Title: Map Of The Problematique
Category: TV Shows » Once Upon A Time
Author: Alwaysbringback-up
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M (for graphic depictions of self-harm)
Genre: Angst/Suspense
Map of the Problematique (Inspired By Muse's song)
Pairing: SwanQueen
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the OUAT universe. All characters belong to the show's creators, Eddie and Adam. I promise that my writing is done purely for recreational purposes only. No ill harm is intended.
A/N: Trigger Warning! This fic contains graphic depictions of cutting/self-harm. If that's not your cup of tea I recommend you guys skip this one!
Fear, and panic in the air
I want to be free
From desolation and despair
And I feel like everything I saw
Is being swept away
When I refuse to let you go
Regina let out a soft hum of annoyance, as she signed off on yet another document, and moved it from the to do pile, to the finished pile on her desk. She grabbed the next paper off of the pile and skimmed it, pausing every so often to jog back over something that didn't make sense the first time she read it through. In a couple minutes, she made it to the end of the document, and lifted her pen. In perfectly elegant handwriting, Regina's name was signed to the paper. Without thinking, Regina lifted the paper and transferred it to the adjacent pile. Then she started all over again. Regina's eyes glanced at the name on the letterhead, and she suddenly froze, as she recognized the name and handwriting. It was Emma's. Regina blinked several times, and glanced down at the time stamp. It was dated weeks ago, but had only just made it to her desk. Regina suddenly swallowed over the large lump in her throat as her eyes started to burn. Slowly, the black words blurred before her eyes. Regina fought the tears, but she quickly realized it was futile. As they spilled over, Regina reached up to feverishly wipe them away, but one tear eluded her fingers and dropped onto the paper below, smudging the ink.
"I can't," Regina whispered aloud to no one in particular, "I can't deal with this today."
Regina set her pen down on the desk.
Regina's eyes darted to the clock on her desk. It was five thirty already. Sure, she could go home, but part of Regina dreaded doing so, because then she knew she'd have to face Robin. It wasn't that she didn't want to see him, exactly, but rather it was because she knew that when she did see him, he would inevitably ask her how she was doing. He would ask her how her day went, and Regina would have to lie to him. She'd have to pretend that she was okay. But she wasn't. She couldn't be, not with her best friend suffering so. She didn't want to have to pretend that this whole thing with Emma becoming the Dark One, hadn't absolutely destroyed her. Hell, she knew that she couldn't do that. She misses Emma. For weeks, every waking moment had been spent trying to find a solution, but one still had yet to be found. Emma was only getting worse. The blonde put on a good face for her parents, and Henry, but Regina saw through the façade. She recognized the pain in the blonde's eyes, and the endless torment waging in Emma's sea green eyes. And although the blonde tried to hide it from her, and insisted that she was fine, Regina would not be fooled. She'd been through it all herself. She knew what darkness and pain looked like.
I can't get it right
Get it right
Since I met you
Loneliness be over
When will this loneliness be over?
With a sigh, Regina reached up to rub at the sore muscles in her neck and shoulders. She let out a sigh, as her eyes moved back to the paper in front of her.
Her eyes hurt now from the tears she had shed, and Regina moved her glasses out of the way so that she could rub at the soreness in them.
A knock suddenly sounded at the door.
"Come in," Regina called hoarsely, her voice thick with weary emotion. Slowly, the door opened, and Regina pulled her hand fall away from her eyes so that she could see who it was that had come to see her. With a pang, Regina looked up to find Snow standing there with a carefully wrapped bundle grasped in her hand. Regina straightened her glasses on her nose and met Snow's apologetic expression.
"No," Regina said sternly, shaking her head vigorously. "Not tonight."
"But the schedule says that it's your turn tonight," Snow reminded her.
"I said no!" Regina's voice boomed angrily. "Give it to someone else. I'm not taking it."
"Regina," Snow persisted, "You owe it to Emma to protect it!"
"Damn you," Regina hissed. "You think I don't know that?!"
"Yeah? Well you're acting like you need to be reminded," Snow told her.
"I can't…" Regina exhaled. "I can't do it, Snow. I just can't… seeing her name on the blade like that, when it should be mine. It… It kills me. It absolutely kills me."
"You don't even have to unwrap it," Snow offered, "Just keep it somewhere close."
Regina grudgingly nodded, as Snow set it down on the desk.
"I know how much of a toll this is taking on you, Regina," Snow made a point of speaking, "But please don't feel guilty. Go home, and enjoy your time with Robin and Henry. That's what she would want."
"And what gives you any right to say that?" Regina bit out angrily. "You don't know what Emma wants!"
"Yes I do!" Snow shot back. "I know, because Emma told me," Snow replied sadly. "She sacrificed herself so you could get your happy ending, not so that you could squander it and throw it away!"
"I'm not throwing it away!" Regina shouted as she stood up quickly, her fist slamming down on the desk. "How dare you! How dare you pretend to know what it is that I'm feeling!?"
"Regina…"
"Leave," Regina ordered, her eyes and tone blazing with anger. "Leave now or so help me."
"I…I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to…to insinuate how you should or shouldn't feel about this whole thing," Snow backpedaled. "The lord knows that I'm devastated. It… It's okay for you to be too."
"Thank you for your permission," Regina spat, "I feel so much better already."
"She's okay, Regina," Snow spoke reassuringly. "You know that. She's struggling, but she's okay."
"God, Snow," Regina said with a hollow laugh, "You're so damned naïve!"
"Regina," Snow groaned.
"She's suffering!" Regina announced. "If you cared to look hard enough, you would see it. But you and your precious Charming only see what you want to see."
"That doesn't change her wishes," Snow said pointedly. "She wanted you to be happy."
"That's bullshit! If your daughter truly wanted nothing but my happiness, then she shouldn't have… She shouldn't have…" Regina forced herself to stop suddenly, realizing that she was about to admit to something she had no right in saying.
"I know," Snow nodded, seemingly reading Regina's mind. "We'll figure out a way to fix this, Regina. You have to believe that. And once we do, maybe then you can tell her what an idiot she is for doing this."
*(Darker content begins here...)*
And everybody says that I should just forget
The hardest part is over with
But it's so dark and I can't see the light
There will never be a heart that I could break
That I could find to take your place
There's nothing I can do
I can't get over you overnight
Yeah I can't get over you overnight
Emma was disconsolate… She felt so very defeated, as she continued to lose her battle with the darkness swirling so ferociously around her. The darkness swarmed around every glint of light left in her heart, trying to extinguish what was left, and making Emma want to scream out with every beat of her heart. It was a constant battle, a never-ending and exhausting war that Emma knew that she would never be able to win. With an air of despondence, she realized that she just couldn't hold on any longer. She became numb to everything around her as she stared down at the sharp razor hovering over her right wrist. She had been this way for most of the day…catatonic and unfeeling. Sure, the nearly bottle of tequila that sat next to her on the cold bathroom floor had helped her with this, but she still remained unsatisfied. The anger and never ending desire to hurt those that she cared about had persisted well into the bottle, but had finally relented about an hour ago. The constant need to inflict pain on others never went away…not now with the darkness tethered to her soul. When she'd first been tethered to the darkness, the only way to fight the urges had been to inflict harm on her own self. She'd started cutting. Angry red tracks marked the milky white flesh of her upper thighs and arms. Every time that she felt the need to destroy, Emma took a razor blade to herself.
Cutting herself, bleeding herself Emma had decided…that was okay… but hurting those that she cared about, those she loved, that was not okay. Still, Emma didn't know how much longer she could fight it. The darkness was winning. The urges to harm the others around her were getting stronger. And she would never be able to forgive herself if she let harm come to those she cared about.
Emma had reached her resolve. She didn't want to feel such anger, such hatred any longer. In fact, she didn't want to feel anything. Emma took in a deep breath, as she looked up and glanced around her. The sunlight was peaking into her room and bathroom from an open window. She shielded her eyes from the sunlight by leaning back against the tub so that she was in shadow. It felt better, there in the darkness.
If she was going to do this, Emma knew that she had to be really serious about it…because in some sick and twisted way there really was no coming back this time. This was it. She was all-alone now. No one was there to hover over her and assure her of good things to come. There was no good for her anymore, and all she could think, was that she wanted out… she wanted to be free. Anything would be better than this endless torment.
It was the only answer that she could come up with. If she died with the darkness tethered to her, then the dagger would become powerless, and the darkness would too. At least her family and Regina would be safe.
Yes, Emma tried to convince herself, This is the best way. The only way.
Emma looked back down to the razor grasped tightly in her hand. Her knuckles were white. She was torn between her next move, for she knew that if she decided to go forward, it would be easy. This method, to her, seemed to fit almost too perfectly. The razor could be used to cut with a surgeon's precision and skill. She wouldn't feel much pain with all of the alcohol in her system.
She blinked for the first time in what seemed like forever and reluctantly set the razor next to her on the floor. She flexed and extended her tense forearm that had been resting in her lap, and supinated her upper limb so that her palm was once again facing upwards. She brought two of her fingers down on the flesh located just below her thumb and palpated the tendons and radial artery just underneath the flesh there. Then she ceased her deep breathing and did away with all other thoughts as felt the steady pulse move through the vessel. Emma closed her eyes.
"1…2…3…4…5…," she counted the beats as they came. Her goal in a mere few minutes would be to stop this beat…to cease to live. She felt herself shaking. Emma clenched each of her hands into a tight fist, squeezing briefly. A fraction of a moment later, she released and shook out her hands. Suddenly her eyes snapped open once again.
'I'm running out of time,' Emma thought to herself as another jolt traveled up her spine. This was the longest she'd held off the darkness, in a long time, and she knew it was only a matter of time before it took over again.
Emma looked closely at the skin of her forearms, running her fingertips over the cuts and scars that were faintly visible. No one knew about her past of self-abuse. Not even Hook. A lot of people in Emma's life had hidden things from her, but Emma had done so much better.
Part of her felt guilty for keeping this secret, and for hiding it from them. She'd made a habit of wearing long sleeves to conceal the damage she inflicted on herself these last few months. The truth was, no one had any idea of what she was doing to herself behind closed doors, and by the time that they knew...well, she'd be gone.
The only sound that could be heard from around her were the tiny splashed caused by the droplets that were falling from the leaky faucet of the bathtub. Emma abruptly stood up and dipped her hand subconsciously in the water of the tub as she walked by. The tub itself was nearly full, but had remained untouched thus far.
She knew that her parents, would likely never understand...or forgive her for what she was about to do. But the whole reason she was tempted to leave this place was because she couldn't cope with her existence anymore. It hurt too much. She just couldn't get it right. No matter what she did, Emma could not get things right. She was a failure…in and out of relationships.
This whole thing wasn't completely her fault, and she knew that, but it still found it causing her pain. God, she was always in so much pain. She just couldn't handle it anymore. She had done it to save Regina's happiness, and had destroyed her own in the same moment. The brunette would never know, but Emma loved her, truly loved her. In fact, her love was so strong, Emma had been desperate to protect the brunette by any means necessary, even if it meant sacrificing herself in the process.
Even so, it had been torturous watching Regina with Henry and Robin these last few weeks. It was painful seeing all of the little smiles and touches that Regina reserved for her soulmate. Emma knew that she hid her pain well, because Regina never even looked like she even suspected Emma's feelings for her. And by the time that the brunette did, Emma would be gone.
Emma began to make her way out of the bathroom and into her bedroom. No one else was home so it didn't really matter that she was traipsing around in a ratted tee and a pair of lacy underwear.
Emma paused as a thought struck her and she walked towards the small linen closet upstairs. She opened the door slowly and began to shift through the towels for what she thought would be the old and easily disposable towels. Soon she had a good handful of worn towels in her hand. She walked back into her bedroom, and set the towels on the end of the bed. Emma then dropped backwards and down onto the mattress with a creak of the mattress' springs, and lay there for a long moment, staring up at the ceiling. Her actions at this point were still quite uncoordinated due to the fact that she was heavily intoxicated, but she didn't really care. Emma let out a deep breath, and then pushed herself up on her elbows, looking at the many pictures of Henry, Hook, Regina, and her family. She felt her eyes prick with tears as she sat fully up, picked one up, and ran her fingers lovingly over the glass. It helped to remind herself of why she was doing this. Slowly, Emma stood and set the picture down on her dresser, grabbing the towels as she walked back into the bathroom.
Emma shut the door tightly and shoved a towel underneath the woodwork of the door, wedging it between the woodwork and tile. With a flick of her wrist she locked the door, and turned away from it. She grabbed a bottle of aspirin from the sink and poured a small handfull into her hand. Emma popped the aspirin into her mouth, and swallowed them with a large swig of tequila from the bottle. She did this intentionally. After all, Aspirin was a blood thinner. She hoped it would expedite what she was about to do, and make it less painful.
Emma thought vaguely about leaving a note, but decided against it.
To leave a note would be an attempt to offer closure to everyone else, and that was simply unrealistic. It might even seem insulting. The truth is, there is no closure achieved in death except for the victim itself… The only thing left for others is grief. As much as she would like to offer anything else to them…Emma knew she could not.
Emma picked up the razor determinedly, and stepped into the tub. She winced slightly as she felt the sting of the hot water against her skin, but her body quickly adjusted to it. Slowly, Emma lowered herself into the tub, without taking off her clothes. She decided that she didn't want whoever found her to have memories of her naked mutilated body burned forever into their minds. The act of killing herself would be bad enough. With trembling fingers, Emma placed the blade over the radial artery of her right forearm. She applied a small bit of pressure on the razor as it rested just beneath her thumb, and a small bead of blood leaked out from the dermal layer of her skin. Emma took a steadying breath, and grasped the blade that much harder. She needed to go deeper.
Life will flash before my eyes
So scattered almost
I want to touch the other side
And no one thinks they are to blame
Why can't we see
That when we bleed we bleed the same
She pushed harder on the blade itself and pulled it towards the proximal end of the forearm, towards the elbow. She screamed briefly in pain as she did so. For the first time in what seemed like forever, she felt something. Tears began working their way furiously down her cheeks. Three long inches…that's how long she cut for. The blood was gushing fast from her forearm. Her hand nearly slipped from the razor as it too became smothered in blood. She moved to the other side of the forearm and began a smaller cut up the Ulnar artery now that her radial was successfully shredded. Emma felt her stomach lurch. For the first time, she felt sick and nauseated at the sight of her blood. It was so thick it was nearly black. Emma watched as it cascaded down her forearm in a steady stream dripping into the water. Soon the water surrounding her became saturated with red.
Emma slumped down in the tub, nearly dropped the razor in a moment of weakness. The pain she was experiencing was unbearable and torturous, and yet it felt so liberating. It was almost pleasurable, as the edge was taken off. The feeling was going in her right hand. She was also lightheaded now, and the room was spinning in a fit of vertigo. Emma moaned and clumsily picked up the razor with her right hand now. The feeling was going in her fingertips and she could hardly keep herself from shaking as she ran the razor three inches down the radial artery on her left arm. Emma hissed as the razor suddenly slipped from her finger and dropped into the water below with a splash. Emma moved to reach down, into the water. She braced herself with her left hand, while her right, groped in the water for the blade, but she couldn't find it.
"Fuck," Emma hissed, as Emma's left hand slipped from the edge of the tub, and fell towards the tile floor of the bathroom. Emma tried to find the energy to move, but her strength was already fading.
Blood continued to drip off the ends of her fingertips and onto the clean white tile, staining it with a new and foreign crimson color. Emma was fighting to stay conscious. Her heart was beating faster and faster, and all Emma could do was let out a groan. She let her head fall backwards against the edge of the tub, turning her neck slightly sideways. Slowly the color washed out, all of the colors seemingly blurring together in a pattern that was both beautiful and dizzying. Emma was getting close to the end. She knew it.
Now all she had to do was let go and close her eyes. Sure enough, Emma took one last breath, and let herself fall into blackness. As she suspected, the darkness welcomed her with open arms.
I can't get it right
Get it right
Since I met you
Loneliness be over
When will this loneliness be over?
Regina couldn't make herself get up out of the chair at her desk. Snow had left long ago, but the brunette just couldn't move. All she could do was stare at the item in her hands. Slowly, reverently, her fingers traced the letters etched into the silvery blade clutched tightly in her hand. She hadn't wanted to look at it…hadn't want to feel the undeniable pain as she saw the savior's name etched into the steel, but she knew she needed to see it. She couldn't let herself forget about Emma's monumental sacrifice.
It had taken her a long time, but she knew now that Emma's sacrifice had been made out of love. Of course, Regina didn't have the heart to tell Emma that she knew, because Regina knew that if Emma suspected, that it would make the blonde feel even more despondent.
Part of Regina was desperate to come clean...to tell Emma how she truly felt, but then the fear would remind her of why she couldn't. She was afraid of how the new Dark One would react to any of Regina's feelings. How much of the woman she loved was truly left after the darkness took over? Regina still didn't know. Regina was also afraid that Emma might feel as if her sacrifice had all been made all for naught, if she were faced with this new piece of information. How was the blonde supposed to know that when she sacrificed herself in order for Regina to get her happy ending that she was taking it with her?
Regina's phone started ringing for the fifth time, and with a sigh, Regina set the blade back on her desk. Quickly, Regina plucked the phone from the top of her desk, and flipped it open.
"Hello," Regina answered tiredly.
"Mom?" Henry's voice was soft.
"Hi, Henry," Regina greeted, as she stared off into space. "What is it?"
"Are you still at work?" Henry asked her. Regina heard a faint rustling on the other end of the phone.
"Yes," Regina answered, "I was…uh… just finishing up some paperwork."
"Oh," Henry replied flatly. It was clear that he didn't entirely believe her. "Okay. I was just getting hungry and was wondering if you were coming home for dinner."
"Is…" Regina swallowed, sighed, and then spoke, "Is Robin there?"
There's a long pause. She suspected that Henry was shaking his head, but she couldn't see. Then he seemed to catch himself, because he answered, "No. He left about an hour ago. He said that he was staying in the woods tonight."
"Oh."
"He also said that if you wanted to see him, he'd be happy to stop by, but he figured that you were avoiding him again." Regina closed her eyes, and let out a soft groan. Apparently, she was more transparent than she originally thought. "He knew that you were screening his calls."
"Oh," Regina replied softly. "I…I didn't really mean to make him feel like I didn't want to see him, it's just…"
"It's Emma, right?" Henry interjected softly.
"Yeah," Regina nodded, "I forgot, but it's my turn to watch the dagger tonight, and it's just...it reminds me of how little progress we've made these past couple months."
"We'll find an answer," Henry spoke optimistically, ever the warm hearted boy she raised. "I know we will." Regina felt her eyes start to burn as tears built in her eyes.
"Mom, are you okay?"
"I…" Regina hesitated, but then thought better of it. Henry was an observant young man, and he always seemed to know how she was feeling. "No, I'm really not."
"Is there anything I can do?" Henry offered earnestly.
"No," Regina said as tears built in her eyes, "I really don't think so."
"You should tell her how you feel, Mom," Henry suggested. "I know you're afraid of what it will mean, but… don't you think Emma deserves to know the truth? She tethered herself to the darkness in order to save you. And if that isn't an act of love, then I don't know what is."
"It's… I don't expect you to understand," Regina spoke calmly, "But it's just not that simple, Henry. There are other people involved in this mess. Robin and Hook really don't deserve to get caught up in the middle like this."
"Are you coming home?" He questioned softly.
"I…I will soon," Regina answered. "I just need a couple of minutes to finish up here, and then I'll be on my way."
"It's seven thirty," Henry reminded her. Regina's eyes darted reflexively to the clock.
"I'll be home soon," Regina repeated, with another sigh. With a groan she reached up to rub at her forehead. Her head was suddenly throbbing. "I promise."
"Okay, Mom," Henry replied. "I…I love you."
"I know," Regina said honestly, "I love you too." Henry hung up the phone and Regina dropped the phone back onto her desk. When her eyes moved back to the blade, so that she could wrap it up once more, Regina suddenly froze. The E and M of Emma's name was suddenly gone. A chill shot up Regina's spine as she remembered this happening once before, when Gold was the Dark One.
It was so alarming, because she knew exactly why it was happening. Wherever she was, Emma was dying.
"Oh my god," Regina exclaimed, snatching up the dagger in her hand. Regina suddenly vanished in a puff of purple smoke, reappearing in the middle of the Charming's loft.
"Emma?!" Regina shouted at the top of her lungs. Regina heard heavy footsteps thudding behind her and whirled around to find Snow and Charming rushing towards her.
"Regina? What are you doing here?" Snow exclaimed.
"Emma?!" Regina bellowed, louder, her voice booming through the loft. "Damn it, Emma, where are you?!"
"What is it?" Charming asked as he reached out for her.
"The dagger!" Regina said as she thrust it towards Snow's hand. The other M in Emma's name was now gone. "Where is she?"
"Upstairs in her b-bathroom, t-taking a b-bath," Snow stuttered. As soon as Snow's eyes fell on the blade, she instantly blanched. "Oh my god," Snow breathed. Suddenly, Regina was rushing up the steps, taking them two at a time. She sprinted through Emma's room and tried the handle of the bathroom. "Emma! Emma, open the door!" The handle wouldn't budge. The door was locked.
With a flick of her wrist, the lock quickly disengaged, and Regina tried to open the door. Of course it resisted. Regina threw her shoulder into it, putting all of her weight behind it. The door exploded inwards, crashing against the wall as she stumbled inside. Regina nearly fell down, but caught herself at the last moment.
An involuntary gasp fell from her lips, as Regina quickly found the ever-growing puddle of blood on the floor, the deathly pale blonde, and the deep red water in which Emma was nearly submerged.
"No!" Regina shouted involuntarily, as she suddenly launched herself forwards. "No. No. No. Please, no!" Regina cried out as she dropped down onto her knees, next to the tub, currently not caring that her legs would get soaked in the blonde's blood.
"Emma," Regina's voice quavered as she reached into the tub. "Please, god. Please be alive." She pressed her fingers to Emma's slick neck, feeling for a pulse.
She knew the moment that Snow and Charming found them, because of Snow's low keening wail. Charming quickly pulled Snow's head into him, shielding the mother's view of her daughter.
"Don't look, Snow," Charming whispered into her hair as he cradled her tightly against his chest.
"Is she...?" Charming couldn't even bring himself to finish the question.
"I…I don't know… I… I can't feel anything," Regina said with a sob, "my fingers keep slipping."
It seemed to take forever before she managed to press her fingers to the pulse point of Emma's neck, and felt the faintest throb against her fingers. It was a weak and feeble beat.
"Oh, god," Regina exclaimed, "She's alive, but just barely." Without any further preamble, Regina grabbed Emma under the arms, and started pulling Emma out of the tub. Charming moved Snow to the side and rushed forwards to help Regina. Between the two of them, they managed to get Emma out of the tub, and slowly lowered her to the floor.
Regina gagged as she saw that what little blood was left in Emma's body was still draining from it.
"The towels!" Regina stated loudly. "Wrap her wrist as tightly as you can." Charming remained frozen. "Now, Charming! Or she's going to bleed out!" Regina shouted as she grabbed one of the towels herself and wrapped it around Emma's wrist. Charming finally snapped out of it and did the same.
Snow had her phone flipped open and was dialing 911.
"No!" Regina held up her hand. "Don't bother! They'll never make it on time."
"Can you heal her?" Charming asked her. "Regina, what do we do?"
"Emma, love," Regina whimpered as she stroked the side of Emma's face, brushing damp strands away from Emma's eyes. "Don't do this to me…" Regina reached down with trembling hands to clasp Emma's right hand in hers. "Don't do this to me, love," Regina pleaded out loud. "You can't leave me like this. I…I love you, Emma."
"I'm going to try and heal her injuries, but she'll need a transfusion," Regina informed Emma's parents. Regina squeezed her eyes shut and focused on her breathing. Then, she focused on the icy hand, cradled between hers, and Emma's feeble heartbeat. Carefully, Regina delved into Emma's catastrophic injuries, focusing on weaving. Slowly, the shredded blood vessels and skin began to close from Emma's elbow downwards to Emma's wrist. Regina felt the energy drain out of her, as she channeled all of her magic into closing the major vessels, and the long straight cuts to Emma's forearms. By the time that the lines on Emma's right forearm completely closed, Regina felt completely exhausted. But she knew that her work was still not done. The cut on Emma's left forearm was still gaping open. The towel around Emma's left hand was completely saturated in red.
"Regina," Snow picked up on her dizziness and weakness, as Regina crawled over Emma's lifeless body, towards Emma's other side. "You're not going to have any energy left to transport her to the hospital. I need to call an ambulance."
"No," Regina shook her head adamantly, trying to ignore the sudden fit of vertigo that threatened to lay her flat on her back. "I've got this."
Regina repeated the process with Emma's other arm. It was slow going, but slowly and surely, the gaping wound on Emma's forearm closed, the skin weaving together flawlessly. But the blonde was still so pale.
"I'm going to transport her to the hospital," Regina announced, "You guys can meet us there!"
"Regina, wait!" Snow exclaimed, but the brunette ignored her. Regina wrapped her arms around Emma, and vanished in a puff of smoke.
When she reappeared in the middle of the Emergency Room a moment later, Regina was already shouting for help.
"Help!" Regina shouted, from the floor, with Emma cradled in her arms. "I need help!" The words were no sooner out of her mouth, when Dr. Whale came rushing over.
"Bring a stretcher!" Dr. Whale shouted to a nearby nurse. She rushed off to grab one. "What happened?"
"She slit her wrists!" Regina cried hoarsely. "She cut slits three inches long up each forearm. I found her and I managed to close the wounds, but she's lost so much blood. She's alive, but barely." Emma's eyes were still closed. Regina kissed her on her forehead, and then she quickly pulled her up from the floor. "Please!" Regina cried out in a panic, "She needs blood…. "
Dr. Whale felt for Emma's pulse, and could hardly feel anything at all.
"We need to work quickly," Victor announced calmly, "She's deep into Hypovolaemic shock. If we don't work fast enough, she'll be gone before we can get a unit into her…" At this point Regina refused the possibility that Emma could die. It was like a mantra inside of her head. She wasn't going to let Emma get off this easily. She hoped and prayed that she had found Emma in time. Regina moved her hand and gently brushed the blonde's cheek. Emma was clammy, and gave no response to her touch.
The nurse rushed over with the gurney and Regina lifted her onto it. Then, they were rushing down the hall to the trauma room.
"None of my staff is in today!" Dr. Whale announced as they ran. "I didn't have any surgeries scheduled!"
"If you don't do anything, she's going to die!" Regina shouted. "And if she dies, then I might just kill you too!"
"I can't do it all by myself!" Whale shouted, as they burst through a set of double doors.
"Then let me help you," Regina ordered.
As soon as they make it into the Trauma Room, and got Emma moved onto the table, Dr. Whale was strapping Emma down onto the table.
"So," Dr. Whale said as they were trying to do everything they could to keep Emma alive, "You said that she cut three inch vertical slits up the right and left forearm…?"
"Yes," Regina nodded.
"She really meant business."
"Don't-Please just don't…," Regina choked out as she looked at the man. A moment of silence built before Regina became impatient and burst out. "What do we do?"
"Okay," Victor whispered as he tried to think things through, "While I'm looking for an I.V. site, pull out the bag of O neg and hang it." The nurse was currently rifling through the cluttered room, looking for a unit of O-negative.
"Right," the nurse quickly took a few more seconds to pull out a unit of O negative, and hung it.
Dr. Whale was currently scouring the area around Emma's collarbone, looking for Emma's subclavian vein. He knew it had to be a major vessel, as all of Emma's other veins had clamped off, because of her plummeting blood pressure. He was finally able to find and thread the vein located deep under the skin of Emma's collarbone with the needle, and fed the I.V into it. He pressed down hard just above the tubing, and retracted the needle. He used a large bore I.V. and needle worthy of a central line. He grabbed some tape and secured the line before quickly hooking up the canula to it. Regina watched as the crimson liquid began it's way down the canula and into Emma's body.
"Okay," Dr. Whale snapped, "I need you to help me and hook her up to the heart monitor over there. Follow the picture on the side, when it comes to placing the leads." Regina pulled away and rushed for the cart, pulling it to the side of the table. Dr. Whale handed her a pair of scissors and Regina quickly started cutting away the fabric of Emma's shirt. She quickly grabbed a towel and dried the skin so that the leads would stick. With clumsy, trembling hands, she placed the leads on Emma's chest and stomach and flipped on the machine. The room was instantly filled with a loud beeping as it registered the beat of Emma's heart. It was racing. In fact, it was hard for Regina to remember the last time she had ever felt a heart beat so fast. Emma was practically in V-tach. And although the brunette knew the Emma's heart rate was soaring, what really counted was that her BP was falling to dangerous levels. She was hypotensive.
"What is this?" Regina asked as she held up a strange looking clamp for Dr. Whale to see.
"A pulse oxygen meter," he told her, "Clamp that around her forefinger. It should give a readout!" Regina secured the clamp around Emma's finger.
Regina turned to look at Dr. Whale, who was injecting some more imperative medication through Emma's I.V in hopes of stabilizing her. She was now hooked up to a saline drip in an effort to keep crucial amounts of sodium present in her bloodstream. Emma's breathing was shallow and erratic, and her oxygen levels were plummeting. Regina watched as they fell lower and lower. Red digits were screaming at them both from the monitor. Emma was going to need help breathing; otherwise, she wouldn't make it. This would take more pivotal time away that Dr. Whale needed.
"Damn it," Dr. Whale cursed, "I need an intubation tube!"
"What size?" the nurse called to him as she held out a bag. It was a 7.5 mm.
"That'll do..." Dr. Whale ripped open the package and positioned himself above Emma's head. He tipped her head back ever so slightly and opened her jaw wide, visualizing the tube passing through the vocal chords, as he positioned the tube and continued to ease it into her airway. When it was secure, and he noticed a fog making it's way up the tube. He quickly connected the ambu bag to the tube, and began to ventilate, having the nurse listen for breath sounds. When the nurse gave the thumbs up and he became satisfied, watching her chest rise and fall with each squeeze of the bag.
"I need you to hook her up to the ventilator," Dr. Whale told the nurse. She nodded, and immediately started doing so. As she hooked Emma up to the ventilator, it was then that Regina noticed Emma's eyes flicker open. Emma began to struggle on the table because of her new found disorientation. Regina instinctively pushed her down on the table, trying to catch her gaze. Emma was strapped down, so there wasn't much danger, but she didn't want to risk anything.
"Emma?" Regina spoke as calmly as she could when she caught her gaze, trying to assess her altered mental state. "You need to calm down. You're okay... you're gonna be okay," Regina choked out, as her voice was saying otherwise. Emma was fighting her and the intubation tube. Regina was nearly thrown back as Emma tried using her magic to defend herself. But Regina fought against the invisible binds.
Regina spoke in a soothing voice, "It's me, Emma. It's Regina. It's going to be okay." She reached out and brushed the side of Emma's face as the blonde began to still. Emma moaned and shut her eyes again.
"She's out again," Regina spoke worriedly.
"Yeah," Dr. Whale nodded. "That'll be the drugs kicking in."
Dr. Whale re-inflated the cuff around Emma's other arm, in order to check her blood pressure. Emma's blood pressure continued to plummet on the heart monitor.
Regina's head snapped up as an alarms started going off all over the place.
"What?" Regina shouted, panic seizing her whole body. "What's happening?!"
"Shit! She's crashing!" Whale shouted to Regina as Emma's thundering and galloping pulse suddenly came to a sudden stop. The rapid beats on the monitor were replaced by an eerily steady monotone as Emma's heart stopped completely. "Her heart stopped."
"NO!" Regina screamed hoarsely, her hand involuntarily groping for Emma's. "Don't you dare die on me, Emma!" Regina looked to Dr. Whale, her eyes and expression desperate and pleading. "Please, do something!"
Dr. Whale clamored around Emma's head and snatched the paddles from the nurse's hands and brought them down close to Emma's chest.
"Charge to 200," he said loudly. The nurse did as she was told. "Clear," Dr. Whale shouted. Regina, seemingly in a daze, remained where she was, clutching Emma's hand in a death grip.
"Regina!" Dr. Whale shouted. "Let go and get back!" Regina jumped. She reluctantly dropped Emma's hand and stepped back. Whale pressed the trigger button on the paddles, and Regina watched in horror as Emma's chest was jolted upwards. A machine was breathing for her now, but it would do no good if she didn't have a pulse. She needed both to live.
"No change!" the nurse informed him.
"Charge to 300," Dr. Whale charged the machine again, "Clear!" Emma refused to come back. "Damn it, Emma. Come on!" Dr. Whale took no mercy on the woman as he began compressions, and then charged and administered again. He was determined to revive Emma.
Regina stood there, frozen, watching the cycle repeat itself endlessly. Ten minutes into CPR, when Whale let out one final breath and stepped back from the table, with Emma's flatline echoing throughout the room, Regina was faced with her worst fear.
"No," Regina breathed. "No! Don't give up! Don't you dare give up on her!"
"She's gone, Regina!" Whale said, while wiping his brow. "I'm sorry. She lost too much blood. There was nothing anyone could have done."
Regina opened her mouth to offer a rebuttal, but instead the only sound that escaped was a harsh discordant sob.
"I'll give you a minute to say goodbye," Whale told her breathlessly, as he flipped off the heart monitor. The nurse disconnected Emma from the ventilator, and walked out of the room, leaving Regina alone.
"I'm sorry. Truly, I am," the nurse said, as she gave Regina's shoulder a gentle squeeze.
Regina watched her go, through blurred vision. Tears swam and overflowed in her eyes.
"No," Regina whispered as she walked forwards. "You can't be gone. This...This isn't how it's supposed to go. I was supposed to get the chance to tell you that I love you." Regina let out a scream, her heart breaking. "I never even got the chance!" Regina stroked the side of Emma's face, her hands trembling as her whole body shook with violent sobs. "I love you. I love you so much, Emma," Regina sniffled, a tear dripping down onto Emma's face, as she slowly leant down to follow it with her lips. Regina closed her eyes and pressed a kiss to Emma's forehead.
Regina let out a squeak of alarm and jumped back as a hand reached up and seized the front of her shirt. Regina's eyes flew open, struggling against the hold that Emma had on her.
Shockingly, Regina found two green eyes boring into her own. Regina instantly stopped resisting.
"Emma?" Regina gasped out of shock, torn between what to believe.
Emma gagged, choking on the tube still lodged in her throat. Emma's chest arched off of the table as her entire body fought the obstruction. Regina pushed the blonde down, and stroked her fingers through Emma's damp strands, attempting to calm the blonde.
"Easy, Emma," Regina told her. "Easy. Just hang on a minute. It's going to be okay. I'm going to get rid of hte tube, but I need you to hold still. I don't want to risk hurting you, do you understand?" Emma stilled, though the gagging sounds persisted.
Regina waved a hand, and the tube was instantly gone. Emma hacked and coughed for several long minutes, moaning as she raked in one deep ragged breath after another.
"Emma," Regina sobbed brokenly, as she reached down to stroke Emma's face. Emma nuzzled the hand softly.
"Shh," Emma soothed. "Shh, love. It's okay."
"I thought I lost you," Regina said between tears. "God, Emma, I was so scared."
"It's okay," Emma whispered softly, her voice hoarse and scratchy. "It's okay, Regina. You saved me. It's all over now."
Regina felt the stirrings of anger inside of her, as she remembered that Emma did this to herself. She took a step backwards from the table.
"Regina?" Emma said softly, reading the torment in deep brown eyes, "What's wrong?"
"Why…why did you do it?" Regina asked. "How could you? Didn't you think of what you'd be doing to your family? To Henry? To me?"
"That's just it," Emma shook her head softly, "I did it to protect you. I did it so that I couldn't hurt anyone."
"Emma," Regina's voice broke under the sheer weight of Regina's emotions. The sound was wet and raw, and it broke Emma's heart. She felt like she needed to explain. She needed Regina to understand why.
"I started weeks ago," Emma said in a soft voice, almost too quiet to be heard. Regina's breath caught in her throat as she lifted Emma's forearm to her lips and kissed the skin there. It all made sense now. The long sleeves that Emma had been wearing lately, the way the blonde recoiled when Regina or anyone else touched her forearm. Regina wondered how she hadn't noticed it sooner. Regina pressed her lips to Emma's skin over and over again, relishing the slight shiver this elicited from Emma. "It was the only outlet for all of my anger and pain. I just…I didn't want to hurt someone else. One night the urge was particularly strong, and I just grabbed a razor and started cutting. I don't want to go into too much detail, but it… it felt good. As I watched the blood washed down the drain, it's like I felt all of my pain disappear along with it."
"Emma," Regina's voice was tight. She couldn't listen to this. It…It was too much. It hurt to much.
"I figured that if I could just get all of it out, then it would all go away," Emma continued, "But it didn't go away. The urges only got stronger."
"And so you decided to just…" Regina's voice trailed off. She couldn't say it.
"Do you need me to say it for you?" Emma said quietly, "I wanted to fucking die, Regina. I just wanted for it to be over. I needed to end it. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I couldn't put myself through it anymore… I couldn't watch you be happy with him, when I..." Emma let out a groan and bit down hard on her tongue, tearing her eyes away from Regina.
"When you what?" Regina asked. "When you what, Emma?"
"Nothing," Emma said as she closed her eyes. "I gave up. Let's just leave it at that."
"No," Regina growled. "That's not good enough. You've never given up in all the time that I've known you!" Regina shouted back, the vein in her forehead flaring, "So why now? What made this time any different?"
"Regina, please, I don't want to talk about it," Emma told her.
"Well that's too bad!" Regina shouted, "Because I don't care! How could you, Emma?!"
"H-How could I?" Emma snapped as her neck snapped back to fix Regina with her glare. "F-Fuck you, Regina! You haven't looked at me for weeks!"
"I couldn't look at you!" Regina screamed. "You sacrificed yourself to save my happiness and ruined it instead! You ruined me! And now you act like I'm not allowed to care?" Regina's fist clenched as she resisted the sudden urge to hit something.
"Regina," Emma sighed. "I…I'm sorry. I honestly didn't think you'd care."
"Fuck you!" Regina spat. "That just goes to show you how much you know! I love you, Emma! Okay? I love you. Your death would have destroyed me!"
"Wait. What? You...You love me?" Emma's voice was timid. Regina's chocolate brown orbs met Emma's vibrant green, and Regina saw the genuine surprise there. Emma wasn't faking it. There was honestly no way to fake surprise like that. Emma really had no idea. Emma's eyes never left Regina's as she reached down to grapple with the buckles affixing her to the table. Finally, after fumbling with the buckles, Emma was able to free herself and slowly pushed herself up into a seated position.
Emma let out a groan and reached up to her head, as she was met with a subsequent fit of lightheadedness.
"Easy, Emma," Regina said as she reached out to steady Emma, "Don't make any sudden movements. You're likely still in shock from your little stunt." Regina exhaled shakily as she felt a shock course through her body at the contact. Emma was shivering, and Regina noted how the blonde's shirt was still drenched and in tatters.
"Regina," Emma said as she met the brunette's soft gaze.
"Do you need me to say it again?" Regina said softly, "Because I'll say it however many times you need me to, in order for you to believe it." Emma's face scrunched up as a sob broke it's way free. "Shh," Regina soothed as she instinctively wrapped her arms around the blonde. "It's okay. I've got you now, Emma." Emma only started sobbing louder. "I love you. I love you and it's okay."
"I'm sorry," Emma cried into her shoulder, as Regina rubbed circles on her back.
"I know," Regina breathed. "I know. I'm sorry too. I should've told you." Regina squeezed her eyes shut, just focusing on breathing.
"I didn't know," Emma whispered, "You have to believe me, I never would have done the things I did, if I had known…"
"God, Emma," Regina spoke with a broken voice. "Please… Please just promise me that you will never do something like this again. I can't ever lose you."
Emma let out a deep breath, seemingly deescalating. "Look, I…I'm sorry okay. I…I didn't mean to hurt you, Regina; I was just so fucking tired. I…I didn't know what to do anymore."
"You don't have to worry about that anymore, okay?" Regina said, the words altogether heavy. "Because it's over now, and I'm here for you." Slowly, Regina pulled back to look into Emma's eyes.
"I know," Emma told her as she reached up to pull Regina's lips towards hers. Emma moaned softly into the kiss. Soft lips pressed together patiently. Slowly they began to move against each other. Regina's lips began to gravitate, moving in a gentle line, down the plane of Emma's jaw. Regina pressed kisses all over Emma's pale face, from her cheeks, to her forehead, to her eyelids. Regina's heart thudded against her ribcage like a drum. It beat so hard that the brunette was sure the blonde could hear it. It was beating so hard, in fact, that Regina almost didn't hear Emma's confession. "I love you, Regina. And I promise that I'll never do something like that again."
Regina's gaze suddenly flew back to Emma's eyes. She found her breath taken away by the sincerity and the beauty that she saw there.
"What happens now?" Emma asked softly. "What do we do? I...I don't want to hurt Killian."
"And I don't want to hurt Robin," Regina spoke in reply, "But I think we owe it to ourselves to see where this goes. I don't think I can stand the thought of you with the pirate."
"Okay," Emma nodded. "I'll end it with Hook."
"And I'll end things with Robin."
Regina's brow furrowed as Emma let out another sob. "Emma, what's wrong?"
"I honestly never thought that you could feel the same way," Emma said as another sob escaped. "That's yet another reasoned I resigned myself to die. It's because I couldn't handle the unrequited love I had for you. I thought that there was no way that you could ever return it. After all, how could someone like you possibly love someone like me? I'm not worthy of your love."
"God, Emma," Regina said with a broken sob. "How can you even think that? You're not just the savior, you're my savior. You took my broken pieces, and put them back together. It's because of you, I was able to love again. I only wish that you had told me how you felt sooner. I feel like we wasted so much time!"
"We'll find a way to make up for lost time," Emma told her softly. "I promise."
A/N: That's as close to a happy ending as we're going to get for now! I haven't decided if I'm going to add to it or not, but I'll mark it as complete for now!