara.
She didn't blink though. She sighed as if she knew it was coming but of course she didn't.
"With whom?"
Oh, shit. He hadn't thought she'd want to know who had stolen her love's heart. But he should've seen it coming. Of course she would want to know. However, should he tell her the truth or should he lie? If he told the truth, would she tell someone else? Would it get out? Would Brandon find out?
"Thomas?" He had zoned out again. He shook his head and blinked a couple of times. There was no time to think of a lie. Should he tell her he didn't want her to know? That it wasn't her business? Oh, he was not that cruel. She deserved to know so. She, after all, had been the one he had loved for two years now.
"You don't know him yet."
Tara blinked a couple of times as she was taken back. Before he had met her she had been full of homophobia, but, as he himself had been an offer for discrimination in the past, he had taught her how not to do so herself.
She wanted to ask if she had heard right, if it really was a man her boyfriend was in love with, but instead she asked what he meant with the yet.
Thomas closed his eyes for a moment and opened them to look into his girlfriend's tear-filled ones. "He's new in town. He came around the same time you left, I think."
Tara nodded to let him know she had understood his words. She swallowed hard and looked down to the floor, letting her tears fall from her lashes and onto the rug.
"Have you..." She choked on her words and tried again. "Have you done any-anything with...With him?" The words fell from her lips and tears came flooding from her silver eyes.
"No!" He said quickly with conviction in his voice. "I would never do that to you."
Tara smiled a little bit and looked at him. "So what are you going to do with it?"
Thomas looked at his folded hands that lay neatly in his lap and sighed. "I don't think there's much I can do. I'm not even sure he feels the same way about me."
She nodded and laid a hand on his knee. "Well you have no other choice than to tell him."
There was a puzzled look in his eyes when he asked her what she meant.
"You'll never know whether he loves you or not unless you ask him about it. Thomas, this isn't 1970. It's all right to come out and admit that you're gay. You can still live a normal life."
"You sound just like Jack Twist," he said an a little voice and laughed.
Tara laid distance between them and cocked an eyebrow. "Jack Twist? This ain't no love story, Thomas. You can't relate your life to whatever you read in a sleazy novel."
He was just about to argue against her comment on his new favourite short story and ask where she knew the story from as the words she had spoken to him sank in. She was right, wasn't she? This wasn't a love story. He was not Ennis Del Mar and Brandon was not Jack Twist. The life he lived was not a life invented by a bored old lady acquainted with a pen and a piece of paper. Just because it hadn't worked out for them it didn't mean it wouldn't work out for him and Brandon. Assuming these overwhelming feelings were returned, of course.
Now he just didn't know if he should trust his own gut or the words of the girl a part of him still cared for.
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In a park, hidden in the middle of a suburb where an usual peaceful silence hang thickly in the air, lay a boy in the shadow of a big oak tree. As he tried not to move, afraid the sun shining through the leaves would hit his eyes, he lay silently and listened to the sounds of birds singing. There were no one to disturb him in his bliss; no sneaky neighbours, no girlfriend putting any extra pressure on him, no parents to judge him from what he was.
He was a homosexual, black communist.
And if people didn't like it… Well it would be their loss and never his. He did not want anyone in his life that would not appreciate and love him for who he was instead of whom they wanted him to be.
And what if the world he lived in wouldn't accept his homosexuality? He wouldn't care. Right now he had all he wanted.
He looked down at the resting form lying in his embrace and smiled. Yes, he had found out that love could be so much more than what he had had with Tara. This newly found love made everything else seem so damn pointless and Thomas enjoyed every second of it. If people would discriminate him for what it was, then damn it. All he wanted was within in his arms and nothing could change that.
He kissed Brandon's face and took in his scent, slid further down the trunk to allow himself to lie beside his love and closed his eyes.