Author's Note; Hi everyone! I'm back already. I have yet another post PPF story - please forgive but I am obsessed with the topic. This story is heavy on the angst so be forewarned.
I wrote this fairly quick and the story is shorter than my normal fare. I did not want to prolong things but it does reflect some of the angst we have all experienced with our favorite couple. Now I need to shut up.
Dedicated to: My TivaNation Friends and with special mention to Joan; thank you for your help!
Disclaimer: Don't own NCIS - wish I did - would correct a lot of blunders!
July 2014
Day in, day out he moved along. Solving cases, exchanging McBarbs with McGee, going home then turning around and starting it all over again. For years he loved it. NCIS was a place that met a need for him, that brought up his passions. This last year, it had become just a place where he could kill time. Until last week...
Their last case had shaken something in him. Two NCIS agents, agents they'd worked with here in the bullpen, had known for years; had lost their lives in a midnight raid.
Tony needed to put it out of his head, needed to get back into a rhythm but it wasn't so easy. He felt out of sync, off. He'd felt this way for awhile but that night amplified it.
The head shot that claimed one of the agents had clearly been meant for him. Tony reacted, took out the shooter a moment later and when he'd managed to regain his breath, when he'd had a moment to comprehend what had just happened... the only thing he wanted was her. His need pounded through him in that moment. It took hours to temper it, to push it down because it never really went away.
He'd spent that night at his desk. Had endured as Gibbs lectured him about how it was part of the job. Tony listened, nodded and waited for Gibbs to leave him alone. He was fully aware of the difficulties of this job but that night he needed to be here at his desk. Not because he was rattled by the near miss but because his first thought after that near miss had been of her, it had been so intense it unnerved.
If he was going to leave this world he didn't want to do it without seeing her face again. Not a picture, not a foggy dream as he woke in the morning, but her. Those beautiful eyes, rich and dark that had always seemed to capture him. Take in her sweet scent, that no perfume could capture; hear her laugh.
His desk, it was closest, he felt closest to her here. Here, where he kept her necklace, where he could see the desk she occupied for years; even if it was now littered with candy wrappers and unidentifiable wires. It was still Ziva's desk and always would be; he felt that.
Ziva would be there for him, they'd be there for each other. They'd get a drink after work. McGee had been with him the night after the funerals for that drink but he'd had to leave early to make a video chat with Delilah. Tony didn't have that luxury and if he were to admit it…he was jealous.
He'd called Ziva's cell several times until a month or so after she stayed in Israel and then he got the "this phone is disconnected" recording. She'd never answered any of his messages. Her email accounts had even been closed. He could do nothing but send her an old fashioned letter and even then where would he send it? To the grove house?
That house called to him; he loved and hated it at the same time. It was where he and Ziva finally gave into their need of each other and where she had pushed him away. He couldn't get through to her. As much as he wanted, as he tried, he couldn't reach her; convince her to find comfort in him.
Every day since that last day he was with her he carried her with him. Some days it was more obvious than others. Josh had tried to set him up on a blind date a few months ago. Tony surprised himself and showed up, after all it had been more than a year now since he'd seen and slept with Ziva. But when he'd arrived at the bar he had to make his apologies; he didn't want to touch another woman, he suddenly realized, because he might forget...forget what it was like to touch Ziva and he could still feel her on his fingertips.
Work, that was what he had needed. But today, sitting in the bullpen with Bishop typing on her laptop atop Ziva's desk, McGee updating some system or another on his computer and Gibbs up in MTAC working with the director on a New Orleans operation the team had no part of; Tony realized he needed to be away from NCIS for awhile.
He stood, opened the filing cabinet and yanked out the vacation/leave request forms. McGee glanced in his direction as he sat and started to fill them out.
"Paperwork, Tony?" McGee peered at him. "GSM subscription renewal?"
"No," Tony shook his head, "need some time off," he muttered.
"Oh," McGee pushed his chair back and rose then made his way to Tony's desk. "Where you off to?"
"I hear there are a lot of festivals in New England now," Bishop offered, "maybe a trip up the coast?"
"I'm not sure yet," Tony answered absently, directing his answer more to McGee than Bishop. "Somewhere warm I think."
"Yeah, Tony," McGee patted him on the back before he went to retake his seat, "don't forget the suntan lotion."
"So when you leaving?" Bishop asked.
"Everything seems quiet here. I'm thinking I'll start right away," with that Tony took the paperwork, went upstairs and entered MTAC.
A short conversation later he had Gibbs' signature and the Director's approval for this two week vacation. Vance even wished him fun and commented that the whole team might benefit from a vacation especially since they had enough overtime/compt time to upset the agency budget. Tony took his leave not wanting to hear the argument between Vance and Gibbs about budgets.
He went back to his desk, said goodbye to McGee and Bishop, grabbed his stuff and a little something extra from his desk. McGee told him to keep his cell near and at least send him a text letting him know all was well. Tony smiled but didn't answer then went home. He wasn't fooling himself he knew exactly where he wanted to go and as soon as he stepped foot through his front door he fired up his laptop and booked a trip to Israel.
He rushed, as he managed a flight that left in a few hours. Tony packed a bag, grabbed his passport and had the doorman call him a taxi. The ride to the airport was a blur...he vaguely heard the news reports the cabbie was listening to about Gaza and Israel and possible war.
His first thought when the news penetrated his foggy brain was how would it affect Ziva? Would she go back to work? Was she working again with Mossad? He had no way of knowing. He didn't think so but couldn't rule it out. It had been nearly a year now.
The thoughts rolled around in his brain as he checked in at the airport, made his way through TSA and found his gate. As he waited in the airport lounge for his flight to board he wasn't sure what exactly he was going to do. He had no way of knowing if Ziva was anywhere in Israel at the moment but somehow Israel was closer to her. He knew he couldn't contact Orli as he probably used up all his goodwill with her the last time he went searching for his lost ninja. But the house could be enough.
He wanted to see that grove house again. He hoped when he knocked on the door that she would answer like she did last time and that this time she'd realize that being away from him wasn't such a good idea.
It was wishful thinking and Tony knew that. He could find Ziva married, pregnant and living the life she always wanted without him. But maybe, maybe she's been waiting for him? He had to go; even if she wasn't there, he needed to feel closer to her.
Tony boarded the plane, remembered the last time and hoped somehow, something would be different. "Please, Ziva," he muttered to himself as he stared out the window into the darkness, "find peace with me."
Many hours later, the plane landed and Tony realized he'd slept most of the flight. He grabbed his carry-on, washed up in the Tel-Aviv airport men's room and headed to baggage claim for his other bag. To his relief there were no Mossad officers waiting to escort him to headquarters.
He got his luggage and headed to rent a car with a GPS. He'd been lost in Israel a few too many times already but he thought he remembered the way to the grove house. But before he'd head out there he decided to check Eli's former residence in Tel-Aviv. He drove over there, to the swanky townhouse behind a guarded gate. The moment he drove up he wondered if she was there would she turn him away?
"Hi," he started as the guard exited his small gate house.
"Mr. DiNozzo," the guard, Josef he recalled, said. "Nice to see you again."
Tony remembered generously paying Josef for any information on Ziva when he was looking for her last year and Josef rooting for him to find his lady.
"How are you, Josef," Tony grinned. "By chance would Miss David-"
"I am sorry, Mr. DiNozzo but Miss David is not in residence. The townhouse has been empty since May," Josef informed.
"May?" Tony turned more towards Josef, "How was she in May?"
"She looked fine," Josef answered. "She was only here a month or so. She came in and out alot. Perhaps visiting friends or shopping? She was traveling before May. I was here when the taxi brought her home from the airport. But I haven't seen her return since she left...let me check" he glanced through a large book in the guard house for several minutes before returning to Tony. "May 29th was the last day she was in residence here. And before you ask, no, I do not know where she is."
Tony nodded.
"If I knew," Josef continued, "I would tell you."
Tony heard what Josef left unsaid. That he wanted love to win. So did Tony.
"Thanks, Josef," Tony grabbed a few dollars from his wallet but Josef waved it away. "I hope to see you again."
Tony pulled out of the complex and decided it was time to head to the house. Thing was, Ziva had inherited a number of properties throughout Israel and he'd visited most of them. But the grove house, that was where he wanted to go first. Was he really looking for her again? He'd need McGee to help track her. If he didn't find her at the Grove House he'd call McGee. What use was it to hide it anymore? McGee was fully aware of his feelings for Ziva anyway - was there really any hiding it?
Yes, Tony thought as he moved onto the highway, he needed to see her again. Know for sure one way or another if there was a chance for them. He simply needed to see her or else he'd never find his own peace.
Tony made a few stops on the way to the house. He ate, got gas and bought a small music box that played "As Time Goes By." The metal box had the words, "Mad for Movies," written on the top and Tony couldn't resist. At least it would always remind Ziva of him. Part of his evil plan if she still needed more space.
Tony gripped the steering wheel tighter as the house came into view. He pulled the car to a stop a few feet away from the front door. He exited his rental and walked over to the door. Tony noticed that there wasn't another car parked here like there was last time he'd found her here.
He tried the doorknob but it was clearly locked and then he knocked.
"Ziva?" he called out then listened. No one was here.
Tony took a deep breath and stepped back, he hadn't realized how much he had wanted to find her here waiting for him. He moved back to the car and grabbed his water bottle from the cup holder. He took a long swig then put it back in the holder.
He nodded to himself before he walked around the house. The smell of oranges scenting the air. He noticed a lounge chair with a blue cushion, a small wicker table next to it and a large umbrella shading it parked near the house's rear door. It hadn't been here last time and he wondered how long ago Ziva had placed it there?
A momentary pang of guilt hit him as he realized he found a measure of comfort in the fact it was a single chair. She had not shared this space with anyone else it seemed.
Tony's eye then drifted to the spot she'd buried her "I Will" note. It would be so unethical to dig it up and see if it contained a clue to her whereabouts. Yeah, unethical.
She knows nothing is safe around me, he reasoned then nodded. Tony moved over to the small shed behind the house where he'd seen her grab the tools to bury the thing in the first place, opened it and took out a small shovel. He went over to the spot and started digging without any remorse. A short while later he hit the box, brushed the dirt away and pulled it out.
Tony took it over to the lounge chair and set it on the small table before he went to the water hose and washed off his hands. When he returned to the box he took a moment, a moment to consider just how mad she would be and decided it was worth it. He dried his hands on his pants then opened the box. Tony found the paper she'd stuffed in there and pulled it out then carefully unfolded it.
What he read confused him:
I Will...
spare him.
spare them.
"What?" Tony muttered out loud. "What the hell does that mean, Ziva? Spare me what? Cause I know you are talking about me. What? This journey of self loathing you are on?" God, Ziva it's time to stop this."
Tony put the note back in the box before he rubbed his face then looked up. He turned as he heard a car pull to a stop, rushed around the house thinking it was her but was disappointed when he saw an unfamiliar man and woman exiting the car; the man pulling a bag of groceries from the back seat.
"Shalom," said the dark-haired woman wearing blue slacks and a beige blouse.
"Shalom," Tony greeted, "I'm sorry I don't actually speak Hebrew."
"Oh," she said with a thick accent, "American?"
"Yes," Tony confirmed. "I was...I was looking for Ziva David. This is still her house?"
"Yes it is," the man answered as he closed the car's door. He was tall, also with dark hair and tan skin and wore a white linen shirt. "Who are you?"
"My name is Tony DiNozzo," he started, "I'm a friend of Ziva's. Do you know where she is?"
"Tony?" the woman repeated clearly surprised. "Umm," she looked to the man then back at him.
Tony took a step forward, peering at them quizzically.
"My name is Adina and this is Mendel," she said, "we take care of things here."
"Oh, caretakers," Tony glanced at the house then back at them, "would you know how to contact Ziva then?"
"I have heard her mention your name," Adina said. "I think she will be happy to see you."
"So you can help me?" Tony moved closer to her, suddenly hopeful.
Mendel touched Adina's arm and Adina smiled at him, "she would want to see her friend, no?" she said as she tilted her head at Mendel.
Tony was instantly worried that this Mendel would talk Adina out of giving him the information he needed and took this moment to touch Adina's other arm, "I think she'd want to see me. We have been very close friends a very long time. She's just been out of reach to me for a while and I really need to see her again. Please."
Tony pulled out his cell from his jean's pocket and quickly swiped it on and scrolled to the photos. He showed a picture of him and Ziva leaning on her desk at NCIS to Adina, "see, very close friends."
"Of course," Adina smiled at Tony, "but I must warn you," she took the phone and gazed at the photo, "she...she is different now."
"I don't care," Tony said as he took the phone back and stowed it in his pocket, "I just need to know where she is."
"She is inside," Adina stated.
"What?" Tony was stunned by the news. He'd see her.. in moments. He looked to the door then stepped over and looked back at Adina waiting for her to open the damn door that stood between them.
"Do you know?" Adina asked as Tony noticed Mendel lower his head.
"Know what?" Tony shook his head, studied Adina for a moment, "I knocked earlier but there was no answer. Maybe she was in the shower or napping and didn't hear me."
Adina let out a long sigh as she retrieved the house keys from a pocket in her slacks, "she is sick."
The first thing that popped into Tony's head was that she had a cold or the flu, "Sick how? Ziva rarely gets sick. I don't care if I catch her flu I just want to see her."
"It is not the flu," Adina turned the key in the lock and opened the door, "it is her heart."
"Broken?" Tony didn't want to hear what she was saying, "mine too." He pushed through the door, "Ziva?"
Tony glanced around the house then rushed to the bedroom they'd made love in, his chest tightening with every step. She was here and he had missed her so much, he could hardly think straight.
The moment he opened the door he saw her and it took his breath. Her wild curls were sticking out from under a headscarf like the one she wore that very first day they met. She was faced away from him under a white blanket and the corners of his mouth automatically curved into a smile.
Then he caught sight of the rows of medicine bottles on the nightstand and an IV pole and oxygen tank on the other side of the bed. What?
Tony took a ragged breath before he rushed to her side. "Ziva," he whispered as he took a seat just behind her on the bed.
"No!" Ziva cried as she startled, then brought her hand up to her face quickly, covered it from his view as she shook her head. "No, Tony, please. Go." Her body tensed as he drew closer.
"Ziva, look at me," Tony placed his hand over hers and jumped slightly when he felt how small, delicate it had become.
"I did not want you to see me like this," Ziva's voice was low but desperate as she kept her face covered, "I did not want you to see this," she sounded weak. "You need to go."
"Ziva," Tony whispered, "I need to see you. What's going on?" His world started to crash around him as the full implications of what he was seeing actually sunk in, "Why...please, Ziva. It's me. Please, don't push me away," he reached out in every way he could to her.
"I..." she cried but let out a long breath, her shoulders slumped but she kept her hands over her face.
Tony gently pulled her hand away and saw her. She'd lost weight, too much weight. She was gaunt and pale, her eyes had dark circles around them but there was still life there, he saw it, he saw his Ziva.
"It's OK, Ziva," he pulled her up into his embrace, cradled her in his arms gently, "you're still my ninja, my beautiful ninja."
He felt Ziva curl into his chest, hot tears wet his shirt. Tony tried to control his movements but found he could not. His body shook as he kissed her temple, breathed in her scent.
His hand cradled her head as he bent over her, tears flowing down his face while his own heart shattered.
Note: This story is complete and will be posted in a 3-4 day cycle. I want to say more but I am not going to...do trust.