Enjoy!
From the company that went from a magical fulfiller of hopes and dreams, to the bloated, iron-fisted tyrant of the film industry, comes the latest remake of a timeless classic, that takes everything you loved about the original, and takes a big steaming dump all over it.
Beauty And The Beast!
Sit back for the Disney sensation that offered nothing new, exciting or surprising, but still made an shitton of money at the box office because parents will look for any excuse to get rid of their kids for two hours.
Welcome to the charming countryside of colonial France, that somehow has more black people in it than a Harlem ghetto.
See Emma Watson as the latest incarnation of one of the most beloved characters in Disney history; Who isn't as pretty as the original, as sympathetic as the original, as interesting as the original and sure as hell can't sing like the original, in a role that Watson only qualified for because the studio was willing to invest in the best auto-tunning equipment that money could buy.
See this bland, moderately attractive girl rejected by society because of her intelligence and creativity, because God knows that modern trend hasn't been beaten to death already.
Tremble in anticipation for the modern reimagining of all your favorite Beauty And The Beast characters, only to reel in horror at the nightmare inducing abominations that modern effects have turned them into.
Then crank the Cringe Meter up to eleven as Disney introduces its first openly gay character, in the most half-assed reveal of all time. Accomplishing the truly unique feat of pissing off every single demographic on Disney's bloated radar. Because gay people wanted their character to actually act gay for more than five seconds, while nobody else wanted the homo bastard in the movie in the first place.
So break out your wallet for this empty air castle that managed to gross over a billion dollars with some special effects and Emma Watson's name, proving once and for all that people will buy anything if you slap the right logo on it.
Starring:
No Beauty- Belle
Beastly Abby- The Prince
Gasturd- Gaston
Half-Assed Homo- Lefou
Gagsworth- Cogsworth.
Box Office And The Beast!