My stomach is in knots, I'm sweating, I'm cold, I just want her here now. She is coming earlier than we thought. Early, though not premature.
I'm scared. What is she going to be like? Will she look alright?
My mind fires wildly. I just want her out of there.
I need her out.
I must have asked a dozen times when this was going to be over.
Their answer, while the same each time, progressively gets sharper in tone. "You have to be patient, this is a process that occasionally goes slowly."
I know this, but it isn't the answer I want. I cross my arms and ball up the sleeves of my sweater in white knuckled shaking fists. I'm not certain how much more of this I can endure.
Finally, at last, it's over...
They come in with her and my heart swells, threatening to break free.
My girl. My pride and joy. My daughter.
I have waited too long for this moment. Her hair is wet and she appears bewildered, but she remains silent. I wonder if something is wrong.
They bring her to me, as we planned.
They place her into my waiting arms and release their hold. She is free from restraints; from cords, chains, confinement.
As I settle her into my embrace, I feel the bond between us reach out and reconnect, repairing the frayed ends of an invisible umbilical between our souls.
That's when I hear the beginning of her first cry.
Soft, weak, unsure.
It cues my own tears, which I allow to fall. No walls or armour up in this moment.
I hold her closer, more snugly. I lay back on the small bed, tucking her in safely so her head rests on my chest. I rub her back and speak hushed reassurances to hopefully soothe her trauma.
Barely aware of the others in the room until a disembodied voice sounds. "Come on, let's give them some time alone... Out!"
I look down at the bundle, she hiccups, my left hand continues its pattern on her back, she absently plays with the fingers on my right, still unable to lift her eyes to meet mine.
"Ma..." she says hoarsely..
"Malyutka, My Nicky," I respond, and together we take a breath then melt into slumber.
It has been a hard few months and a big day for both of us.