"Rakia is smooth as vell as strong!"
"Nothing compares to firewhiskey!"
Hermione shook her head and walked into the kitchen at the Burrow.
"Are they still at it, dear?"
"Yes, Molly, they are."
"I do hope they aren't drinking anything from the sideboard, though. I think George got into it."
Hermione's eyes widened. "Oh, no!" She ran back into the room, dismayed when she saw the open decanter on the sideboard. She tried to stop the men but realized it was useless when she saw Viktor and Ron still yelling, both of them emitting sparks.
"She loves me!"
"Maybe, but not as a vife should. She loves me!"
"You're a bloody moron, Krum!"
"You are a jealous idiot, Veasley!"
"I could beat you at anything!"
"Ha!"
"I mean it!"
"Fine, Veasley. Vinner gets to ask Nin to marry."
Hermione looked at Molly, who rolled her eyes. "This is not going to end well, dear. Bill won't be pleased."
"If they haven't figured out I'm mated to Bill, they deserve whatever they get."
"Shall we have some fun, dear?"
Hermione looked at Molly, who had a gleam in her eye that could put George and Fred to shame. She nodded.
"Ron, dear, it is time to de-gnome the garden!"
"Ha! I bet I can beat you at tossing gnomes!"
"Done!"
The minute their words finished sounding through the air, a large crack was heard and both men disappeared.
Molly and Hermione ran to the back door, watching the idiots throwing gnomes as hard as they could.
"Molly, why are those gnomes disappearing in a flash of colored light?" asked Hermione.
"I don't know, dear."
Just then, Rita Skeeter's sickly sweet voice rang through the air. "Breaking news, beloved singer Celestina Warbeck was seen leaving a room in the Leaky Cauldron with a certain red-haired Ministry department head... I wonder if this will mean the end of her trouble having a baby!"
Hermione managed to catch Molly before she hit the ground. She levitated the fallen witch over to a sofa and ran to get her some tea.
"Molly, I'm sure it isn't true. I don't believe Arthur would cheat on you," said Hermione.
"Oh, Hermione, but it is Celestina Warbeck! What have I got compared to her?"
"It was Rita Skeeter! I wouldn't believe anything she says, unless I administered the Veritaserum myself. Didn't you get your Witch Weekly this morning? Maybe you should read that."
Molly nodded, and reached for the paper, but to the horror of both witches, the cover story showed Arthur and Celestina Warbeck exiting a room at the Leaky Cauldron. It was nothing more than yellow journalism, Rita's stamp all over it, even if she wasn't the writer.
Before Hermione could do anything, Molly had run over to the floo, grabbed some powder and threw it into the flames, yelling something Hermione didn't quite catch.
Oh, dear! I better go and get some help, I need to get to Gringotts. Bill will want to know about this as soon as possible.
She ran outside to get the idiots, who were still flinging gnomes.
"I-I-I am better at this than you are!" panted Ron.
"Bah!"
Hermione shook her head again. There was no way to get through to the two drunken, testosterone-laden idiots. I really wonder where those gnomes are going. And what's with the colors?
Hermione Apparated to the apparation point to the left of the front steps of Gringotts. She heard a commotion and looked up, only to see a veritable shower of oddly colored Pygmy pufflings. It couldn't be, could it?
She entered the bank and asked the door-goblin if she could speak to her mate. She bowed low and sat to wait without getting an answer.
The goblin nodded in approval then sent off a flying memo to Bill Weasley.
"Hermione, love, what is it?"
"It's been a day, Bill. Remember that day that Fleur found her mate and disappeared?"
Bill grinned, he had been hurt, but there wasn't much that could be done against Veela mating magic, and that whole incident had taken him straight to Hermione's door. "Of course I do, darlin'. Why do you bring it up? They aren't going at it in the shed again, are they?"
"No, Bill. But I think today is even worse. Ron and Viktor got drunk on something George tampered with and are currently throwing gnomes in order to determine who is going to propose to me, there is an article in Witch Weekly implying your father is having an affair with Celestina Warbeck, and Rita did a wireless item on it, and I think there is some sort of magical vortex over the Burrow transfiguring those gnomes into pufflings that are currently raining over Diagon Alley!"
Bill stared at his wife, attempting to process everything thing she had just said, then shook his head. "Is Mum all right?"
"She fainted, then after I revived her she yelled into the Floo and stomped off."
"Let's go see if Dad is in his office. And maybe send a Patronus to George about these gnome-puffs."
Bill strode over to the Floo, and called out "Deputy Minister of Magic's office, family emergency!"
The Floo shone green and Bill and Hermione walked through. They arrived into a war zone.
"Molly-wob-"
"Don't you Molly-wobbles me, Arthur Weasley!"
"Please, love!"
"No! You promised not to ever embarrass me. Ever! I've given you seven children, what more do you want!"
"I wanted to surprise you, woman!"
"What?"
"We are having our thirty-fifth anniversary this year. Thirty-five. Five sevens. Don't you think you deserve to have the entertainment at the party be your favorite singer?"
"Oh, Arthur!"
Bill turned to Hermione, "I guess we aren't needed here, love."
"No, I guess not. Should we head to WWW?"
"Yes."
George looked up from the counter when the bell rang. "What is going on?"
"Didn't you see the multi-colored gnome-puffs falling from the sky?" asked an exasperated Hermione.
"Gnome-puffs-It worked!"
"What do you mean 'it worked', George?" asked Bill.
"Oh, since Mum has us flinging gnomes so often, I thought I would set it up to transfigure them directly and have them sent to the shop. I guess I didn't calculate the way they would get here. They aren't on the ground, right? So they must be in the back."
Hermione and Bill followed George to the back to see a huge and growing pile of gnome-puffs.
"I wonder why there are so many," said George, looking at the huge pile of multi-colored puffskeins.
Bill laughed, and Hermione gave an exasperated huff.
George raised an eyebrow at her.
"Fine. Your idiot youngest brother and Viktor Krum are in a gnome-flinging contest to see who gets to propose to me."
George fell down he was trying so hard not to laugh. "I take it they were drinking from the carafe on the sideboard?"
"Yes, you idiot. Is it dangerous?"
"Nah. They will stop being so completely sure of themselves in about two hours."
"That would be right around now," she said.
Bill grinned. "It might be a good idea to head to the Burrow, then. I want to hear this proposal."
Bill never did get to hear any proposal. When Ron and Viktor realized that Bill was holding Hermione's hand possessively and that his eyes went a bit golden when they tried to approach her, both of them ran off to parts unknown.
Well, Ron ran to Lavender and Viktor ended up in the Lovegood's garden, but that is another story entirely.
Many thanks to Kyria of Delphi for the alpha, Rose of the West for the beta, and MuseAmusant for the prompts.
2. An unfortunate mix of alcohol and accidental magic results in Viktor Krum and Ron Weasley being forced to compete against each other in a gnome-tossing competition for Hermione Granger's hand in marriage. *Snickers*
2a. An argument about the merits of Bulgarian rakia as compared to British firewhiskey has surprising consequences.
3. Many strange things have rained down from the skies over the years-from fish to amphibians-but the witches and wizards dashing out for lunch in downtown London one afternoon are rather nonplussed to find themselves caught in a shower of rainbow-coloured pufflings.
4. Molly Weasley is devastated when a story alleging an affair between her favorite singer, Celestina Warbeck, and her beloved Arthur makes the gossip column of Witch Weekly.