A/N: This story makes no sense. My friend and I wrote this around four or five years ago, and I found it way too funny to resist putting up. Please refrain from judging me on the premise of this story because I swear I am not as drunk as the writing sounds. In fact, I was not drunk at all.
The story was based on a dream I had one day, in which Professor Snape became my minigolf partner.
The sun shone brilliantly as a group of adults stood in a rather colorful area. Children were shouting and balls were flying everywhere…golf balls, that is. Yes, indeed, it was the perfect day to play a nice game of mini-golf. Or at least, that's what the Hogwarts professors believed…
"Aha!" shouted a stern-looking woman triumphantly. "A hole-in-one! What do you say to that, Severus?"
A man with greasy black hair remained expressionless as he was addressed.
"Well done, Minerva," he said sarcastically, before taking a shot himself. The ball landed perfectly in the hole, just like Minerva's had. Severus smirked before retrieving his ball.
"Has anyone seen my golf club?" squeaked a short little man.
"It's over there, Filius." A short lady with a patched hat pointed behind the tiny man.
"Where—AH!" The short lady ran forward to help Filius, who had tripped over his own golf club. "Thank you, Pomona," he told her as she helped him up.
"Looks like it's my turn," grunted a gigantic man with a hairy face. He swung his club, but he accidentally let go, causing the club to soar off into the distance.
Severus scoffed. "Nicely done, Hagrid."
Meanwhile, Filius examined his golf club. Appearing dissatisfied, he ran up to the man at the counter and said, "Excuse me, sir, do you have a children's size? It's as tall as I am!"
The man peered over the counter and frowned. "Sorry, you have the smallest size."
Just then, a lady with large glasses and numerous shawls stepped up to the tee. Minerva crinkled her nose at the strong smell of cooking sherry.
"I predict that I will score a hole-in-one," the shawled woman said wisely. With that, she whacked the golf ball…which landed precisely in the pond.
The lady looked around awkwardly before saying, "Ah, I knew it all along! I just pretended to be dumb like you all, so as to fit in!"
Severus rolled his eyes after hearing these words but remained quiet. A second later, he jumped about a foot in the air as a voice screamed his name.
"Severus! LET ME TRY! I'm so amazing at golf! I wrote a book on how to score a hole-in-one, you know." The voice came from a pompous and handsome blonde-haired man who wore a silly grin on his silly face.
Severus rolled back his lips in a sneer. "Lockhart, let's see what you can do."
Lockhart took Severus's club and crouched. He squinted and positioned his golf ball at what he believed to be the perfect spot. Then he stood up, wiggled his hips, and hit the golf ball easily with the club.
"You see, there it goes!" he yelled, but the other professors stared wide-eyed as the golf ball bounced off of a tree—only to hit Lockhart square in the forehead.
"Poppy, I think you will need to attend to Professor Lockhart straightaway," said a tall, old man with a long white beard. His blue eyes twinkled in the sunlight.
"No, that's okay," mumbled Lockhart, who was now stumbling around, cross-eyed.
The old man smiled. "I believe it is my turn." He swung his golf club with great speed and strength, and sparks flew as it collided with the golf ball. The others watched amazed as the golf ball landed…four feet away from the hole.
"HAHAHAHAHA! Nice one, Albus!" laughed Minerva and Severus together. They clutched at their stomachs and wiped away the tears that came to their eyes.
Albus turned around and said, "Oh, you two, winning is not everything."
Severus scoffed once more. "You're right; it's the only thing." He aimed at his golf ball again and hit another hole-in-one.
"Calm down, Minerva," said Pomona, who looked at the steaming Minerva with a worried expression. "It's just a game."
Lockhart, who had finally recovered, then stood up and wailed, "Nobody appreciates my talent!"
"Nobody appreciates Sybill's talent, either," muttered Minerva.
"That's because neither Sybill nor Lockhart haveany," said Severus.
"Ooh, burn!" Albus announced, dignifiedly.
Sybill's mouth fell open. "Albus, I cannot believe that you refuse to defend me! Well, that's it. I'm leaving!"
"Me too!" shouted Lockhart, and he strode off, arm-in-arm with the crazy lady with shawls.
"Oh, Hagrid, what's wrong?" asked Minerva, who just noticed the buckets of tears leaking from Hagrid's beetle-black eyes.
"It's—it's just…I BROKE ME CLUB!" he wailed.
Minerva looked at the others for support, but no one seemed to want to approach Hagrid, who resembled an extremely large and hairy baby. "It's okay, Hagrid..."
"Hey!" shouted Filius. The other professors, including Hagrid, turned to him. "I can use the broken half of the club!"
"Well," said Hagrid, whose tears were beginning to disappear. "I'm glad yeh can use it."
"Oh, hello, Horace. Would you like a turn?" said Albus.
A plump man with a thick mustache said, "Don't mind if do."
He bent over to place his golf ball down, but as he did so, the button on his pants popped off, knocked Pomona's hat right off her head, and his trousers fell down, revealing a pair of hot pink tightie-wighties with pineapples all over them. Horace turned the exact shade of pink as his underwear and immediately dived behind a bush.
"Did I just see a flash of pink?" uttered a newcomer. The others looked at this new man…if one could call him that. His eyes shone red, his pupils, like his nostrils, were slits, and the sun bounced off of his pale bald head.
"Hello, Voldemort," said Albus, who was now waving energetically.
"Do not speak to me!" he screeched. "I only talk to evil people! Look at my golf club! It's simply brimming with evil!"
"It's pink, my lord," said Severus quietly.
"Exactly! Everyone knows that pink is the most evil of all colors! Like that man's underwear!"
Albus shook his head solemnly. "There are no evil colors. All of the colors are equal, except white, which is actually a combination of all the colors."
"YOU BEING RACIST, MISTER?!" yelled a young (Caucasian) kid, jabbing a finger at Albus.
"That's Professor Dumbledore to you, SISSY!" Albus retorted, causing the kid to run away, crying for his mother.
"Hold on," said Hagrid, who was now whipping out a pink, floral umbrella. "My wand—er, I mean, my umbrella is pink!"
"IT MUST BE EVIL!" screamed Voldemort.
"Sir…it's got flowers on it…" Snape pointed out.
"MY EYES!" Voldemort screamed at the top of his lungs, "I CAN'T STAND TO LOOK AT SOMETHING SO EVIL!"
Pomona rushed over and examined the umbrella. "Oh, yes...this is a perfect example of Prettius Daiselia. Also known as the common daisy," she said matter-of-factly.
"Did you just make up that term?" asked Minerva.
Pomona blushed and refused to say anything, allowing silence to overcome the group.
Albus broke the silence. "Awwwwkwaaaaaarrrd."
Severus sighed and said, "This is becoming completely and utterly boring. I don't know why I came to play this abysmal game with all of you in the first place."
He walked into the nearby arcade but returned a few seconds later, dragging by the collar a black-haired and green-eyed boy with a lightning bolt scar on his forehead.
"Trying to gamble underage, hm?" Severus said with obvious glee.
"OUCH! LET GO OF ME, YOU *%&( #*%&) #(*$*!" shouted the boy.
Severus released him and stared at him, his black eyes livid. "What did you call me, Potter?" he muttered.
The boy named Potter balked. "N-nothing. I just said, 'Hello, Snape.'"
"Call me 'sir'!" barked Severus.
Potter crossed his arms. "No."
"Are you badmouthing me?"
"No," Potter repeated.
"No, SIR," said Severus.
Potter smirked and said, "There's no need to call me 'sir,' professor. Deja-vu?"
Severus looked even more dangerous than ever. "Drop and give me one thousand push-ups!" he screeched.
"I will if you will!" retorted Potter.
Just then, a tall red-haired boy ran out of the arcade excitedly. "Hooray! I get to watch men doing push-ups! Come on, Harry! Take your shirt off!"
He turned around and spotted a girl with bushy brown hair. "Oh, Hermione, you're just in time for the show! Snape and Harry are about to get all sweaty! It's going to be brilliant!"
Hermione's eyes widened and she stepped away from the red-haired boy. "That's okay, Ron…I'll just be over here…avoiding you…"
"Okay, Hermione," said Ron. He returned his attention to Severus and Harry. "Okay, ready…GO!"
The men began doing push-ups until Hermione sighed and said, "No, no, NO!" She walked straight up to Severus. "You're doing it all wrong!"
"That's what she said!" said Albus.
Another silence engulfed the group as everyone's eyes turned towards Professor Dumbledore. Severus and Harry were so in shock that they stopped doing push-ups. Minutes passed, and Severus coughed awkwardly.
Finally Ron said, "What do you mean 'that's what SHE said'? I thought you were gay?"
"Ronald Weasley!" protested Hermione. "Do not question his sexual orientation!"
"Yes, Ronald," said Albus, nodding. "Do not question my orientation."
Harry leaned toward Ron and muttered, "He isgay, I'll never forget those lessons we had together…" His voice trailed off and he shuddered.
"Harry, you seem distressed!" shouted a new voice. The entire group turned their attention to a new man, who had apparently just jumped out of the bush behind which Slughorn had dived. "Eat this; it'll help!" he said, handing Harry a chocolate golf club.
"Thanks, Lupin!" said Harry gratefully.
"Loony, loopy Lupin!" cackled a poltergeist that floated inches above everyone's heads.
"Hey…" said Albus, who had suddenly recalled something. "Weren't we supposed to be playing mini-golf?!"
A red-haired girl who smelled of flowers appeared. "Hi, Harry," she said with a large grin.
"Ooh!" exclaimed Pomona. "Ginny smells like Wonderfulis Rose…eus…" she finished lamely.
Minerva frowned at her. "You made that up again, didn't you?"
But Pomona did not have time to answer because all of the men suddenly started staring off into space.
"Ron, why are you drooling on my robes?! THESE ARE NEW!" shouted Hermione, but he appeared not to have heard her.
"Ugh," said Ginny, twisting her face into disgust. "Phlegm."
Hermione, Minerva, Pomona, and Poppy twirled around to look at what Ginny had spotted. A blonde-haired beauty pranced by, and all of the men (except Albus) were immediately captivated. The girls all sniffed disapprovingly, but this did not capture the men's attentions.
"Uh, Fleur," said Lupin, breaking out of his reverie. "Where's Bill? He hasn't been transforming into a wolf, has he?"
"'E iz simply at 'ome, enjoying ze steaks I 'ave made for 'im," she said throatily.
"Then why are you here?" snapped Severus, who was beginning to come out of his trance as well.
Fleur turned to him. "I 'ave been looking for my ratatouille!"
"Bless you," said Ron, who still stared, dream-like, at the girl.
Hermione rolled her eyes and said, "Ratatouille is a type of food. Don't you remember that movie we saw?"
Ginny walked over to Harry and punched him in the gut. He snapped out of his dream-like state and said, "Wasn't that movie about a rat?"
"WORMTAIL!" roared a handsome man with black hair that was quite long. He had jumped out of the same bush from which Lupin had appeared. "I MUST FIND HIM…THAT ACCURSED RAT!"
"Well, Fleur," said Albus, "It appears that Sirius knows where your rat is. Follow him."
Fleur sized up Sirius, threw back her hair, and allowed Sirius to escort her. The guys watched her go with sad expressions.
"Now what?" said Ron sadly.
Harry cocked his head to the side. "Why do people keep coming out of that bush over there? I wonder what they've all been doing."
Lupin froze and immediately said, "I—I've got to go…yes, er, Tonks must be needing…"
He left his sentence unfinished and Apparated away.
"That was weird," said Hermione.
Albus clapped his hands once. "I believe it is time for us to be returning back to Hogwarts. Follow me!"
"Party time!" shouted Voldemort, swinging his cloak above his head and running after Albus to the castle. "Anyone old enough to drink can come!"
The other professors followed Voldemort excitedly, but Hermione, Ron, and Ginny stayed behind with Harry.
"Argh, Ron, stop covering my eyes!" said Hermione, struggling.
Ron pulled back his arms and said, "At least you didn't just have to see You-Know-Who…without a cloak."
"What's wrong, Harry?" asked Ginny, who had not been paying attention to anyone but the Boy Who Lived.
"I think it's time to get my Dad's old cloak out again," he said.
"What the—you stole your dad's clothes?! You're just as bad as You-Know-Who!" exclaimed Ron, horror etched clearly on his face.
Harry ignored him. He pulled a large silvery cloak out of his pocket, threw it over himself and the others, and dragged them toward the bush….