dedication: shima genki

happy birthday. to all the years we've been friends, and to the years to come. happy birthday from katraa and i hope you enjoy this angsty and a bit of fluff oneshot. it was meant to be during kingdom hearts two, so don't be confused. leave a review if you do take the time to read, thanks.

Breathe
x x x
katraa

Vehement green hues glared through the darkness. Hands, hands that had once used that same darkness, clenched tightly at their master's sides. The smell alone was prominent enough to send someone into a frenzy of equivocalness and disconcertion. The smell of darkness was always something that drove him insane, so it only seemed logical that everyone else in the cluster of ùworlds was bothered by it also. The sight of it was self explanatory. However, only those who had been consumed, plagued, and tormented knew its true shape. It was similar to that of a hazardous mist, swirling ghastly gases, destroying and slaying anything in its path. Things, enemies, could easily hide in it and wait to lunge out at unsuspecting souls. And those souls would deserve it for having given into their sins and petty desires.

To him, the darkness had an unambiguous sound. Nothing came close to the sound that darkness generated, something Riku knew first hand. If you listened close enough, if the deadly chance ever came up that is, you could hear the distressed and agonized screams of the dead. Listen closer and you could make out the whispers of the deceased, begging for one last chance. Listen even closer, lend your ear to what you thought was imaginary, and you could hear your own life being sucked away.

To get out with your sanity was a true miracle. What you did once you were free was the real question. Your life was different; you were haunted by the ache the darkness had caused you. The loved ones you held so dear now loathed you for sinking so low, so where did that leave you? When you were free, when you were allowed the chance to go back, would you even /want/ to?

The silver-haired male who was standing in the darkness of night took a lengthy breath, never tiring of the taste of fresh air that he had been deprived of for so long. He had grown, height-wise and mentally over the years, his heart becoming not a weapon, but a tool he used wisely with caution. But no one could really control their heart, and Riku's one true weakness was the boy he envied to the point of despising him. It was a nonsensical logic; but it was the truth. Love, like darkness, came in many forms, and only those who were truly wise could see it.

Refined lips contorted into a frown as Riku remained on the lonely street of Radiant Gardens. Darkness shrouded him, making his tall form invisible in the night. The moon above was the only light for miles. It's now or never, Riku mused darkly. Would it possible to fall back into his own life after everything that had transpired? The question remained agonizingly in the back of his mind, and would not depart no matter what he did. Some things never went away. Love, among countless other things, was one of them.

Silently, the silver-haired youth made his way dexterously across the desolated streets, shoes producing a cadence of clunking noises. Pulled tightly around his body was a black cloak, concealing the vibrant yellow shirt accompanied with faded blue pants. The black assisted Riku in remaining hidden, and for that he was quite thankful.

It was not long at all before the dismal teenager made his way to his destination; the inn. Top floor, fifth room on the left. He had memorized the information as if it was vital to his life. And perhaps it was, in some spiritual way. He had never been one to believe in anyone besides himself, so finding anything essential to his existence was difficult.

Lips at once twisted in a look of sheer shock. He had prepared himself for this, honestly, but the impact was still there. Riku stood wearily at the entrance of the room, staring at the slumbering brunette, blankets tightly pulled around his lithe body in attempts to keep warm.

All his hate, all the envy he had ever felt towards him at once evaporated. Hands that had been so tightly coiled into fists flexed, falling flat against his legs. He had come here with the intention of making his friend, who he hadn't even considered a friend at that time, pay for the pain he had inflicted on him. He had wanted Sora to know what it felt like to be tossed into the darkness without a way to escape. He wanted Sora to feel actual pain, to bleed. Now, however, all of that was gone.

Every single word, syllable, Sora had ever spoken rang in Riku's mind. Emerald eyes narrowed into a look of distress. He was losing his mind, and it was all Sora's fault. He was losing his heart, not to the darkness, to the emotion that Riku had forced himself never to feel. And he hated it with everything he had.

"Nnn?..."

A soft, almost inaudible noise came from the resting hero. Spiky brown locks of hair fell playfully on his face. Riku could not stand it, really he could not. He may have been tortured by the darkness, but he was not going to be tortured by the one person he used to trust. The only person he ever did trust.

Without thinking, without even pondering on the consequences, Riku made his way vengefully over to Sora, gloved hand reaching outward to snag the brunette by his wrist. Benevolent blue eyes snapped open, gazing up in shock in the darkness. Blue hues were finding it hard to focus and make out the figure standing before him, holding his wrist exceedingly tightly, making the brunette wince in pain. But the way he breathed was all Sora needed to figure out who it was. Riku always was nervous and uncertain, and it showed in his anxious breaths.

Riku hoisted Sora into a sitting position on the bed, ignoring the mews of protest from Sora. No amount of writhing from the younger teen could make him stop. There was no stopping darkness once it started, and Sora, of all people, should have known that the moment he heard Riku's disquieted breathing.

"Do you know why I'm here?" Hissed Riku in what could have been mistaken for a whisper. Green hues further narrowed at the slender boy he had a tight hold on, awaiting an answer. He deserved one; he needed one.

"No." Sora stated simply, trying to pull his arm back from Riku's grasps, only for the other to tighten his hold. Blue eyes pleaded with his friend to let him go, begged him to stop this and explain. It took Riku a few moments to notice the underlying emotion residing in Sora's eyes. Relief and happiness. He was happy that he was alive; out of the darkness. But that feeling was buried, and all that remained was fear and disgust. And perhaps he deserved that too.

"Do you realize how much I suffered for nearly two years, Sora? Do you realize how /pathetic/ I felt being used? Can you begin to imagine what I went through just to be alive now?" Riku nearly spat in repugnance at Sora, lips in a sharp sign of scorn.

But that all right if Sora did not answer, he did not need an answer. All he wanted was to be here tonight, let out all the troubling emotions. He needed to vent, and Sora was the only person he wanted to do such to. Riku's grip on Sora's wrist tightened before the hand slipped down to firmly hold the brunette's hand. Perhaps too tightly, for the action caused Sora to wince.

"For two years I've watched you in the shadows. I watched myself be forgotten because of /her/. You cared more about finding her then you cared whether I lived or not. You always thought you were better then me having been chosen by the key blade, being the hero of light, but you're wrong, Sora." Riku informed the trembling boy. "You were never better then me... because I wouldn't let you be." Eyes shut in dismay.

"..." Sora said nothing, lips fallen into a stunned expression.

"I want nothing more then to hear you say you've forgiven me. That's all, Sora. That is all it will take to make these feelings of hate go away. That's all, really. I just need to hear that you've forgiven me and can accept me for who I am, even if that person disappoints you," Riku whispered, voice quavering as he loosened his grip on Sora's hand.

"Riku..." Sora answered, eyes blinking in shock and confusion. "You're alive..." Sora managed in a weak mumble, hand slipping from Riku's grip as he felt a wave of knowledge surround him.

"Say it, Sora!" Riku suddenly snapped with aggravation, seizing both of the boy's wrists. With ease, Riku pinned the boy to the wall the bed rested against, hands pinned above him head, Riku leaning over him, knees pressing against the bed. "Say it. Let me hear you say it."

Sora did not know what to say, think, or feel. He was afraid that Riku was going to hurt him, so he shut his eyes off to the one person he ever really wanted to find. The action only galvanized Riku to hiss out in frustration.

"I always envied you. I wanted to be you. I could never achieve what you achieved. All I could do was sit and watch, listen to you breathe." Riku murmured in hostility. "I just want to feel one more time how it feels to be alive. I've been trapped in darkness so long... so fucking long that I don't even know anymore why I hate you. So say it, Sora. Allow me to feel one more time."

Blue eyes met with jade ones as Sora's lips ghosted the words before speaking them, "I forgive you, Riku."

But hearing them was not enough. Not at all. Lips that had been in a scowl crashed against parted, smaller ones in an instant. Blue eyes closed in sudden relish and uncertainty. Riku's hands that had been pinning Sora's above his head loosened their grip, allowing one of the boy's hand to fall onto the bed lifelessly as he took the other in his.

Now having a hand free, Riku used it to drag Sora by his chin closer to his face so he did not have to strain so much to kiss the brunette. Sora easily complied, body shaking more than he thought was possible. Lips meshed and fluidly interlocked with one another. All the hate, all the darkness he had ever felt and been consumed by fled at that moment.

All that remained was the undeniable infatuation he felt for the young boy in his grasp. The passion that drove him to impress, and that had enslaved him in the end.

"Riku..." Sora whispered into the kiss, body heating from the contact.

"Ssh." Riku murmured against Sora's lips, guiding his hand that wasn't holding Sora's down to the boy's waist, gripping the boy's narrow hip. All this time all he had ever wanted was someone to care. That was all. All he wanted was someone to hold him, love him, and when he was refused of that, it had drove him to be enslaved by his emotions. It was funny how love worked.

They didn't have to talk tonight. All Riku wanted was to have the one he had given so much up for in his grasp. He wanted to feel again, and only Sora could give or deny that pleasure.

Riku needed to look past the shadows in his mind and find the truth. He needed to forget the pain he had felt, the torture he had endured, and look at the blinding light at the end. The truth. He did not hate Sora, he loved him, and at the time hate was the only way he knew of conveying that feeling.

"I want nothing from you," Riku whispered into the kiss. He did not expect the other's love in return. He knew that Sora's loyalty ran with Kairi, and he had to accept the painful idea. "I just want to be here tonight. Just right now." Riku added on in a murmur, lips crashing against Sora's once more as his ghostly pale hand slid up the teen's shirt, making the brunette emit a gasp.

Sora was afraid to say anything. Honestly afraid.

"Hm.." Riku broke off their heated kiss, hand having been taunting the boy's stomach and abs with his skilled fingers. Once he had created a gap between them, Sora stared at him with glazed blue eyes. "I bet you're tired of me," Riku laughed coldly to himself. "Always asking you for things that you can't give." Riku shook his head, hand falling from Sora's.

"Riku, please, don't leave again." Sora requested as Riku arose from his spot on the bed.

"My redemption won't come unless I leave." Riku murmured, "I need to go back into the darkness. Just for a little bit."

"Don't!" Sora begged, body flinging itself off the bed to desperately cling to Riku. "Please don't make me look for you anymore. Please, Riku!" Tears were now filling Sora's eyes,

"Think of it as a game." Riku answered emotionlessly, breaking free of Sora's grasps, leaving the other in complete dismay. "I'll hide, and you find me. But that's not the point of the game. To win, you have to stop Xemnas. Then find me." Riku murmured, turning his back to the boy. "That is, if you still want to." Riku snarled silently.

"Riku..." Sora whimpered, trying his best not to cry. Heroes did not cry... nor did they fall in love with their best friends.

"Just find Kairi." Riku snapped, making his way to the door. "Forget about finding me. I don't want to be found. Not anymore." Riku explained as he left the room, whispering under his breath, "I don't want to be found just for you to reject me."

"..."

Riku would wait forever outside heaven's doors, listening to Sora's breathing, just for a chance to be with the angel, the savior of his broken and tortured heart. He would wait forever, concealed in the shadows, hating the world and him, until that revulsion is broken, and he is allowed to be /human/ again.

Darkness was a part of him, and perhaps the only thing he ever really needed other than Sora.