Why hello everyone. The story that lies before you is a bit of a ramble. I wanted to exercise in writing in first person point of view. So, yeah. It's a one shot. It's AkuRoku of course. C: I read a doujinshi in which Axel and Roxas vaguely touched on the idea of having a heart, and obtaining it through sheer willpower and the want to care for another. So, it inspired this c: I know Roxas is already an anomaly, as he has feelings all along a Nobody should not typically have, and well, if you all have beat the various games, you should know that rubbed off on Axel.
I plan on writing an actual multichapter third person story with these two, probably something rather unique. So, look out for it, okay?
Note: Italicized statements are referring the past, memories Roxas is recalling.
I don't own anything.
I know I'm not the greatest writer ever, so, read and review~ I need the feedback. Try not to be too harsh on me, though, constructive criticism is what I need should you want to give it. C:
Cheers to my first published story online. C:
Things had changed, and quickly as well. Saying things would never be the same as before was a large understatement. Afterall, when someone obtains something they have never had before that changes everything about you, how could things continue on as they once were?
It seems so natural now, how I behave. I think I'm getting the hang of it, actually. Even now, I lay in bed , with him beside me, a strange, unknown fluttering in my chest as I gaze at him, unsure if he is awake, or deep in slumber.
I argued with him once, about these matters. Axel has always been so strong and defiant, and in all honesty, there are days I'd love to slap that gorgeous face square along that strong jawbone or well shaped cheekbones.
"Hey Axel. What do you think of me?" It was a foolish question, and I knew it the moment those words began to form on my tongue.
"What?" His eyebrows raised before settling back down and he looked as though he was in thought. He must have realized what a strange question it was coming from me, nothing more than a Nobody. Still, whether it was to simply humour me, or because he was interested in the answer as well, he continued to think, leaving me nibbling at my lower lip, feeling rather idiotic.
You see, that was the beginning of my problem. Weird… feelings kept showing themselves in the pit of my chest. A squeeze here, a fluttering there, an unknown breathlessness gripping my throat from time to time.
"Well, Roxas," he had begun once more, knocking me from my own thinking. "I like you. In fact… It's like… I have a heart when I'm around you." He admitted, showing a rare sheepish expression, his eyes drifting from mine in order to avoid contact.
To be entirely honest, that was how I felt, and that was exactly what I wanted to hear. Such tender moments like these had seemed so out of place, what, with who, no, what we were. With our situation, the Organization, our goals, missions.
Despite my internal pleasure at such a statement, I reacted the only way I knew how. I am quite defiant myself at times. Strong willed, maybe even melancholic, a fatalist.
"How can you say that? Because we DON'T have hearts. We are Nobodies, Axel. How could you feel like you have a heart when you have no way of having one? And we are going to live that way until we fade to nothingness and you know it. Don't be such an idiot, Axel. Shit like that doesn't happen. Who would give a heart to someone who doesn't matter, who doesn't even exist to them." I snapped cruelly when the redhead hadn't done a thing wrong.
A frown tugged at those pretty, thin lips, and his own defiance sparked in his eyes, much like the angry flames he called upon without much effort. Sure, I was rude, but it wasn't like Axel was one to take such a light verbal punch so personally. It wasn't like he didn't preach the same things I just had. Perhaps it was because he had hoped that I had felt the same…? I couldn't know for sure. Standing my ground I stared evenly into his vibrant sea green eyes, ready for his lash out. He was one to have a nasty temper when he wanted to.
"First off, Roxas, don't ask me this shit if you don't like the answer."
Fair enough. I was being a hypocrite; I'd be the first to admit it.
"Second, who gives a shit what others think? Yeah, they all have hearts and don't know we exist or even spare a moment to care. But you know what Roxas? I care about you. Ever since I've grown to know you, I have felt strange things in my chest. I swear I've felt sadness, happiness, everything. I swear I'm feeling something now… Frustration, but not the kind I'm used to. The kind where… I think it's because you're not understanding how I feel, and it's making me want you to feel too. Maybe we are beings without hearts, but that doesn't mean we can't make a heart of our own."
Now that… Was an interesting concept. A heart of our own? How could we go about constructing such a thing? If we don't know the first thing about human emotion, how could we ever fathom to create it for ourselves?
"Make one? How the hell is that possible?"
"I don't know! All I know is that maybe if you try to feel, like I have, and you have someone around you that you don't want to be without, for unexplainable reasons… Then maybe you can start to feel with an empty chest. Maybe it can grow. Maybe it's just like being born again. You have to learn. But you can't until you're willing. And if you dare to disagree with me when you're wearing such a face, I swear, Roxas, I'll beat you."
I had always known Axel was smart. Sure, he seems care free, laid-back, and rather aloof and snarky most of the time, but I also knew he had some inner workings of his mind people wouldn't expect him to experience. This was a perfect example of this. I couldn't deny it—I had no other explanation for what he had just said other than the fact that it was coming from his heart. Those words were emotionally driven.
Once I had come down from the consideration of what he said, my hand had idly wandered to my face, feeling around slowly, my throat feeling choked up.
"What kind of face?"
"You look like you're about to cry."
And here I had thought that I was standing my ground, strong and hard, unwilling to give in so easily to the tantalizing idea of having a heart. It was what I had wanted. So very badly. To be somebody. Though I had wanted reassurance, and to hear I could feel one day, I didn't want to tease myself with the idea if it could never be true. I wouldn't be able to bear it… And that's when it clicked. I was definitely feeling. Dread, anxiety, confusion, hidden happiness, shock, breathlessness. That quickly developed to excitement, thrill, overwhelming passion, the kind that makes your eyes tear up and your hands shake. I didn't know all of those emotions then. Rather, I was a mess trying to understand and decipher it all. But upon looking back now, I can identify all those troublesome waves that ran through my body.
"Axel, I…" suddenly, the argument didn't matter anymore. I was overtaken, overwhelmed, suffocating and pinned down. All I knew was to say the only things that came to mind, "I like you too, Axel. A lot. I think maybe… One day… We can feel…"
Every moment since then had been an inner struggle for me, and for him as well, I think. It wasn't the kind of struggle that left me angry or dissatisfied with life. Only perplexed as I tried to understand what I was going through. It really was like being born again, and like Axel had told me, I had to be willing to experience it for it to happen. The heart is a delicate thing, and a heavy burden. I don't want to lose it.
Though Axel and I did not change as people, and our personalities remained mainly intact, there were changes in how we behaved. Whenever I am around him now, it's as though I feel a level of desperation. Like I have never wanted anything more in my life, and in the face of the idea of losing it, I feel as though I must hang on with all my strength, fight tooth and nail for what I currently possess.
Like now. Uneasy, I stirred, prodding about his face as he lay unmoving next to me, his eyes closed.
"Mmm…?" he hummed, lazily opening one eye. He always looked so damn smug. And so damn sexy at the same time. Talk about complete and utter aggravation. But right now, I was too overwhelmed to be made grumpy by his snarky little grin and sleepy gaze when I was trying to be serious.
"Axel… I love you."
He raised a brow at this. "I love you too. But what's gotten into you? You look like you're ready to throw yourself off of a building. You're tense." He ran his hand reassuringly down my back, and I immediately eased considerably. This was one thing I did love about Axel. Despite the fact that we had seemingly obtained hearts, Axel still remained his distant and distracted self around the others. Hell, he still gave me a hard time. But when things wind down and it's only he and I, an unknown affection seeps forth, and he almost acts childish in his need for me. Though others might have found this annoying, I find it endearing. It makes me feel like I mean something.
"Sorry… I… I'm just having one of those moments." I breathed, latching myself to him tightly. I pressed myself to him completely and wound my arms around his neck, my hands fisting into his soft unruly hair, pulling, tugging, gripping; my grasp about him growing tighter. I felt breathless. Like if I couldn't somehow manage to press my body so much into his as if to become the same person, I would die.
It was hard learning to deal with new emotions. It was hard learning how to handle a heart. How could people do it? How could they not suffocate. I felt like I was so often these days.
Luckily for me however, Axel understood entirely, and matched my desperation with his own, clinging to me and only huffing slightly when I'd pull his hair too hard or squeeze him too tightly. He, too, slid his fingers through my hair and pulled my head back, pressing his mouth to mine in a fierce display of untainted need, nearly trembling as we both struggled to maintain ourselves to some degree.
I groaned without restraint, my tongue clumsily battling with his in a struggle for dominance. Though he always won, it was worth the delicious and dizzying fight. We had done such things long before we went through the confusion of feeling emotion. It was more a quiet lust and curiosity that drove us. We saw it this way: We trust each other, we're friends, and we need satisfaction. Maybe this odd joining helped us to feel the emotion we had wanted to.
After a few moments more of feverish kissing, I dully registered the fact that my clothes were quickly being removed. I would have none of this so long as the devilish looking red head remained clothed before me. I quickly removed his night shirt and shorts, and slid my fingertips along that firm developed chest and stomach, my breath short and rough, eyes squeezing shut as my undeniable need grew.
"Axel, Axel please, don't tease." I whined as he slowly moved his mouth along my chest and collar, his warm tongue leaving chilled streaks of wetness in its wake. He always had a way of controlling me without realizing it, producing a more frail, needy me I had otherwise not known.
"Patience, Roxy." He breathed with a small chuckle, sinking those sharp teeth of his into my neck.
"Ah, No…" I gasped, letting out a sweet voice even I didn't know I had. I didn't really realize how much it took to be with someone like this. Embarrassment was, obviously, never an issue previously. I'd let him see all of me. My anger, sadness, all the sloppy parts of me. Even my orgasm face. Then again, it isn't so bad. He's shown me all of that as well.
"I like that, Roxy…" He reasserted my unusual and rather feminine pet name, offering a groan of his own to show his arousal at my pleas of desperation for him. It was all too much to bear. Knowing that begging would only put him in a more high and mighty position and probably egg on the idea of endless, torturous foreplay, I said no more words. Instead I only moaned softly as he administered what he wished upon my body.
Having finally had enough, I lifted my head and began to kiss his lips rather zealously once more, my head swimming. He only groaned and nipped and bit hard, claiming every inch of my mouth for his own, his hands possessively gripping my hips. It seemed as though he was beginning to grow fed up with waiting as well, and pulled himself away from me with a small grunt.
Before he had a chance to make his next move, I too, sat up, pressing the palms of my hands to his chest. "Axel," I breathed, nipping tenderly at the front of his throat, "I want more". Taking the opportunity to move downwards as Axel contemplated my words, I eagerly devoured the entirety of his length into my mouth, unwilling to go easy on him.
"Shit, Roxas, I…" he panted, and I could feel his fingers curl tightly into my hair, urging me down onto his member. I held back a muffled choke and steadied myself before I carefully began moving my head backwards slowly, before pressing forwards once more with a bit more speed. Once I had picked up a rhythm, I began feeling pleased by his desperate pleas for more, as quiet as they were, and I reluctantly stopped myself once I felt him begin to twitch with the need for release.
With a rather embarrassing, sloppy wet sound, I removed him completely from my mouth with a sigh, wiping automatically at my lips as I attempted to catch my shortened breath.
"Aw Roxy… Don't wipe it off. You're all mine." I raised my brow at this. He could be so strange and animalistic at times. However, I was quickly forgetting the oddity of his phrase as I could feel my own persistent need nagging me for attention. Nibbling my bottom lip, I looked up at Axel through my eyelashes, shifting slightly in discomfort. That set him off. Works every time.
Finally ready for the little bit of action I had been longing for, I waited patiently while he prepped me, sighing and squirming as he did so. I couldn't help the fact that he always got the better of me in these situations.
Without much warning, he eased himself into me, leaving me breathless as ever, a bit of discomfort robbing a whimper from my lips. Always so impulsive yet steady, Axel was. Such actions without warnings had grown to no longer surprise me. Despite this, he waited patiently while I sorted myself out, waiting for the small pain to ebb.
"Alright… Axel…" I breathed, closing my eyes to calm myself as I braced my arms on the bed, fingers curled into the sheets, ready for the initial rocking caused by his hips connecting continuously with mine. And so he did, the moment I had uttered the permission he was most likely impatiently waiting to hear. The odd filling sensation slowly became something of undeniable pleasure, leaving me utterly restless as I hooked a leg about his hips, dully registering his lustful yet soft moans.
"Ah, Roxas, Roxas." He panted slowly above me, his soft thrusts growing harder. He wasn't the kind to take these things slow. He was too impatient. In fact, everything about Axel seemed hard and fast. Regardless, my mind was in far too much of a haze to care that he was growing steadily rougher with me. My body could take it. Despite popular belief and supposedly deceptive appearance, I'm not as delicate as many may think.
I bit at my lip out of habit, daring to open my eyes to about halfway, my hands threading themselves through Axel's long tresses.
"That feels… So good, Axel, don't… Don't stop." I swallowed hard, trying to steady my talking. Rather pleased with my begging, I suppose, he began to thrust harder, angling himself so that my vision practically went white as he roughly brushed my prostate. It never ceased to amaze me how shockingly pleasurable such a simple action could be. But now that he had found it, he would abuse it, as he always did. The man took far too much pleasure in watching me in overload, panting and scrambling for words, struggling beneath him.
I arched my back, using all of my strength to grab him and pull him closer, my hips thrusting in return, trying to heighten the friction. Overwhelmed would be a steep understatement at this moment.
"Oh God, Axel, please, oh please… I can't take anymore, I swear, Axel!" I mindlessly babbled, every breath coming out in a louder moan than the one prior, my eyes and head lolling backwards. He always did tease me that surely everyone would know what we were doing and when due to my loud cries. Of course, he took every ounce of credit for this.
"Anything for you." He returned surprisingly delicately, his voice hushed as he was surely holding back the urge to moan loudly. And thank God, he had granted my wish. He had abandoned every last bit of reserve that remained in him, it seemed, as he ground his hips against mine forcefully and passionately. I dared to open my eyes once more, having lost track of the fact that they had fallen closed amidst my ecstasy.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. He looked so wild at moments like this. His red hair even messier than I thought possible, his eyes dark and passionate, his brows furrowed and expression a mix of so many emotions I couldn't even begin to list them. He was getting close. I could hear it in his voice, feel it in the way he moved against me, see it in how he began tightly gripping the sheets on either side of me, his knuckles growing white. And I admit, I love every second of it. This undomesticated side of Axel was something only I got to see. Mine, mine, mine. Who knew I could be so possessive?
Without much warning, my pleasure began to spike leaving my body alight with a hot pricking sensation, a knot forming low in my belly. It was just far more than I could handle. The feeling of being pushed back into the mattress over and over was dizzying, the hot and heavily pleasurable sensation of him moving in and out of me leaving me feeling almost drunk, so completely lost, but grounded at the same time.
"I'm going to…!" I tried to warn, only to be cut off by his own gruff agreement, falling into silence other than loud moans as a nearly burning, electric pleasure shot through me, my own erection twitching violently as I finally came, the release feeling sinfully satisfying.
Before I knew it, his heavy weight pinned me harder to the mattress, my seemingly drowned brain trying to refocus. Once I had settled some, I wrapped my arms firmly around him, only to feel the gesture returned. I damn loved this asshole, even when I didn't want to admit it.
Once we had both recovered for the most part, I not so willingly allowed him to pull away from me, whimpering at the empty feeling. I lazily rolled onto my side, feeling his arms pull me closer before I even began to scoot towards him like I had wanted, nuzzling his nose into my hair. If Axel could find the heart to be so affectionate and protective, maybe the world has a chance, after all.
I opened my mouth to say something, a soft I love you, but a sleepy whisper was all that was said. But somehow, he understood despite my jumbled, indecipherable attempt. As we settled, before I started to fade into the darkness of a deep and satisfied sleep, I could hear him return the words my newfound heart ached to hear every moment of every day.
"I love you too, Roxas."
Now I think I know what it's like. To be needed, to be loved, to be hated, and cared for.
To be somebody.