I own nothing.

Chapter 1: Everything That Rises

One day, a few years back, I was roaming around town, and I saw people. Some of them were laughing, some looked annoyed, and some looked at me strangely for looking at them. People are so funny, and in that moment I wondered if they realized they're beautiful. Beauty can be measured in so many ways, and I wanted everyone to know that. I could barely keep myself from standing in the middle of the town square, shouting nonsense about beauty. The only thing stopping me, was the thought that people wouldn't see the beauty in my observations, and that perverse thought was dirty and forbidden. Maybe I was just special, maybe only I could see how every person walking by was unique, and even though they may not have been blessed with good looks, something else about them would surely be beautiful, if only they'd accept it.

For a five year old boy, I was thinking about some pretty deep shit, I've got to admit. Thinking back on it, I doubt my previous thoughts. Not everyone has beauty inside of them, but maybe people can change something ugly into something that's not so bad. I'd like to believe that, it makes the world a little more bearable.

The news is horrible, these days. It's all death and destruction, war, murdered children. I wish I could help, I wish I could change lives. But I'm just a poor college student, and all I can do is hope that not too many innocent lives will be taken today.

Luckily not everyone has to live such terrible lives, not everyone has to see the terrors some others see on a daily basis. Some people come from a good family, a family that takes care of each other. I come from a family like that, or mostly at least. My grandmother is the most amazing woman I will ever have the honor of meeting, and my uncle and my aunt are like my second parents. Such warm, and open people are hard to come by in times like these. It's why you need to keep a hold of them, and make sure you never lose them.

Unfortunately, life can be unpredictable, like the weather. You can guess at what's going to happen next, but then something unexpected happens and everything changes. Like when my grandpa died. He'd been sick for many years, but when he actually died, my whole family died, too. I still remember the day, the twentieth of January, a Saturday. It had been around half past eleven, in the morning. We were at my grandparents' house, my mother, sister and I. My uncle and aunt - and their children of course - were there too. I think there were actually more people, but I can't remember. I guess my mind had had enough to deal with tat day, and so it decided to just forget about the useless shit. I had been looking for something, I think it was my school books, I did have exams coming up. I'd forgotten them in my grandma's car, but it was locked, so I needed her keys. She was in the bedroom with my grandfather, along with my mother and uncle. There was a doctor, too, grandpa had been very sick. At the exact moment, the exact fucking moment I walked in to ask for the keys, he died. My grandma shouted: "It's okay, Joseph, let go!", and that's when I walked in, and as I took a breath to ask for grandma's car keys, grandpa breathed out his last.

Everyone was silent. My mother was crying, so was grandma. Uncle Zack was just standing there, stunned. I broke the silence.

"Grandma, where are your keys? I need my books."

She didn't speak.

"I think they're in her purse, Rox. It's on one of the chairs in the living room," uncle Zack said. I nodded, went inside to grab her keys. Slowly I walked to the car, and I got my books and locked myself in the study. I didn't cry. No one came in to talk to me. Sometime in the afternoon, my stepfather Auron walked in, and sat down on the chair facing mine. He said nothing. I continued studying. I remember feeling glad he respected my choice to keep silent, but I shouldn't have been surprised. Auron was a really nice man, and treated me like I was his own child. We sat in companionable silence for a little while longer, until: "Roxas," Auron started, "you don't have to talk to anyone, if you don't want to, but there are people here. Even your dad made it. If you decide to come out, you can." He got up from his chair, and walked over to my side. I refused to look at him, like I refused to look at people in general when I didn't feel like talking. He put a hand on my shoulder, and I did everything in my power to not flinch at the touch.

"Don't feel pressured, okay Rox? Whenever you're ready, we'll be there for you."

That was eight years ago, when I was thirteen years old. My little sister Paine was barely a month old at the time. She never got to meet grandpa, and for that I feel sorry. But now that I'm twenty-one, it's not the time to dwell on such sad things of the past, is it? I should be out partying, not worrying about anything, deal with the here and now and let future Roxas deal with the future.

So that's exactly what I was doing. I was out with friends, in some club that was hosting a party. Not any party, but a party for gays and lesbians and everything and everyone in between that. I don't really know what I am, I'm still questioning myself and I've decided to just not put a label on it. But when my friend Fang asked me to come, I couldn't say no. She would've dragged my sorry ass out of my room anyway, had I said no. And man, I did not feel like dealing with her abuse, that girl could hit hard.

So here we were. We were dancing, and when I say 'we' you know it's serious business, because I don't dance. It's like an unwritten rule of life: 'Roxas Strife will not dance'. Then alcohol happened and kept the rule from getting to me. I let go, there we no limits. No limit to my (horrible) dance moves, no limits to the amount of beer and cigarettes, no limit to the fucking sky. I was dancing and I was having fun. Fang bet me a hundred dollars, if I ended up kissing a guy. But in that moment, I didn't care. I didn't care about kissing, I didn't care about my crappy childhood, I didn't care about my non-existent love life. I cared about the booze and the music, and god I just wanted to dance. Had I ever been this intoxicated before? Jesus, I needed to stop drinking, but there Fang came, bringing me more beer.

"Ya having a good time, mate?" she yelled in my ear, trying to make herself clear ver the loud music.

"It's fucking fantastic!" I yelled back, grinning. She grinned back, and we drank and we danced. The night went on, and we were invincible. We could take on the world, we didn't have to be scared. She was a young goddess and I was a young god and the bartenders were our slaves.

"You're dancing, Rox!" Fang hiccuped. I snorted.

"Remember it well, this will never happen again."

At one point when you're out drinking, you need to use the bathroom, and from that moment forward, you just keep going. It's strange how that works, but my time had come yet again. I motioned to Fang that I would be right back, and she shook her wild dark brown hair and danced. She was beautiful, it was hard to keep my eyes off her sometimes, but I knew it would never happen. She was as gay as they come.

When I came back from relieving myself, I couldn't find Fang anywhere. That was okay, I just wanted to dance anyway. Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder, and a voice that said: "Let's go outside, a friend of mine brought Mary."

I turned around, already having recognized Fangs voice, and gave her a puzzled look. "What?"

Fang rolled her eyes. "Mary, marijuana, pot, weed. You know. Stuff."

She dragged me outside. On a bench sat a somewhat fat guy. He wasn't obese or anything, but he could stand to lose a few pounds.

"Roxas," Fang started, then pointed to the guy, "this is Pence. Pence, Roxas."

Pence smiled and waved. "Hey," he said. I smiled back. He asked me if this was my first time smoking weed. I shook my head.

"No, but I don't do it too often."

"That's okay," he laughed. "This is good, try some." He handed me the joint, and I happily took a drag, and after a while another, before passing it to Fang. The feeling of lightheadedness I knew would come, washed over me like a warm blanket, and I just wanted to sleep.

"Hey Pence," I drawled. "Can I… Can I just lie my head on your shoulder for a minute?"

Pence shared a knowing look with Fang, before grinning and saying: "Sure dude, go ahead."

I put my head on his shoulder, and that's when the roller coaster came down. I couldn't move, I could barely speak. I couldn't open my eyes and all I wanted was to just fucking sleep. I felt like a bag of potatoes, and Pence shook me and he said something but I can't remember what it was. He sounded worried, that scared me. Should I be worried? I didn't want to worry, I just wanted to sleep.

"Fang, Fang! Call an ambulance, he's not doing well." That was Pence, I think. What, was I lying on the ground? I didn't understand. They needed to know I was awake, but I didn't want to be. I just wanted to sleep, please, please just let me sleep.

"Roxas!" Slap.

"Roxas!" Slap.

"God fucking damnit!" Slap. I wished she would stop hitting me. I moaned, hoping she'd understand I was awake.

"Roxas, stay the fuck with me!" Slap. I opened my eyes. If only she'd just stop slapping me. I was tired. I closed my eyes again. Why couldn't I just go to sleep?

"Roxas don't you fucking dare!" Slap.

"Fang, Fang!" I managed to say. "Yeah, yeah, I'm here. Fang, I'm here," I searched for her hand, found it and tried to squeeze. I don't remember if it worked. "Here… Fang..." I was just so tired. I needed to sleep.

"Fang, the ambulance is here." Pence.

"Alright, let's get him inside." Who was that?

"Will you be driving with us?"

"Yes." Fang.

I was lying still, but we were moving. I needed to vomit.

"What's your name, kid?" someone asked.

"It's Roxas," I whispered.

"What's that, lad? Didn't quite catch that." He sounded so patient, it was embarrassing.

"Roxas Strife."

"Okay Roxas Strife, where will we be taking you?" Did he have to be so friendly?

"My mom's place. Wait. No. My keys? I don't know. My mom's place."

He asked me where that was, I somehow answered him. I knew Fang was there somewhere, I needed to see her but I couldn't open my eyes. Could I go to sleep yet? No of course not. I didn't deserve to go to sleep. I didn't deserve anything. I am just a worthless piece of shit who is apparently dumb enough to drink too much and then have a bad trip. Mom was gonna be so pissed, fuck, she's gonna be mad. Shit what am I going to do? I can't go home. I cried.

"I can't go home, she'll be mad. I can't go home, please, Fang, I just, I just want to die, Fang," I weeped, "I am so done with everything, I'm tired of being sad all the time. Fang, I just want to die. Please, let me die?"

Suddenly I was on the couch. The kitchen light was on, and I needed to pee. I looked around, everything was spinning.

"Hello?" I whispered loudly. No one answered. I was alone. I crawled to the bathroom, and did my thing. Nearly fell asleep, might as well have, I don't fucking remember. Back to the couch, underneath a thin red blanket.

Finally, I could sleep.

The next morning was like hell on earth. Never before had I had such a hangover. I was sure I was still drunk. I needed to pee again. I found my wallet on the bathroom floor, and all I could think was: good thing you remembered taking it out of your back pocket before it fell in the toilet. Yeah, Roxas, real good job.

Fuck I was a mess. My hair smelled of vomit, my clothes reeked of old beer and cigarettes. I thought about what grandpa would've said if he could see me now, but I decided I really didn't want to know. I didn't want to deal with the imagined disappointment, I already had to deal with my own.

I never thought being so disappointed in yourself could beat feeling sad for all those years. I thought my depression was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, but at that moment the disappointment I felt was too great. It would be best to just die on the spot.

Death.

Oh jesus fuck, what did I tell Fang? Did I talk about dying? I thought I could remember something about that. I may have mumbled too much, she may not have caught what I said. I didn't want to ask her. Fang was sad, too. I didn't want to burden er with my sadness, like I didn't burden anyone else with it. My sadness was my own, no one needed to know it was there.

I drank a glass of orange juice and took a shower. I tried to get the awful smell of vomit out of my hair, but that would take several days and a lots of shampoo. While I was scrubbing myself down, I realized I should've have drank orange juice. The acids in the drink did not play nice with my already upset stomach, and so it came out again. Jesus, I'm a dick to myself.

I got out of the shower and threw on my pyjamas. I entered my bedroom and found everything still as I had left it, but the bed had clean sheets. I think Auron did that before he left to do whatever he had to do, because I was sure mom wouldn't take the time. Whoever did it, it was not important. Bed, sleep. Finally, sleep.