~Night Channels: Prologue~

She...is everywhere I go.

I know you cannot hear me any longer, my love, but for some reason I cannot help but find myself talking to you everyday- even if it is merely to your memory. Because for some reason I still feel as if you are beside me, clutching your hand in mine, gazing up at me with those snowy lavender eyes that I wish I could fall asleep gazing into once again. For I know you are not, however, maybe I don't actually feel you beside me, but rather the yearning for you to be there is so strong that I have indoctrinated myself into believing that I can somehow feel you here so that I merely maintain my sanity.

Everyone I see.

But I know, my dearest, deep down that you are not by my side. No matter how convincingly it feels that your soft skin is pressed against my calloused own, no matter how potent it was to see that indigo-tinted hair from the corner of my eye- I know that you were not there from the start. You have not been here beside me for a long time now. You have taken to greater places with greater people- your head a pastry case of dreams that could have never been followed when you had roamed close to me. For I do know that it was not I hindering your dreams- I could never do such a thing, to condemn a love that I cherished so dearly from doing what she pleased- but it was time that was doing such. And sadly, that time was so treacherously, so abhorrently linked to me.

Winter's gone and I still can't sleep.

Time was of the essence and it always had been ever since I had took your hand into mine and began to lead you through tall grasses and snow-covered fields. Time has always been our greatest enemy, I knew. Even before I understood the full entity of it- before merely conceiving it as an obstacle that I must overcome to simply complete a mission- I knew that it was present. I had never fully grasped such a concept and handled it with hands that were not in search of a lover, but were instead in search of the satisfaction of completing the task that was bestowed upon me. And because of such a careless and significant action I had lost precious time with you. I had ignored the beauty that had coursed not only upon your outer layer, but your inner one as well.

Summer's on the way.

Or at least I had tried to ignore both. I could never completely say that I never noticed them. Because ever since I laid eyes on you that fateful day I had taken notice of your beautiful indigo-tinted hair and the way that it contrasted gracefully from your pale skin and light lavender eyes. I had not missed the way your clothing hugged your petite frame, though dipped luxuriously into the noticeable curves you adorned. I had not overlooked how your face had such a precious and youthful demeanor- how it bespangled the perfect balance of a childish glow and a womanly light. The way your soft voice spoke so gently to me even though I was beyond rude- addressing you in such a glacial and heartless way- but you still somehow timidly and politely spoke in a whispered tone to me, never even hinting at any sort of contempt. You were so beautiful- so stunning...inside and out. And all because I was so stubborn and so washed of emotion I had forced myself to ignore the thing displayed before me- practically placed into my grasp- the only thing that could truly save me from drowning.

At least that's what they say.

But of course, so fatefully painful as most stories are, I had not taken notice of my repressed love for you and the innocence of your soul until my time with you was dwindling to a faint light. Once I had finally admitted my love for you to myself you were floating between the territorial barrier of life and death.

But these clouds won't leave.

Unbeknownst to me I was leading you towards your inescapable end. All those months we spent together in which I thought you were the cure to a disease, you were actually the vessel that they were going to bury it within. They were going to lock it up inside of you, let it eat you alive until your body weakened into a state in which you could barely breath on your own and your heart ultimately failed. I had never once even imagined that you were planning such a diabolical release of your own life. You had always carried yourself so happily and so freely that it seemed as if you had all of the time left in the world to sort out whatever issues that had fallen upon your stature. You traveled with a timid, yet bright, gait. You never cowered away from what could ever harm you. You never lived as if a day was your last. You tried your best to live in the moment. I always looked at you with a disgusted, churning feeling deep within my gut. I did not know why it was there and to this day I cannot decide whether if it was jealousy or infatuation with how you lived your life. It seemed as if when I took you away from your clan and from our village you were blossoming. A flower- always kept within the shade ever since the day of their birth- finally had the curtain of their domain drawn back, letting in endless rays of sunshine and letting themselves become immersed in their self-growth. You were blooming into that fated beautiful, vibrant meadow that you had always been destined to be. You were so happy. You were so free. You were so gorgeous- so infallible. You were released from your confines. You arrested me of my very own breath. You were my saving grace- my liberator. My emancipator. My love. My life. My everything.

Walk away, barely breathing.

My Hinata.

As I'm lying on the floor.

And then you were gone.

Take my heart, as you're leaving...

And so because of the fact that I had grown to love you so much over the past few months that had been spent together that when I closed my eyes I only saw you- even if it was only your ghost.

I don't need it anymore.

I always saw the pale glow of your skin and the pearly gleam of your soft eyes that twinkled like lavendar-colored stars against a cottony albinic milky way. My mind would always recreate those perfectly subtle pastel rosen lips that could scream the tune of ghosts of my past so hauntingly that I would begin to feel a cold sweat perspire along the back of my neck all the while the void of my mind sucked me deep into unconsciousness- the only place you now reside. I could always find myself able to recall every single curve and twist that ran deep in your jawline even after so many months of being apart. From the soft dip that was nestled between your lower lip and that apple-dimpled chin to the slight swell of that unforgettable baby face despite any type of high I'd always been able to reminiscence on perfectly. I'd always been able to recall your features consummately and I know that I will always be able to.

This is the memory.

Almost as if a copy machine was constantly running off transcripts of your face one after the other until it finally ran out of ink, leaving me with only thousands of papered versions of you. I grasp at them desperately as I returned from the realm of dreams to confront the many faces that always fell so foreboding to me. Like cold black succubi that would begrudgingly glare back at me with simple dark maws which lacked any features, yet I would feel as if they had a million eyes and a thousand mouths that taunted me.

This is the curse of having, too much time to, think about it.

And though never all asking the same question, they'd run along the lines of the same concept. A concept of which had narrated my life since I was seventeen and began to befriend the white eyes and soft voice of the Hyuga heiress rather than the blood-stained kunai I kept under my pillow every night. A concept of which had consumed me whole, spat me out, only to greedily swallow me back up into its jaws like some sort carnivorous plant. A plant and concept which chewed me with a mouth that was lined with yellowing fangs due to its own consistent devouring of whom I was or whom I was trying to be. A concept which I described with such complexity that when I finished talking about it to others most would expect something more than the simplicity of the answer that I would utter even more bitterly each time,

It's killing me.

"Love."

This is the last time, this is my forgiveness...

A concept of the insane.

This is endless.

I'd come to curse the word- the concept.

Now spring has brought the rain.

And maybe that was because it was the concept in which had landed me back into the treacherous darkness of blood-stained fists that had subsequently become a well-known accessory for me after many years. For the days with bruised arms because of needless fighting, or white-ribboned scars that would often times begin to itch simply at the memory of how they got there, or maybe even just the occasional cut or scrape that could fire me back into the past with a mere twinge of pain. They were what defined me- defined any type of love before you. Either way they were there- they were me. They were my life before and after you.

But I still see your face.

The life in between I was robbed of after your death and was simply left to dwell in the aftermath.

And I can not escape the past.

The aftermath: contusioned, bloodied and sending me out of my fucking mind.

Creeping up inside, reminding me that I...

Hell, I had barely a choice of much anymore unless you count uncontrollable bloodlust as willful consent. So often in times I would have to find himself dwelling in the only addiction that I thought of as healthy in my life anymore:

Can never bring you back.

You.

Someone, help me..

Or more so the memory of you.

'Cause the memory...

For you were truly the only thing that I had done right by in my entire life it seemed anymore. And all the while I knew that I was the complete opposite for you- even if it was an unconscious act. But I just couldn't help but yearn for your small, frail hands to fall back into the my palms or for those soft, quivering lips to meet the chapped, bled-out skin of my own. I couldn't help but yearn for your presence, your voice, your scent, your eyes, your mouth- your everything. Even if they were all simply a memory.

Convinced itself to tear me apart.

I needed you; the only drug that was more addicting than bloodlust, who for quite some time I had proclaimed to be my one true love. But every single time I'd part with the luminescent high of the crimson red which glazed my fists that during withdrawal I felt he could never get enough of, I was always only left with the craving for something- someone- else. I was craving that sweet soothing injection of your love that could take me higher than the clouds, the stars, the galaxies and the moons. The sweet injection of your voice that could take me to places that killing never could. And that gentle injection of you, so sweet it was practically diabetic. That sweet injection of you that could take me somewhere that could leave me not regretting my high the next morning.

And it's gonna succeed before long.

But once again...you are not here.

She, is everywhere I go.

You are not by my side any longer. However, your memory is.

Everyone I see.

By my side, hand-in-hand, in your eyes, forever until the end.

But these clouds won't leave.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hi everyone! I hope that you could kind of understand what was going on inside of this prologue as it is a bit vague and jumbled all over the place. For a quick summary so that some of you can kind of understand what is going on if you still need the assistance (I know I would, rip.) If you understood the prologue please skip below to the actual author's note as it is very important and explains a bit more in-depth the plot of this story! This is basically about how Kakashi is dealing with the loss of Hinata (as this is a Kakahina fic I hope you figured :"D). He is going through many different stages such as trying to believe she isn't gone or that her ghost/presence is beside him, though (for a reason that will be later revealed in the fic) he undeniably knows she is not. This also is describing how ever since he lost so many of those he loved so long ago he had only ever been able to focus on or release any pent up sadness/aggression or just really overall emotion through his missions and through bloodlust. He finds himself fading in and out of coping with her death through his previous ways, which makes him realize that he is just back to where he started before he had fallen in love with her. As he starts to realize this, he knows that Hinata would want this and instead begins to indulge in and find solace in her memory rather than in her ghost or violent release. However, as the song suggests- the memory of her could be even more painful than any of his other coping mechanisms. I hope that helped clear anything up for you guys :(. If you have any other questions please feel free to ask and I will answer to the best of my capabilities!

Also this fanfiction will not be starting from the same time period as the prologue- sorry. It was more so created in order to cause people to ask questions and wonder what happened between the two. The story will be starting off with a young Kakashi- about age 17 and a young Hinata around the age of 16 or so. It follows them through a mission that Kakashi is assigned to escort and protect her on and the two bring out parts in the other that they had never even knew existed. (Sorry if that's a bit vague, but I don't want to spoil anything!) I'm also still working out a lot of plot, so if you have any ideas that you'd like to see come to life please let me know and I would love to do my best to include them! I love compiling ideas with others so never shy away from suggesting things to me! Also I can't decide if I like having the song lyrics in here...just looks a bit unorganized to me. Though it plays a large part in the story/prologue as a whole so, sigh...idk. Either way thanks for sticking through all of this rambling with me! I hope you enjoyed :D Please leave me some reviews so I can know how you all liked my writing, it really helps inspire me :). Also the rest of the story won't be in first person, it will be in third person :)