Fairytales of sisters Grins: Hansi & Gretchen
Ax: Dear children. Once upon a time, there were two twin-sisters, Ax and Lonewolf, who travelled through all dimensions of the Universe to collect for you the most amazing stories and folk tales. If you were good children, you can now listen to the story of two little kids called Hansi (Ky) and Gretchen (Sol), who got lost in a dark evil forest.
Warnings: Sol´s dictionary, no pairings - not even in the last scene, who´ll think there is will be kicked in their ass by my good friend Envy...
Envy: (smirk)
Ax: ... and, ahem, Sol wears... eh... dress...
Sol: THE FUCK?!
Ax: (starts running) Sorry, dude, I just needed someone to act Gretchen and you happened to fit in that role perfectly!
Sol: YA LIL´ JERK I´LL SHOW YA WHAT FUCKIN´ FITS SOMEWHERE PERFECTLY!! (draws Fireseal and gives chase)
Ax: (screams like little girl and tries to run faster)
Envy: (sighs) Looks I´m the only one left here to make a disclaimer. Just so you know – Sol Badguy, Ky Kiske, Jam Kuradoberi and I-No belong to Daisuke Ishiwatari and Arc System; the song The Chainsaw Buffet is the creation of Finnish metal band Lordi (both music and lyrics were written by Mr.Lordi) and I belong only to myself, even if some stupid humans try to indicate, that I´m owned by some Hiromu Arakawa guy, but screw you people! I have more urgent things to do right now. Have to kick certain shrimp ass. (grin)
Ed: WHO DO YOU CALL A SHRIMP?!
Ax: Huff huff... here we go... (dodge a fireball)
Hansi and Gretchen
A fair-haired blue-eyed boy sits on moss pillow and gathers strawberries into his handbasket, occasionally he eats some. His angelic face radiates peace, goodness and moral purity. When his basket is full, he stands up, carefully shakes needles and ants off him, looks around and sighs. „Sol!" calls he then.
A tall, muscular person wearing red dress, knee-socks and apron (which was snow-white in the morning) walks out of the bushes. He sways his handbasked, bored, sometimes he knocks down some inattentive squirrel.
„What?" he growls.
„It´s getting dark, we should better go home. Parents sure must be worried about us."
„Yeah." Sol draws the spit right out of his heel and shoots down certain flying mosquito with precision of a master. „At home before the lights-out, huh?"
„When a rule is once appoint, it has to be kept," Ky says with his typical patient teacher-like tone of voice, which drives Sol mad.
„Gah! Rules. I haven´t cared to any."
„Rules are the basis of civilization," Ky continues passionately.
„Civilization!" Sarcasm dripping off Sol´s voice poisons surrounding vegetation and destroys it completely.
Ky sighs and gives up; he knows it´s hopeless. He takes up his handbasket and sets off for the way home.
„Dude!" Sol yoo-hoos.
Ky turns around.
„We came that way," he points with his chin at the opposite direction.
„You are mistaken. We came this way."
„Bullshit." Sol starts to draw out another spit.
„Don´t swear! And behave!"
Sol stops for a while, then he finishes the operation successfuly. „You´re pissing me, kid."
„You know, that I am right. And we came this way." Ky is unshakable like the Holy Faith.
„That way!" Sol growls like(?) an angry Gear and draws Fireseal. Bushes around him blaze up.
„This way!" Ky thrusts forth like(?) an angry Angel and draws Thunderseal. Lightning strikes the nearest tree.
Scared flocks of birds fly up from tree-tops and settle down only when the sounds of the fierce battle have ceased. In the middle of the new emerged clearing Ky lies on the ground, while Sol sits on his back.
„That way," he comments his victory. Because Ky says nothing, he fidgets a little.
„Okay!" pants the loser. „You win."
Sol stands up with a victorious expression on his face and sets off without looking back. Ky hardly gets on his feet, sighs resignedly (because of his ragged and nearly burned clothes), picks up his handbasket, which miraculously escaped the destruction, and follows Sol. The sky above gets darker and darker, and the forest around is dense and unfriendly.
„See? We are lost. I was right," Ky mumbles with harmed tone of voice.
„!" Sol growls.
Ky turns pale. He doesn´t even know some of those words.
„´Kay,´kay!" Sol suddenly stops and spreads his arms in submission, so he knocks down Ky, who stumbles behind him. „You win. Happy?"
„I don´t know, why you must always take everything personally so much," Ky says from the ground.
„Now we´ve to get out of this bloody damn forest somehow," Sol continues, as if he hasn´t heard him.
„You and your fiery ego!"
„Hm. I don´t have any compass and the stars shine not."
„It has to be extinguished a little."
„There might be seen something from above."
„Not a little. Water cannon on you!"
„Climb up the tree," Sol turns to Ky.
„Drown... what? Er, I cannot climb up trees."
Sol makes a face, that says more than thousand words, he rolls up his skirt by one economic movement (and the big-eyed world can see his muscular, scarred, hairy thighs) and begins to climb up the tree. For the first time, Ky has a chance to look into his basket, that is placed on the ground. Instead of unobjectionable forest fruits, there are magic mushrooms. He looks up into the branches, horrified. „It is illegal, do you know that?"
„What?"
„These mushrooms. They must be left here..." Ky is hardly able to avoid the boot, that has fallen down.
„Touch ´em and you´re dead!" Sol threatens from above like an angel of vengeance.
Because Ky´s known Sol well, he backs out of his handbasket and holds his cross tight, just in case. Pieces of bark, that Sol is planning by his rough thighs, fall on his golden hair.
„Damn it... fucking skirt... got splinter in there..." Sol´s voice is heard from above. After a while: „I see a light!" and he jumps down (nearly on Ky).
„Where?"
„There," he points, puts on his fallen boot, draws out the mentioned splinter with cursing (Ky closes his eyes tightly and prays silently) and - holding his magic mushrooms protectively on his broad chest - he sets off. The progress takes nearly an hour, because of malicious branches and roots with the vicious sense of black humour. When our heroes finally reach their destination, Ky is completely worn out. On the other side, Sol seems to just getting warmed up (he´s a Gear, remember?). In a small clearing, there stands a little cottage built in the chinese style. Well scented white smoke is rising out of its chimney. The song „The Chainsaw Buffet" can be heard, and very loudly.
„My, my," Sol grins. „Isn´t it that famous Chef-Witch?"
Ky is confused. „Do you mean that Chef-Witch? Which is said to be lustful and sadistic and choleric and cannibal?!"
„Yup!" Sol nods happily. „Let´s check it out!"
„Er, you should not believe everything you have heard. Rumours are often exaggerated."
Sol frowns. „Do you hear that song? You´re mine main course at the Chainsaw Buffet, feed on man-eater´s cousine Huh? What do you think?" He tries to rush off, but Ky grabs him at his hand.
„Wait! We can not just burst into there. It would be trespass to land!"
Sol sighs. „Have I ever told you, that you´re an idiot?"
„Tenthousandandfortyfivetimes," Ky answers calmly.
„Fine. Look, we´re innocent, defenceless kiddies, who got lost. We surely can go there and ask for help, can´t we?"
Ky´s eyebrows, hearing the words innocent and defenceless, try to overcome the world record in high-jump, but then he must agree. He approaches the door and gently knocks at it.
„Come in!" a feminine voice full of garters and leather says and the door opens by itself.
Ky enters carefully. „Excuse us, but..."
Sol crushes into without ceremony - over Ky, who is standing in his way. They are in a big kitchen with lots of cupboards, saucepans and stuff. In front of a really big oven, there stands certain woman dressed like a witch – she wears unholy miniskirt, top-boots and pointy hat, all in colour of crimson. She stands turned back to our heroes and cooks something.
Treaded down Ky stands up and tries to retain his last remains of dignity. „Excuse me, er...Miss, may I ask you for help?"
„Whatever you want, my sweethearts," she responds, still standing backwards. Sol growls quietly.
Ky doesn´t pay him attention. „We are lost and..."
The witch – now we can see it´s I-No – suddenly turns around, grabs Sol and throws him into the oven. Ky gasps in shock and horror and draws his sword.
„You wave around your naked weapon and pounce at women? My, you´re quite the beast, aren´t you, boy?" laughs I-No perversely and strikes him with her guitar. „So come on and thrust it into me!" Defence of chaste Ky is broken by that egregious verbal attack, that is why he gets another punch. He is thrown away, hits the CD-player and makes it turned off. Now, when that terrible Lordi song is over, Ky can fully concentrate. I-No rushes at him, holding her guitar like a baseball-bat, but this time Ky is quicker and shoots a thunderbolt at her. The witch is smashed, but not stopped. In fact, she seems to get more angry.
I-No strikes once again. Ky raises his sword into defensive position, but she doesn´t finish her attack. Instead of that, she grabs the nearest cupboard-door and hits him on his face with it. He lands on the floor and I-No sits astride on him.
„Look what you´ve done," growls she pissed off. „You´ve torn the string on my guitar. What if I´d torn your..."
At that moment the oven explodes. Sol stands there surrounded by flames, looking like the Lord of Hell. I-No yells, mount her guitar and flies away.
Sol (not a little harmed by the Armageddon he has unleashed) carries half-unconscious Ky out of the burning cottage.
„Why do I have to save your sorry ass all the time?" he mumbles under his breath. The cottage behind them is burnt down.
Ky, who lies on the grass, hears Sol drawning the spit out again. He closes his eyes in horror. The spit lands hardly foot away from his face.
„I know that bitch," Sol states thoughtfuly.
„Don´t swear," Ky wheezes. „And behave."
„Don´t piss me, kid."
„ Aiyaaaaaaaah!!" With an awesome battle cry, another witch appears in front of them. She points an accusatory finger at poor Ky. „You! You´ve burnt my restaurant yet again!!"
„Who? What? Why? That was yours? I didn´t know..."
„Get ready!"
Sol steps aside not to be in the way. He enters the ruins and tries to find his handbasket with the magic mushrooms. Alas, there is nothing left but a sooty scrap. He sighs sadly and when he heards from outside:
„You shouldn´t kick so high. People´s eyes tend to wander, you know... hey, ouch!", he decides to interfere. He clutches furious Jam at her head and shortly explains the situation.
„That bitch!" the little chef-witch screams rabidly and rips out of Sol´s grasp. „She tied me to a tree and tried to overdraw my business! But I´ll catch her and pluck and cut and fry and eat..." Her voice dies out in distance.
Thrashed, stamped and scorched Ky sits on the ground and peers to nowhere. Sol experiences for him absolutely abnormal feeling of sympathy.
„Hey, kid. You´re alive?" he says softly.
Ky blankly shakes his head.
The clouds finnaly rip up and stars appear. Sol localizes the North Star. Fine. Now he shouldn´t get lost again. When he bends his head, he finds out, that Ky has just fallen asleep in the bed of grass.
Sol is horrified by his feelings of friendship and almost motherly instinct. Never mind, it will cease soon, he thinks hopefully and sets off for the way home with sleeping Ky in his arms.
The End
Ax: OMG YAY! My first posted fanfic. I hope you liked it? Did you?! Did yooooou?!
Ky: I beg you on my knees, please give this psycho a rewiev, or she will go mad even more!
Ax: But no flamey. We´ve got Sol for that you know.
Sol: You better not try to piss me off again, you crazy little monster! I haven´t finish with you yet!!
Ax: Crap! Calm down, dude, it wasn´t that bad, was it? BTW, that splinter stuff was my sister´s idea, not mine.
Lonewolf: Oh fuck... (tries to escape)
Sol: You two incredibly ugly pieces of shit! NAPALM DEATH!!
Ax & Lonewolf: Eeeeep!! (running in circles)
Envy: (sitting on a tree, watching with amused grin the scene) Hey folks, next lil´ fairytail will be - Sleeping Beauty!! Hehe, try to guess, who´s gonna be the Beauty! The first one of you, who´ll get it right, will be rewarded by one of Ky´s precious teapots!!
Ky: (narrows his eyes) Really? Well then... RIDE THE LIGHTNING!!
Envy: FUCK!!