Question: What if, by the powers of some supernatural force, Cuddy and House were to switch bodies?
Answer: Craziness would ensue.
I nicked this idea from an Australian movie called 'Dating the Enemy.' I wanted to write something completely different, but I haven't done my research, so I'm not sure if there already exists a House MD fanfic where any of the characters switch bodies. If there is, can someone let me know, cos I don't want to flog a dead horse.
Walk in My Shoes
1
Once in a Blue Moon
House forces his weight onto the ostentatious doors of the hospital administrator's office, swinging them open casually and striding into the room, well aware of, but seemingly oblivious to the impending lecture.
'Get out!' Cuddy exclaims, hands on her hips.
House's brow is elevated in surprise.
'What, you don't want to berate me first? Not even just a teeny little bit?'
'I cannot see you right now House. I'm absolutely livid!'
'I can tell. You've got that cute little wrinkle above your nose. That, and you look as if you're about to bare your teeth and skink them into my neck. It's a blue moon tonight, isn't that a ceremonious event for you vampires?'
'Because of you,' she says sternly, ignoring his comment and pointing her finger at him like a loaded gun.
He rolls his eyes.
'Here we go,' he says, 'you couldn't resist, could you?'
'Because of you,' she continues in her hardest voice, 'I have been trapped in this hospital for fifty-two hours!'
'Needed to make sure my patient stayed put,' he says matter-of-factly.
'Yeah, well you got your way,' Cuddy replies, 'he stayed in here alright, and so did all the rest of us!'
'He's alive now,' House counters, 'he wouldn't have been if he had walked through that door.'
'You caused an imaginary outbreak of SARS so that you could have the hospital quarantined and locked down!' she shouts.
'Stop shouting,' he says, 'you're turning me on… and you don't want to see what happens when I'm horny. Or then again, maybe you do!'
He eyes her unconvincing businesswoman attire. She wears black. An impossibly tight pencil shirt and matching jacket. No blouse underneath, apparently she's going for the peekaboo lingerie look. Tied around her delicate neck is a silk, leopard print scarf – just a hint at her naughty side. He can't help imagining that she is wearing a matching leopard print bra and panties. Fantastic. What better outfit to wear for fifty-two consecutive hours in a quarantine lock-down, he thinks. He considers putting this to her when her voice interrupts his train of thought.
'Do you have any idea how much money your little escapade has cost this hospital?'
'At least it gave the guys in the suits some practice. Think of it as the equivalent to a fire drill.'
'You really do have an inflated sense of grandeur House. You need to get over yourself, and realise that world is full of other people. Its people like me who have to cop the flack for your ludicrous behaviour, while you get of Scot free!'
He stands in front of her, displaying a bored expression.
She takes a deep breath.
'Well maybe not this time,' she says.
'What?' he demands, suddenly becoming very interested in the conversation.
'We will discuss the terms of your employment tomorrow,' she says gravely.
'You can't fire me!' he shouts, 'I have tenure.'
'I'm sure we can find some sort of loophole in the contract.'
His eyes widen. She is serious.
'Wha…bu…?' he starts.
She is surprised to see the Dr House wordless and wit free.
'Christ!' she says, feeling bad, trying to offer an explanation, 'you've done some incredibly stupid things House, but this… this is takes the cake! You're really leaving me with no choice.'
'You do have a choice… I pull my weight around here! Sure, I'm behind in my paper work and clinic duty is more optional than compulsory for me…'
'Do you have any idea of the difficulty of the job of keeping this hospital afloat?' she says, interrupting him.
'I could do it,' he says boldly.
'What!'
'Sure,' he replies, grinning a self-satisfied grin, 'I can really see myself sitting behind that big old desk of yours.'
'There's no way you could handle my job, not when you're used to your current duties. I would love to be you House. You saunter in here at any hour of the morning, have Cameron make you coffee and dote on you, then you perve at her ass for a couple of hours, scribble a few words on the whiteboard, spit a few derogatory comments here and there and leave by four thirty.'
'Ha,' he scoffs, 'I would love to be you! You walk around displaying your perky cleave, sticking your nose in everyone's business…couple of corporate lunches here and there, sucking up for the big bucks, sign a couple of things and trot on home to watch Desperate Housewives.'
She shakes her head angrily.
'I wish you could walk in my shoes for a day,' she says.
'I wish you could walk in my shoes for a day,' he counters, 'although you wouldn't really be walking, you'd be limping, and having to stop and find a resting place every now and then.'
'Oh, yeah, throw the cripple card on the table…' she starts.
'Well what have you got to complain about in that arena, huh? You're able bodied!'
'I guess we'll never see eye to eye,' she admits becoming bored with the argument and snatching her handbag from the desk.
She moves past him to the coat rack on the far side of the room.
'Where are you going?' he demands, striding across the room to meet her.
'I'm going home,' she says exhaustedly, donning her overcoat, 'finally, I need a shower and sleep.'
'No,' he says as she flicks the light switch and pushes through her office door, 'this conversation isn't over, you can't just…'
'Yes,' she says, 'it is over. We will continue it in the morning.'
And with that, she leaves him standing outside her office, the click of her heels echoing in his ears as she disappears down the hall.
………
Outside the hospital, in the brutal ugliness of the cement car park, she shivers as she stares up at the moon.
House was right. A blue moon. The third full moon in a season of four.
It actually has a bluish tinge.
She feels an odd tingle throughout her body.
The atmosphere is surreal. Supernatural, eerie.
She is overcome with the strange feeling that something significant is about to take place.
………
On the opposite side of hospital, in the handicap bay of the cement reserve, as he throws his leg over his bike he experiences a most bizarre sensation.
It is as if there is something crawling under his skin.
His blood runs cold.
He pauses for a second, focusing his attention on this feeling, only to realise that it has passed.
He looks down into his lap to see the alluring moon reflected in the plastic shield of his helmet.
Almost involuntarily, as if he is a string puppet, his head is raised to the luminous sphere.
Radiant, shimmering.
It almost seems to be pulsing.
Foreboding.
He is overcome with the strange feeling that something significant is about to take place.
Wanna see what happens in the next chapter? Cuddy and House will awaken to a surprise.