A/N: I'm really not sure where this came from. I just started writing and... this happened. I feel so bad for doing this to Kurt. The song used in this is "Smile" (the Glee version). The title came from "Asleep" by The Smiths. *TRIGGER WARNING* for suicide. If this is a problem for you, then please don't read this.
This isn't beta-ed, so I apologize for any mistakes.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee
Every morning, when Kurt woke up, he wished he hadn't.
He would just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, not thinking, not moving, just laying there. He couldn't find the will to get up. Couldn't find the will to go through the day like a normal person. Couldn't find the will to deal with everyone asking him if he was okay. And, sometimes, he couldn't find the will to live.
He had the pills all set up. They were sitting on the bathroom counter, waiting for when Kurt was ready. There had been so many times when he thought he was ready. His letter was written and his clothes picked out. He even got as far as putting the pills in his mouth. He just couldn't force himself to swallow.
He was a wimp. A girl. Fag. That's what everyone called him. Kurt had started taking it to heart. Hell, there was never a time when he didn't.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Whoever wrote that was full of crap. Words hurt worse than any kind of physical pain. So Kurt wouldn't resort to anything that could cause him physical pain. He wouldn't cut. Instead of a razor in his bathroom, Kurt kept a permanent marker. Whenever he was called a painful name, Kurt would take the black marker and inscribe the word on his skin.
Sissy, stupid, and flaming fag were just a few of the names lining his arms. Freak stood out against the pale skin of his hip. Fat was scrawled in thick black lines across his chest. Just below his ear, where no one else could see but he knew was there, Kurt had written ugly. And then there was a particular one, that wasn't written where anyone could see it from the surface. You could only see it if you looked inside, which no one ever bothered to do. It was written in his eyes, in his body movements, across his face. Just die already. Every time Kurt saw it reflecting back at him in the mirror, he would say, "I'm trying."
Kurt wasn't sure when he started feeling like this. He knew he could get help, but, like many other things in life, he couldn't force himself to. There was nothing they could do anyway. He always knew he would end up committing suicide, just like he always knew he was gay. Kurt knew it would hurt everyone around him, but it seemed like he was hurting them enough just by existing. He caused them enough trouble. He should just get over with it. Everyone would be much happier.
So now Kurt was putting on his special outfit. That outfit had been sitting in the back of his closet for months. He inspected himself in the mirror. The outfit covered up the words well. His hair looked flat. His eyes looked dead. Soon they would be. Kurt pulled the envelope out of his desk drawer and placed it on his dresser, where someone was sure to find it.
He willed himself not to cry. He refused to be a coward. He would not be weak. He would do it. He would go through with it, and he would be strong. He would not break down. Not now. He was past that point. That point of caring. Of feeling. He was just numb all the time.
And then he was in the bathroom, pills in hand, poised to dump them in his mouth. This time he would swallow. This time he would go through with it. This time he would not fail. But his phone rang. Kurt could have just ignored it, but the caller I.D. called out to him. The screen displayed Blaine's name.
Blaine. Kurt's boyfriend of over two months. How could he have not noticed all this time? How come he didn't save him? Placing the pills on the counter, Kurt picked up.
"Hello?" His voice shook. Silently, Kurt cursed himself for it.
"Hey, Kurt." Blaine's voice was so friendly, so loving, so alive. Kurt wondered how his must sound. Did it sound empty? Hollow? Dead?
"Can you come over?" Why did he say that? He was always saying stupid things. But he couldn't have Blaine come over. Not now. Curse his stupid mouth for blabbing without his permission.
"Are you okay?" Blaine asked, voice full of worry. "Where are you?"
"I'm fine." Lies. "I'm just not feeling so well." Lies. "I'm in my dorm."
"I'll be right over." And then he hung up, without so much as a goodbye.
Kurt stared at his reflection in the mirror. His skin looked paler than usual, his eyes had lost their sparkle. His face looked sunken in. All in all, he looked defeated. Like he had given up. Which he had. He had given up on life.
Someone rapped on Kurt's door. Blaine. "I'll be out in a second!" he called. Then he swallowed the pills and chased them down with water. He'd done it. No turning back now.
As soon as he opened to door, he captured Blaine in a kiss. This would be the last kiss he ever shared with Blaine. The last kiss he'd ever have. Kurt savored the feeling.
"Whoa," Blaine said, pulling back slightly. "I thought you said you weren't feeling well."
"I just… I just wanted to say hello," Kurt looked at the ground. "I'm really tired. C-can you sing to me?"
"Sure." Blaine took his hand and led Kurt to the bed. The pills, already taking effect, made his knees weak. "What do you want me to sing?" he asked.
"A lullaby," Kurt answered, settling himself on top of the comforter
"Okay." Blaine stroked his cheek. "You just sit back and relax. We need you to get better as soon as possible." Kurt bit back a laugh. He was far beyond repair.
And then Blaine began to sing.
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by…
It was like Blaine knew exactly what was going on. Like he was trying to stop Kurt. It was spooky. But nothing could stop him now. Everything was already done. And Kurt was ready to leave.
If you smile
Through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you…
Everything was starting to get fuzzy now. Kurt drank in Blaine's appearance: his raven colored hair, curly, but usually slicked back with gel; his beautiful hazel eyes, ever changing in color; his strong jaw line; his perfect pink lips.
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear
May be ever so near
The world was starting to change alarmingly. Everything was spinning, and he couldn't tell up from down. Kurt clutched his boyfriend in a last attempt to bring him back down to earth. But it was no use. He'd be gone soon, and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it.
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile—what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
Kurt was starting to get scared now. He felt sick and dizzy and disoriented and he just wanted it to stop. Why did the pills have to take so long to work? Blaine must have sensed his distress, because he started petting Kurt's hair and planting small kissed on his face when there were breaks in the song.
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile—what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
Kurt's eyes fluttered closed as Blaine finished the song. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
The last thing Kurt saw before everything went black was his boyfriend's beautiful, loving face hovering over his. So perfect…
A/N: I don't think there'll be a sequel or another chapter. So, for now, this is complete. However, if you simply must have a follow-up, I'll figure something out. Or maybe I'll just get inspired. ALSO: I don't know about taking pills or the effects of over-dosing. My internet was down when I wrote this, so I couldn't research it. So basically I just guessed. Please don't hate if my information is inaccurate.
Thanks for reading!
Later A/N: There was another chapter to this, but I took it down, as this was originally meant to be a oneshot and I think it's just better that way. I'm sorry if you were looking forward to more. :\ Fanfiction was also being a dick when I edited this, so if anything is weird, I'm sorry. I tried to fix all the weirdness, but I probably didn't catch everything.