Hello, you don't know who I am, but that's probably because I never leave my parent's basement.
Before I explain what is going on, I want to give a basic description of myself.
I am 24, 300 pounds of pure sexiness (That's what my various girlfriends tell me, anyways) and I am all around the greatest human being ever to walk this earth. I hate gay people, trans people, and everyone who is smarter than me. So basically, I hate almost everyone. I'm also an ableist, but I view that positively.
I am a member of an elite group, which I would tell you about, but you probably wouldn't know about it.
My name is Gaines Odom.
And I am-
Suddenly, the door opens.
Also, I'm in a warehouse.
In the middle of nowhere.
I don't feel like explaining why.
Because fuck exposition.
A 25 year old former actor enters the room.
He is also a member of this elite group I am in. He was once a very prominent actor before he went batshit insane and started claiming he saw toy people or some shit.
What a f****t, amirite? He also is a druggy now or something. Also he's pale and kind of tall.
His name is Ethan and he's a shithead so we are not going to talk about him anymore.
The next to enter the room was a pair of brothers.
suddenly Gaines layed an egg! "Oh shit!", he exclaimed. A rich looking white man and his younger brother enter the room.
This rich privileged white 90% straight cis white man is Bryan, and the younger one is his brother Peter.
They are both annoying SJW shits and I hate them.
The next person to walk in was Ryan.
Clad in his Cheeto stained suit and his fedora, he walks in giving everyone a gay ass greeting. Then he started complaining about smash or some shit.
Then a dude named Kelvin walked in.
He's an asshole. Because he's not white.
Then this guy named Douglas walked in.
He's not an asshole. Because he's white.
Then this guy named Noah walked in.
He's a Canadian SJW.
And then this guy named Francisco didn't come in. He died of severe constipation. But I don't give a lickitty shit!
Then this dude in a fur suit walked in and let me tell you he was a loser. We always called him Sonic The Hedgehog.. He draws porn for a living.
That was everyone.
Maybe
Who gives a fuck.
They came to return the anal plug I left in the chat before I left. I appreciated the gesture, but fuck those assholes.
Suddenly
Out of fucking nowhere
Nutcrackers surround us
"Holy Shit!" I exclaim
"HOLY FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK, IT'S THE TOY PEOPLE!" Ethan screams before going into cardiac arrest and dying terribly.
Suddenly a fucking sentient anthromorphic Oreo phases through the wall. I shit myself so hard, and the fact that the shit was stuck between my massive flabby sweaty buttcheeks didn't help the smell.
Ryan hasn't noticed it yet, because he's too busy playing as Marth in Smash Bros. 27.
"Fucking DICKWEEDS KEEP DODGING MY TILTS AND NAIRING THE FAIR ON THE 3RD FRAME!" Ryan says
We all take off running for the door, except Ethan because he's dead.
This may seem shocking to you, but I do not have much endurance. After three feet of running, I was exhausted.
I began having a major heat stroke.
I feel something grab my leg.
It's the Oreo.
He rips my leg clean off and beats me with it.
My name is Gaines and I am not the protagonist.
*somewhere else*
"GOD DAMN IT I GOT METEOR MASHED BY A S TIER PLAYING SHITHEAD."
"Shut the fuck up Ryan."
"Brother...are you sure you should be saying such words?"
"Shut the fuck up Peter."
I glance at everyone and notice the chaos amongst our group.
My name is Douglas and I think I am the protagonist.
We had retreated to a random cabin in the woods.
We were freaking the hell out, we had no idea what to do, until Noah suggested we get some of the alcohol that Kelvin brought and drink it.
We drink the alcohol.
Then Kelvin poured alcohol on his dick and started masturbating furiously until his semen coated the entire cabin, blocking out any ghosts, monsters, zombies, or other demonic entities. Heh, I said titties.
Peter slumps over and dies.
"BROTHER!"
"I must take a shit with god. *dies*"
Kelvin laughs maniacally, but dies from exhaustion.
"I put peanuts in all the drinks!"
Kelvin says as he dies from exhaustion.
Everyone is in a panic again, as the semen has lost its effect due to the fact Kelvin is fucking dead.
The Toy People march into the room.
Ryan didn't even see it coming.
He creamed his nerd pants
The Toy People ripped out Ryan's stomach and then beat him to death with his 6DS.
Ryan was dead.
Then the Oreo shanked Noah.
Noah died.
Myself and everyone else who didn't get their shit fucked up leave the room, frantically.
Also, Amy Rose is here now because this is a Sonic Fanfiction.
Amy made a nice cup of tea.
Bryan turns around suddenly as we are running away from the shack.
"I must avenge my brother."
Oreo beats Bryan's rich white privileged ass so hard that he dies from shock.
He did not avenge his brother.
Sonic the Hedgehog, Amy, and myself are the only remaining people left.
We stop to let Amy use the bathroom while Bard watches.
I notice the Toy People right behind us.
Sonic the Hedgehog is too busy fapping to Amy to notice.
Sonic the Hedgehof gets his testicles ripped off by the Oreo.
Sonic the Hedgehog dies
I take Amy and run.
She is still shitting. The shit makes a trail revealing our location. Shit!
This is awkward.
Suddenly, the Toy People and the Oreo have us surrounded. Amy suddenly walks up to Oreo, still shitting.
Amy kisses the Oreo.
"I was working with the Oreo!"
The Toy People lunge at the pair.
They kill Amy.
She shat for the last time at that moment.
The Oreo manages to heal, and fight the Toy People.
I run away.
Really fast.
I threw a peanut at 'em!
I find civilization.
I go to the police.
They laugh at me.
Oreo breaks down the wall next to me.
He is covered in the parts of the Toy People.
The last thing I ever saw was that Oreo.
Because he blinded me
and then I died from serious depression years later
The depression affected my mental and physical health.
These are the last words of Douglas Q.
Goodbye.