Twist In My Sobriety, a battlestar galactica: 2003 fanfic

Authors Note:

Songfic based on Road Less Travelled. Song is "Twist in my Sobriety" by Tanita Tikaram.

Set during the episode. What happened between Leoben being taken to kara's room and him helping her paint.

I don't own BSG or any of it's characters.

Twist In My Sobriety.

I'm staring at him again. We seem to keep coming back to our staring matches. When we first met in a Galactica interrogation room; the dinner table on New Caprica. It's not a battle of wills. It's not a power play. Either he has all the power or I do.

Something is different, I know it is. I brought him here. Why did I bring him here?

I remember New Caprica. There's absolutely no reason why I shouldn't shoot him right here. I've killed him before.

Except I brought him here. Onto the ship... INTO MY ROOM for frack's sake.

All God's children need traveling shoes
Drive your problems from here
All good people read good books
Now your conscience is clear
I hear you talk girl
Now your conscience is clear

Please, gods... give me back my clarity. I felt it strongest when I was in my Viper. I knew he was out there. It was so strong I could feel the hairs on my arms standing up.

I need that feeling back. It's not Leoben, it's me. It's something elemental. Cain called it being a Razor. When the war started, I was in a twenty year old Viper, and still the Cylons had no chance. I was beyond a human in a machine. I was mercurial; I was a force of nature. The right hand of the vengeful Lords of Kobol. I was in the zone and riding fire.

But now that feeling is dead. That clarity is gone, and I'm in my room, in a ship that stinks of reclaimed sewerage, looking for something that shouldn't exist, looking for it by instinct; wondering if I'm simply insane, staring across the room at Leoben. Leoben of all people!

"How did you find us?" I ask him as soon as I come into the room. Never let Leoben have the first word. A lesson I learned the hard way.

Leoben smiles at me. I hate that smile. "You found me, remember?"

I do remember, and it scares me more than anything that's happened yet.

"Why were you out here so far on your own?" I ask him.

"The Hybrid. It spoke to me, and told me to bring you." he says. "But more than that, I didn't know. There has been a great deal of chaos in our fleet now Kara. I took a ship and came out here. Beyond that, I just had to trust what the hybrid said." He gives me such a proud look that the hairs on my arms raise again. "And then you came and found me. I knew you would."

In the morning when I wipe my brow
Wipe the miles away
I like to think I can be so willed
And never do what you say
I'll never hear you
And never do what you say

"We weren't looking for you." I tell him shortly. "We're out here on a mission, totally unrelated to you."

"How is Kacey?" he asks me suddenly. I hate it when he does that. Suddenly jumps the subject forward. The rest of us have to catch up.

I fell myself go cold all over. Furious heat rises savagely to face it. "You really don't want to bring up Kacey right now."

"Is she alright?" The miserable son of a circuit board actually sounds concerned.

"She's fine." I spit back. "She's healthy and living happily back at the fleet with her mother."

"You still talk to her?"

"Yes." Why did I say that? I didn't mean to say that.

Leoben doesn't even blink. I guess embarrassment is not the program. "That's good. I didn't know if her first mother was alive. But I knew you wouldn't want her to be an orphan. So I brought her back to our home."

I punch him. I've done it before. Real short and fast, just above the cheekbones. the spot that makes you see stars for a few minutes.

He takes it without flinching and stands himself up again. "There was a time, back on New Caprica, when you would have given her away to a total stranger without hesitation. Back when I first introduced her to you, you wouldn't even refer to Kacey as a person. I remember, because you begged for something for the first time. You begged me. You said 'don't leave me alone with it'."

I remember. I hate myself for that. I wouldn't even stay in the same room as that... that adorable little girl... I locked myself in the bathroom till she fell down the stairs.

Look my eyes are just holograms
Look your love has drawn red from my hands
From my hands you know you'll never be
More than twist in my sobriety
More than twist in my sobriety
More than twist in my sobriety

Leoben has a look of utter serenity that makes all us career frack-ups want to scream. "Kara, I apologize for lying to you." He says. "It was necessary."

Wow. What an odd feeling. It's like a little bubble of rage just popped in my brain. "Necessary?" I don't recognize my own voice.

"Kara, I told you once, that you had a destiny. That you would show your people the way to their new home. Your purpose is to find Earth for your people. My purpose is to help you realize your destiny. All the games, all the arguments, everything was to help you reach that goal."

"Even Kacey?"

"Even Kacey. Kara, you are important. You are touched by destiny, and now you're fulfilling it at last. But you're a mess." He rubs his head where I socked him and smiles at me. "Despite what you may think Kara, we weren't there because I wanted to play 'house'. I thought I could get you there alone. I thought I could convince you to accept my help by myself, but... well, let's just say that after I died the fourth time I decided to change tactics. You needed clarity. I gave you that. Kacey gave you that."

"Clarity? I've never drunk so much hard liquor in my life." I all but spit on him.

Leoben actually laughs. "Not then you didn't. Not when Kacey was with us. Remember after she fell? She had that bandage around her head, and you apologized for leaving her alone? She reached up and grabbed your finger, asked you to stay with her."

I have a lump in my throat. That was a pretty nice moment. "Stop."

"You tucked her in every night, made sure she ate well, read her bedtime stories... tell me you weren't her mother."

"Stop it."

"When Adama came back, did you even hesitate before charging back into the warzone to find her?"

"No."

"That's clarity Kara. That was certainty." He says, slow and hypnotic. "You didn't even consider the danger. It was your purpose, worth more to you than life itself."

He reaches out and runs a hand over my arm. I don't pull away. "When did you lose that clarity Kara?"

I lick my lips. "When we got back to the ship."

"What happened then?"

"Kacey's mom... found us..."

I think about the moment when I was about to introduce her as my daughter. Introduce her to Sam, and Lee... then this woman just comes along and takes her right out of my hands.

"You would have given anything if I had been telling the truth right then wouldn't you?" Leoben says, reading my face. "It wouldn't even have bothered you if I had been her father."

I punch him again. Quick uppercut to the jaw, just in the right place to make his lower teeth smash into his upper teeth.

"You've cut your hair." He says from the floor, changing the subject again. "I like it. Reminds me of when we first met."

I don't bother to try playing catch-up to his new track. I kick him.

He groans and sits up. "So does that."

We just poked a little empty pie
For the fun that people had at night
Late at night don't need hostility
Timid smile and pause to free

"Kara, let me help you. I came here, proposing an alliance between my people and yours. You know we're searching for Earth too. We can find it. You and me. For your people and mine."

"Bull." I tell him. "You're here proposing an alliance because you're running from your own people in mortal terror and need a hiding place." I fire back. "I am not going to your Base Star. We are not. You probably won't live out the night. And this time when you go out the airlock, you won't come back."

Leoben chuckles. "The one guy you haven't ruined yet; finally converted to the cult."

I don't care about their different thoughts
Different thoughts are good for me
Up in arms and chaste and whole
All God's children took their toll

"I'm not going with you." I repeat.

Leoben gives a long suffering sigh. "Then I'll help you here. There's more than one road you can take. Following the road less traveled is harder, but if you insist. It's your destiny. It's my mission. You're working on it already, no reason I can't help you with this." he waves over at the painting.

"No." I say shortly.

"Why not?"

"Cause I hate you."

Leoben smiles. I hate that smile.

"There was a time..." He said, slow and hypnotic. "When you hated me and you still called for my help, held my hand, and thanked me honestly. You hated me then too."

Kacey. When Kacey was hurt. I felt so guilty for leaving her alone; and when I saw her looking so tiny and hurt, I didn't even think twice before shouting for Leoben to come and help her.

My mom wouldn't have called for help if I had fallen down the stairs. At least I'm better than her. I'm a better mother than she was...

...

...FRACK!

I hate this. I hate thinking like this. I hate that he makes me think about these things.

"Kara." He says softly. "Kacey, was the only lie I have ever told you."

"The hell it is."

"I told you, that you would find Kobol, and that Kobol would show you the way to Earth." He starts listing on his fingers. "Was I wrong?"

No. He wasn't wrong. I don't dare say it out loud, but he was right.

"I told you, that one day, on New Caprica, you would hold me in your arms, and tell me that you loved me." Slow and hypnotic. This is the Leoben I know. "Did you?"

I can feel my stomach churning again. "To get Kacey back I would have said it to Colonel Tigh."

Leoben laughs at that. "Did I say you would mean it?"

That one takes me by surprise and I replay that night on New Caprica. "No." I admit. He did not say that at all.

I don't want to be doing this. I don't want to talk to Leoben. I didn't bring any booze with me this time, and talking to Leoben always led to drinking.

"And I told you, that you had a destiny. I told you, that you would lead the fleet to Earth."

That's it.

"Shut up! I don't believe in your God, I don't believe in your damn riddles, I don't believe in you, and I DON'T BELIEVE IN DESTINY, AND NOTHING YOU CAN FRAKKING SAY WILL CHANGE MY FRAKKING MIND!" I'm a little bit insane by now, but he tends to bring that out in me.

he drops the spooky hypnotist voice and levels a frank gaze at me. "Why else are we here Kara?"

I almost swallow my tongue. I really hate it when he does that. He's right. We're out here because I believed I could find Earth, guided by... what? Gut instinct? Muscle memory? Pictures in my head? The Hand of God? What is it? How did I survive?

Cup of tea, take time to think, yeah
Time to risk a life, a life, a life
Sweet and handsome
Soft and porky
You pig out 'til you've seen the light
Pig out 'til you've seen the light

I want to tell him that he's wrong. I want to scream that he's lying, that he doesn't know what he's talking about... but everything he's said is hitting home. The only evidence I had was that I saw it, and even that makes no sense, even to me. In fact, if this were happening to anybody else, I'd be the first one in the 'Shoot her' category.

We followed Roslin into deep space because we believed in Earth. I disobeyed the Old man himself and stole the raider to go back for that stupid arrow. Half the fleet chased me because we believed in that woman. Would it have been so hard for her to believe in me just a little?

Half the people read the papers
Read them good and well
Pretty people, nervous people
People have got to sell
News you have to sell

"Why are we here Kara? If you weren't looking for me, then you were here for something else." He looks at me again. Lords, point those eyes somewhere else. "One ship alone? Under your command? Why? What are you looking for?"

Leoben is right. What else am I here for, if not to follow my impossible instincts, like it's something I'm destined to do.

"Earth is out there. I saw it." I'm whispering. "I saw it and I found my way home, and I can't tell them how I got there!"

Leoben has a look of absolute joy. "Really? You saw it?"

I nod my head.

He licks his lips. "Wow. Kara, that's fantastic."

I hate him. Why couldn't Adama have reacted like this?

He leans forward eagerly. "What was it like?"

I hate him. Why couldn't have Roslin asked me that?

"It was..." I can hear my voice answering him, and I will myself to stop talking. "It was beautiful. It was blue and green. It was so alive. I could see huge patches of lights on the land, cities and people... It had white clouds in swirls around the land, and the colors were so intense compared to the colonies..."

"Sounds like the promised land to me." He looks so proud of me. "Kara, that's wonderful. I knew you could do it. I knew you'd find it!"

"Well you're the only one." Oh damnit, that was the wrong, Wrong, WRONG thing to say to this man.

"Really? The others don't believe you?" He can't believe that. "All the time your people have spent praying for it, all the effort and death your people have gone through, and one of their chosen daughters actually sees it with their own eyes, they won't take it that one step further?"

Stop it. Stop reading my mind.

"I... I can't find my way back." I confess.

He looks over his shoulder at the painting on the wall. "That's what you're out here for. Why we've been brought back together now. You need someone to help you." Leoben looks sympathetic suddenly and puts a hand on my shoulder softly. "We'll find it. Together."

"Together?" I shake his hand off sharply. "We aren't on the same team!"

"We never were, but we've got the same goal."

I hate him. I do need help. The picture in my head is such a weak and fragile thing. But I can't ask the others here for help because if they knew I didn't have a clue where I was going...

Why am I talking to him about this? Because I'm an idiot of course.

No, it's because there's nobody else on this ship I can tell. If I told them all that I was lost, they'd insist on going back to the Galactica. Just because that's the smart logical thing to do... Even Sam. he'd want to take me home, to my nice cozy brig. I've spent more time in hack than my bunk, but at least I knew why those times...

But Leoben... if I told him I had a vague feeling, he's steal a ship to make sure I could follow it. Him and his frakking devotion to my 'destiny'. Frack, I hate that word so much now.

"Let me help you." He says, soft and reasonable. "Let me help you find the way back."

"No." I say shortly.

"Why not?"

"Cause I hate you."

"That didn't stop you before."

Look my eyes are just holograms
Look your love has drawn red from my hands
From my hands you know you'll never be
More than twist in my sobriety
More than twist in my sobriety

I want to tell him about how I'm supposed to be dead. About how I died two months ago. But I don't. The memory of that freefall is still pretty intense. Memories of him, showing me my mom as she died... But then, he doesn't know about that does he? He couldn't. If he knew, he would have brought it up right?

I hate to admit it, but he was right about one thing. He's the only one that I haven't destroyed one way or another.

Zak loved me. I got him killed. Adama believed in me. I ruined both his sons and made him feel like garbage in return. Lee loved me. Don't even want to think about the ways I blew that one. And Sam... Aw Sam...

Leoben I hate. We all of us have our Cylons to despise in particular. Leoben is mine.

But at least I don't feel guilty over the ways I ripped his body apart with my knife. My life with Leoben was pointless but it was the most honest I'd been with anyone. And he kept coming back. Not a scar on him, no fear or loathing in his eyes, just endless patience. I hate him for that. If he was anybody else I'd probably love him for it. But I hate him and what he did to me.

I hate him, but I need his help. I don't have to stop hating him to accept his help.

Just keep telling yourself that Kara. You need some help to find your way back to Earth. Leoben is the only one willing to offer you any kind of help right now. Just keep telling yourself.

I hate him, but I need his help. I don't have to stop hating him to accept his help.

Leoben is standing between me and the painting. He reaches down, to help me stand.

And I reach out to take his hand.

Look my eyes are just holograms
Look your love has drawn red from my hands
From my hands you know you'll never be
More than twist in my sobriety
More than twist in my sobriety

He's standing closer now; my brush is doing detail work. Did I make one of these on new Caprica? I don't think so. If I had, he would have used it to get inside my head, more than he did anyway. So how is he painting it so perfectly with me?

He's edging closer still, but I don't care. I've got the energy back, like there's electricity pouring from my hands, blazing behind my eyes. Gods, my eyes must have the same look as his now. Like we've seen this all before and exist outside the universe it's in. When I went out to find his Heavy Raider, I don't even remember getting into my suit. I don't even remember take off. I only remember the certainty. The surety of it. That I would find something was an absolute.

There's a half-life to these things. I have to bring Adama and Roslin a clear map to Earth. If I go back to the fleet without it, I'm profoundly screwed. The crew here is ready to toss me out the airlock with Leoben, and if I don't find Earth fast for them, I'm equally screwed.

If I go back to Adama without Earth, after all this...

But I'm not worried about that. Earth is here. I can feel it coming out of my pores. I'm breathing Earth. I'm tasting Earth. It's mine. I know where it is.

Leoben was right. He said I would show them the way.

I really hate it when he's right.

I hate him, but I need his help. I don't have to stop hating him to accept his help.

We're painting like one mind with four hands. I don't even recognize the picture... I don't think my eyes are even focusing on it, but my hands are making it happen. His hand is over mine, holding me steady so that I can add minute details without losing my stance or my grip. We are in synch, and I'm not sick about it.

It'll never happen. Cause I hate him. For all his talk about destiny and the future, I still hate him.

I hate him, but I need his help. I don't have to stop hating him to accept his help.

Gods it is good to be sure of something again.

And now it's back. Now I've got the focus back. This brush is not an extension of me any more. There is no thought in my head, not an unusual feeling, but now...

Clarity. It's so perfect it's painful. I knew he was out there. I know Earth is this way. I know that I need more yellow paint.

Leoben already has the paint out for me. I dip my brush in the cup and keep going. I don't even look at the cup as I do. I'm beyond that.

I'm in the zone and riding fire.

He's moving a little closer to me now, touching up my details. He's not looking at me. He doesn't say anything for once. he doesn't have to. We're beyond that too.

He has a hand around my waist while we work together in a surreal harmony. A heartwarming little domestic scene. if I'd seen it, I'd have slapped him. Hard. With a fry pan. A heavy one. Preferably full of hot oil.

But for now I can live with it. We're hip to hip and working like crazy.

I hate him, but I need his help. I don't have to stop hating him to accept his help.

The door opens, and in comes Sam, gun drawn. "HEY! GET AWAY FROM HER!"

No, dammit Sam, this is the point! Don't you get it? It's coming now! Don't interrupt!

Leoben is dragged out of the room. He's still smiling, always smiling, and always calm. I don't care. I've got my path now.

Leoben believes in me. He believes I will find the way to Earth. He believed it long before I did. My surrogate dad had to be guilted into giving me one ship. The Commander in Chief, a woman for whom I endured Caprica, the Farms, a mutiny, and damn dear dying to bring some stupid talisman of the gods; doesn't want to believe I'm even human. Sam thinks I'm nuts too.

Leoben of all people...

I hate him, but I need his help. I don't have to stop hating him to accept his help.

I don't need to go with him; I sure as hell don't need to visit the Hybrid.

And I still hate him. All is well.

He was right. I don't have to stop hating him before I can have him around. Not if the stakes are high enough. And Earth is so much bigger than Kacey...

I hate it when he's right.

But what I hate most is that he doesn't hate me too.

Look my eyes are just holograms
Look your love has drawn red from my hands
From my hands you know you'll never be
More than twist in my sobriety
More than twist in my sobriety

More than twist in my sobriety