Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 1 - Making Love While Unloved
I am glutton for punishment, I truly am. You see I'm in love with a man, who I actually want to hate with every fiber of my being but just can't seem too. I have been in love with him for the past six years of my life. And not just any man, no - you see he's my husband, and has been for just over year and a half now.
He was also fortunate enough to be the brother of my best friend and son of my adopted family which now makes my best friend, my sister in law and my adopted family, my official family.
So where's the punishment I hear you ask? Well here's the kicker - Edward doesn't love me back, never has. At least not in the way I want him too.
We have what you would call an arranged marriage. It's been an agreement since we were children although we didn't officially meet until I was sixteen and Edward was nineteen. We were allowed to get to know each other and become friends until we agree on the terms of the marriage contract and signed it until when I was eighteen and Edward was twenty one. The contract stated that the Cullen's would back my fathers political career and my family would donate masses of money and contribute towards the hospital.
Our families are important people. My father, Charlie is a politician, who is trying to run for governor while my mother, Renee, was a housewife who came from what people like to call old money. My father-in-law Carlisle is a famous Nero surgeon and head of the hospital board. His family original founded the hospital just over two hundred years ago while my mother-in-law Esme is an interior designer.
Edward and I didn't actually start our relationship until all the paperwork was finalized through the lawyers. By that point I was nineteen, Edward was twenty two and I was head over heels in love with him. If I'm honest with myself, I had always really been in love with him. Within a week of meeting him I knew I was. We married on August thirty first last year. I'm now twenty two years old and a published author while my husband is twenty five, a surgeon and completely oblivious to my love for him.
It's common practice for arranged marriages between the well to do families in our town, anyone outside of town didn't really know about it unless they were told so it didn't really seem like a big deal to any of us. It's a quaint little place in the middle of nowhere about thirty or so minutes drive from anywhere the nearest city. Our town has good modest values, everyone has a smile on their face, 2.4 kids, the white picket fence and a billion dirty little secrets hiding in their closets.
My love for Edward was my dirty little secret.
We made a deal when we married that it would be companionship for each other, so as not to break tradition or break the hearts of our families.
Of course I had lied through my teeth.
We also agreed that if anything was to happen with anyone on the side that the other would look the other way while the one partaking would be discreet and safe.
That was added because our families decided to add insult to injury by adding a clause to our marriage.
We had to have at least one child by the time we had been married five years.
We had sat and spoke about two weeks after we got back from our honeymoon and had agreed that we couldn't avoid having sex and that it would be like a friend with benefit's type of deal to attain the baby we needed.
At one point that hadn't been an issue.
My heart ached to think of that time in my life and how it has led us to where I am now.
I am stuck in love with my husband, who I don't want to love but can't seem to stop myself and he doesn't love me.
Most people didn't care that he didn't love me. They had said to me on more than one occasion that I should have the attitude of "Well at least it's me he's coming home to" But I couldn't.
I wanted him to want me, to need me. I wanted him to feel the shock that goes through me every time he touches me or the feel the magnitude of emotions I feel when he makes me come.
But he doesn't.
It depressed me thinking about how I got into this state. It had all started a little over ten months ago. I had been having an off day and wasn't hiding it too well when I had got home to Edward, I had spent the day with Esme, my mother-in-law.
She had mentioned that our one year wedding anniversary was coming up and that we had to do something special to celebrate, I knew what she meant. She wanted to lingerie shopping and plan an intimate weekend away for us but to me, it didn't seem worth the trouble, it would just reminded me of how much of a sham our marriage was. Later that night I had it brewing in my head.
"Hey baby girl are you okay?" he asked me while finishing off the last of his dinner.
I scoffed at his nickname for me. He'd got so used to using it for appearance purpose's that it's just stuck.
"I'm fine"
"Are you sure? You seem lost in your own little world? Is there something you want to talk about?"
"Nope, I'm fine" I said sounding monotone while standing to grab the dishes to take to the skin.
As I got to there, I felt his arms snake around my waist and his head resting on my shoulder.
"Have I done something wrong?" he asked as he kissed my neck
"Did I forget something important?" he held my hips firmly in his hands continuing his journey over my throat causing me to whimper in need.
"Tell me what's going on? Tell me what you want Bella and I'll give it to you" he whispered huskily into my ear.
"You, just you" I whimpered in reply, hoping that he'd understand the underlying truth in my words. I needed him to love me as I loved him.
"Well, that I can do" he said smirking against my neck as his hands started moving about caressing me body.
His hands moved from my hips to better help his positions of me against him. He splayed his right hand over my lower stomach, pushing my ass against his erection while having his middle finger move back and forth over my light jogging bottoms, skimming ever so lightly over where I wanted him most.
His left hand was on my breast trying to entice my already hard nipple to pop out even further for him. I whimpered shifting my hips to create that delicious friction between us. I needed him to touch me.
"Is this what you want Bella? You want me?"
he moved his hand down to the seam of my top and slowly started lifting it over my body but holding it close enough that his fingers where still tracing my skin leaving a feeling of fire in their wake.
He lifted it over my head and dropped it to the floor. His right hand went back to my stomach pulling me back to him forcefully as he grunted and moaned. His left hand snaked between us unclasping my bra then helping slide it off of my body leaving my top half exposed for him.
"I'll give you one thing Bella, you've got goddamn perfect breasts, and they are fucking beautiful. They bounce so perfect when you ride me" he moaned into my neck kissing harder against it.
His left hand came back to my breast, tugging and pulling the nipple while his right hand started pushing my jogging bottoms and panties down my hips.
It didn't escape my notice that I was the only one naked but this was how he liked it. This was the only tenderness I got from him during these times.
Don't get me wrong, sex with Edward was amazing and took me to place I hadn't been before but it wasn't love making. It wasn't tender. It was sex and occasionally truly animalistic fucking. I had a feeling I was in for the latter tonight.
His right hand came back to just above my pussy and started pushing down to trace my slit but I kept my legs together so it was difficult for his to reach me. I was trying to hold on to the tender Moment as long as I could.
"Open up for my baby girl, I want to fuck you with me fingers" he groaned in my ear and making my knees weak.
He only ever spoke dirty or swore during sex. Surprisingly it had been a huge turn on hearing his velvet toned voice being forceful and filthy with me. I did as he said then moaned loudly and grabbed onto the counter as his fingers found their way to my slit.
"God, baby girl I didn't know you needed me so bad, your so fucking wet" he articulated the word wet by shoving his pointer and middle finger of his right hand into me while pressing his thumb against my clit.
My hips automatically bucked into his fingers. His left hand was becoming more demanding on my breast while he was still nibbling my neck in between sentences.
"Is that good Bella? Is this what you wanted?" he whispered in my ear while still forcefully fucking me with his fingers. I could feel me knees turning weak as I grabbed even harder onto the sink for support.
"Tell me Bella? Tell me how you want this? How good fucking my fingers is?" I couldn't speak, all I could do was nod but he wouldn't let me away with that.
"Tell me Bella or I'll stop"
"God, yes Edward, it's so good" I near enough cried from the warring emotions in me.
My body wanted its release and for him to fuck me while my heart and mind wanted him to lift me tenderly and make love to me in our room, on our four poster bed.
"Good girl, I can feel how much you want me Bella. You're so fucking wet; it's going to make it so easy sliding into that tight cunt of yours. You're so fucking tight Bella, I need you soaking so I can fuck you like you want me to, so I can pound into you with my cock, feeling every inch of your heat surrounding me. I want to fill you up; hitting that sweet spot I know makes you come so fucking hard"
The more he spoke, the harder and deeper he thrust his fingers into me, my hips jerked and bucked looking for the release I needed. My body went into auto pilot so I leaned back into him and held on for dear life.
"I may not know a lot of things baby girl but I know how to make you come for me, I can feel you pulsing on my fingers Bella, don't fight it. Let go for me I want my cock in you so badly but not until you've come. Come for me baby girl I want to taste it"
I couldn't hold back anymore. I gripped the sink for dear life so as not to buckle and I screamed out his name through my orgasm. I finally calmed leaning against him.
At some point he had turned us around to face the table and had grabbed a seat cushion putting it there for me to lean on. His fingers where still inside me running slowly back and forth. He slowly removed them and licked them clean, moaning as he did.
"I need to fuck you Bella, please? Lean down over the table for me"
I did as he said, leaning over the table, legs spread widely apart. Before even getting the chance to catch my breath me plunged into me. We both gasped at the feeling.
I knew I was tight for him, I done pelvic floor exercises almost obsessively to keep myself tight in the hopes that he would enjoy it so much; he wouldn't go looking for anyone else. It had been the recommendation of my mother and the one part of the dreaded "Sex talk" I had actually listened to.
I could feel every beautiful inch of him filling me to the rim, every vain and ridge working against my center. As if two pieces of a mechanism needed to be paired in order to work. He fit me perfectly. He slowly withdrew then hammered back into me, continuing the pace. He was grunting and groaning and digging his fingers into my hips.
"Jesus you're so fucking hot Bella... tight... wet... hot... fucking perfection... just... want... to... pound... into... you... can feel you pulsing around me"
He grabbed my right thigh and guided my leg so it was curled backwards around his hip; it opened me up wider to him giving him a deeper penetration. I literally felt like my eyes were rolling back into my head.
He moved his left hand up my body to grab my hand and took it in his guiding me to where we were joined. He pushed the heel of my hand onto my clit causing my hips to buck.
He slowed his thrusts but not his power behind then guided my fingers down so I could feel him coming in and out of me.
"Do you feel that Bella... You're... so... fucking... wet... for... me... feel yourself coating my cock... I love how fucking wet you get for me... love... feeling... you... come... around... me... makes me want to come so hard inside you... You'll take it too won't you baby girl... love... feeling... my... cock... pounding... into... your... pussy... feeling my come fill you and drip all through you... so... fucking... beautiful... seeing... my... come... in... you" he was thrusting harder and start to get Momentum I knew he was getting close I could feel him grow indescribable more harder inside me
"God Bella need to come... Buried inside you... Need you to come... Let... Go... Now" he groaned, continuing his thrust and pushing my hand forcefully against my clit.
All I could do was give into the demand. I came hard around him squeezing him, pulling him into oblivion with me and loving the feeling. Every bone in my body felt like jelly and I felt like I could fall into the deepest sleep.
He kissed my shoulder, slide out of me slowly then stepped back to lean against the counter.
"Fuck Bella you need to stand up, seeing my come mixing with yours, leaking out of you is making me hard again, I don't think I have the energy" he breathed out.
I turned my head to look at him, seeing his eyes look over me. I could see that instead of his breaths calming, they were staying hard and heavy. I could feel myself getting turned on again and the thought crossed my mind that maybe for once I could lead.
For some unknown reason I was feeling brave. I thought about what Esme had said about a romantic weekend away. I thought maybe I could start to turn things around and we could celebrate properly like a normal couple would do. I stood up and turned around leaning against the table. I traced my right hand lightly down my body till I got to my center.
I watched him as my hand moved down my body then broke the eye contact when I felt his come slowly leaking out of my center. He was right seeing our come together was an incredible turn on.
"Fuck Edward, your right, feeling this is so fucking hot" I moaned looking right into his eyes. I was never like this and by the predatory look on his face and the fact that his once flaccid cock was coming to life again, I could tell he liked it.
I sauntered over to him and grabbed his hand leading him over to the dining table chair and guided him to sit. I then sat on the table he had just fucked me on, in front of him and opened myself for him to view.
My fingers danced lightly over my center, mixing our come even more. Feeling it there, knowing I had made this god like Adonis of a man come had me feeling all powerful and I was going to use it to my advantage.
"God Edward, feeling you inside me is amazing, feeling you fill every space in me, making me come so hard, it's mind blowing" he was watching my fingers around my pussy and was fully hard again. I had to have him but I wanted it my way this time.
"Edward, I need you again but I want to try something? I need to try something? Will you let me try?" I sat up just enough so my breast where in his face but that he could still see my fingers circling my clit.
He finally looked me in the eyes, his nearly blackened with lust "What do you want Bella?"
I slid onto his lap and impaled myself on him, he throw his head back groaning. "I want to take you Edward, just you, will you let me?" I whispered into his ear while rolling my hips.
"Fuck yes" he groaned then made to grab my hips but I grabbed his hands before they could started to guide me.
"Ah ah ah, I'm leading this one, I want you to feel everything I do" I said looking into his eyes.
I placed his hands on my hips lightly then placed my hands on his shoulders so I could use them to support my moves. I was going slow and deep and loving the connection I was feeling.
He closed his eyes and rolled his head back, trying to control his movements. He was still in the mind set of fucking me, I had to change that. I grabbed his face so it was level to my own; I needed to see his beautiful forest green eyes.
"Edward, look at me please" I pleaded. He did briefly then turned away. I grabbed his chin with my right hand to make him face me.
"Please Edward... Look at me... Watch me take you into me... Please I need you to see me baby" I whispered hoarsely.
He looked into my eyes and didn't break the connection again. I could feel the shift in what was happening. I was like static electricity surrounding us. I saw the confusion in has eyes as he watched me move over him slowly and lovingly. I was laying my deepest secret out for him and hoping he'd understand it and respond.
We didn't speak, we didn't make a sound.
We just breathed each other in, my forehead leaning against his, my body taking him in over and over again.
I could feel the coil in the pit of my stomach start to tighten. It was so intense that I was trembling but I couldn't look away from his eyes. I could tell he was getting close by his jerky movement too. I touched his cheek and then grabbed him into a passionate kiss and I felt myself come undone around him, sending him flying over the edge with me.
I swear I saw stars; I had never come so hard in my life. But then again I had never made love to someone before; Edward was my first and would be my last. It was a complete out of body experience.
I leaned my head against his shoulder catching my breath while my sweaty boneless body was molded against his body, his still soft inside me on the chair. We sat in silence for a good five minutes like that.
"Bella" Edward breathed out "What was that?"
I sat up and looked into his eyes when I answered
"I was giving myself to you" I whispered suddenly feeling very unsure, so I looked down slightly.
"I was giving you everything a wife is supposed to give their husband. I was..."
"You where what Bella?"
I shook my head no and as quickly as my jelly legs would let me, got off of his lap. He still didn't get it
"Nothing, it doesn't matter"
He stood up quickly, yet slightly unsteady and stopped me from leaving the room. He was standing behind me holding my shoulders
"It obviously does matter to you or you wouldn't be acting this way, what was that Bella?"
"I was showing you" I whispered
"Showing me what?"
"Me! I was showing you me and how I feel; I was showing you through my actions"
"What where you showing me Bella? What was that?" he whispered sounding almost pained
I dropped my head and shoulders down in utter disappointment. I could feel the tears stinging at the back of my eyes.
"I was making love to my husband" I whispered
I felt Edward stiffen ever so slightly behind me "What?"
A silent lone tear traced down my cheek.
"I said I was making love to my husband, I was feeling a connection to him other than raw animalistic lust. I was letting my body speak for me"
He cuddles me into his chest, his arms going across my collar bone as he huffed out a breath he had obviously been holding
"So if I'm understanding correctly then you where trying to tell me that you love me? That you're in love with me?" he asked sounding unsure and all I could do was nod as more silent tears fell. He huffed again and tightened his arms around me.
"Bella you know I love you. Your one of, if not, my very best friend, I thought that was why we made that agreement up, so as not to complicate things? Why did you agree if this was how you felt?"
He was starting to sound irritated with me now and I could feel my whole world shatter around me. I had to stay strong until I could get away. I refused to break down in front of him, especially naked in our kitchen after what we had just experienced.
"I agreed to it because it was what you wanted and I figured it better I actually knew about it then deluding myself instead. I agreed because I love you. I want you happy, even if it you find it in someone else's arms" I pulled myself from his arms but didn't turn to face him.
"I've never asked anything of you Edward and I am not asking now. I know you don't love me; I'm not asking or expecting you to. I just thought you deserved to see what it felt like to have someone love and worship you, not just fuck your brains out like your a piece of meat. That's why I made love to you. Now if you'll excuse me I'm tired and would like to get cleaned up before I go to bed"
I quickly disappeared up the stairs to the guest bedroom. There was no way I was staying in our room after that epic fuck up. I couldn't handle how his body gravitates to my body in his sleep.
I needed to be alone.