It was almost eleven o'clock that evening, and Derek was running purely on adrenaline and coffee. He was jumpy and exhausted and completely run down, his neck aching and his body sore, but the show's producers had decided that they needed yet another take, yet another segment, yet another sound byte that they probably would never use anyway. So instead of heading home to find what sleep he could before the last episode, he now he stood in the rehearsal room, jumping up and down every so often to wake himself up, waiting for the camera crew to finally finish setting up.
From where he stood, he watched Shawn begin unlacing her dance shoes in the corner. Amazingly, she did not look exhausted at all; she still looked as composed as ever, and still able to smile or laugh at his smallest jokes. She was truly an amazing person, through and through – not one single bone in her body was mean or fake in any way. I really need more such people in my life, Derek mused.
As if called by the force of his thoughts, Shawn raised her head, looked around, and met Derek's eyes. She regarded him quietly for a moment, and then she smiled at him, a sad sort of smile.
Before he could react, the head crewman suddenly turned to Derek. "We're ready when you are."
Derek blinked at the camera. "Sorry … what?"
The crewman frowned at him slightly. "We're ready when you are."
"Oh, right." Derek shook his head, flexing his shoulders, jumping up and down. "Right. Let's get to it."
The cameras began to roll, the brightness of the lights drowning out most of the room, and yet Derek found himself staring at the corner where Shawn sat watching him intently. Was it his imagination, or was it that she was clearer than everything else around him? He could swear he could still see her bright blonde hair, her luminous eyes …
"So, Derek. Talk about this season, talk about anything," the production head said, eyeing him through the camera lenses.
"About anything? Sorry. My brain is fried right now. Can you just ask me a question and I'll answer it?" Derek popped his neck. "I might just fall asleep standing up if you don't."
The guy behind the camera smiled sympathetically. "Okay."
Derek looked back at Shawn, intending to smile at her - two tired conspirators enduring the price of the world - but she had now stood up and begun making her way towards where their bags sat. The smile that had come so easily to his lips faded. She's leaving, Derek thought. She's leaving me.
She's leaving me.
It's my last time to practice with Shawn.
It's my last time to see her everyday.
The last time.
Oblivious to his distraction, the production head swiveled the cameras to focus on Derek. "Okay, Derek. How about you talk about Shawn? You haven't said anything about her yet. Tell us, what's she been to you?"
A whole roil of emotions went through Derek even as he blindly turned towards the lights.
The last time.
Why had I never realized it?
"Shawn?" He asked, struggling to find words. His mind felt sluggish, slow. "I couldn't have asked for a better partner … she is … she's like a little light in my life, has been my little spark," he began, and although he tried to clear the waver in his voice, the feelings that now ran rampant through him were choking him, betraying him.
The last time.
His mouth was running off on him, and he could not seem to filter or stop what it was that he was saying. "She really inspired me … a lot … and has given me confidence in myself again. And to win the All-Stars Season … would be the perfect ending."
In the stunned silence that followed, Derek turned away from the cameras. He wanted to run away, to hide. What the hell had he just admitted? On national TV?
To Shawn?
As he stood there, trying to gather himself, he heard the sound of running, felt arms wrap around his waist. Even without looking, Derek knew Shawn was there, and he blindly turned to face her. He gathered her into his arms, placing his chin on her head, hugging her fiercely. "Love you," he whispered.
Truer words have never been said, he thought to himself.
Shawn hugged him back, just as fiercely. The rightness of her in his arms was like a balm, soothing his self-recrimination and reassuring him in his moment of vulnerability. "Love ya," she whispered, and in those two words, Derek heard all of his emotions reflected back at him, tinged with a deep understanding. It was an admission of truth, but at the same time they also both recognized it for what it was: a bittersweet goodbye, very much like regret.
There are some things that you should have more of in your life, that's true, but there are really just some things you can never have.
So for a few seconds he held her, trying to memorize the feel of her, the essence of light in his life. Then he broke away, and without even speaking they turned, as one, towards the door. On their right were three framed pictures of their dances: their greatest triumphs, whatever the results may be tomorrow. Derek saluted them, a silent farewell.
Au revoir, he thought. And thank you.
And he and Shawn were out the door and into the night.