Summary: Bella realizes for the first time all she has done to hurt Edward, but when she sets out to make sure she never does anything like that again, she realizes what she sees as pain, others may view as a moving and meaningful part of truly living. This takes place after Breaking Dawn.
Note: There will be more chapters from the perspectives of Edwards, the Cullens, and Charlie about Bella's impact on Edward's life and pain in general.
The Gift of Humanity
I've always known Edward was impossibly strong. When I was a human, he seemed unbreakable to me, but more than that, he was always in control. He was the one that could pull back from my kisses when I could barely breathe.
It wasn't until I became a vampire too that I realized just how much control he used around me. I always thought he was exaggerating when he said he could never lose control around me, like a mother warning her child from sweets. Now that I can unthinkingly pulverize a stone in my fingers or lean against a wall to forcefully and fall through it, I see that while he was near me, the human Bella, he could never relax. Now that my muscles have the exact same amount of force as his, I see that he will always be stronger because he could do that for years, just for me.
And now, with my new vampire eyes, vampire ears, vampire hands, I can see how while he was and is impossibly strong, he is very breakable, and I've put so many cracks in him. Edward has been my very own toy, dragged around and used for my own means, getting dinged and chipped along the way, getting a scratch here and a nick there. None of them are on the outside, of course, but they're on that very beautiful, unbeating heart of his.
As a human, I was so stupid. I did things all the time that hurt him. Sometimes I even knew it, but I just thought there was no way little old Bella Swan could possibly hurt Edward Cullen. I realized it for the first time on my inaugural day of being the unliving undead. The scent of that human was the most delicious thing I had ever smelled. The venom had automatically gushed into my mouth and I felt myself lose control. It was like an out-of-body experience. I was no longer Bella Cullen, wife and very new mother. I was a predator, a some-what rusty killing machine looking for a little lubrication. That lubrication would be warm, thick human blood.
I didn't think about Edward's words Try kissing that until months later, when we were seeking some quiet time away from the family in the forest. Perched facing each other on a tree branch, we sat in silence as much as we talked. Often we would reach out and graze each other's skin. He would touch my cheek; I would run my hand up his arm.
"The first time we went to the meadow, you traced the veins of my arms," Edward reminded me.
"I know," I replied. He was forever doing that. Telling me things we did before I was changed, committing them to my vampire memory so I would never forget. Edward was such a silly man sometimes. While my human mind was so dull and fuzzy, my heart would never let me forget any of our times together. He had done the same for my other memories after he committed to changing me, asking me about things from my childhood, from my adolescence, so later, when I forgot, he could remind me of the name of my first pet or my best friend in first grade. So I would never forget who I was before I met him.
While I needed help remembering things from my childhood, I didn't need help remembering us. Some things the mind remembers, but other things belong with the soul, and I firmly believe I still have mine.
"And then you ran from me," I prompted, wanting to prove that I would never forget him.
"I did not."
"Of course you did, Edward." I loved the growing equality in our relationship. I was no longer the clumsy Bella that fell down and blushed and stuttered. I was the tempting Bella that could crawl forward on the branch and lean forward so my lips were a breath from his. "I only wanted to kiss you, and you ran from me."
My real goal was to fluster him. It was very difficult to do, but I was having increasing success in my endeavors. Today just wasn't one of my lucky days, though. Smooth as water, he shifted to a crouch and leaned his upper body forward, forcing mine to retreat until I was lying flat against the branch with him hovering over me.
"Believe me, Bella, I wanted to kiss you just as badly as you wanted to kiss me," Edward murmured, looking into my eyes.
I just wanted to melt.
"The man in me wanted very badly to do this," his lips caressed mine in a way that made my breath catch, and I grasped the branch under my back.
"But even more badly, the monster in me wanted to do this," he whispered in a rough tone as he slid his lips from my mouth, over my jaw, and onto my throat. We kissed each other's necks all the time. That wasn't a big deal. However, he had never opened his mouth, settled his teeth against my skin, and pressed down ever so slightly. It wasn't enough to tear my skin, leave a mark, or even hurt, but it was maybe the single most erotic thing he had ever done to me.
I growled. Not because if he were any other vampire, this would be a life-ending position for me to be in. It was because every fiber of my body was so tuned to him, for him, that I couldn't contain it.
Edward pulled back, a sad look on his face.
"You see, Bella, even now, when you are finally able to fight back, to protect yourself from me, I'm dangerous. I evoked your instincts for survival. Just imagine how terrible that would have been for you before. I didn't run from you. I ran for you."
I was so mad, so frustrated, that I didn't realize what I was doing until we were both falling to the ground.
I had snapped the tree branch in my hand.
We both twisted in the air so that we landed on our feet on the ground. We were equals.
"Do you remember when you tore a tree branch in the meadow to show me how frightening you were?" I asked, making the subject a little lighter. As if he forgot anything.
"Of course I do," he sighed. He turned his sharp eyes to the sky, assessing the time. "I'm supposed to meet Carlisle soon, before he has to go in tonight. We should go back.
"You go ahead. I want to stay awhile."
He began to protest, but I interrupted, baring my teeth in a menacing smile. "I can take care of anything that comes along."
"Of course you can. Will I ever stop worrying about you?"
"We have forever to find out. I'll see you at home."
Edward breezed through the woods, and I admired his departure. It would take me all of forever to grow tired of looking at him.
I wanted to stay in the forest while he went back to the house because his words in the tree reminded me of something, and it was difficult to figure out what exactly. I flipped through my memories and thoughts rapidly as if I were thumbing through a book. When I finally connected his words in the tree to his words month ago, Try kissing that, I began wishing some of my remaining human memories weren't so clear and perfect.
It was if every memory I had of him involved me hurting him. They were all just a touch out of focus, but examining them with my sharper mind, I could see more than I did while they were happening.
All the times I pulled him closer when he was so worried about hurting me, when I forced him to go against what he thought was right.
All the times he kept himself from touching me because he thought he was too cold.
All the times he would just look because he was afraid his touch wouldn't be gentle enough.
All the times his face was strained as he gulped his venom down.
All the times he looked at me with doubt, wondering when I would finally decide this whole thing was too much.
The tree shook as I collapsed against its base. None of those times where he fought his instincts were the worst though. The worst parts were things that had only to do with Edward the man and Bella the woman: Jacob.
"What am I?" I whispered, and I truly felt like a monster.
If I were capable, I would have had tears in my eyes as I remembered the casual remarks and careless actions I made that would hurt any normal boyfriend, and surely wounded deeply one who felt as undeserving as Edward.
I refused his gifts, his family's gifts, but wore Jacob's bracelet without protest.
I tricked his sister so that I could go visit Jacob.
I let Jacob hold me all night in the freezing tent while Edward stayed in the corner.
I shunned Edward's attempts to make me happy with the motorcycle, saving the experience only for Jacob.
Even while I was lying pregnant with Edward's child, I kept asking for Jacob.
Sure, some of these things can be easily explained, but that didn't prevent his pain while they happened.
Maybe the worst of all was that I finally forced him to do the one thing in the world he dreaded most: changing me.
It was strange really, because while Edward was quick to call himself a monster, he would never say the same of me. I knew he thought the difference was that I had never taken a human life while he had taken many. He thought his humanity had been wavering, still salvageable, until he had killed all those people and lost it forever.
Even before I was changed, before I was like him, I never thought of him as a monster. To me, he was just a wonderful man with wonderful skills, the sharpest of minds, and glorious beauty. He was more than just a normal man. He loved like no mere human could.
But I also know that before I was changed, he would have given up all those extras, the innumerable years of youth ahead of him, just to be human with me. Now I can see all of those times, just as painful as the times I hurt him, when he felt inadequate for me.
When I was cold and he was afraid to touch me.
When I wanted all of him, but he was afraid his control would slip.
When Charlie offered him dinner, but he had to make excuses.
When he couldn't join me at school on sunny days.
When he had to go away on hunting trips.
One time seared my mind more than others: Waking up the first morning on Isle Esme, when I had everything in the world I wanted, but he sat with head in his hands and feathers in his hair, every part of his being wishing he could be human so his hands wouldn't bruise and his teeth wouldn't tear. So he could give me love bites and French kisses like a human husband.
Of all the things he had given me, there was only one thing Edward wanted in the world, and I was unable to give it to him. Nobody could. For him, the greatest gift would be to give him his humanity.
Scanning the forest, I stood, and then began my sprint toward the Cullen house instead of the cottage. I didn't want to wait to see him. I couldn't bear for him to spend another hour hurting in any way. I wanted to give him the comfort and assurance he always gives me. The only thing that I had to repair all the hurt I had caused, but he never breathed a word of, was an eternity of unwavering love to show him he was more than enough and exactly what I wanted.
I've already taken the first step, doing the best I could do to heal his longing for his humanity. I gave him mine.