You Remind Me Of The Bulge….
*We open with credits*
Opening Credits: GodDAMN, I'm trippy. Look, owls and crystals and swirly things, oh my!
Most of the Audience: Who cares? DAVID BOWIE IS SINGING!
The One Freak in the Audience Who's Watching This For Reasons Other Than Bowie: It's still really trippy….
*The movie actually starts, and we see a very pretty meadow. David Bowie's disembodied yet oh-so-lovely voice fades out so little baby pre-Oscar Jennifer Connelly can talk*
Sarah: I'm overacting like hell, and this dress totally doesn't fit. Also, this line should not be this hard to memorize!
Jim Henson: Just go with it, we need the ending to be more climactic.
Sarah: Damn plot….
Most of the Audience: This movie has a plot?
That One Freak: There's more to life than David Bowie, people!
My Voice: BLASPHEMY!
Owl: Speaking of the plot, I am in no way relevant to it. Really. I'm certainly not the main antagonist in disguise, what would give you that idea?
Sarah: Oh, my only friend/dog! I've been LARP-ing for far too long! Fluffy beast of no real significance, away!
*It randomly starts raining as she runs home, but, more importantly, we are treated to more of Bowie's voice. This distracts the audience completely, but Sarah is whining nonetheless*
Sarah: How dare the weather not cooperate with my vision of a perfect world? It's not faaaair!
Stepmother: You say that entirely too much over the course of this movie, and no one wants to hear it. I am the meanest, most unfeeling bitch in the world, no matter how much I pretend otherwise.
Sarah: I'm not listening to you anyway! I'm too caught up in my teenage angst and ACTING. No one understands meeeeee! *storms upstairs*
Stepmother: Everyone knows she's ACTING. It's so much more overdone than normal acting.
Father: I'll talk to her. It can't last the whole movie.
*We enter The Chamber of Foreshadowing, aka Sarah's room, so nicknamed because EVERY GODDAMN THING in this room appears in some form later. This includes the background music (pretty song, but seriously, people, overkill much?) and a certain figurine on Sarah's vanity….*
Most of the Audience: OMG IT'S BOWIE!
That One Freak: You people frighten me.
Sarah: Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered… I have to study these lines hard if they're going to be important later. Maybe repeating them eight thousand times throughout the course of the movie will help them stick in my mind.
Audience: They're sticking in ours.
Father: Sarah, I know I'm not allowed enough lines to even have a canon name, but I have to talk you out of your hormonal rage. I'm going to leave now so the plot can commence, so try to tone down your ACTING a bit to normal acting. Oh, yeah, and your brother is ready to start being mentioned in this parody now.
Sarah: Rage! RAAAGE! My teddy bear is missing! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!
Toby: *in baby-ese* Sarah, your horrible acting skills are terrifying me!
Sarah: Too damn bad, kid, it's time for my revenge. It's… STORYTIME!
*dramatic chord*
Sarah: Blah blah blah beautiful girl blah blah my life sucks blah blah THE KING OF THE GOBLINS HAD FALLEN IN LOVE WITH THE GIRL….
Jareth/Sarah Shippers: Time to start writing fanfiction!
That One Freak: Oh, dear God….
Sarah: Blah blah… if you don't stop crying because I'm being incredibly bitchy RIGHT NOW, you're going to become a goblin.
Toby: *in baby-ese* I find this far from helpful.
Goblin: Can we make this movie interesting now?
Another Goblin: Not yet, wait for The Crotch to command it.
Sarah: I'll give you one more chance….
Most of the Audience: OMG CALL HIM ALREADY!
That One Freak: Call who?
Most of the Audience: Bowie, of course! What else is worth watching about this movie?
Sarah: Sorry, guys, I forgot the words.
Most of the Audience: GODDAMMIT, SARAH.
Sarah: Just kidding. I wish David Bowie would appear and steal this movie right now.
*Some weird shit happens . An owl is trying to break in. Toby is gone. Sarah has no idea what the hell is going on. The fangirls are going ballistic with anticipation. Finally, the window opens and in flies the owl. Glitter explodes all over the universe, and the owl morphs into….*
Most of the Audience: DAVID ! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
That One Freak: *holds hand over ears* I think you ruptured my eardrums….
Most of the Audience: *continue squealing insanely, thoroughly weirding out That One Freak*
Jareth: I'm here to act circles around you, Sarah. This movie has officially been stolen. Also, I am totally giving you sex eyes.
Sarah: Wait! I changed my mind! I don't want this movie stolen! I'm the protagonist, dammit, the protagonist!
Jareth: Too bad, no one ever roots for the protagonist when the antagonist is cool enough. Succumb to my sex eyes.
Most of the Audience: *has succumbed already*
Sarah: No! I can't! I mustn't! *ACTS*
Jareth: Maybe you will join the audience in worshipping me if I wave my balls in your face.
*He does so… they're crystal spheres, perverts! Geez, there's enough innuendo and Freudian stuff in this movie already, thank you very much*
Sarah: Must… resist… ball-waving….
Jareth: *slightly put out* Fine, then…. you can run my hugeass maze to get your brother and your credibility as a character back. Then I'll disappear, and the movie is yours again.
*We are treated to a very well-painted backdrop of the Labyrinth*
Jareth: You have thirteen hours to not get eaten by the Minotaur. Beware my sex eyes and the disturbingly large bulge in my trousers.
*He fades away by the power of David Bowie's awesomeness*
Most of the Audience: Bye, David! *heart*
Sarah: The Labyrinth….
Michael Palin: It's only a model.
Graham Chapman: Hush!
Sarah: Well, come on, feet. My quest for better acting skills begins!
*She enters a courtyard that is strangely empty except for one dwarf*
Hoggle: Aha! I am committing the supreme act of defiance against absolute monarchy. I TAKE A PISS IN A ROYAL FOUNTAIN!
Sarah: Actually, I think you're doing it because somebody decided that this movie didn't have enough phallic imagery yet.
My Voice: Just wait until Bowie's next scene is all I gotta say.
Sarah: Ooh, look! Something shiny!
*Faeries, to be exact, which look disturbingly like that creepy chick from Legend*
Faery: OMNOMNOM.
Sarah: Ouch! My illusions are shattering!
Hoggle: This movie's tagline is "where everything seems possible and nothing is what it seems" for a reason, you twit. Now, I'm going to be deliberately unhelpful for no real reason.
Sarah: And I am going to start a running joke by getting your name wrong repeatedly, even though it shouldn't be that hard. We all know I'm crap for remembering easy things, after all.
Hoggle: Touché. You get in there… you know, the huge door that plays the theme music when you look at it.
Sarah: For someone portrayed as intelligent, I'm really not.
My Voice: *thinking of the ending* Tell me about it..
*So, we're treated to an entirely too-long montage in which Sarah runs down a straightaway and into walls. It's very boring, so instead of following her, we'll go back in time to the production of the scene and pay the set designers a visit*
Set Designer 1: How do we make this Labyrinth look like a magical fantasy world?
Set Designer 2: I don't know.
Set Designer 1: Hey! Let's pour glitter everywhere!
Set Designer 2: There's an idea!
*They high-five and go skipping around with glitter guns, using them to spray every surface in the movie and David Bowie. And now back to your regularly scheduled parody*
Sarah: THIS. IS. NOT. A. LABYRINTH.
Worm: 'Allo! I'm widely considered the second most popular character in this movie!
Audience: Awwww! It's so cute!
Sarah: Screw you being adorable, can I use you for personal gain?
Worm: Sorry, my purpose is to be cute and a bit distracting, and to wear a snazzy scarf. Want some tea?
Sarah: I can't get through this, there aren't any openings!
Worm: … are you sure you're supposed to be smart? Try walking through one of the walls.
*She does so, and, what do you know? The wall is actually an archway*
Sarah: Wow! I suddenly have depth perception! *she skips off, celebrating*
Worm: Wait, go the other, far less convenient way!
Sarah: Sounds good to me! *dances off into the Labyrinth proper*
Audience: *facepalm*
*And now, time for the return of David Bowie!*
That One Freak: *has the good sense to cover ears ahead of time*
Most of the Audience:SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Jareth: Bored now, kthnxbye.
*How to fix this most thorny of problems? A musical number, of course! The action of the movie completely stops for no reason other than for David Bowie to show off. Oh, yeah, and for one more reason….*
The Crotch: I have awakened to infect the minds of innocent fangirls everywhere! Stare at me! STAAAARE!
Most of the Audience: *fall immediately under the evil mind controlling power of David Bowie's Crotch, because goddamn, could his pants possibly get any tighter?*
The Crotch: Hey, you! One freak! You're not staring at me! You're actually focusing on the song! THAT'S WHY YOU BUY THE SOUNDTRACK!
That One Freak: Sorry, I'm immune to David Bowie's power.
The Crotch: Zombie fangirl minions, attack!
Most of the Audience: *mauls That One Freak*
Toby: *in baby-ese* Is anyone even noticing that he's turning me into a plastic doll and throwing me all over creation?
The Crotch: Of course not, that would imply that I didn't do my job right.
*The spell is broken as we move back to Sarah, who has been running the Labyrinth and trying to mark her path with lipstick, which I'm sure isn't sanitary. The citizens of Fraggle Rock, however, have other plans*
Fraggles: Mwahaha, you're not allowed to make this easier!
George Lucas: … you reused your Fraggles? Really?
Jim Henson: *defensively* Only two! I made about thirty goblins, plus Ludo, Hoggle, and Didymus— can't I reuse two old puppets?
George Lucas: If Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy show up, this deal is off.
Jim Henson: Can I keep the chickens, at least?
George Lucas: *sigh* You and your bloody chickens….
Sarah: You can't change my marks! That's not faaaaair!
Alf and Ralph: Too bad, you should have realized that when you began your quest for better acting.
Zeke and Eke: A quest you're failing miserably, might I add.
Sarah: So how do I go further?
Alf and Ralph: Isn't it obvious? One of these doors, of course!
Zeke and Eke: But be careful which one you choose. One of them will kill you.
Sarah: Well, that's reassuring.
Alf and Ralph: One of us will help you, the other won't. Which one are you asking?
*This next part makes no damn sense, so I'm going to summarize. Sarah miraculously gets the impossible riddle of doom right, but while she celebrates her first clever moment in the entire movie, manages to fall down a very large, very dark hole*
Sarah: Help! I'm being molested by disembodied hands!
Helping Hands: Actually, we're helping you, dumbass. Now, which way are we going? Remember that things aren't what they seem around here.
Sarah: Well, I'm already going down, so I might as well keep going that way.
Helping Hands: Wow. You are an idiot. *let her go, laughing at her idiocy*
Sarah: *is now in an even larger, even darker hole*
Jareth: *is stalking her with his crystals* It's truly a mystery why I fell in love with this twit. Oh, and she's in a hole we gave a French name for no real reason. This means that there's no way she'll keep going.
Random Goblin: Oh, yes, she will!
The Crotch: SILENCE, YOU! If the Keeper of the Crotch says it is so, then it must be so.
Goblins: *are so stupid they have to be told when to laugh evilly*
*Ominous footsteps sound in said hole*
Sarah: Great, now something's coming to eat me.
Hoggle: Nah, it's just me, the extremely ugly guy whose name you can't keep straight. I knew you were going to fail utterly at this Labyrinth stuff from the start because you're clearly a moron, so I came to help. Of course this is out of the kindness of my heart and not because His Royal Tightpants told me to. Really.
Sarah: …
Hoggle: Welcome to the oubliette. Normally, the admission price is twenty bucks for adults, ten for kids, and five for miscellaneous magical beings… but we're having a special for people who just drop in.
Sarah: … great. So, what's the point of all this?
Hoggle: To make things harder for you, of course, you didn't think a quest for better acting skills would be easy, do you?
My Voice: Actually, the canon explanation is a place you put people to forget about them, which I call foreshadowing, because after the movie, Jareth is so heartbroken that he wants nothing more than—
That One Freak: Cali, that's you making things up so you can write angsty fanfiction. Shut up.
My Voice: *immaturely sticks out tongue, however this is possible*
Sarah: So, can I, perchance, con you into helping me by offering you something sparkly?
Hoggle: Hot diggity, I'm there!
Sarah: Can I possibly make myself look sweet and selfless instead of manipulative?
Hoggle: I don't know, but plastic is amaaaaazing!
Sarah: … riiiiight….
*Hoggle utterly fails at getting a door open before leading her out into the ancestral home of Olmec from Legends of the Hidden Temple*
Piece of 80's Technology Number 1: OMINOUS WARNINGS!
Piece of 80's Technology Number 2: IN ARCHAIC LANGUAGE!
Piece of 80's Technology Number 3: AND DEEP, INTIMIDATING VOICES!
Hoggle: Ignore them, Jareth went a little overboard trying to make the Labyrinth confusing.
*Speaking of Jareth, one of his balls makes its way across the screen. The audience perks up, except for one…*
That One Freak: Oh, God… *facepalm*
Random Pile of Rags: Hai, guyz.
Hoggle: Um… hi, random pile of rags. We're not in any way suspicious, really. We're doing nothing out of the ordinary.
*The pile of rags jumps up and reveals itself to be David Bowie, in even tighter pants! *
Most of the Audience: !
The Crotch: *looks smug, because this is totally possible*
Jareth: *delivers the most quotable line in the movie*
Hoggle: … meep.
Jareth: So, you're not, by any chance, helping the heroine, are you?
Hoggle: *absolutely fails at lying* Of course I'm faithful to you, your Highness.
Jareth: I'm not buying your bullshit for a second.
*At this point, Hoggle falls to his knees, and I am totally distracted from everything that's going on because The Crotch is taking over the entire screen*
The Crotch: Mwahahaha! Worship me, fangirls!
Most of the Audience: *worships The Crotch*
*Jareth's face comes back into focus, and the Zombie Fangirl Minions revert to what passes for normal. I think I heard something about the Bog of Eternal Stench*
Jareth: So… how's that quest going? *leans in close enough to make my Jareth/Sarah senses go haywire*
Sarah: Don't look down, don't look down, don't let The Crotch into your mind… *struggling very hard to keep her eyes on his. This shouldn't be hard, because Bowie has lovely eyes, but his Crotch is distracting as all get out* It's… a piece of cake.
Jareth: Well, then, I'm not relinquishing my hold over this movie that easily. *gives her three fewer hours to solve the Labyrinth, sending her into her famous catchphrase*
Sarah: That's not faaaaair!
The Crotch: Oh, my God, shut the hell up, will you? NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THAT ANYMORE!
*And that's the last time she says it, because The Crotch said so and you can't disobey The Crotch*
Jareth: Just to be a douche, I'm going to send a death trap after you. Have a nice day.
*And he disappears, leaving, in his place, the fan that almost kills Charlie in the bubble scene in the original Willy Wonka movie*
Hoggle: Oh, hell no…. *runs like hell, dragging Sarah with him*
Large Fan Death Trap Thing: CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK.
Hoggle: The Cleaners, The Bog of Stench, you sure got his attention!
Jareth/Sarah Shippers: I'll say! *heart*
*By the power of poorly done 80's scenery that caves in when you touch it, they escape into the janitor's closet and are perfectly cheerful considering they both just nearly got sliced to pieces*
Hoggle: Let's get back to the sunshine and the plot, shall we?
Sarah: I don't trust you, because I take every word at face value without even considering any other meanings.
Hoggle: I was lying to him, you halfwit, not you. Besides, you have no other friends because you're such a whiny bitch. You might as well follow me, even though I'm a nancy.
Sarah: His Crotch is all-powerful. You're right to fear it.
Hoggle: Let's just go with me being a nancy. It makes me look cooler towards the end.
My Voice: *scoffs*
Hoggle: I'm afraid of being stinky for the rest of eternity, even though for a king's threat, that's pretty weak.
My Voice: Don't be too hard on him. He's under control of The Crotch as much as the rest of us, probably more because he can't get away. Crotches aren't the most creative of all-powerful beings.
*They arrive in a very pretty garden, with a shining sun and twittering birds… very evil hideaway, no?*
Hoggle: That's it, I'm done with you.
Sarah: What? How dare you uphold your end of the deal!
Hoggle: Sorry, you're supposed to do this yourself.
Sarah: Not if I can help it! I'm hell-bent on blackmailing every creature in this Labyrinth into helping me win the movie back, and I'll be damned if you're getting out of it. Yoink!
*She steals his jewels, and Hoggle throws a hissy fit*
Hoggle: But they're mine! You're not supposed to blackmail me into helping you! That's not fair!
Sarah: I just had an epiphany! Life's not fair!
Audience: *applauds the death of that oh so very annoying catchphrase*
*The Wiseman ambles by, and with a name like that, you know he's going to say something important? Right? Right?*
Sarah: Excellent! Someone old and intelligent to get to help me! I know he'll be able to give me better acting skills!
Wiseman: Huh? Huuuuh? What?
Hat: *literally wolf-whistles. Considering it's a half-bird, half-inanimate object thing, it's quite frightening*
Wiseman: Goddamn, what is that thing?
Sarah: He's one of my minions. If David Bowie can have an entire castleful, I can have one. Now, what Dumbledore-esque words of wisdom do you have to help me achieve my goal?
Wiseman: The way forward is sometimes the way back.
Sarah: What?
Hat: Are you really so stupid that you can't recognize a sequel hook when you hear one?
Jake T. Forbes: … heh. Sequel. Right. *hides*
Jareth/Sarah Shippers: I get it! She's going towards her goal, but she's going away from love! That's so sweet and sad!
That One Freak: Someone please get me away from these crazy fangirls….
*While they were having their moment, the Wiseman and Hat put a little padding into the movie. They're done, so let's move along.*
Sarah: Wait, I don't get it!
Wiseman: *is conveniently narcoleptic*
Sarah: … well, that's certainly less than helpful.
Hat: Will you pay us for having to put up with you, at least?
*She does so, the hat laughs at her, and we all move on with our lives. Except for the Wiseman, who is still narcoleptic.*
Hoggle: It's nice to be appreciated. I've never had friends before.
Sarah: Really? Me neither. For some reason, no one can stand being around me and my constant bitching.
Offscreen Scary Thing: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
Hoggle: Oh, wait, I forgot I'm a nancy!
Sarah: No, don't leave me!
Hoggle: No! I'm too busy being wimpy! *runs away*
Sarah: It's impossible to find good help these days… but I'm a protagonist, so I can't be afraid!
*So, despite the fact that running towards unidentified scary monsters that are roaring in your general direction is a VERY bad idea, she does it. What she finds is the illegitimate lovechild of the Beast and an orangutan (what Belle must have said!) being attacked by goblins with fetus sticks*
Goblins: Mwahaha! We attack defenseless, clearly disadvantaged creatures and making random puns about Japanese food! Clearly, we are superior beings!
Sarah: I wish I could hurt the fetus sticks!
*Just as she wishes, a rock conveniently appears for her to throw. "Certain powers?" I think so. Anyway, she throws it and manages to cause general pandemonium*
Goblin: Oh, my aching sushi!
Sarah: ….
Audience: ….
Ludo: ….
Audience: ….
Ludo: … RAARGH!
Sarah: Wait! I'm trying to help you, even though I have no guarantee you're not a wild animal who's going to eat me!
Ludo: *calms down instantly, personality turning from vicious monster to something akin to a very large, very fluffy kitty cat* Luuuudo… down….
Sarah: Is that your name?
*What she doesn't know is that "ludo down" is actually orangutan speak for a marriage proposal and that she is now engaged*
Sarah: I guess I'll just take a chance that you're an exception to that "nothing is what it seems" rule.
Audience: Sarah, this is not a good idea! How can someone so smart be so stupid?
Ludo: Sarah friend! Ludo no eat Sarah!
Audience: You are so lucky you're the protagonist.
Sarah: Would you, a barely sentient animal, perchance be capable of getting me through this large and complicated Labyrinth so I can learn to act?
Ludo: No… hopeless case….
Hoggle: Ha! She's not smart enough to get through the Labyrinth! *in the distance, she whines for help, and he immediately tries running to her aid, when he is stopped by….*
Most of the Audience: ! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
That One Freak: *holds hand over ears* Ow!
The Crotch: You can't go to her aid! She has to do this alone! As Supreme Crotch, I command it!
Hoggle: I wasn't helping her, I was going to lead her back and make her acting skills even worse!
Jareth: How stupid do you think the omnipotent entity in my not-quite-trousers is? You seem to be missing your own jewels.
Hoggle: I know I'm a coward and I need to grow some balls—
Jareth: No, seriously, you're missing the treasures hanging between your legs.
Hoggle: …
Jareth: Damn this movie for making me a walking innuendo… THOSE SHINY THINGS ARE GONE.
Hoggle: … crap. But the lady first!
Jareth: As Head Dick of this story—
The Crotch: No, that's me.
Jareth: — I have a better, more sinister idea. Fresh fruit!
Dramatic Chord: *plays*
Hoggle: … a peach? Really? Not a pointed stick or something?
John Cleese: *appears out of nowhere* Oh, we want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? Well, I'll tell you something, my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! *disappears*
Jareth: Knew we couldn't get through this without at least three Python references….
My Voice: Hey, I'm doing well this time around! At least there haven't been references to any other 80's cult movies!
Hoggle: I won't hurt her! I love h—
Jareth: HANDS OFF MY WOMAN! You look like a living, breathing tumor and I'm David Freaking Bowie in really tight pants. I think I know which one she'd choose.
*At this point, I am once again distracted from the goings on by another lovely shot of Jareth's assets. I think Hoggle was whining and Jareth was talking about making him reek for all eternity, but I can't be sure because I, too, was under the spell of The Crotch*
That One Freak: Have I mentioned lately that you scare me?
The Crotch: You're still resisting? ZOMBIE FANGIRL MINIONS, ATTACK!
Most of the Audience: *attacks her*
The Crotch: *laughs maniacally and releases us from its spell. When we come back to our senses, Jareth is gone and we're following Sarah through a strangely sparkly forest*
Set Designers: Hehehehe… glitter….
Sarah: I don't like this ominous silence.
*And now it's time for a….*
Fieries: BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!
Sarah: What's going on? Why have the special effects suddenly taken a nosedive?
Jim Henson: Do you want to try green-screen editing strands of fluff?
Fiery: Ain't got no purpose!
Fieries: No purpose!
Fiery: Ain't got no reason!
Fieries: No reason!
Fiery: Ain't got any mention of our existence after this!
Sarah: I've got to get out of here, this is without doubt the worst song in this movie.
Fieries: What? How dare you insult us? Off with her head!
*Sarah runs like hell, right into a stone wall*
Fieries: Now we've got you! Come on, boys, let's show her that Big Lipped Alligators have teeth!
*Just when it looks like there's nowhere for our heroine to turn, Hoggle conveniently shows up with a conveniently placed rope. Isn't that convenient?*
Hoggle: Come on, quick, before Elmo's evil minions get you!
*She doesn't need telling twice*
Sarah: Hoggle! You actually did something constructive! You deserve a kiss!
Hoggle: No! No! Noooooo! Bowie's Crotch decreed that I stay away from you! Nooooooo!
*Sarah doesn't listen to a word he's saying and plants a wet one on his cheek. Jareth is presumably going berserk about now, and sends them both plummeting through the floor in to the Stinky Place of Doom*
Hoggle: Now you've done it! Do you ever listen to anyone else?
Sarah: Dear God, I take it back about this being a weak threat! I think the audience can smell it from home!
Audience: Nope, sorry, all we have to go on is your horrible overacting and the sounds of flatulence coming from that green goop below you.
Hoggle: Oh, yeah, the green goop. Don't step in it or you'll smell like this stuff. Which, come to think of it, you'd deserve because this is your fault.
Sarah: For what? Being noble?
Hoggle: No, going against Bowie's wishes and kissing me!
Sarah: But we're friends! Don't all friends engage in blatant PDA?
Hoggle: No! And I'm not your friend, I'm a selfish greedy bastard who wants his things back. And I have to attack you with fresh fruit.
*Before Sarah can question this, they fall off the wall, somehow avoiding the bog, and land on top of Ludo who is down there for no real reason. Maybe Jareth was REALLY pissed and determined to punish everyone. I don't know.*
Ludo: Smeeeeell….
Hoggle: HOLY CRAP IT'S A KILLER ORANGUTANG IT'S GONNA EAT ME AAAAAAAAAAH!
Sarah: It's okay, he's my friend too. It's good to have some teeth and claws on your side. Now, let's head over to this conveniently placed bridge!
Hoggle: You'd really think Jareth would have done something about the fact that there's an exit to his favorite place of punishment….
*As it happens, he has. There's a little squirrel-fox-thing dressed like something out of Shakespeare holding a stick! The horror!*
Sir Didymus: Stop! This movie may not proceed without my permission!
Sarah: But I have to get better acting skills!
Sir Didymus: Not without my permission! By the way, I have no sense of smell whatsoever.
Hoggle: … I don't have time for this nonsense. *crosses while Didymus is off to the side. Why Sarah and Ludo don't follow is beyond me*
Sir Didymus: No one may cross without my permission except him!
Sarah: I've had just about enough of this. Ludo, attack!
*This fight needs background music in the worst way, as it's very long and boring and there's nothing to be heard except Ludo grunting*
Sir Didymus: By throwing me into a tree, you have truly proven yourself the superior being! We are now brothers! And I have still sworn that you can't cross without my permission!
Sarah: Oh, why didn't I just go while they were fighting?
Sir Didymus: I made an oath that…
Audience: WE KNOW!
Sarah: Can we have your permission?
Sir Didymus: No one's ever asked me that before… I mean… well…
Jareth: Get on with it!
Fieries: Get on with it!
Ballroom Dancers: GET ON WITH IT!
Sir Didymus: … yes.
Sarah: Wow. That was a lot easier than we made it out to be. Why did no one else ever think of that?
My Voice: Beats me. Goblins are stupid, I guess.
Sir Didymus: Don't worry, this bridge has lasted for centuries!
*It promptly falls as soon as she's halfway across*
Sir Didymus: … of course, no one has ever gone across before.
Ludo: RAAAAAR!
*Ludo's voice, which holds the power of deus ex machina, calls up a path of rocks, which Sarah drops onto and crosses to the safety on the other side*
Sir Didymus: Now that that diversion is over… on we go!
Hoggle: Do you have any motivation to help her out at all?
Sir Didymus: *proudly* None whatsoever! Come on Ambrosius!
*A dog that looks suspiciously like Sarah's walking mop from earlier wanders out to act as Didymus's noble steed. It repeatedly switches from real dog to Muppet throughout the movie*
Hoggle: *takes the peach out of his pocket and dangles it over the green goop*
Jareth's Disembodied Voice: Hoggle, if you throw that peach in the Bog, I will rip out your intestines through your nose and strangle you with them.
Hoggle: … meep. *he scurries on after them, and we return to the castle*
Jareth: I have your brother, I have your brother! Hahahahaha! And pretty soon, you won't remember anything, and the movie will be mine!
Sir Didymus: I'm so hungry I could eat a whole zebra!
Sarah: We're fresh out of zebra.
Hoggle: Antelope?
Ludo: Uh-uh.
Sir Didymus: Hippo?
Sarah: Listen, if you want to stay with us, you have to eat like us?
Sir Didymus: What, praytell, does that mean?
Sarah: At the moment? Nothing.
Hoggle: Sarah? I have a peach….
Sarah: Woohoo! Score one for the protagonist! *Bites into it* … Hoggle? Why is everything glittering?
Hoggle: Jareth made me do it!
*He and the other two conveniently disappear, leaving Sarah half-conscious in the forest. We cut to Jareth, who is playing with his balls again and looking rather depressed. Pretty music starts to play, and we are sucked into a bubble*
Dream Sarah: *is wearing a huge poofy glittery dress among loads of people in masks*
Dream Jareth: *is the sexiest, sparkliest pedophile ever*
Jareth and Sarah: *romantic waltz*
Jareth/Sarah Shippers: *are dead from happiness*
That One Freak: *is the only person alive who actually cares about the pedo-ness*
Me: *cannot actually make fun of this scene because it's my favorite part of any movie ever*
Sarah: Crap, I forgot! I'm jailbait! *She runs, throwing a chair and breaking both the dream bubble and Jareth's heart. Good job, idiot*
Hoggle: God, I'm a douchebag… I only had one friend… now I'm back to nothing…. *angst angst angst*
Sarah: What just happened? Was that peach drugged?
Junk Lady: Watch where you're going, brat!
My Voice: God, you piss me off. Can we go back to the roofie peaches?
Junk Lady: Of course not! I have your teddy bear! That's what this movie was about, of course!
Sarah: Oh, thank you. I'll just follow you, because you're not in the least suspicious.
*And we're back in the Chamber of Foreshadowing, which isn't really foreshadowing anymore because there's only one thing we haven't seen yet*
Sarah: It was only a dream! Just like Dorothy, or Alice! I should have known, all these otherworld fantasy type movies end up being dreams, don't they? *goes to the door, expecting a hallway. Instead…*
Junk Lady: Pull the other one, it's got bells on!
Sarah: … crap. Does this mean I'm going to be in huge trouble with The Crotch for running away from the ballroom?
Junk Lady: Probably. If it'll help, I'll just bury you alive under random crap in your room while jabbering incessantly.
Sarah: Oh, look, the Book of the Film. Through dangers untold and readings of these lines unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the Castle Beyond the Goblin City to take back the movie that you have stolen….
Junk Lady: But look! You have a music box of yourself in His Majesty's fever dream!
Sarah: This is all from my childhood! I have no room for this nonsense anymore! I have to get my acting skills!
*The whole room collapses, and Didymus and Ludo are there for some reason to pull her out of the piles of junk*
Sir Didymus: My lady, thank goodness we found you! Look! Your acting skills lie right through those gates!
Sarah: … hot diggity, I'm there!
Guards: *are asleep. Good job, Jareth, way to hire competent servants*
Sir Didymus: I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!
Sarah: … shut up. Just shut up.
*They head through the gates without being bothered, until they get to another gate. This one is guarded by the same thing as every fantasy castles… a giant robot!*
Giant Robot: RAAR!
Sarah: … why not a dragon or something? What the hell, Jareth?
Ambrosius: … arf! *runs away*
Sir Didymus: I am more interested in my image than actually saving our lives! Get back here, dog!
Ludo: Grrr…
Sarah: Oh, no, we're all too useless to get past this thing!
Hoggle: Is it time for my redemption? BANZAI! *he divebombs the robot, throws the goblin inside to the ground, and almost cuts Sarah's head off with the axe*
Sarah: This is not redemption!
*Finally, though, Hoggle manages to blow up the robot, which is one way to stop it, I guess*
Hoggle: I know very few characters with redemptions actually survive, and I'm probably going to get impaled with something in about twenty seconds, but it's Jareth's fault and I don't like you anyway.
Sarah: … relax, I forgive you. Redemption granted.
Sir Didymus: And I think you're very brave for going along with the villain's plans when it meant putting her in danger just to save your own skin.
Hoggle: Awesome, let's go be heroes!
*Somehow, he manages to survive his redemption*
Snape, Norrington, Axel, and Other Such Victims of Redemption: This is so not fair….
*Back in the throne room of The Crotch….*
Goblin: Your Royal Dickness! We all screwed up, and the protagonist is on her way to infiltrate your lair!
Jareth: Stop her! Hide the baby and the acting skills! Call out the guards, by order of my Crotch!
Sir Didymus: It's quiet…
Hoggle: Too quiet….
Sarah: Nonsense! This complete nonagression means I'm going to win easily!
Goblins: Not if we can help it!
*Things blow up. Goblins are totally worthless as guards. Jareth watches from on high as his army destroys everything but what he told them to. The Crotch mourns the incompetence of its slaves. Nothing interesting enough to mock happens. Finally, the theme music plays and Sarah steps into the throne room*
Sarah: Why is it suddenly empty?
Jim Henson: It's not empty, look there's a chicken! Hiiii, chicken!
George Lucas: You're an embarrassment.
Sarah: He must have gone that way!
Hoggle: How do you figure?
Sarah: It's the only door here besides the one we came in.
Sir Didymus: Than onward and upward!
Sarah: No, my friends! It's too dangerous! *strikes classic damsel in distress pose* I must go on… alone!
Hoggle: That line still makes people sound like an ass….
Sir Didymus: But we have to do this thing properly. If you need us, click your heels together three times.
*Sarah runs through the archway into a room designed by M.C. Escher. How anyone gets around this thing is anyone's guess, because I get dizzy watching it. Jareth appears, dressed for the occasion in very tight leather. Toby's there, too, crawling around the ceiling*
Jareth: I love you, Sarah!
Sarah: Toby! Toby, get off the ceiling!
Toby: *in baby-ese* I like it here! Jareth's a better babysitter than you, even if he does turn me into a doll and throw me!
Jareth: I really love you, Sarah!
Sarah: Toby, you hold the key to my acting skills!
Toby: *in baby-ese* You're a hopeless case!
Jareth: I really, really, really love you, Sarah!
*He sighs and retreats to the corner, making the most heartbreakingly pathetic facial expression I've ever seen*
Sarah: If even the baby thinks I'm past help… SCREW THIS, I'M KILLING MYSELF!
*She jumps from a great height, but instead of splattering, she floats gently down into the wreckage of something. Toby is nowhere to be found, but Jareth and his Crotch are back with a vengeance*
Most of the Audience: !
That One Freak: Jesus Christ, those white leggings aren't hiding anything!
Most of the Audience: I know, isn't it great? *giggle*
The Crotch: At last! I have corrupted the mind of That One Freak! The world is MINE! *maniacal laughter*
Sarah: *looking everywhere but at the crotch* Must… resist…. Must… not… be distracted… during… final… showdown….. Give me the movie back.
Jareth: I have done everything in the world for you. You asked for me to take the brat, I reordered time to give you what you want, my pants got progressively tighter throughout the movie until I think I'm about to be castrated. Aren't I generous?
Audience: Man, have you got some screwed up priorities.
Sarah: All right, this is it. The big one. The reason I've been repeating these lines over and over again.
Jareth: *stares longingly at her*
Sarah: Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the Castle Beyond the Goblin City to take back the child and the movie that you have stolen. For my will is as strong as yours, and my acting skills as great—
Jareth: Look! I'll wave my balls in your face again if you want! *does so, to no avail*
Sarah: … crap, I got distracted by his Crotch….
The Crotch: You'll never win!
Sarah: What was that line? Dammit, Crotch, stop staring at me!
The Crotch: Never! You're mine now!
Jareth: I'll give you the world if only you'll stay with me.
Sarah: I can't look at it, it'll only make me lose…
The Crotch: No mortal mind can resist my powers!
Jareth: Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave.
Most of the Audience: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
Sarah: I've got it! I've got it! You have no power over me!
The Crotch: No! No! Noooo! I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for that meddling kid!
Jareth: Damn my evil Crotch, damn it, I say! I only wanted to love you!
Most of the Audience: BYE, BOWIE! WE'D HAVE LOVED YOU!
My Voice: *cries* Why, Sarah? Why? Why are you so stupid? What kind of person would give up being the immortal queen of the world she'd always dreamed of, by the side of that gorgeous hunk of man? I know she's supposed to think like an adult now, but growing up means hormones and that means she wouldn't be able to resist The Crotch even if it wasn't sentient!
That One Freak: Calm down, Cali. Just calm down and finish this parody already.
My Voice: *sniffles* I suppose this does pave the way for angsty fanfiction….
*But the clock chimes and sends Sarah back home, where Owl Jareth flies off into the angsty blackness that is so very like his soul*
Toby: *in baby-ese* Is the interesting stuff over? Fine, I'm going back to sleep.
Sarah: Here. Have my teddy bear. It's a peace offering.
Toby: *in baby-ese* A real peace offering would have been letting me stay with the good babysitter, bitch.
Father: We're home at midnight, just like we said! Thirteen hours in that magical place only translated to four here!
George Lucas: … what?
Jim Henson: It's freaking magic, okay?
*Suddenly, Sarah begins to hallucinate random things into her mirror*
Ludo: Goodbye, Sarah….
Sir Didymus: That heel-clicking thing still stands, you know.
Hoggle: If you need us for any reason at all…
Sarah: *kicks back into her old ACTING* But I do! I do need you! All of you, no matter what you did to me!
Hoggle: Well, why didn't you say so? It's PARTY TIME!
*And so it is. The Fieries who tried to decapitate her, the goblins who tried to shoot her, the dwarf who betrayed her, the fox thing who held her up, everyone's there to celebrate Sarah's victory, and she forgives every single one*
Owl Jareth: *watches from the window* What about me? This really isn't fair.
*He flies away to sulk to the wonderful strains of a reprise to Magic Dance. Why? Search me. And now, it's time for me and the other J/S shippers to write angsty fanfiction. Because it seems like that was the purpose of the movie. Farewell, dear reader, and may The Crotch be with you*