THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OOT:
THE MOST MESSED UP VERSION EVER!
Navi soared through the forest, having been called upon.
Navi: Yes Deku Tree???
Deku Tree (reading PlayBoy): Oh! Um, hi Navi… *hides magazine* I was just, uh…studying…yeah, studying! I was reading about the legendary goddesses…
Navi: It seemed to me that you were reading a very inappropriate magazine…
DT: Inappropriate magazine…nonsense! I was studying! You see? *Pulls out a textbook* See that?
Navi: Whatever! Anyway, what did you invite me over here for?
DT: Actually, I wanted to invite you to a long game of poker! *Puts on a visor and pulls out a bunch of rupees* How much do you got, Puny Fairy? MUAHAHAHA!
Navi (pulling out a sheet of paper): That's not in the script!
DT:*Looking embarrassed* Oh, Hehe…*hides everything* Hold on…*pulls out a sheet of paper* Okay, here we go! Luke, I am your father!
Luke (on a far away island): NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Navi: SHHHH! Quiet up! Star Wars might sue us, you imbecile!
DT: What? That's not right, either? *pulls out a new sheet* Here we go then. Let's see…three golden goddesses, blah, blah, blah…oh okay! Here we are! Navi, go seek the boy without a fairy.
Navi: Okay, I'm on it!
DT: Oh Navi, may I warn you…he's a bit slow.
Navi: Nothing I can't handle!
Navi zooms over to Link's house.
Navi: *Spotting Link on the bed* Link…Link? Get up! Can Hyrule depend on such a lazy kid?!
Link falls out of bed, getting tangled in his sheets. He pulls out a tennis racket. Link: Ah! A bug! Stay back, you!
Link is terrified of bugs.
Navi: No, I'm not a bug! I'm your new fairy! AHHH! Help!!!!!
Link swats at her with the tennis racket, and she bursts into pixie dust.
Director: You idiot! Now we'll have to call her stunt double, Tatl.
Link: What? But why, Sir?
Director: Because you destroyed her! And we can't have this game published without a fairy!
Link: But she wasn't a real fairy…
Director: Link, in your contract you agreed to work with bugs as apart of the inside of Deku Tree, remember? You must get over this fear! And besides, Navi was definitely real. She had excellent references!
Little did he know that Link was actually quite right. Navi was a big fat liar. First off, she wasn't really good. She was actually a moblin in disguise trying to lead Link to Ganondorf egged on. Also, blue wasn't her real fairy color!
***
Producer: Okay, now that we're finished with technical difficulties, the rest of the story should go pretty smoothly now…
***
Link climbs down the ladder to his tree house / box.
Saria *Running up*: Hey Link! Oh, you got a fairy! Awesome!
Link: *Gaping* Who are you again?
Saria *Now looking highly affronted*: I'm only your best friend.
Link: Sure you can be! How many other girls are there in my fan club?
Navi (who's actually Tatl but the audience is not supposed to know that): You're such a dork.
DT: Ahh, Link. So you're here. And you brought Navi too!
Navi: No, I'm actually Tatl! They just put food coloring on me to make me look blue! You see?!
DT: The audience isn't supposed to know that, dummy!
DT whacks her with a vine, and she also bursts as well.
***
Director (cussing in Japanese): Now we need Tael.
***
DT (now finally sober): There is a virus inside my mouth…I need you to go in and destroy it.
Link: Ewww! Is it contagious?
DT (an evil grin): Absolutely not. *Opens up his mouth* Now climb right in.
Mido (out of nowhere): Dang it! I was sleeping on the job! *He picks Link up and throws him*
***
Link finds himself back outside the DT meadow.
Mido: Go get a shield and sword, or you cannot pass.
Link thinks for a second, runs into his tree box, and turns on his N64. He gently lifts the left side of the cartridge and goes outside to see what happened. Everyone was frozen in place, twitching as well. Link happily made his way through Mido. He was angry to realize DT was frozen as well.
Link: Dang it! Tael, I mean…Navi! Go back and put the cartridge back down for me, then meet me back here, okay?
Tael cusses in fairy.
***
After a long and tiring journey with Link, Tael finally managed to acquire the slingshot and get past all the obstacles himself.
Link: Tael, help!
Tael sighs.
Tael: You didn't piss yourself again, did you, Link?
Link: No!
Tael takes a breath of relief, having gone through enough of that that day.
Link: This time it's crap!
Tael faints.
***
Link was terrified of the bugs. Tael promised Link he had destroyed every one.
Tael *relieved*: There's just three Deku Scrubs left that are asking for some type of code…I don't know what it is, but I think I may need your help.
…
Tael: And yes, there are no bugs!
Tael had just read Link's mind.
***
Tael: Twenty-three is number one??
Deku Scrub #2: Yes!! 23 is number 1!! I demanded to Mr. Shigeru Miyamoto that it should be "13 is number 2", or "31 is number 2", but he said it didn't make any sense that way.
Deku Scrub #3: Exactly. Us Deku Scrubs don't get paid enough for this game to shoot our nuts at Link then have them ricochet back.
Tael *wincing*: You guys have to shoot your nuts??
Deku Scrub #1: Yes!! Come on, boys. Let's go on strike.
The Deku Scrubs leave their flowers and exit.
Tael *misunderstanding the concept of "shoot" and "nuts"*: Shoot your nuts?? That's gotta hurt.
They enter the next room, which is empty.
Tael: Oh sweet!! There's nothing in here!! Hey, Link!! Let's get some rupees!!
Tael breaks the pots and gathers up the rupees that were inside.
Tael: Now we can leave. *Tael turns to see Link, who's shaking like a leaf* Huh?? Link??
Link: Um, Tael….I think I wet myself again.
Link points up at the ceiling. There is Gohma, a gigantic spider. She jumps down and slowly advances on them.
Tael takes out pepper spray and sprays her eye. She runs around like a maniac and is defeated quickly. A blue light and a heart container appear.
Tael: Link, I think we need to get you some diapers because you keep on wetting yourself.
Link: It "Depends" on what mood I'm in, Tael.
Link gets the heart container and they step into the blue light and leave.