Helo had offered to clean out Kara's locker, knowing somehow that Lee wouldn't be able to do it. Every once in a while, when she thought no one was watching, he'd seen her writing stuff down in a little book. He flipped through it now, and after skimming a page here and there, realized that number one, he shouldn't be reading this, and number two, he'd been dead wrong about Kara's reasons to live. He hunted down a bottle of hooch and went to find Lee. When he knocked on the hatch of the CAG's quarters, he heard Lee yell to whoever it was to just go away, but he persisted, and when Lee opened the hatch, it was obvious he'd been crying. Helo studiously ignored that, instead handing over the little book and the bottle of hooch. "There wasn't really anything else personal, but these belong to you."
Lee took them and looked at them blankly, then looked back at Helo. "Thank you, Lieutenant Agathon," and shut the hatch in Helo's face.
Lee went back to the sleeping area, dropping the bottle on the table as he passed, and threw himself into the rack. He opened the book, and that picture of him and Kara and Zak fell out. He just stared at it, touching Kara in the photograph, wishing he could touch her again for real, even if it was just to 'shake' her hand.
He flipped the pages, seeing a date about two years ago, with Kara's signature messy handwriting on the first entry.
Frakkin' counselor says I need to write things down to get them out of my head. Don't know what good that's going to do. Zak died, and Lee left me, and writing down what happened today is going to help how? Frakker.
Then he flipped through a few pages and caught sight of his name again.
Dear Lee,
I'm sorry I frakked you after Zak's funeral. That's not the way I wanted our first time to be.
Love, Kara
Dear Lee,
Today's Zak's birthday, and your dad gave me the day off. I've taken three showers already because I can't stop crying, and even though you hate me, I wish you were here. I miss you, and that just makes today even harder.
Love, Kara
Dear Lee,
Today's your birthday, and I know what I'd give you if you were here. I wish I'd had a chance to tell you that Zak and I broke up before he died. No one knew. He hadn't even moved out yet. I wonder if you would have cared, if it would have made a difference.
Love, Kara
Dear Lee,
Today I caught Chief and Boomer "fraternizing" in the armory on C Deck, and got an eyeful. You'd never know Chief has a really decent body under those horrible orange coveralls, and that he's...never mind. That's something I can't unsee.
Love, Kara
Lee laughed out loud; he could hear the disgust in Kara's voice.
Dear Lee,
They served 'mashed potatoes' today in the mess, and it reminded me of that food fight we had at that dive the three of us used to go to sometimes? We got kicked out that night, but not before we threw around a bunch of mashed potatoes and gravy. Took me five scrubs to get all that crap out of my hair when we got home.
Love, Kara
and on it went, with little notes that always started with 'Dear Lee' and always ended with 'Love, Kara' and he didn't understand how he could not have known how hard it was for her, losing both her best friends at once. And wait. She wanted there to be a first time with him, even back then?
The last one, written just a few days ago, sent him for the bottle Helo had delivered with the journal.
Dear Lee,
I meant it that night on New Caprica. I meant it on Colonial Day when you weren't even there to hear it. I meant it since the moment I opened the door the night we met, when I didn't even know what to call it. It's why I broke up with Zak. I mean it so much that it terrifies me. I mean it so much that I'm never going to tell you again for fear of what you'll say back. Knowing you hate me could never be as hard as hearing you say it.
Love, Kara