Blown out Candles; A Loveless Fan fiction
Ritsuka tells the tale of how –secretly – he had always wanted Soubi's love, his affection, but hid this in a shell of doubt and confusion, becoming more emotionally fragile as the days went by. And the worst thing? He'd already blown out his candles…
When Soubi had first come into my life, claiming to be a friend of Seimei's, an instant bond had sprung between us. I felt ready to trust, to sacrifice my life – it wouldn't be on Soubi's behalf, rather it would all be for Seimei's. I had no care, no interest in this blonde haired man; I sought only the knowledge he possessed. Oh, what an uncaring naïve fool I was back then, as it is only now that I can reflect back on those days with a 'real' wisdom and understanding of the summers gone by.
My childhood and life as a developing teenager had greatly depended on my views of the world, how I progressed as an individual and forgetting of the past. Seimei's death, life with my mother, it was all bound to change this. I'd already seen a distinction between what I would later think of as 'The two worlds' o 'The two split personalities.' The first would be School, the outside. Life with Soubi and my friends, battles and excitement, love and happiness. It was familiar to me, without becoming wearisome and mundane, full of the most delightful conversations, new things discovered and best of all, 'making memories'. It was a universe of discovery that I had at first shied away from, but with time drawn towards – become accustomed to.
The other, you ask? Well that was quite different; the family life, the pretence. As soon as I got home I had to suit my mother's tastes in every way, living a false, forgotten life, only catering to my mother's needs because I could sympathise with her feelings with the utmost passion. Although I was not myself – despite it all, I loved her dearly, and could not blame her for fate's hideous gift of death bestowed upon her – us – and mostly, and more importantly, dear brother, Seimei.
I was sure these worlds could never meet; live in harmony with each other as I always wish.
This period of my life was very much a whirlpool of swirling feelings and confusion which I am sure every teenage boy has experienced; I was unsure what to expect from the world, what new uncomprehend able challenge would be thrown at me next. It was the world of the unpredicted, and throughout my growth despite all of my teacher's claims that I was a model student, progressing at every stage, I really felt that I had only learnt one thing When times are rough, it's not the 'right' thing to do, sitting there for days on end of timeless solitude and meditation, you should take action, savour the happy times and the memories. Enjoy what you have when you do have it… because nothing stays for long…
At this time, whether I knew it or not, Soubi was steadily becoming an anchor, steadfast, holding me down and offering the support I needed. I loved him for it, I truly did. Every time he kissed me it was enjoyable heart wrenching pain, yet I couldn't bear to admit to myself – or Soubi, for that matter – that I was drawing pleasure from his soft lips encasing me, the effect sending shivers down my thin back. It was what Rio would have once referred to as a 'guilty pleasure'.
Many summers late I had finally drawn the courage from deep within my soul to tell me beloved Soubi what I truly wished for – him by my side in everlasting peace, sharing moments together in many a sweet caress. Oh, I poured my heart out into that moment. The next moments of this encounter, however, are somewhat painful to relive, and I still feel a terrifying start, judder and halt of my heart when I think of it. But it must be recorded, while I have the bravery in my heart, before it dwindles.
"Ritsuka, with all my heart I wish I could comply with your order, yet I cannot. You are too young, and shall always remain that way within my eyes until I become too old and unbecoming in yours. My dear Ritsuka, I am sorry, for I pledge this to be the truth.'
Hereby my story ends; my two worlds never met, my love was never mine and I shall always remain to be Loveless until the end, which is not so far away.
It was long ago that I blew out my candles, after all.