A/N: ALRIGHT I'VE COME TO A REALIZATION; fuck ALL of YALL (no offense) I'm gonna write what I wanna write when I wanna write it. Right now it's this. Keklmao. See you fuckers somewhere else, probably.

T'was a normal, quiet time in the Firelink Shrine. Andre was-a hammering. Karla was-a bitchin', and the Firekeeper was-a... She's there too.

"PARRY THIS YOU FILTHY CASUAL" roared the all-too familiar voice of the bronze-skinned Moog, clad in the Iron Dragonslayer's shark-toothed set.

Whilst Goom would never truly want to wear such a set (the thing looked like it had been buffed and scraped simultaneously.) he could at least admit, when Moog wore it, someone died.

Well, it was usually him, the fucking casul, but this time it was different.

Goom sighed heavily, taking no enjoyment in the clinking and stomping of his very own armour, the full Dragonslayer (not iron) set upon him, walking up the stairs past Hawkmoon, or Hawkwood, whatever that Farron bastard was called to see the idiot beating up Leonhard, shouting about his retarded projectile spam.

"What in fucking hell are you on about, you crazy cunt? I don't even have a bloody crossbow!" Leonhard frantically defend himself, the fucking beta, before receiving a fine gut punch from Moog.

"THAT'LL TEACH YOU TO REQUIRE SKILL TO BEAT!" Moog roared, spitting on Leonhard. It's actually very weird, because the entire Iron Dragonslayer Helmet mouth literally opened up and spit at him. Not even Moog. How the hell does that work?

"Stop being a raging homosexual and come with me so we can do some ganky shit. Like invade someone in the Farron Swamps then go to that one ladder bit, then go up and down until they literally want to die, then you piss off the Old Wolf of Farron bonfire after several hours of searching, then you sit back and relax as the host's phantoms die over and over again and you get a shit ton of souls basically for running away." Goom spanked Moog's firm, metal ass quietly.

"Shut up, casual. Today is the day we fist a crab." Moog ignored the metally slap on his armoured rear end, choosing merely to run off the throne overhang thing and break his leg on the Bonfire, screaming like a retarded child after breaking their own toy.

Anyways, they went to the Farron Swamps after fisting a few crabs, deciding to put their Summon Signs down near the Crucifixion Woods bonfire. After enduring the hell that was the Dark Souls 3 summoning system, they found themselves in literally anywhere but a swamp.

It was a forest. So maybe I exaggerated a tiny bit, so what? Sue me, profligate. There was this weird looking kid in spicy gothic loli cosplay on the ground, flashes of white around her, a giant black wolf with white plates upon them, looking almost as stupid as the kid it was beating up.

"Oh, shit, lmao. That's our host, innit?" Moog said like an idiot, being an idiot. "What an idiot." Goom said, as Moog idiotically did not respond. That's comedy, right?

"Yes, you fucking lardmuffin. Now piss off so I can get me some wolf hides." Goom dickpunched Moog, who merely said "I'm wearing a codpiece you absolute simpering R1 spammer." Moog slowly faded out of existence until he was referenced in the next scene or whatever.

Goom grappled the wolf, putting his hands on both of it's jaws and slowly pulling them apart, before ripping them a-fucking-sunder, throwing the broken lower jaw at the dissipating corpse. Oh yeah. It's dissipating. What a cop out.

"Oi, you fucking idiot. Get up. I already waste embers like Dark Souls 2 was a waste of effort with that idiotic Goom around, so get up. I want to get my fucking pale tongues and piss off, please." He held out an armoured, ghostly (how the hell does that work, by the way? Do they just astrally project into other worlds? Is that what phantom summoning is? Astral projection by way of a fucking stone? Hell, how do MESSAGES work? Are we astrally projecting journal entries onto random things we find? On top of that, how come the Chosen Undead is such a big, powerful entity when literally any undead can link to a bonfire and throw themselves at an enemy endlessly? Hell, how do BONFIRES work? They've a fragment of the first flame, but that means they're teleporting, healing swords-in-the-bones? Why is there a SWORD? Does there even NEED to be? Which part of the bonfire gives the healing part? When you activate a bonfire, is it the fragment connecting to your soul and getting all kinky? Why can't bonfires be moved? Why can some terrain be magically traversed (literal swamps, seas of shit, massive jumps, extremely high jumps) but if I fall five feet, I've broken my god damn legs? Why is jumping only useful for going over small spaces? Are all chosen undead physically incapable of jumping a few feet up, but they can jump across gaps of the same length and it's nothing? It's just so fuckign STUPI)

"Wh-.. Who are you?" The weird kid thing asked.

"Cunt, I'm your bloody Phantom. You pressed my Summon Sign, and I came. Don't act like an idiot. Get up so we can go home." Then suddenly, the entire forest blew up because Goom unleashed the Atlesian arsenal upon it, unleashing several atom bombs, irreperably damaging the terrain and all that lives in it as well as destroying a significant portion of Beacon Academy (Because the Emerald Forest and Beacon are either within spitting distance or are essentially on another continent) and ending the lives of thousands. This traumatic event has left many.. well, traumatized, and it is unlikely anyone will ever be the same again.

This was gonna be a semi-serious story.

Just two idiotic phantoms being summoned into Remnant and beating something up then pissing off.

But I honestly just don't want to do that.

Also, you're gay.