"This was supposed to be my weekend off."
- Will Smith, Independence Day
I never wanted to be standing out here at 10:32 at night in January 2001 freezing my balls off in the middle of the 1300 intersection of Market Street, but those clowns from the Highwaymen apparently couldn't fit "Allow the Fine Men and Women of the Metro City Police Force to Enjoy a Peaceful Night's Sleep with Their Goddamn Motherfucking Families" into their busy schedules. I swear to God Strand better double my pension. I'm missing the new episode of SeaQuest Mariana for this shit.
Now I'm even more pissed off because I can see the car coming in the distance. That's right, you Outfit stooge. You think you're such a hotshot in your stupid Mitsubishi GTO with those stupid pop-up headlights. I could really take a sledgehammer to those things right about now.
"All units to barricade positions."
That's Marvin pretending he's important on the megaphone. Man, I really hate him sometimes.
We load our semi-automatics and aim over the wall. That moron is peeling straight toward us. In fantasyland, I turn and blow Marvin away with my shotgun and then zip back around to shoot that Outfit scumbag off the road. In reality, I stand in line like a geek and wait for my signal.
The Highwayman is still flooring it despite the fact he has about 20 double barrels pointed at his car. Mr. Big Bad I-Just-Broke-Into-the-Vectrocom-Building-and-Stole-Some-Satellite-Crap-Nobody-Cares-About, leader of the discount version of those German guys from Die Hard.
"Fall back! Fall back!"
But what about your brilliant plan, General Custer?
We all scatter from the wall. The shithead slams on his brakes and drifts into a U-turn at the last second. I guess he used one of his three brain cells to figure out he'd be killing himself along with us if he crashed into us. He burns some rubber in our faces and peels back up the way he came. He thinks he's David Hasselhoff, but he's more like Desi Arnaz Jr. Who did your dumb little pirate braids? Rapunzel?
"Fire! Fire!"
Oh, sure. Now he gives the order. You're so courageous when they're running away from you.
We move back to the wall and start blasting away while the Outfit goon is already out of the range of our rifles. A couple of my shells end up shattering his windows. I was trying to shatter his skull. Son of a bitch.
We keep shooting until his taillights shrink into the distance. A bunch of squad cars roll out of the barricade and pick up the chase. I came all the way out here for nothing.
I hope you get hit by a bus, you lousy bastard.
Author's note: I almost named this fanfic "Anger Management."