It had been months since Angie had been killed. She had worked on the team just under a year, having been highly recommended by Grissom's friend in Chicago. She and Greg became instant friends and their relationship progressed rapidly. Now she was gone.
Greg was a shadow of his former self. The team thought it was the shock of him being the one to find her body and then, being pulled off the case. No one realized that the two were a couple. When the autopsy revealed that she had been three months pregnant, they thought they caught a break, having DNA from the man that killed her. Never was Greg so grateful that he'd always been a "good boy" and his own DNA was not in any system. He, even though heartbroken, still did not want his boss to know. He believed Grissom would disapprove. He underestimated the man, however. For all everyone always saying that Gil was clueless about the living, he was a keen observer and knew immediately about the pair. In his heart, Gil was truly happy for the young man. Still, somehow the eventual union of the two saddened him for reasons he did not want to accept.
Losing Angie and their baby twisted Greg's head. Not even Sofia finding the killer and Grissom putting the nails in the evidentiary coffin brought him any peace. The jury voted that the man be sentenced to death. Angie's parents were there for the execution. The killer did not appeal his sentence. The rest of the team felt some measure of justice, but Greg was left with this gaping hole inside of him which he had to fill but didn't know how.
He went to work every day, trying to put up a brave front. His friends asked him frequently if he was ok, if he needed to talk. He would always give a small, but patented Greg Sanders smile and tell them he was fine. Even Grissom took the time to talk to Greg regularly and try to draw him out a bit, or at least let the man know he had friends he could lean on. Greg found that he was living for those moments when his boss would make time for conversation with him. They were the only time that he felt anything. Grissom watched helplessly, seeing his youngest CSI trying to hide his pain over the past several months, but when his work started to suffer, Gil had to call him into his office.
Getting called to the Grissom's office was usually NOT a good thing. Greg was terrified that he was going to be fired. Of everyone that surrounded him, Grissom was the one that mattered to Greg. He didn't know what he would do without the job and the routines and the proximity of the man he'd idolized for years. Warrick teased him about his worship of Grissom and then told him seriously not to fall for a straight man. Greg had always joked that he was pan-sexual. And his co-workers made their assumptions. Everyone knew he adored his boss and would do anything to please him. Now he had to face him and live through the humiliation. He walked over to the office and hesitated a moment before knocking. He was surprised when a voice called out "Come in Greg".
Greg stood before his boss with his head down. "You wanted to see me sir?
Gil took off his glasses and set them on his desk and sighed. "Sit down Greg", he said addressing him softly, hoping it would set him at ease. It worked a bit. Greg looked up at Grissom for a second and took the nearest seat. Gil got up and took the seat next to Greg. He thought for a moment or two before speaking. He didn't want to make Greg feel worse than he already did.
"Greg, we have a problem."
"It's about the scene today. Sir I'm sorry I…"
"Greg, listen to me please. Yes, what happened at the scene today is a problem, but it isn't "the" problem. What I'm talking about is your health and well-being. Both are circling the drain. You haven't taken any time to grieve the loss of your family."
Greg's head snapped up at Grissom's words. He knew! How? Oh God. He was starting to panic when Gil laid a hand on his arm and told him to take a few deep breaths. Greg complied, suddenly feeling light-headed.
"Yes, I know. I've known since the beginning. It's ok. It's not wrong and you aren't in any trouble. You've suffered a great loss and just kept working. Now it's taking its toll. You need a break. You are officially on vacation for the next two weeks." Seeing the young man about to protest, he continued. "Greg, this is not a punishment. You need some help. During your time off, I want you to see someone. It's not mandatory, but I would feel better if you did." The tone in Grissom's voice told Greg he really didn't have a choice.
"But what am I gonna do?" Greg blurted out without thinking. Gil smiled warmly at him. "I want you to talk to some of your friends. Spend a night or two out. Try to have a little fun. I want you to get some rest too. I want you on my team, but you have to be 100. You have to give me what I know you're capable of. If you need to, you're welcome to stop by my house when I'm home. I know no one else knows. I…you have people around that care about you. You can talk to me. I won't judge you."
Greg looked at the older man and got lost in his eyes. He saw true concern there. He knew Grissom would not extend such an invitation if he didn't mean it. Grissom handed Greg a key. "I have a spare room. If you need to just not be alone in your apartment, come over. You have a place. OK?"
Greg nodded and gave the first genuine smile he'd had in weeks.
"Now, go home," he said gruffly, dismissing Sanders.
Greg left the office feeling somewhat lighter than when he entered. For Gil's part, he let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding, relieved that he didn't make a mess of things.
Moments later, Grissom was in the bathroom, being sick and not understanding why.
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The case the team was currently working on was exceptionally disturbing to Gil. Even after their job was done, the images stayed in his head. Nothing helped make them go away. There weren't enough roller-coasters in the world to erase the faces he saw in his sleep. When he felt this dark, there was only one place he could go. Somewhere that was all about control, obedience and sensation. His strained relationship with Lady Heather precluded him from seeking the solace of the Dominion, but Miss Veronica's Lair was safe for him to go, and so he dressed and set out for the Lair, hoping to replace images with sensations, sadness with intense role-play. Tonight was going to be all about an anonymous struggle for dominance with someone he could walk away from afterwards.
The Lair had a weekly meet and greet night. People of all sizes, shapes, ethnicities and backgrounds that came together to indulge in need and fantasy. Women were not on his list lately, since the blow-up he had with Sara in the lab. When they got together, Gil was happy and hopeful that the relationship would work out. The only thing he asked of her was that they keep it out of work, lest they be found out by Ecklie, or anyone higher up.
It worked for a while, but the day came where the disagreement they'd at home had turned into a full-fledged argument in the lab, complete with Sara screaming at him. Ecklie had been talking with Catherine and Nick in the hall and the three of them heard the whole thing. Gil stood there, just blinking. He was mortified and beyond hurt that Sara couldn't do the one thing he asked. He was sure that he would end up being fired, or at least would have to endure an unending lecture from his boss about workplace relationships with subordinates. He was unable to respond to her shouting. Suddenly, she stopped, realizing that she had crossed the line. She looked around and saw the small crowd gathered around them. Gil just walked into his office. Ecklie followed him into his office and shut the door.
"Uh, Gil? Everything ok?"
Grissom sighed. "Yes Conrad." He answered meekly.
Ecklie, for whatever reason, had a moment of humanity and said "Ok. Just…handle your business", and walked out. Grissom thanked whatever deity for sparing him the world of trouble he thought he'd have to endure. When he got home that night, he called Sara and told her he couldn't continue a relationship with her. His need for privacy and controlled situations was just too great. Sara couldn't make the separation between work and personal. She took the news stoically, refusing to cry.
Gil decided at that moment that love was something he just couldn't have. It was too messy. He didn't know how to deal with the emotions of others and he kept a too-tight rein on his own. After a month or so, things got back to somewhat normal, except that he dreaded run-ins with Sara. He did his best to see that she worked with others. Every time there was any kind of friction between them, within minutes he was in the bathroom, his stomach protesting the stress by emptying its contents. Greg and Warrick started noticing the pattern and felt sorry for their boss, knowing that he just did not know how to deal with what he felt. Finally, Warrick talked to Catherine, asking if he could switch shifts with Sara and he told his supervisor why. Catherine, ever sympathetic, made up a believable lie and went to Sara and the change was made without Grissom's knowledge. When he found out, he was relieved but annoyed at being bypassed in the decision. He approached Warrick, knowing that he would get the truth from the man.
"Rick, I need a word"
"Oh hey Gris. How's your stomach feeling?"
Grissom paled for a moment. He honestly didn't believe anyone paid that close attention to him beyond the scope of the job.
"I'm fine," he replied hastily. "I want to know why you decided to transfer, and why you didn't speak with me about it."
"Truth?"
"Yes, please."
They stepped into his office and closed the door. Warrick knew his boss hated drawing attention to himself. This wasn't going to be easy.
"Can I get away with saying I think I know why you've been getting sick and I see Sara struggling and I thought this would help? Besides, I wanna keep an eye on Greg. He's been even more withdrawn, if that's even possible."
Grissom took a few moments to think about the answer he'd been given. He decided that he was satisfied. Besides, if he said anything else about the situation, Warrick would start asking questions he didn't want to answer.
"OK"
"OK? That's it?
"Yes."
"Man, you gotta learn how to let go. You're pissed off. I can see it. Yet you won't say another word because it might make someone focus on you, make sure you're ok, the way you do for all of us. You're afraid I'm gonna ask you about Sara. I won't. It isn't my business. If you wanted to talk, you would. I respect that. I don't know who to be more worried about though, you or Greg. Gris, you've been on edge for months. Since you got back. As a friend, I gotta tell ya - do something to let go of all that stuff you keep bottled up. I wouldn't be surprised if you have an ulcer."
"OK"
Warrick just shook his head and left the office. He knew that Grissom would think about what he'd said. And think and think. He smiled a little as he walked away. He felt he got off easy.
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Greg had taken the words of his boss to heart. He decided he would call one of his old party buddies and hit a club. It had been so long since he'd done this. He was a little nervous. His friend wasn't exactly known for his puritan ways.. Greg had no idea where he would end up. He spiked his hair the way he used to and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He could see how tired he looked, but he thought he still looked good. Maybe a one-night stand was what he needed, he mused. He tossed back a shot, grabbed his keys and left his apartment, thinking "Let's see what fortune brings."
One scary cab ride later, he and Josh found themselves outside of a darkly elegant mini-mansion. It was clearly a business, but Greg found himself fascinated by the architecture.
Josh just laughed and dragged him inside.