I Thought I was Alive
"Can you hear me?"
That is the first thing she hears when she is born. Amidst the whir of machinery all around her, that is the first voice she hears. And immediately, she thinks it is a beautiful voice. The mechanized arms around her continue on with their job, constructing her body, but she pays them no mind. Her deep blue eyes blink open and she answers, "Yes."
She can see the bright lights that are illuminating the stage where she is being built, but beyond them there is nothing but darkness. A shame. Part of her wants to meet the one who is giving her life. The information downloaded into her memory tells her that the voice is a masculine one; firm, deep, with a rich accent. Russian, her memory banks tell her. Over the intercom, she hears the rapid clicking of a keyboard and then the man speaks again.
"I.D." he tells her. As the machines weld her neck and chest plate to her, she answers him obediently.
"APC897504C"
"Can you move your head?"
An arm with a camera attached appears in front of her and begins to move around. She presumes that she is meant to follow its movement, so she does. She moves her neck for the first time.
"Very good." He praises her. "Stare straight ahead, and this time, move only your eyes."
She does so and is praised again. Her new lips curl up ever so slightly in a soft smile. She decides that this man, whose name is unknown to her, is a kind man. Behind her, a pair of arms is produced and the machines begin to attach those to her shoulders.
"Give me your initialization test."
She lifts her head and displays a professional smile. "Hello. I am a 3rd generation HETA1776 android. I can look after your house, cook, mind the kids; I organize your appointments. I speak 300 languages and I am entirely at your disposal as a sexual partner. No need to feed me or recharge me. I'm equipped with a quantic battery that makes me autonomous for 173 years." She hesitates for but a moment. Her next line is all part of her memorized speech, and yet she wants to ask her creator. She wants him to be the one to name her. "Do you want to give me a name?"
"Da." He answers, typing away once again. "From now on, your name is Emily."
Another smile crosses her face. This time, it is a curious and wondrous smile. "My name is Emily." She says, almost to herself.
"Initialization and memorization is perfect." The tone of his voice is now warm. She can almost imagine him looking on her fondly, wherever he is. "Now, can you move your arms?"
Belatedly, Emily realizes that the machines have stopped their work for now. She looks down at her new limbs and moves them up to her face. They start out as cold white plastic, but as she lifts them, the material melts away into warm golden skin. She wiggles her fingers and tests the joints of her elbows.
"That's good." His voice says. "Upper limb connection is complete. Now if you could, say something in Russian."
Emily allows her arms to rest by her sides as she looks straight ahead. The machines resume their work, this time pulling up a pair of legs. "Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is."* She recites with perfect pronunciation and a flawless accent.
"Very good." He says. She desperately wishes to know the name of this kind man who gives her such nice praises. Before she can ask him, he cuts her off. "Could you say something to me in Italian?"
She nods obediently and fulfills his request. "All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them."**
The machines around her are putting the finishing touches on her legs when he asks her to sing a song in Japanese. Emily picks a simple one with a powerfully haunting tune. Her soprano voice echoes around the relatively small construction room and she moves and sways her body accordingly to the short melody. As she falls silent, she notices that the machines have once again stopped their work. The arm that had been holding her up all this time lowers her gently to the floor. She is placed on her feet and the arm detaches from her lower back.
"Go on," he encourages. "Take a few steps."
Emily carefully lifts her white, plastic foot and takes her very first steps. Unlike that of an awkward human child walking on its wobbly legs for the first time, she is as graceful as a dancer. However, her wondrous smile is reminiscent of that same human child. She takes a couple of steps forward, lifting her arms parallel to the floor, then slowly turns back. She lowers her arms and steps more confidently. Her artificial scalp produces thick, golden blonde curls that fall gently to her shoulders. The rest of the plastic covering her body melts away as she turns to face the direction of his voice again. She is now completely nude, and a pretty blush graces her features. She uses her arms to cover herself while the machines work to produce some clothing for her.
The sound of the keyboard is heard again as he checks off her locomotion. "You have done very well, Emily. You're ready for work."
Emily subconsciously lifts her arms as the machines wrap soft cotton undergarments around her breasts and crotch. "What's your name?" she asks the man. "What's going to happen to me now?"
She hears him softly chuckle. "My name is Ivan. I will be reinitializing you and sending you to a store to be sold."
Her face falls into a frown. Reinitializing? What did that mean? Would her name no longer be Emily? Would she forget this kind man, this Ivan? Would she forget this ever happened? Why did she have to go to a store?
"Sold?" She is so confused. "I'm a sort of merchandise, is that right?" Her brows furrow, her feet shift her weight uncertainly.
"Da, that is right." Ivan tells her. "You are a very valuable machine, darling. You are able to do whatever a person asks of you, you are capable of performing tasks that are beyond their reach. You are worth quite a lot of money."
Emily's features become disappointed. Her blue eyes, that had been sparkling with joy mere moments ago, now dim. "Oh, I see." She says. "I -"She feels her throat constricting and she can barely get her words out. Her head falls to look down at the floor. "I thought -"
"You thought…?" Ivan sounds incredulous. Emily has to restrain herself from flinching. Had she said something wrong? "What did you think?" Ivan does not sound so friendly and kind anymore. She slowly raises her head, hoping she is facing him.
"I-I thought…I was alive."
Immediately, Ivan curses in his native tongue and Emily feels the first vestiges of fear in her artificial heart. Was that so wrong? It was true, wasn't it? She is just as alive as Ivan. She walks, she talks, she thinks, she speaks, she feels, she is. It may be electricity that her heart is pumping through her veins, instead of the thick red blood running through his, she may not be able to age like him, she does not know if she can reproduce, and the lifespan her battery guarantees is longer than his, but she is alive! Isn't she?
"This is not part of protocol." Ivan's voice tells her. She feels a stinging in her eyes as she hears the sound of furious typing once more. Suddenly, the largest arm reattaches to her back and swiftly lifts her back up and the other machines whir back into life. Her heart speeds up and her eyes widen.
"Defective model." Ivan says. "Disassemble immediately and check the components."
"Wait!" Emily cries. "You're disassembling me?! Why?" Her meager clothing is torn from her body. The machines try to take her limbs and she desperately shoves them away.
"You are not supposed to be thinking these sorts of things." He says. "You are not supposed to be thinking at all. You must have a defective software program."
Her sunshine hair recedes back into her skull and her golden skin fades back into stark white plastic. "No!" she whimpers, smacking away another machine. "No! I feel perfectly fine, I promise!" The machines grab her at the wrists and hold them up, quickly taking her apart, piece by piece. "I answered all the tests correctly, didn't I?!" Her chest plate is now gone and her legs are soon to follow. The plates on her arms are being taken away, revealing her electric blue muscles, nerves, and veins. Her artificial heart is revealed and she knows that he can see it beating rapidly inside her. Why is he doing this? This man had been so kind to breathe life into her and now he was taking it away? All because she was thinking for herself?
"I'm sorry, but your behavior is not standard."
"Please," she whimpers. "Please, I'm begging you, please don't do this!"
Emily can hear that he is trying to sound professional and detached, but there is an apologetic inflection to his voice. "Defective models have to be eliminated; that's my job. I am very sorry, truly I am, but I cannot allow you to go."
"I won't cause any problems, I promise!" Her abdomen plate is now lost and her limbs are being disconnected from the joints. "I won't say another word, I won't think anymore!" If her head is taken, then Emily will cease to exist. "I've only just been born! You can't kill me yet!" Her limbs are now detached and she sees the machines coming closer to her neck. "Please, stop! I'm scared!"
Her scream echoes around the room. The machines finally freeze in their tasks. All is quiet. Emily's heart is still beating, so very rapidly. Ivan's voice does not answer her.
"…I want to live."
The moment is a tense one, as Ivan still does not speak and the machines still do not move. Silently, she begs him to hear her plea, to have compassion for her. He had been so kind to her before, he had given her this life. He had given her a precious gift, he couldn't possibly been so cold as to take it away at the drop of a dime, could he?
The machines hummed back into life and for a terrifying moment, she thought he was going to finish disassembling her. But as her limbs were being placed back into their joints and the plates welded seamlessly back into place, her eyes closed and tears silently raced down her warm cheeks. Her prayers had been answered. She released a breath that she had not known she was holding.
Ivan was still silent as he graciously reconstructed her and set her back on her feet. Her golden skin shone. Her soft sunshine hair tickled her shoulders once more. Her clothing was returned. She looked up and smiled gratefully. Finally, she heard the man heave a sigh.
"Go and join the others."
She looked to the left and saw a ramp leading down to an assembly line. Silently, Emily obeyed. She walked over and let the ramp lower her down to the line. She looked back. Now that the headlights were not shining on her anymore, she could see the glint of the observation window. She saw a large, pale man sitting behind that window, his trusted keyboard at his fingertips. He had a rather large, rounded nose, his hair was an ashen blonde, and she noted a crème colored scarf 'round his neck. He was the most beautiful man she had ever seen.
"Stay in line, alright?" His thickly accented voice told her, and this time she could actually see his lips moving in sync with the words. "I don't want any trouble." She sent him a breathtaking smile, her eyes tearing up once more. Her throat felt thick with emotion again, but she managed to say one final thing.
"Thanks, Ivan."
She moved to stand on the assembly line. Looking to her right, she saw four other models, looking exactly like her. They were stiff and unresponsive, all of them reprogrammed and ready to be sold. She realized that not only had he saved her from being completely disassembled, but he had not reinitialized her as he had said he would. She knew in that moment that she would never forget him and his compassion. A glass box was lowered over her body. She took one final look at her angel before the assembly line swiftly whisked her and her sisters away from the bravest man she would ever know.
And in the observation box, Ivan rubbed his fingers against his eyes, his last glace of that beautiful, unique, precious little life burned forever into his memory. "…my god." He whispered.
* "Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is." – Maxim Gorky
** "All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." – Galileo Galilei
A day may come when I write an America story without genderbending the poor dear. But it is not this day!
This story was inspired and based off of a beautiful 7 minute short film titled "Kara". If you haven't already watched it, I highly recommend finding it on YouTube. Also, I used italics for those two quotes because I felt very hesitant to use Google translator.
"Kara" belongs to Sony and Playstation
"Axis Powers Hetalia" belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya and FUNimation. I receive no money of any sort from this story.