Zayn's heart was pumping to the beat. The bass on the verge of ear-shattering and the hundreds of writhing bodies making the club pulsate with life. He had spent too much off this week conscious, really conscious, and all he wanted to do by now was stop thinking about all his issues that plagued his life. All he wanted to do now was to stop giving a shit. So he moved mindlessly, letting his instincts do all the work and his inner fears lean back. He did not care about the lack of personal space on the dance floor and the bodies grinding into him. He did not care about the girl trying to get his attention with her more than low-cut dress and the fake pout she had put on. Why was she bothering him? He was not interested. He did not care about the reason he wasn't interested in her, or all the dozen other girls on this dance floor that were exactly like her. For once in a long time, he simply did not care.
He decided his buzz had worn off too much with all this physical exercise and slowed down in his movements, until his head was the only part of him connecting him to the pretentious mainstream pop. Bobbing to the beat. Bobbing, bobbing, bobbing. He turned on the spot, his eyes scanning the room. Which way was the bar? He had lost track.
He tried elbowing his way through the jumping, spinning, shouting crowd, which wasn't easy, but manageable. When he had finally reached it, he shouted his drink order and waited. Bobbing, bobbing, bobbing.
"Zayn! Oi, Zayn! What are you doing here?"
He was ripped out of his reverie by the sound of his name and resurfaced just enough to realize someone had come up on his right and was now looking at him expectantly.
"Harry." One of his mates. If you could even still call it that. "Hey, man."
Zayn tried snapping out of his world of oblivion, if only to the degree that his distress could be blamed on the alcohol, which he really had not consumed that much of. But it had been just enough for his mask of indifference, which was slowly becoming permanent when he was in public, to be harder to pull off. He hoped the other would not notice.
"If you'd told us you would be here tonight, we could've taken you with us."
"It was...sort of a spur of the moment thing.", he said, not meeting his peer's eyes.
He felt guilty for withdrawing himself from the rest of the world and especially his former friends. In the last months he had deliberately stopped making plans with them, and now only saw them in school. But even then did he not really have a lot to do with them anymore. In the beginning he had found it easier to just be in their proximity, in the safety of the group, but not talk about his problems, or anything, really. He had only been trailing along, but at least he had tried. Then came the day when he could not stand it any longer. When all he could see when he was with them were their disgusted faces if he so much as slipped up. He would not be able to handle the shunning, so he found it wiser to spare them the knowledge and himself the pain of rejection from his mates. He knew it wasn't an ideal solution, and that they might even be worried about him. But it was for the better. It was safe. He couldn't let them know.
"Okay...well, hit us up some time, Zayn. It's been a while."
His friend sounded sincere, but also disappointed. He might genuinely miss him. Harry was more on the caring side. And Zayn knew Harry had tried to get through to him before. And again and again. But Zayn had shut him out, and now he seemed to finally give in. Zayn wasn't sure if he should be relieved or desolated. Probably both. But all he really felt was numbness.
Soon he was left alone again. And yet that had been the longest conversation he'd had in a while. He couldn't believe what he had become, but here he was and it was best that way. Now that he knew, there was no going back.
And just as the bartender was handing him his vodka, anything less potent wouldn't do, he spotted the reason for his misery out of the corner of his eyes. Out of all the people in this club he could still make out this particular boy, and he would always be able to, by his mop of blond hair.
His heart started racing and his hands got sweaty, even though he wanted nothing more than to suppress these...feelings. He had feelings for a boy. And that was what killed him inside. It wasn't that he found the idea disgusting, or that he was afraid of being in love. No, it actually felt exactly right. But the thing that he was scared of more than anything was that someone would find out about it, and expose him to his parents. His father wasn't exactly very caring as it was, and very traditional when it came to things like that. He would probably disown him and throw him out of the house, but not before beating him to a pulp. Yeah, he was that kind of a father.
So he decided to simply hide it...hide himself. In order to keep himself safe. And it wasn't as if he had any sort of chance with this boy, so why ruin everything over a bit of infatuation. But it wasn't as easy as that, and no matter how many times he tried to convince himself, it wasn't just 'a bit of infatuation'. This boy...Niall, he was everything to him, even though he didn't even really know him at all. He simply loved him. And there was no changing that.
He only realized he had been staring, when Niall's friend poked the boy and gestured in Zayn's direction. He wanted to drop his gaze, and turn around and walk away as if nothing had happened at all, but he was frozen to the spot with anticipation. When Niall's wonderful, beautiful blue eyes connected with his, he could feel himself falling and rising above the ground simultaneously, and suddenly the other's didn't exist anymore. All that was left in Zayn's eyes was Niall, and he could feel himself smiling for what could possibly be the first time in months, when he saw the deep red shadows crawling onto the boy's cheeks. But then he broke the gaze. And Zayn was left alone and empty again. And feeling like the biggest fool in the world.
Obviously his staring had made Niall feel uncomfortable. And rightly so. He remembered the drink in his left hand, and quickly downed it all. He needed another.
After three more shots of high percentage alcohol, he could feel his worries leave him again and made his way back to the dance floor to dance away all the energy that had suddenly befallen him. He had not felt that careless all month, so he spun around to the music, not caring how he looked or what others would think of him. He was too far gone to care about that, anymore.
He didn't hear someone approach him over the music, but when he suddenly felt a hand on his left bicep, he spun around and saw that kid that was friends with Niall grin at him, in a way that was almost maniacal.
"Hey, I'm Louis. Your name is Zayn, right?" But he didn't even let him reply, and just as Zayn was thinking that it might be best to just turn around and walk away, Louis grabbed something, pulled Niall from behind his back and practically pushed him into Zayn's arms. "Haaaave you met Niall?"
The situation was so weird, that it took Zayn a few seconds to recognize the How I Met Your Mother reference, which really should have been a bit easier, as he loved that show. He looked at the boy that had captured his heart, who was standing there looking awkwardly to the ground – he was just the most adorable thing – until a laugh escaped Zayn's lips and he felt his heart skip a beat.
"Actually I have met Niall before, but thank you for invading my personal space.", he said with a cheeky grin on his face. It was probably due to the alcohol. He wasn't in his right mind.
The blond boy visibly relaxed in his stature and glanced up at the other with wide eyes. "...You remember?"
"You helped me in my time of need, of course I remember! How could I forget the bloke that lend me his pen in an exam? I would have been fucked without you, mate.", he said, his voice softer than he'd like to admit.
That had been the first time Zayn had actually, consciously seen the blond. And after that incident he had suddenly popped up everywhere he went. Soon he couldn't help but notice him every time he crossed him in the hall, or on the street, or in shops. And slowly, Niall had started creeping into his mind when he was alone or zoning out, as well.
"It was only a pen. It was nothing.", Niall said in a flustered tone, just loud enough to be audible over the music.
Zayn hadn't noticed Niall's friend beaming next to them, until he piped up to announce that he'd be off to the loo for a bit, and that they shouldn't wait up for him. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
"Is he always like that?", the taller boy said with a smirk, gluing his eyes back on his crush.
"Yeah, pretty much..."
It was too loud in the room to lead a conversation, and that's what he had wanted to do with this person for such a long time and he knew he would never forgive himself if he didn't use this opportunity. So he grabbed all the courage that was left in him and asked, "Would you like to go get some fresh air?"
As Niall nodded his approval of that proposition, they made their way through the crowd, in which they had been standing completely motionless. That must have looked weird. Even out the door it was still loud from the people waiting in line, and the general noise from the party going on. So with a silent agreement they walked around the club and sat down on the pavement just on the far side of the building. It wasn't as noisy, and more secluded, but still not too far gone. It was a safe place to be.
Feeling a sudden urge to calm his nerves that where sparking up from the close proximity in which they were sitting – not yet touching, but only just – Zayn reached into his trousers and pulled out a cigarette case and a lighter.
"Do you mind?", he said, in a soft voice, as the other seemed to have drifted off a bit and the last thing he'd want to do was startle him.
Niall looked up and down between Zayn's eyes and his mouth and replied, "Oh. No, go ahead."
As he took the fag out of the case and put it against his lips, a small, crooked grin was gracing his face. It was weird, how comfortable, and yet uncomfortable he felt in that exact moment.
"Actually", he was surprised by the determined tone from the shorter boy, "Could I...maybe, you know, try? I never have."
He chuckled, and held the lighter against the end of the cigarette, taking one long drag from it to get it going, before he carefully handed it to the one beside him. Niall took it hesitantly and awkwardly, his determination now apparently having decreased by a whole lot, and gave one long look into Zayn's eyes, before he took it into his mouth. The other was watching him closely, not being able to stop himself from thinking how incredibly, well, hot the usually cute boy looked, as Niall took a long and deep drag and immediately jerked away. He started coughing heavily and in his haste, threw the still lit cigarette to the ground.
Zayn burst out laughing as hard as he hadn't done for what seemed like years. Now that he was here with Niall, he finally felt like himself again. Seeing the despair in the blond boy's eyes, he wrapped his arm around his back to soothingly rub his upper arm, and inevitably leaned in quite a bit more while doing that. They were touching. He was holding him. Zayn could feel his heart rate pick up considerably, and it felt like something was bubbling under his skin, where he was touching Niall, but it was the good kind of bubbling, so he leaned in just a bit closer. Niall groaned and nuzzled his face into Zayn's chest, letting out another, specifically loud groan.
"Hey, are you alright, mate?", Zayn smirked, giddy from the attention he got from his crush
"That was bloody disgusting! Why would people actually pay for that crap?", Niall complained into Zayn's top, but not moving away from him.
"That...is a very good question. But, like, it's okay you didn't like it. No pressure here."
Zayn enclosed Niall a bit more in his arms and rested his chin on the blond mop of hair. He couldn't believe this was actually happening. And maybe it wasn't and someone had just put something in his drink and he would wake up in some creepy old man's basement tied to a table, or something. Because this was just too good to be true, and exactly what he had been longing for for so long now. No, not longing, yearning. And he yearned for more of the boy even now while they were...what was it that they were doing? It felt better than anything he had ever done before, because it was Niall he was doing it with. But the only reasonable explanation for it would be that they both had too much to drink tonight, because you couldn't actually feel that comfortable around someone you didn't even truly know.
That was when Niall started moving away, slowly, as if in daze, and out of the taller boy's arms. He glanced at Zayn's face until he started blushing like mad and fixed his eyes on the ground below them.
"Oh god, your cigarette! I just threw it away. I am so sorry.", he said apologetically.
"That's alright. I was trying to stop anyway.", Zayn said as he was still staring at Niall's face, that he honestly couldn't get enough of. He only realized he had actually been grinning, when Niall asked him something he hadn't anticipated, and his muscles quickly fell.
"You seem so carefree right now, why are you never like that in school?"
"Who says I'm not?"
"Zayn, I know you aren't. I had always seen you hanging around with your friends and being just a normal teenager before, but...I don't know...it seemed like you've gotten very distant, lately." Zayn didn't know what to say to that. It was true, yes, but he'd always avoided this confrontation and now he was having it with Niall, who he had been convinced wouldn't even have noticed him in the slightest. And foremost he didn't know what to tell Niall, despite how much he actually felt the need to confine in him. It was silly, but he wanted to get it all out, and just unburden himself, and he wanted it to be with Niall, but obviously he couldn't tell him the truth, and lying wouldn't do either, and...
"I'm really sorry. I know it wasn't my place to ask. I don't know what's gotten into me, today."
And as Zayn saw Niall get up from the pavement, ready to walk away, he had to do something...anything to prevent him from leaving Zayn all alone all over again. "Wait!" He grabbed the other's wrist and tried pulling him back softly. As Niall was sitting down again and looked at him expectantly, he turned his gaze to avoid those blue eyes.
"Erm, it's just, like, personal issues...you could say."
"yeah, I'd figured that.", he said with a small chuckle, and only leaned in closer.
"See, it's my father...he's a right prick. And he's very conservative, and, I, like, found myself disagreeing with him on some matters. But I haven't told him about that. Because I can't, I have to be there for my sisters and my mum. And, I guess, I feel like I can't be myself at home anymore." he mumbled to his hands, that he was fiddling with in his lap. He knew that what he said didn't actually make a lot of sense, but he hoped that would be enough of an answer for him. But it wasn't.
"But, why would you shut yourself off from your friends because of that? They still care about you, don't they?"
Zayn sighed deeply. He didn't know how to phrase this without revealing too much, and yet giving away enough that it would still be the truth.
"I guess, those things...I can't really tell my friends about them either. And so I've, like, disclosed myself a bit?" The last part came out as more of a question, partially because Zayn wasn't even exactly sure why he had felt the need to hide all that from his friends, and also because he didn't know if the answer he had given was enough. He really didn't want to talk about it. Not with Niall. There was too much at stake here.
"Hm, okay. You could tell me, though...if you'd like." Zayn didn't reply "Okay, then, I'll tell you some of my problems first, and then we will get back to yours, okay?"
Zayn couldn't believe Niall was actually that caring. Or he could, because that was the reason why he had fallen for Niall so hard, because he was sweet and just...good. But he couldn't believe he'd care that much about Zayn's problems, as usually, everyone just ended giving up on him after a while. He replied "okay" to that proposition, and leaned closer to Niall, until their shoulders were pressed together.
"So.", Niall started off. "I don't know if you can tell, as I might have just had a drink too much tonight, but I'm usually really shy. Like, really shy. And so, I've never, like, had a proper girlfriend or anything like that. And so I think some people think I'm a bit of a freak.", he confessed earnestly.
"Why would anyone think you're a freak?" The idea seemed utterly bizarre to Zayn.
"I don't know, because I'm just...barely talking to people, and sometimes prefer the company of my guitar to that of another human being..."
"There's nothing wrong with preferring to be on your own once in a while. It's just called being an introvert. Like, half the population of the earth are." To be honest, Zayn was quite introverted himself, and always had been. That had nothing to do with his current situation. And so he could understand where the other guy was coming from.
"Okay, so what's the reason you feel so alone, Zayn?"
"Not yet.", he replied under his breath. He wanted to listen to Niall talk for just a little bit longer, before he would lose him for ever.
Niall looked at his face closely, like he was trying to decipher Zayn's thoughts, and find whatever he had kept hidden behind his eyes. Zayn watched Niall just as closely, as he tried to imprint every detail of that soft, roundly face into his mind.
"Mhm. If I tell you something big, will you promise to tell me your secret, then? ...and also not to give out my information to anyone else, not even Louis?"
Zayn's heart beat picked up again. Niall would tell him something he hadn't told anyone before. It would be their secret, no matter what happened afterwards. He just nodded at the smaller boy, and watched his every inch of his face closely.
"You remember how I just told you that I've never had a girlfriend?", Niall had begun to whisper, as if even the wind could overhear. He was looking down at the ground again, as he spoke. "I think I might not even want one. A girlfriend...do you know what I mean?"
Zayn was trying to process the information, but it didn't make sense to him yet. Because it sounded like Niall was telling him that he was...interested in not-girls. But that couldn't possibly be.
"I mean, that I think I might...like boys. In the way that other blokes like girls."
It still hadn't clicked in Zayn's mind, so he just looked at him with furrowed brows, trying to make sense of it all. The blond boy's eyes widened, as he hastily stumbled out an "Oh god. Oh god, I've made it awkward haven't I? I am so sorry." Zayn saw Niall burrow his face in his hands when he realized that Niall thought Zayn wasn't okay with it. That he thought he was disgusted by him and his confession.
"Hey, no! No awkwardness. No pressure. Right?", he tried to comfort him helplessly, because he honestly had no idea how else to. When the other boy still didn't move, he blurted out the most reckless thing he had probably said until that day, in a very desperate attempt to make the boy less ashamed of himself.
"So, if you're not sure, let's try it!"
Niall's head snapped up and he stared at him with incredulous, wide eyes and a dropped jaw. "You? Seriously?"
"No! I mean...erm. Yeah...I, like...I'm, like, not sure too, you know, and..."
"okay."
Zayn had been so caught up in rambling and trying to get his point across, that he was completely lost by now. "okay what?" The corners of Niall's mouth jerked up a bit as he gave Zayn an awkward smile, and slowly moved closer towards the taller boy until their sides were pressed together entirely. "Oh."
By now Zayn's mind was starting to be foggy and he couldn't grasp one proper thought except for how Niall's face was inching closer to his steadily, and how long he'd been dreaming about this, and how he had never seen anything more beautiful than Niall in his entire life. When their faces were only inches apart, and they could feel the other's breath on their faces, his heart was jumping in his chest. They remained like that for a moment or two, slowly letting the feeling sink in, the anticipation that was almost unbearable. And then Zayn wouldn't be able to hold himself back any longer if it was to save his life, and he closed his eyes and the distance to the other boy and brushed his lips carefully, slowly, softly against Niall's. He felt warm and soft, but not too soft, against him, as they applied just the tiniest amount of pressure. And it was a sweet kiss, as sweet as Niall was, as sweet as Zayn's love for Niall has always been. They broke apart, panting slightly even though they really had no reason to, but remained close to each other. As Zayn opened his eyes again, he was shocked by how close those blue orbs of Niall's were, as close as he had never thought possible, and as he lost himself in them, he felt more like himself than he ever had before.
"And?", he asked in a whisper, not breaking the gaze, as he was afraid to break the magic.
"Yeah, I think there was definitely something there.", Niall replied cheekily and pressed his mouth back onto Zayn's, who gave a small yelp of surprise. This kiss was heavier than before, and the force behind Niall's lips surprised him, even though it really wasn't that much. It had just come unanticipated. By now, Zayn didn't really have a lot of restrain left, as he had done exactly that for too long now and had given up too much in his own fear. He moved his hand towards the back of Niall's neck, so he could deepen the kiss and tilted his head to the left to gain better access. And as their lips moved together in a rush, it spoke of longing and pure need for the other person to be closer. Zayn had kissed countless girls before, but never had it been anything close to this. This was...right.
As he felt Niall nibble on his lower lip, he thought that maybe he had slightly misjudged him all along, as his everyday sweetness changed into need and Niall changed from an adorable boy to a desirable man, in Zayn's eyes. Frankly, he had never been this turned on by someone. He moved his tongue along Niall's lower lip, and was immediately granted access. They hadn't even realized how much closer they had moved, but now their entire bodies were pressed up against each other and hands were exploring each other's bodies and searching for places they hadn't touched yet as they kept kissing and their tongues kept moving alongside one another.
They eventually broke apart for air, but only just so, as the last thing they wanted was to lose the other's body against theirs. Their foreheads were leaning together for mutual support and their noses kept brushing each other, as they panted.
"I really like you, Niall."
"...I really like you, too."
First time I actually wrote out a kissing scene. it might seem a bit awkward, but I prefer keeping it as vague as possible.
yeah, I have found myself shipping these two A LOT! They would just be the definition of adorable, and I have developed many feels for them. Originally this was only supposed to be a 'writing exercise', since I have to learn to write out scenes more, but I like how it turned out, so here you go! (also I tried including the others in here as well, and Liam was the bartender. I didn't actually say it in here, since I didn't want to distract from Zayn's inner turmoil, but yeah. They're all there. I didn't forget anyone)
I'm still working on the second Chapter for Press Junk and Publicity Stunts. It will come. Soon.
- Philomena xx