-Inspired during a conversation with a friend over another friend on an issue that seems to have no resolution. I won't tell who I thought of while writing it though, that's for you to decide. Enjoy.

I've always hung around, mostly in the background. It was easier to stay hidden than bother making a fuss. Easier to be liked, or just easier to not be hated. I always got to see everyone else excited, cheery and interested. I would sometimes fake along, sometimes actually agree with the emotions, but those feelings never lasted.

No matter the circumstance, even if I did smile and laugh along with the rest, it was just a mask. Inside I was still sad, still hollow, still untouched. Emotion for me was never true, only played at to stay a part of the gang, to be included in the friends who seemed to actually care. I wanted to be a part, wanted so bad you could never know.

I wanted someone, anyone at the time, to see me and care for me. I never knew that wasn't what I really wanted until I found someone, the wrong someone, and yet right at the same time. A sort of darkness that's impossible to resist. There was another too, like a light compared to the other, but that relationship was more distant. We were never close enough for it to matter, never close enough to keep me safe from the eventual cracking.

Darkness held my heart, my body, my mind. I was no longer my own. I never quite minded, not most of it. There were moments and actions I would have stopped if I could, or at least tried to.

The loss of control never fully bothered me as most would think it should, I knew as long as I adapted I'd be fine, and adapting was all too easy. The hardest part was when the darkness left. Suddenly a part of me, a rather huge one by now, was just gone. Then reality begin to crash back and everything I had been trying and able to avoid with the dark, the false smiles and faked cheer, they all hit back full force.

It was too much, no matter what I told myself. And very little of that was contradictory to the mood around me.

I became more detached then, eventually avoiding my friends altogether. There was nothing to help in tagging along with them, nothing to gain and more to lose. For myself surely, and I'll bet even for them. They were sure to be happier without me there.

--

After a few years and strange string of events of which I only know a handful or so, I wzas back with my friends though we didn't 'hang out' much anymore. It was all more distant, yet less strained. There were no really fake smiles or cheer, just the sort that vanishes as you show it. The only thing that didn't vanish was the emptiness inside.

One other memory of the past returned too. It seemed that even before my friends the darkness returned. It might be strange, but even after all the pain I still was secretly glad. The light was never enough to help, never like the darkness.

I guess I had secretly hoped the darkness would at least bring back the blissful nothing I'd felt before. But I never have had much luck... This time when I lost control it was only partial, enough to keep me feeling everything as things went about almost as they were before. There had been a deeper still darkness, like a great abyss, trying to affect mine. I suppose for a short time it succeeded, but the effects were not long. I suppose that is why I wasn't ever fully out of control.

Or perhaps I had gotten stronger so secretly even I didn't know it happened.

--

There is one thing that still bothered me. One question still left unanswered.

When do I get to be happy?

Guess who it was written to/as and maybe I'll have to write something for you as a prize.

Anyway, hope you liked and please do review.