Hans stood atop the twenty-foot ladder in front of the Millennium Headquarters with a slight frown on his face. There were a thousand soldiers in this whole base, and Hans was the only one doing any of the work around here. He latched to the front arch a huge string of green holly with a spiraled red ribbon on it and all kinds of tiny ornaments varying from a star to a Swastika. Hans secured the decoration and looked at the work he had already completed. There were a few hundred feet of this stuff way back at the other end of the base's front wall and Hans was now finishing up with this as he duct taped the very end three times and hopped down from the ladder.
Hans slung the ladder over his shoulder and pulled out the Christmas decoration list out from under the bill of his hat. He unfolded it and crossed through the holly decorations section with a pencil. He looked at the last two things on his list. Dok's Lab and the star on the Christmas tree that nobody can get because you have the ladder so we're giving this one to you instead of Zorin. Hans understood the Major's sense of humor, but he didn't ever find it funny. Zorin was a vampire and she could probably just jump up there to put the star on top. Why didn't they have more than one ladder anyway?!
The werewolf decided to get Dok's lab first because the gigantic Christmas tree in the main lobby was too much work to get into right now. Besides, all Dok had requested was a few holly wreaths around the place and a big box of coffee on his desk when he came back from a trip to the countryside for more "specimens" to work on. Hans could only imagine what in the hell he was doing with those people, and he quickly pushed the thought out of his mind to prevent any images from seeming into his brain.
Still, the werewolf walked back through the front doors of the HQ and made his way into the main lobby. He set up the ladder for later and grabbed a pile of Christmas wreaths for the lab. He made his way to the kitchen and rummaged through some of the cabinets until he found a big tin can of Peruvian coffee beans and put the ten-pound canister over his shoulder. Zorin Blitz entered the kitchen as he was getting ready to leave and she arched an eyebrow when their eyes met.
"Wher're ya off ta zis time? Ze Major's office?" she questioned. Hans shook his head, but Zorin barred his way with her massive scythe. Hans stopped and their eyes met again. Hans narrowed his gaze. "I don't get it. Vhy don't you ever talk, eh? You stutter or somezingk?" she questioned annoyingly. Hans set down the canister of coffee beans and grabbed a sheet of paper off the kitchen table. He wrote his response, picked back up the coffee bean canister, and was on his way.
As Hans rounded the corner and left the kitchen, a scythe flew past his head and he heard Zorin yelling at him obtrusively.
"Don't talk to idiots do you?! I'll give you an idiot!" she roared at him. But Hans was already out of the kitchen and making his way down the hall with a slight grin on his face. Zorin had always been one of those people who went berserk at the smallest things. And it would probably get her killed one day. Hans walked down a few more hallways and found himself at Dok's lab entrance, the huge double doors shut tight and a key dangling from the ceiling by a razor-thin wire. There was a note attached to the key. If anyone but the Captain enters this lab while I'm away, they'll be my next test subject. Hans pulled the key off of the wire and unlocked the door by sticking the key in a small hole in the floor.
The lab doors unlocked almost immediately and Hans easily pushed them to the sides as he entered the strange laboratory that Dok spent most of his days in. In it, there was a massive beam going across the center of the room that divided the entrance and half the lab from the back of the lab with a huge set of black drapes. There was a pulsing, glowing light coming out from under the dark drapes. Hans began to hang the wreaths on the walls.
After he got three of them up with only the low humming of the generators deeper underground to keep him company, he decided that Dok would have a fit and get in a moody fit if the wraths weren't spaced equally throughout his lap. The man was a perfectionist after all. So Hans found the center of the drapes and parted them just enough to slip past. Once on the other side, he stopped dead in his tracks when his eyes showed him what Dok was hiding.
There was a gigantic cylinder with glass sides, filled with glowing green water and bubbles rising to the top. All sorts of wires and tubes and hoses fed into the cylinder and machines hummed all around it, apparently checking the data recordings and reading levels of certain chemicals at intervals. Hans knew that this was none of his business, and that this should be on no surprise to him, but he couldn't help but stare at the contents of the container.
There was a little boy, not even a year old, floating in the container. He had all sorts of wires feeding into the back of his neck, probably connecting to his spine and nervous system. Peculiar about this little boy, he had two cat ears jutting off of his head and surrounded by green-lit hair. Hans clenched his fists and looked away. Everyone else in here, suspended in other vats on the other side of the curtain had chosen to become monsters. But this…this boy, he hadn't been given a choice. Dok was using him for his own gain…and the boy hadn't even been given a chance at living life. Hans took off his hat.
He walked up to the container and stared at the boy for a long while, hat in one hand and wreaths in the other. Before he turned away to put up the wreaths and leave, Hans touched his hand to the glass and whispered very softly.
"I hope your childhood is better zan mine vas." He looked back up at the boy and much to his surprise, they were now staring each other in the face at eye level. Hans couldn't believe his eyes as he gazed at this innocent little boy through the glass. Hans put his hand to the glass again and the boy mimicked his movements, putting a tiny hand up to the inside of the container. Hans didn't think that anyone in stasis mode could move, or even have consciousness for that matter. This boy was strange alright.
Before Hans could do anything more, he got an order on his earpiece that he was needed to complete the Christmas tree before the Major could set down tomorrow's presents. Hans heard Dok in the background yelling at Zorin for damaging the kitchen, and Rip laughing at the top of her lungs at Zorin's misfortune. So the werewolf hurried to set up the last three wreaths and got out of the lab as quickly as he could, closing the great double doors behind him and locking up the lab before he left. He was in such a hurry that he had forgotten his hat back in the lap in front of that container with the boy in it. It troubled him though. Why would Dok choose someone so young for experimentation?
Once in the main lobby, Hans found the Major severely scolding Rip, Dok, Zorin, Jan, Luke, and a battalion of soldiers all at once as they lay in a beaten heap on the floor. Hans hadn't seen the Major angry in a very long time, so this was a surprise for the werewolf as the short man went off at the top of his lungs about how the Christmas tree was no meant to be used as a target for target practice and that ornaments were not five points each if you shot them.
Hans quietly climbed the ladder with a large star ornament in hand. He reached the top of the synthetic twenty-foot-tall tree and carefully placed the star atop the tree, light shining off of it as he fixed it in place with a short strip of duct tape. He looked down at something whizzed past his head. He turned back around to see Zorin's scythe embedded in the ceiling and the star he had just put up completely torn to ceramic dust. He growled lightly, and then Zorin spoke up.
"Told you I could do it Rip. You owe me your Christmaz present," she said. The Major lost it.
"GO OUT AND BUY ANOZER VON ZORIN, UND YOU DON'T GET A CHRISTMAS PRESENT EIZER!" the short officer roared so loud that Zorin's hair was blown back. Hans was very angry that she'd shot the ornament off and pulled his Mauser C96 from its place on his belt. He fired twice and Zorin's kneecaps shattered. The vampire screamed in pain and Hans jumped to the ground, greatcoat billowing behind him as he touched the floor. Zorin slammed her fists against the floor and the Major greeted Hans in his usual manner.
"Zer gut. Take ze rest of ze day off und go get somezing to eat," he said, mood now rather cheerful. The werewolf's mere presence seemed to brighten the Major's mood. Hans supposed that it was because he was the only dependable person the Major knew, and the only one who got his chores done on time. There could be other reasons, but Hans didn't care to wonder about what they could be.
The Major left the room humming a war song and everyone but Zorin left. Hans threw her a medical kit and left as well, going back to his room until dinner was ready. He had a few long hours to kill, and staring at the ceiling in his room was the only way to do that around here.
The hours passed and Hans met everyone else at the grand mess hall, decorated with Christmas things and filled with the many delectable treats that the Major had ordered over the past few weeks. Hans took his seat somewhere near the middle and everyone dug into the feast prepared for them. It was good, and Hans enjoyed himself for the entirety of the meal, hearing all sorts of old war stories from eight months ago, all kinds of encounters with beautiful women and the stealing of priceless artifacts from the Louvre and other French museums.
It was a great Christmas Eve party and the Major enjoyed himself without getting on anyone's back about something. Zorin was probably the only one who didn't have a good time because she was hobbled with crutches as Dok healed her legs with some strange containers latched onto either of the she-vamp's legs. Hans saw the glares she was giving him, but he ignored them as he wolfed down more ham smothered in gravy.
After the feast was completely devoured, blood sauce and all, the Major personally brought out several Icelandic blood cakes and Hans silently slipped away from the festivities. As much as he had enjoyed everything, and how he liked blood cake, he was tired and needed to go to bed. He'd been working all day and he was exhausted from heavy lifting of radioactive canisters and tanks and huge steel beams and such from this morning.
He opened the door to his room and took off his greatcoat as he flopped down on his bed, arms stretched out to either side. He yawned heavily and closed his eyes. At least tomorrow was Christmas…
"Vake up Kapitan! It's Christmas und everyone ist vaiting for you!" Rip Van Winkled yelled from Hans's doorway. The werewolf silently got up and pulled a new greatcoat out of his closet, putting the garment on and flipping up the collar. He walked out of his room with Rip and followed her into the main lobby where a thousand Nazi vampires, Dok, the Major, and Zorin were waiting for him…all with Christmas presents in their hands waiting to be opened.
Hans stepped past the threshold of the room and immediately, wrapping paper flew up into the air and everyone cheered as their presents were revealed. Hans was happy for them, but Dok waved Hans over to him. The werewolf was a little confused. There didn't seem to be any heavy lifting to do at the moment. But when he reached the twelve-fingered genius, Hans found that Dok was pointing to a box under the Christmas tree.
Hans knelt down and slid the box out from under the tree, peering at the tag on its bow. Surprisingly enough, it had his name on it. So, like everyone else here, Hans pulled off the wrapping paper. But when he reached down for the lid of the box, it flew off ad out sprang something that yelled at him.
"Papa!" the little boy yelled as he sprang out of the box. Hans looked at Dok with a very confused look on his face. Was this one really his?! Dok grinned widely and pushed his glasses up to his forehead. Hans was just waiting for the explanation he was a bout to give.
"Zis von is yours Kapitan. Ever since you voke him up yesterday, he won't stop saying "vhere ist coat-man" und it's getting on my nerves!" Hans looked back at the little boy, who he recognized from yesterday. Strangely enough, the boy was wearing Hans' hat and a miniature Hitler Youth uniform. He also had the cat ears from yesterday and blonde hair now that he was out of the glowing green water. The boy looked up at Hans and grinned widely, holding his arms up to the werewolf.
"His name is Schrodinger. Take gut care of him Hans, or zer vill be dire consequences," the Major threatened playfully as he polished off his new Luger 9. Hans gently picked up the little Schrodinger and furrowed his brow as he saw the big, puffy eyes of someone that had been recently crying. He looked at Dok, and the genius sighed.
"Und anozer thing, he von't shut ze hell up! Ze only time I ever got him to be quiet vas vhen I told him to get into zat box und you vould be ze first person he'd see vhen he got out. Anyvay, we've got some Christmas games set up und you need to participate vit Schrodinger. Let's go everyone!" Immediately, the Major and Dok separated everyone into ten groups, Hans and Schrodinger being in their own group alone. The werewolf followed Dok outside with everyone else, a tiny eight-month-old Schrodinger nestled in his arms.
When he was outside, in the spirit of Christmas, Hans found that it was snowing what looked and felt like real snow and there was a twenty-five foot snowman in front of him. The Major turned around to get his thousand warriors and Hans looked around. It seemed that they had been separated into teams of some sort…and Hans was on his own with Schrodinger. Just great…Christmas games pitted against him. Why had he gotten a kid for Christmas?! The Major spoke up before Hans' mind could wander.
"Get to ze top und you are ze vinner. Zer are no ozer rules. Any questions?" Nobody said a word, too focused on the giant snowman before them to listen. "GO!" the Major yelled and fired his gun into the air. The respective teams broke out into a massive brawl as everyone tried to prevent the others from even reaching the snowman. Hans simply leapt into the air, Schrodinger under one arm, and began using peoples' heads and backs as stepping stones to get to the snowman, which some vampires had reached the base of.
Hans quickly made the rest of his way over the crowd of brawling vampires and jumped onto the side of the snowman, grabbing deep into its massive "belly" and throwing himself up the side. Schrodinger laughed happily and Hans kicked up to the second ball of snow, checking to see who else was up here. He saw Zorin, fully healed and ripping into the snowman with her scythe to get a hold. Rip was up here too, using her new long rifle in the same way as Zorin was using her scythe. Zorin caught sight of Hans and she swept her scythe near his arm, almost lopping off Schrodinger's little head. The boy laughed happily and clapped his hands.
"Yay papa!" he shouted. Hans drew his pistol and aimed it at Zorin's knee. The vampire swore loudly and fell to the snowy ground when Hans fired. When he looked back up however, he found that Rip was almost to the top of the snowman. So Hans bit the collar of Schrodinger's shirt and transformed into a gigantic white wolf, leaping up with four legs to the top of the snowman as Rip reached the neck area. Hans transformed back into his human form as he hit the top of the snowman's head and stood triumphantly over the rest of the soldiers, who were drawing their guns.
"Ve have out vinner!" the Major yelled. No one seemed to hear him as bullets whizzed through the air. Hans dodged the bullets flying his way.
After the snowman ordeal was over and done with, and Hans' greatcoat had been torn to shreds, the Major told them to meet him and Dok at the top of the hill behind the HQ. Once everyone was there…everyone that hadn't been killed or incapacitated during the fight to climb the snowman, Dok explained the rules for this game. Hans groaned even before the man started, because this one was going to be hell for sure.
"Zis is a race down ze hill. Zer have been sleds provided for your transportation. Two to a sled, und zer are no rules for zis game eizer." Hans saw the looks that everyone was giving him, and he saw the angry looks in their eyes. Even Rip, who had been generally well-mannered and quite, was grinning with malicious intent and loading up her gun with magic bullets. Hans was afraid of who she was going to be aiming at. He took his seat on a sled in the middle of the large group of a few hundred.
Schrodinger laughed and giggled as Hans scratched behind his ears. The little boy was still wearing his uniform hat, but he didn't care all the much. Right now, he was more worried about Rip blowing his arm off with a magic bullet. Dok grinned widely and the Major fired his gun in the air, probably just looking for an excuse to shoot a weapon. Hans pushed the sled forward and it began its descent down the hill. As soon as he had gone three feet, hundreds of guns went off and bullets flew everywhere. Hans saw nearly a dozen sleds fly into the air after a grenade went off. And that worried him, that everyone was going all out for a simple sled race.
Hans looked down at his chest as Schrodinger fiddled with something on his belt, and Hans' eyes went wide as he saw that what the boy was trying to eat was a grenade with the pin pulled. The werewolf immediately grabbed the explosive and chucked it back at whoever was screaming at him. There was an explosion and Rip flew into the air above them, firing her long rifle and screaming.
"YOU BASTARD! I VILL KILL YOU!"
"Again papa!" Schrodinger exclaimed with glee.
"Schro…I am not your fazer," Hans growled through gritted teeth as he pulled his pistol and clubbed down the sled next to his. Schrodinger laughed happily and continued to fiddle with things on Hans' belt. The werewolf blasted off the arms of three more vampires and then leaned back as the sweep of a rifle with a bayonet attachment almost ripped his head off. He clubbed down two more vamps and then hit something that sent his sled into the air. He heard Rip scream again.
"OH, YEAH! RUN OVER ME VHY DON'T YOU?!" Schrodinger clapped his little hands and Hans jumped off of the sled, transforming in mid air. He held Schrodinger by the back of his collar and the little boy had his customized Mauser C96 in his little hands, gnawing on it like it was candy. Hans ran the rest of the way down the hill and finished first, ahead of everyone else by a landslide. He changed back into his human form and took Schrodinger back into his arms. The little boy laughed happily and Dok declared Hans and his little companion the winners…again. Hans dodged the grenades flying his way.
And after the sled race ordeal, Hans was left with no greatcoat at all, one boot with no toe end, no shirt, and no ammunition besides the three bullets still in his pistol He was even having to hold up his combat pants because he had strapped Schrodinger to his chest with his belt to prevent the boy from running away. Schrodinger, as it was, didn't like being shot at very much and was curled up in a little ball, looking up at Hans fearfully. The werewolf felt a little sorry for this child. Well…he could be worse off. The Major could be his caretaker. Hans shivered at the thought.
"Okay…zince Hans und Schrodinger have von ze ozer two games by a landslide, zer ist but von choice to put all of you to ze real Christmas test: Ze Christmas Obstacle Course," Dok and the Major finished in unison. They both laughed with grim delight and Hans groaned with displeasure. First bullets, then grenades…and now what? Were the troops going to bring out tanks this time? The Major and Dok both led the remaining two hundred or so troops to a huge obstacle course that Hans took one look at and feared. Well, it was the Christmas obstacle course alright.
Every obstacle was a Santa character with some sort of gun barrel sticking out of his mouth, or with a sack full of grenades, or with a flamethrower sticking out of his jolly red belly. Hans could just barely see a Santa obstacle that had buzz saws for hands and a stick bomb in his mouth. This was goig to be a terrible course to run. Hans decided that this one wasn't worth the ride, and decided that he should back out of it. Besides he had already won the other two games with Schrodinger, so it was okay, right?
"Und nobody can retreat! Zis ist ze final push men!" the Major yelled over the noises of the terrifying Christmas course. Hans gulped in fear and Schrodinger looked up at him with a dumb look of innocence on his face. His ears flattened.
"Papa…is not happy?" Schrodinger asked quietly. Hans rested a hand on the little boy's head and scratched between his cat ears. Schrodinger purred.
"I'm not your fazer Schrodinger, und no. Ve haff to get across zis course, und we're probably going to die on ze vay," Hans replied. He realized that he'd spoken to this boy more than he'd spoken to anyone else in Millennium, and it had been less than a day too. He shrugged and the Major fired all the rounds left in his pistol.
"TO YOUR DOOMS!" he roared. Hans trembled with fright for a moment, took a step, and then a white light flashed before his eyes. Hans' foot touched the ground, but it felt different here…very cold. He looked down at Schrodinger, who was still lashed to his chest with a belt…and that was it. Hans didn't have his boots, his socks, pants, boxers…anything! Hans was completely naked! He covered himself as best he could and Schrodinger laughed and giggled to his little heart's content. An then it hit him.
Hans was at the other side of the course…
He stared at Schrodigner dumbly for a few more moments before he unlatched the boy and set him on the ground, transforming himself into a giant white wolf. He sat down on the ground and looked back at the Major, who was clapping heartily and grinning like a Cheshire cat.
"Zer gut team Doktor Wolfe und a victory vell earned. Ze games are over! Ze Kapitan und Schrodinger vin!" the Major announced joyously. Dok walked away with a notepad, writing down collected visual data. He muttered something that made Hans shiver with fear.
"Note to self: ask ze Kapitan vhy he got a tattoo on his ass," Hans shook his head and ridded himself of the thought of that very awkward conversation. He turned his gaze down to Schrodinger and watched the little boy make snow angels carelessly on the ground, laughing still and watching Hans scratch his flank with a big paw. In the background, Hans heard the Major talking to the rest of the vampries.
"Und vat do you think you're doing men? You still haff to do ze Christmas Course. Now go, run to your dooms!" Boom Boom Boom, shck, ahhhh! Hans grinned a toothy grin as he heard the beginnings of the ends of those soldiers. Hans was a lucky man today, he had Schrodinger. Somehow, someway, Schrodinger had saved his ass from that nightmare. He laid down next to the silly boy and snorted, blowing snow all over Schrodinger. The boy jumped up and hugged Hans' snout as tightly as he could.
"Merry Christmas papa!" he exclaimed. Hans sighed.
"Merry Christmas Schrodinger," Hans replied as the boy made a snowball and tossed it at the giant wolf. Hans snorted again and blew the boy off his feet. He laughed and made more snowballs, throwing them at Hans merrily while the wolf dodged and threw snow up into the air with his big paws. Hans sighed contently.
Maybe this present wasn't so bad after all.
A/N: Merry Christmas!