The first time Yuuki Mishima meets Ann Takamaki is chance.
It was a shared glance in the hall; a curious sideways tilt of her head, and an opening of her plump lips to say words that never filled the air before the crowd managed to fill the distance between them.
The second time is chance as well.
They just so happen to be assigned to the same class. Her best friend, Suzui just so happens to be on the same team.
By the third time, be begins to wonder if it's fate.
He's in the hall, sitting outside. It's deserted - any normal student is doing club activities or at home. It's so quiet, unlike the gym.
There's no sounds of squeaking shoes on the wood, no sounds of volleyballs being volleyed, no Kamoshida screaming in his ear about how he'd messed up again and was to report to his office after practice again.
It was only him, and the ringing in his ears. Him, and this choking feeling that wouldn't go away. Him, and his legs that wanted to stretch out from being crossed. Him, and the world that was slowly falling away.
Just him and these awful feelings.
He didn't know what to do - running out of the gym in a panic like he did was sure to cost him later. But he couldn't do anything. It was like someone had grabbed his chest and was squeezing. It was like someone was telling him to run but his legs won't move. And if they will - it's never fast enough.
It was the urge to get away - but coupled with the fact that he can't.
He can't and he doesn't know why - and the world's falling away around him and all he's doing is staring at his bare forearms because what is he going to do? He can't handle this - he can't handle anything. He's a disappointment. A waste of space. Useless. Something that doesn't deserve to breathe the air on this earth.
Tears are steadily building in his eyes, but they're not escaping. No, they're just making his eyes glassy as he looks down at those forearms of his and wonders what it would be like if they were covered in scars. Wonders what it would feel like. He's noticing every single thing around him - every sense becoming that much more sensitive because if something changed he just didn't think he'd be able to handle it.
He wants help. He wants to go home to his parents and tell them and have them say that it's all okay and that he doesn't have to be on the team anymore.
But...he's been dealing with this for months now. He can push through and make people happy and convince them that he's not a zero.
And help? Help isn't coming.
So he sits there, shaking still. His eyes close and the world dissolves into black.
As luck would have it - no, it was fate at this point - a gentle hand touched his knee. Gasping - he shook himself out of the darkness and looked up. He expected to see the brown eyes of Suzui - he expected that black hair and that watery little smile.
He expected that silent communication that he had to go back to practice. Pick himself up. Piece himself together.
He wasn't getting what he expected. Ann Takamaki sat in front of him, sitting with her legs crossed. She looked so tired all the time - but now it was replaced with a gentle expression of concern. Now, those teal eyes of hers pierced his, as if seeing everything he was thinking and seeing this anxiety.
He starts shaking, quivering harder. He's so scared. And he's trying to breathe but he finds he can't.
But Ann doesn't make fun of him, doesn't laugh. She looks him over and notes his quivering, and then rummages through her bag for something. A water bottle is sat beside him, and his eyes look from it over to her.
Quietly, she asks; "Do you want to talk about it?"
He shakes his head, wanting to say something but knowing that his voice would come out broken and cracked. She nods. "Okay. We won't talk. Do you mind if I sing to you?"
He's confused. What's singing going to do..? He shrugs in response.
He can't see it, but the girl is giving him a small smile. "Mishima-kun, I want you to focus on my voice, alright? Don't think about anything else."
He nods. It's a selfish request - but even a zero like him can do this, right? She scrolls through her phone and picks out something, and a soothing melody hits the air. She shifts, and he's sure she's sitting up.
It's a piano that takes the lead - and she begins to sing softly.
Like the leaves riding on the autumn breeze…
She has a nice voice, and his eyes flicker to the girl in front of him. Her eyes are closed, and she's completely focused at the task at hand.
So is he. His english classes are beginning to trickle back to him, silently translating the words that fly from her mouth and through the air.
Like the days gone too far for us to seize….
She takes a quiet breath, but his ears catch it, finely attuned to the quiet. Her voice rises, now leading the song instead of the piano.
It's like walking through the sky….
Where the stars come and go…
His brain is trying to process it and succeeding, but honestly, he's focusing more on the sound of the blonde's voice. How it drops, rises, her breathing patterns. The soft melody of the music.
He doesn't know it yet, but his legs are moving of their own accord, stretching out. His shaking is slowing. This anxiety is leaving.
It's the light within my reach…
Not as distant as it seemed…
The rest of the song continues like this, quiet and reassuring. Soft, yet holding a firmness. Warm, but speaking of a little chill.
The rest of the song continues like that - just the zero and a soft song telling him that he had someone and that she was there.
She stopped after it was over, cracking her eyes open. With the song over and a distraction gone - the anxiety was sure to come back, right?
Wrong. He remembered why he was upset, and it formed a lump of anxiety way down in his stomach, but it wasn't overtaking him anymore. He felt a lot more calm. Like he was able to breathe suddenly.
She gestured to the water bottle. "Drink up."
He uncaps it and begins to drink as the blonde rummages in her bag, pulling out a notebook and a pen. She writes down her contact info, and a word at the bottom, and then slips it over to Mishima. He swallows, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "What's this?"
"It's my contact info and stuff. The word at the bottom is our codeword. If you need me, just say the word and I'll drop what I'm doing if it's not a shoot. If it is though - I'll just send you some music, okay?" She patted his leg. "You're being strong right now, taking his bullshit. You can get through this, okay? I'll be with you the whole way if you'll let me."
He nods. "Okay…"
She smiles, and they sit there for a minute, lapsing into silence. "Are you ready to go back?"
He looks down. "I don't want to...but….I've got to."
Ann looked off. "I want to tell you not to go back...but, I don't know what he'll do to you two if you don't."
Picking her things up, she packed her bag again and stood, holding out a hand to Mishima.
"C'mon, we can both do this. Just another day, right?"
In spite of himself, Mishima smiled wryly - not thinking that she knew what she was saying.
"Just another day."
After the third time he talks to Ann; he's feeling better. He has someone by his side, and if she wants a zero like him to listen, then he will.
The next time he sees her is a week later. He'd just got done with Kamoshida's "special coaching," and he was dry heaving over the toilet in the boys bathroom. The world is falling out around him, and he wants the pain from the bruises and cuts along his stomach to go away.
But it doesn't.
Blearily, he pulls out his phone and dials Ann's number. She picks up almost immediately.
"What's up?"
He dry heaves once more before saying, "Grapefruit."
"Where are you?"
"B-boys bathroom." He groans.
"I'll be there in 20 minutes."
And true to her word, she was there 20 minutes later, telling him to open up the stall. With her, she had some fruits and a water bottle, and napkins to wipe his face incase he did throw up - which he hadn't done quite yet.
She rubbed his back gently, soothing him just enough so that he came out of the restroom and into the hall with her. "Come on, Mishima-kun. Just a little further. You can do this, okay?"
He nods, moving until suddenly he feels like he can't and collapsing.
"Good, good." She soothes, sitting down on the opposite side of him. The water bottle and container of fruits are pressed gently into his hands, and she takes out her phone. "Little bites and sips - nothing too big or you'll start throwing up for real."
He nods and settles himself some, zeroing in on her. She smiles. "Good, now you're understanding."
Unlike the last time, it's an electric tune, but it's strangely mellow and almost haunting.
In the valley of the dolls we sleep, we sleep...
Got a hole inside of me, of me….
It's so haunting, so quiet, but he's strangely soothed by it, He supposes that it might be the sound of Ann's voice that soothes him, but he's not sure. Quietly, he opens the water bottle and begins to take small sips. It helps.
Born with a void, hard to destroy with love or hope, built with a heart, broken from the start...
And now, I die slow…
They sit like that until she finishes the song, and then they talk some, and then she bandages him up and tells him that he can do this, that he's strong, and that there's nothing wrong with needing help.
This cycle repeats a couple times, and he thinks he's just listening because she wants to sing - until he brings it up and she looks over at him. "The singing's not for me, it's for you."
His eyebrows furrow. "What do you mean?"
She stays quiet for a moment. "That first day, when I found you, you were having an anxiety attack. It's not a bad thing, for someone in your situation it's completely normal." She bowed her head and wrung her hands together. "The first time I found out singing could help someone was last year...right after Kamoshida started….doing what he did to the track team. I helped Sakamoto through it...he didn't have anxiety per se, he was just really angry." Her face turned mournful. "But...I wasn't able to be there enough...and, well, we heard what happened."
Mishima nodded.
"So, I swore to help everyone I could, but not with my singing. I know I act all upbeat and stuff, but I've seen some things. So….the next time I tried singing was because someone needed it, and it worked. And that's what I do...it's all I can do for you guys."
"Suzui-san needed it, right?"
Ann smiled sadly, but she nodded, blonde pigtails bouncing.
"Yep. But if I can do this, then we can all pull through somehow! I believe in you guys."
And there was that bright smile and that cheerful, airheaded attitude that everyone knew.
And for once, that made him smile, just a little.
She stood up and held out her hand. "Come on, let's go get some dinner."
He just smiled even wider and took it.
Things got better for a while, but then became worse suddenly. It started with the transfer, and then jumped to the beatings starting to increase - more girls starting to walk around with this hollow, vacant look in their eyes.
And then - it was the day of the volleyball ralley.
She gasped aloud when the ball connected with his face, and he just fell back, not making a sound, not letting out a whimper or shaking in the slightest when he was accidentally hit and carted off to the nurses office. They both knew that they couldn't be seen together - the punishment would be much worse for him; and who knows what he'd do to Ann?
So, he didn't see her that day or the day after. But - dark thoughts began to leap at him the next day as he'd walked to Kamoshida's office for "special training."
What would it be like if he died? If he just...stepped out into traffic and let it kill him? Would anyone miss him?
And even as he was beat and beat and told to keep the rising screams and the urge to puke down, he didn't think about the pain. He just thought about what it would be like if he didn't exist anymore.
He was told to get Suzui and...he did.
It wasn't until he'd scrambled away from the school and was in the subway that he realized just what he'd done.
It made him feel dizzy and sick knowing that something was going to happen to her. In a panic, he sent a couple of texts to Ann before noticing that he had a new app on his phone.
It had the symbol of an eye, and he was cautious, but he tapped it like a fool.
Everything twisted and warped around him, and he wondered if he was starting to have hallucinations, until he looked around in the darkness of the space and realized that he could still feel the cold air on his skin.
He could still feel his heart ramming against his ribcage - and it wasn't mellowed or ethereal like it had felt any other time something was happening or an attack was coming on.
This was real.
But, supposing it was…. if it was….
Where was he?
After looking around and staying rooted to the spot for a while - he began to walk upwards, towards escalators that weren't moving, but that would serve just as well for climbing up. He could see faces and various monster like things peeking out of the shadows, and that chill on his body never faded.
That pound of his heart never slowed. The darkness never became vague.
The growls and screams and sounds of trains never faded.
So, Mishima ran upwards. As far as he could, until he was doubled over, panting and gasping for air.
"Aw, look at that! The zero is giving up again! He can't even run to the exit!" A voice cooed mockingly.
A voice?
A voice?
Just anyone's voice?
No, that was his voice. That was himself, the self who told him he was worthless on days he felt bad. That was him.
"Ah! W-who are you?" He asked, scrambling back so that his back hit the wall.
"I'm everything you've ever wanted to be." The voice says, stepping out of the shadows.
His mouth and throat go dry as soon as he can process the scene before him.
It was him.
His eyes trailed up his own body, finally meeting eyes that were yellow instead of brown.
Heh.
At least that made him stand out more.
"See, look at you. You fool - thinking someone cared. Thinking that you'd be okay. Thinking that perhaps - someone will come and save you. Truly, it's foolish." The other him laughed, handing him a knife.
"Why go on? You could do it right now. No more suffering, no more pain - just a vast emptiness."
No more? It sounded...appealing. Nothing else. Slowly, he lifted the knife to hover over his heart, watching the movement happen, yet not quite feeling his limbs move.
Why was that?
"Yes, that's good. No more pain over what you did to that girl." The voice crowed.
His hand began to shake.
"Think about it - the earth would keep turning. Everyone would go on with their lives. What would a death like yours mean?"
It's like a thick fog has taken over his mind. This other self of his..they're right. They're right.
But then…
Would everyone really just go on like nothing had happened?
The people on his volleyball team - his parents, everyone at the school…
Ann.
Would everything really stay the same for her?
"You can do this! I believe in you guys!"
"As long as we've got each other, everything's going to be fine."
"You'll keep trying, right? For me? Even if it's not for you...make it for something. Like that math test we have tomorrow. Or….or….graduating. Seeing other countries. If we ever go back to mine, I'll show you around."
"And never tell me everything would go on the same with you gone. There's never going to be a person that's exactly the same as you. There's never going to be you, who's quirky. You're you, and no one is ever going to replace you."
The knife quivers in his grasp, falling to the ground on the left side of his body.
No.
He's not alone.
Someone cares. Someone's there.
He stands up, shaking.
Whoever this is - they're wrong. So terribly wrong. Who is this?
This is that toxic side of him that rears it's ugly head only when he's deep in the throes of his anxiety.
When he's depressed.
"No. That's….wrong." He says, shakily getting to his feet.
"What?" The other him hisses.
"You heard me. You're wrong. I have at least one person that would care if I'm gone. I have things to do...even if they're not important….and even if...even if this is all fake, I need to keep living, just for a while longer."
The other him comes closer, wrapping a hand around his throat. "You will-"
Mishima's eyes widen as they look his doppelganger in the face and he simply utters a choked "No."
A blue sort of light - no, perhaps it was a mist - tore the two of them apart, ripping the hand from his throat. He coughed, but looked over to the other him, who was still surrounded by the light. "I won't lose to you! You're no better than Kamoshida!"
And with that - his breath was taken from him suddenly, as a voice resounded in his ears. It was neutral, neither deep nor high, oddly seeming neutral.
"Are you going to let yourself be so easily defeated?"
He screamed out, thrashing.
"Or, are you going to fight?"
"Will you make the world a better place?"
"Or will you give into this side of you that's filled with feelings of hatred and self-loathing?"
"You were never going to give up - not as long as she was by your side."
"Light, or darkness?"
"Happiness, or that suicidal urge?"
"Life, or death?"
The breath was taken from him, but he was in sync with this side of him. He pictured himself reaching out to this other side of him and touching it. Making contact with it. Accepting it.
"I see. A contract of sorts, then?"
"I am thou, thou art I."
"May light touch every part of your path in this coming journey!"
He lifted a hand to his face, feeling the mask that was ringing only around his eyes, spreading out to almost highlight them theatrically. He dug his fingers under it, and took it off with an unusual amount of force, breaking the skin beneath the mask.
Blue flames leapt up around him, encasing him entirely as the blood dripping down his face was wiped away, skin as smooth as ever. He screamed, but stayed upright.
The first thing he noted that he'd changed. He had on a black fedora, with a blue band adorning it. His shirt was tucked into his pants, black with thin gray lines going up and down it. It was buttoned, and there was a little black vest on him, covering the shirt. His pants were black with a blue belt, and he wore a pair of black dress shoes.
The second thing he noted were the blue bits of light transforming and bending to his very will.
And the third thing was his persona. It was a sort of ethereal being, and despite what it was, it dwarfed him several times over. A scrub hare was curled peacefully around a glowing orb, one that glowed almost painfully bright. He smiled at it, and then extended his hand forward to begin to battle with this thing.
Thing? No, this was him.
It looks like he has to win a battle with himself.
"Let's go, Hare! Kouha!"
He'd gotten out of that place with relative ease, but he was tired.
The next day, he still felt wiped from the day before, but he went to school still. After the whole scene in Kamoshida's office, he took off from school, going home and burying himself in his bed before he could process it all.
The day after that, however...he processed it all with this horrible, sick dread in his stomach, but - he thought, "What if I can use that place to help?"
And as luck would have it - he was transported to the gates of Kamoshida's palace that same day.
His mouth opened as he took it all in, but he saw this as a chance. He would make Kamoshida pay for what he did, even if that was what killed him.
Even if….this was the only thing he could do to atone.
He walked up to the guards, mask already off and in his gloved hand.
"Come out, Hare! Kouha!"
The hare seemed to wake itself up, becoming alert and kicking the orb with it's hind legs. The orb exploded into pieces in the air, overcoming the enemies with a surge of light.
The battle went on like that for a while, and he eventually defeated the two. As he placed a hand on the door, he heard a familliar voice right behind him.
"Yuuki?" She asked, touching his shoulder.
He turned around, and found himself staring straight into the eyes of Ann.
"No way! How did you get here?" She asked in a panic. "Quick, you have to get out of here!"
"Ann-" He was cut off by the girl, who was just now observing him.
"Wait, those clothes….and, weren't there guards here? Are….do you have a persona, too?" She asked.
"Persona?"
"Yeah. Watch."
With a flourish, the girl summoned her persona. "Dance, Carmen!"
It appeared in front of them, hovering quietly.
Three loud voices joined them, running up to Ann. "Ann! You're going to alert the enemy - you can't just-"
"Oh, be quiet. Look!" She said, pointing to Mishima.
The boy in the black and white mask looked him over quietly, but said nothing.
"No way, is that you, Mishima?"
"Y-yeah. Uh..you're….Sakamoto, right?" He asked, brain supplying him with a name that he wasn't quite sure matched.
"Yeah, that's him." Ann confirmed, nodding.
"So...where are we?"
Opening their mouths, each of them explained their parts of the story, and asking how he'd gotten here.
He explained, too, all the while watching Ann take on that expression she had when she was thinking.
"I think….we should let him join us." She said, holding her hand up as protests began to come from Sakamoto.
"Think about it...he needs us just as much as we need him."
The other boy nodded, "I agree with Ann."
"So do I!" A cat-like figure chirped from the ground, making him scramble back.
"What the hell is that thing?"
"That's just Mona. Ya get used to him."
"Oh...okay?"
"Back to the main topic," Ann began, rolling her eyes, "Are we all in agreement that we'll let him join?"
"Yeah, I guess."
The boy in the black and white mask nodded, and then led them to the left side of the castle, to what looked like an air shaft. The cat, the boy, and Sakamoto climbed in, but Ann shimmed in last, holding a hand gloved in pink out to him.
"Come on, let's get moving!"
Mishima smiled and took her hand.
"Yeah, let's go."
this has been in the works for weeks
and i finally finished it
but it's for a friend so i hope they like it
and also
school started so updates/fics are going to be very sparse because typically i can't write many full fledged fics during the school season
anyway, thank you for reading! maybe leave a comment or review? it helps more than you think!