"It's late, you shouldn't be here," a soft voice whispered.
Cold, but still soft, as if talking on the wind. The chocolate-brown haired boy made no movement to leave. He was gazing from the viewing platform of Tokyo Tower, out at the sparkling night lights of the city. He wasn't sure if he'd ever get the chance to do that again.
"You don't care, why bother pretending?" Kamui's voice was cold, but held a hint of slight interest.
Subaru walked up to lean against wall behind Kamui. It was true; he didn't really care. He just thought it kinder to tell the boy he shouldn't be there then just stand there staring for awhile.
"Lack of anything better to do," Subaru answered neutrally. He knew Kamui hadn't been particularly keen on the idea of him becoming the sakurazukamori, but it also wasn't the younger boy's place to judge that. Kamui didn't particularly care if it wasn't, though, he felt betrayed by the one person he thought would never hurt him. That in itself left a cold print on the young Dragon of Heaven's soul. Subaru didn't care about that, though. He may have once, but he really felt no need to care for the other boy now. He had nothing left to give, anyway. Taking a few steps, he was standing next to Kamui, the wind rustling through both of their clothes.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" Subaru asked conversationally, staring out over Tokyo. Distantly he remembered such a view once before, when he was sixteen, but he often tried to block that from his mind. He didn't want to think of that.
"Tomorrow, it may all be gone," Kamui commented absently, and the onmyouji turned to look at him.
"Oh?"
Kamui turned to Subaru, flashing the rare genuine smile reserved for him, and him alone. Then he turned back to the view, his hair ruffling slightly.
"Tomorrow, I'm taking the shinken. I'm sick of playing around, tomorrow, I fight for real," he absently commented, swatting his hand through the air to catch passing sakura petals. Irony seemed to be a big part of his life now. He sighed and shook his head, releasing the captured blossom to fly through the night sky once more. Subaru raised an eyebrow, but decided better then to comment on that.
After a few moments of an uncomfortable silence, Subaru decided he'd had enough and turned to Kamui. "What sparked the sudden change of heart?" he asked calmly, eyeing the younger boy with a curiosity that bordered on annoyance.
"Losing you," answered Kamui truthfully, without turning to face Subaru. He couldn't face him, not after everything that had happened. He blamed himself for a lot of what Subaru had gone through the past year, and seeing the pain in the onmyouji's eyes would probably give him a breakdown. He stared more at the cityscape, the sunset rising over the buildings, dawn approaching rapidly through the darkness.
After a few more minutes, Subaru flicked his cigarette down. "Losing me?" he repeated, as if he had heard wrong.
Kamui somehow knew that he'd say that. "I knew, that night. I knew I lost you forever, I could tell, I knew you'd never come back to us. After all, you have no reason to. I just wish I could save someone, after all," the seal paused, turning to eye the onmyouji with a pained look, "I know I'll never be able to get Fuuma back, I realized that, when I lost you. I also accepted it, so.. I decided, I'd just try to stop him. I want to try and protect you, I guess," Kamui finished. The words were shaky, as if he were afraid to say it.
Subaru thought about that for a moment, then lit another cigarette, and turned to Kamui. "How can you be sure? You'll give up so easily on him?" asked Subaru, sounding somewhat disappointed, which surprised Kamui.
Kamui shook his head, glaring away from Subaru, unable to hold the other's gaze. "I'm not like you, Subaru, I can't let him control my life," the words came out with a bitter snap which surprised the older onmyouji. He sensed something deeper in Kamui's words. Jealousy? He wasn't sure.
Kamui continued, "because I know it's pointless, Fuuma won't come back to me. Accepting that makes me realize the least I can do for Fuuma is make sure that my twin star doesn't ruin his conscience anymore, doesn't bloody his hands anymore. He doesn't deserve that, and I will do whatever I can to accomplish that, but I still want to protect you. You... gave me the feeling that despite all I've gone through, it's not my fault. That I shouldn't feel guilty. You shouldn't, either, but you don't care what I say, do you? Of course not, I'm just a helpless fifteen year old."
Subaru winced. He did care to an extent about Kamui, and did care what the boy said, and he didn't like having it thrown in his face. "Maybe I do care, Kamui," Subaru countered, voice neutral. He had been perfecting that lately.
"About what I say? You never listened to me to begin with," the answer was natural, the exact one Subaru had been expecting.
"I do care what you say, else I wouldn't be talking to you, and don't say it's because I'm bored, I could easily go ramble to your counterpart, he'd find what I say amusing," Subaru replied, annoyance clearly visible in his tone, causing Kamui to flinch.
Subaru winced a little and took a few more steps toward the younger boy, and placed a hand lightly on his shoulder. In response, Kamui jerked away. He'd never really been used to human contact, and despite the fact that he cared a lot for Subaru, he was still a little nervous around him. After all, the former seal had taken Seishirou's place as an angel, and was Kamui's enemy. Subaru, for the most part, ended up avoiding the battles. He didn't care about the fate of the world one way or another anyway.
"Kamui, listen, you don't have to protect me, I don't want you to suffer because of me," the onmyouji whispered, kneeling next to Kamui.
Kamui winced a little, "I thought, at one time, that I was in love with you, you know. I realized that it was more of a hero-worship sort of thing. Like the family I never had but desperately needed. Now you're gone, and I'm alone again. Everything I touch breaks." Kamui looked down at Subaru sadly. He felt like he was about to cry, but for all the power he had, he had to try and keep those tears inside. He didn't want Subaru to see him crying.
"No, Kamui. I was broken before I met you, you didn't do this to me. Don't you ever blame yourself for that, okay? And I'm glad you thought of me like a brother, and I still think of you like one. Didn't you realize that? That's why I'm staying away from these fights. I don't want to hurt you," Subaru replied, still kneeling in front of Kamui. Somehow, his words, despite being true, seemed to come out more like hallow whimpers. He hoped Kamui didn't decide to distrust him now and not believe him. For some reason, he'd always been attached to the boy, and to be thrown away would probably hurt pretty badly. He tilted his head a little to peer at Kamui, curious as to what the young seal would do.
To Subaru's surprise, it seemed as though Kamui genuinely believed him... or at least he wanted to, anyway. He hugged Subaru tight, and despite his efforts not to cry, he started to anyway. It was nearly impossible to hold it in after he had started, so he just let himself cry his eyes out against the onmyouji's shirt, sniffling and muttering apologies for his outburst. Subaru... I'm scared, you know. I'm really scared," he whispered after he managed to calm himself down.
"When the battle starts, there won't be any time to be afraid, you'll only have time to act on impulse, and usually impulse is your best bet, anyway," Subaru replied, pushing some brown strands from Kamui's eyes.
"I'd feel better if you were there... you always seem to make me feel better. I'm not afraid when you're around," Kamui looked up into Subaru's mismatched eyes, the left an envious shade of green, mixed with tangled emotions, the right as white as snow, blank, just there. His own eyes filled with mild curiosity at what was running through the other man's head.
Subaru tilted his head, then stood up and held out his arm. On his arm, a bird with three heads appeared, each head tilted to one side to peer at Kamui. "I'll watch you, using my shiki. You can see it, ne? Then, you'll know I am there. That's the best I can offer you, is it good enough?" Subaru looked at Kamui, offering his arm to the boy. The shiki, as if understanding it's master's wish, hopped onto Kamui's shoulder, rubbing it's head against the seal's chin. Kamui smiled and nodded.
Subaru tilted his head while Kamui looked around nervously. Something was still bothering the boy. "What's wrong?" he asked instinctively, not sure whether or not he wanted to really know.
Kamui looked up, almost shocked. "I.. Promise not to laugh?" he paused while Subaru nodded solemnly. Then, Kamui continued, "Well.. I uh.. I never really liked Kotori.. she was my friend but.. I never thought of her as more.. I.. I had a crush on Fuuma," at the revelation, Kamui's cheeks went bright pink.
Subaru simply smiled; he'd expected that much, though he never pressured Kamui into telling. "I'm just.. a little jittery on this. I know that... my twin star knows that's how I feel.. he takes advantage of it every chance he gets. I'm just afraid he'll tell everyone... then.. well God, Yuzuriha will look at my funny for the rest of my existence, even if it is only five minutes."
Subaru smiled a little more, then shook his head. "She'd look at me funny if she knew I loved Seishirou-san, too, don't feel bad. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Cold as he may be, I don't think he's going to blurt out that you're in love with him and like being... well... molested," Subaru poked the younger boy in the side, and Kamui's cheeks turned faintly pink.
"Did Seishirou ever do that to you? Like... like what he does to me?" Kamui asked, embarrassed slightly.
Subaru shook his head a little. "Not quite, he didn't stick sharp things in my hands, or lick away my tears and strangle me from time to time. He lead me on, then broke my arm and heart, killed my sister.. and hurt me several times. Even after all that, I still loved him, and still do... therefore, you shouldn't be ashamed of how you feel, and when Yuzuriha looks at you funny, just smile angelically at her, and blow her a kiss." Subaru smiled at Kamui then turned to watch the sun, ever rising over the cityscape. It was a nice sight.
"Kamui, it's getting late, you should go home and sleep. Whatever will I tell Keiichi when you fall asleep at lunch and drop your face in your food? That would be highly amusing," Subaru whispered, grinning at Kamui who looked utterly mortified.
Then, Kamui smiled and nodded. "Will your shikigami follow me?" he asked before leaving. Subaru smiled a little, then nodded. Kamui then walked off, followed by Subaru's shikigami, leaving the onmyouji on Tokyo Tower viewing platform to lull in his own thoughts for awhile.
Cold, but still soft, as if talking on the wind. The chocolate-brown haired boy made no movement to leave. He was gazing from the viewing platform of Tokyo Tower, out at the sparkling night lights of the city. He wasn't sure if he'd ever get the chance to do that again.
"You don't care, why bother pretending?" Kamui's voice was cold, but held a hint of slight interest.
Subaru walked up to lean against wall behind Kamui. It was true; he didn't really care. He just thought it kinder to tell the boy he shouldn't be there then just stand there staring for awhile.
"Lack of anything better to do," Subaru answered neutrally. He knew Kamui hadn't been particularly keen on the idea of him becoming the sakurazukamori, but it also wasn't the younger boy's place to judge that. Kamui didn't particularly care if it wasn't, though, he felt betrayed by the one person he thought would never hurt him. That in itself left a cold print on the young Dragon of Heaven's soul. Subaru didn't care about that, though. He may have once, but he really felt no need to care for the other boy now. He had nothing left to give, anyway. Taking a few steps, he was standing next to Kamui, the wind rustling through both of their clothes.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" Subaru asked conversationally, staring out over Tokyo. Distantly he remembered such a view once before, when he was sixteen, but he often tried to block that from his mind. He didn't want to think of that.
"Tomorrow, it may all be gone," Kamui commented absently, and the onmyouji turned to look at him.
"Oh?"
Kamui turned to Subaru, flashing the rare genuine smile reserved for him, and him alone. Then he turned back to the view, his hair ruffling slightly.
"Tomorrow, I'm taking the shinken. I'm sick of playing around, tomorrow, I fight for real," he absently commented, swatting his hand through the air to catch passing sakura petals. Irony seemed to be a big part of his life now. He sighed and shook his head, releasing the captured blossom to fly through the night sky once more. Subaru raised an eyebrow, but decided better then to comment on that.
After a few moments of an uncomfortable silence, Subaru decided he'd had enough and turned to Kamui. "What sparked the sudden change of heart?" he asked calmly, eyeing the younger boy with a curiosity that bordered on annoyance.
"Losing you," answered Kamui truthfully, without turning to face Subaru. He couldn't face him, not after everything that had happened. He blamed himself for a lot of what Subaru had gone through the past year, and seeing the pain in the onmyouji's eyes would probably give him a breakdown. He stared more at the cityscape, the sunset rising over the buildings, dawn approaching rapidly through the darkness.
After a few more minutes, Subaru flicked his cigarette down. "Losing me?" he repeated, as if he had heard wrong.
Kamui somehow knew that he'd say that. "I knew, that night. I knew I lost you forever, I could tell, I knew you'd never come back to us. After all, you have no reason to. I just wish I could save someone, after all," the seal paused, turning to eye the onmyouji with a pained look, "I know I'll never be able to get Fuuma back, I realized that, when I lost you. I also accepted it, so.. I decided, I'd just try to stop him. I want to try and protect you, I guess," Kamui finished. The words were shaky, as if he were afraid to say it.
Subaru thought about that for a moment, then lit another cigarette, and turned to Kamui. "How can you be sure? You'll give up so easily on him?" asked Subaru, sounding somewhat disappointed, which surprised Kamui.
Kamui shook his head, glaring away from Subaru, unable to hold the other's gaze. "I'm not like you, Subaru, I can't let him control my life," the words came out with a bitter snap which surprised the older onmyouji. He sensed something deeper in Kamui's words. Jealousy? He wasn't sure.
Kamui continued, "because I know it's pointless, Fuuma won't come back to me. Accepting that makes me realize the least I can do for Fuuma is make sure that my twin star doesn't ruin his conscience anymore, doesn't bloody his hands anymore. He doesn't deserve that, and I will do whatever I can to accomplish that, but I still want to protect you. You... gave me the feeling that despite all I've gone through, it's not my fault. That I shouldn't feel guilty. You shouldn't, either, but you don't care what I say, do you? Of course not, I'm just a helpless fifteen year old."
Subaru winced. He did care to an extent about Kamui, and did care what the boy said, and he didn't like having it thrown in his face. "Maybe I do care, Kamui," Subaru countered, voice neutral. He had been perfecting that lately.
"About what I say? You never listened to me to begin with," the answer was natural, the exact one Subaru had been expecting.
"I do care what you say, else I wouldn't be talking to you, and don't say it's because I'm bored, I could easily go ramble to your counterpart, he'd find what I say amusing," Subaru replied, annoyance clearly visible in his tone, causing Kamui to flinch.
Subaru winced a little and took a few more steps toward the younger boy, and placed a hand lightly on his shoulder. In response, Kamui jerked away. He'd never really been used to human contact, and despite the fact that he cared a lot for Subaru, he was still a little nervous around him. After all, the former seal had taken Seishirou's place as an angel, and was Kamui's enemy. Subaru, for the most part, ended up avoiding the battles. He didn't care about the fate of the world one way or another anyway.
"Kamui, listen, you don't have to protect me, I don't want you to suffer because of me," the onmyouji whispered, kneeling next to Kamui.
Kamui winced a little, "I thought, at one time, that I was in love with you, you know. I realized that it was more of a hero-worship sort of thing. Like the family I never had but desperately needed. Now you're gone, and I'm alone again. Everything I touch breaks." Kamui looked down at Subaru sadly. He felt like he was about to cry, but for all the power he had, he had to try and keep those tears inside. He didn't want Subaru to see him crying.
"No, Kamui. I was broken before I met you, you didn't do this to me. Don't you ever blame yourself for that, okay? And I'm glad you thought of me like a brother, and I still think of you like one. Didn't you realize that? That's why I'm staying away from these fights. I don't want to hurt you," Subaru replied, still kneeling in front of Kamui. Somehow, his words, despite being true, seemed to come out more like hallow whimpers. He hoped Kamui didn't decide to distrust him now and not believe him. For some reason, he'd always been attached to the boy, and to be thrown away would probably hurt pretty badly. He tilted his head a little to peer at Kamui, curious as to what the young seal would do.
To Subaru's surprise, it seemed as though Kamui genuinely believed him... or at least he wanted to, anyway. He hugged Subaru tight, and despite his efforts not to cry, he started to anyway. It was nearly impossible to hold it in after he had started, so he just let himself cry his eyes out against the onmyouji's shirt, sniffling and muttering apologies for his outburst. Subaru... I'm scared, you know. I'm really scared," he whispered after he managed to calm himself down.
"When the battle starts, there won't be any time to be afraid, you'll only have time to act on impulse, and usually impulse is your best bet, anyway," Subaru replied, pushing some brown strands from Kamui's eyes.
"I'd feel better if you were there... you always seem to make me feel better. I'm not afraid when you're around," Kamui looked up into Subaru's mismatched eyes, the left an envious shade of green, mixed with tangled emotions, the right as white as snow, blank, just there. His own eyes filled with mild curiosity at what was running through the other man's head.
Subaru tilted his head, then stood up and held out his arm. On his arm, a bird with three heads appeared, each head tilted to one side to peer at Kamui. "I'll watch you, using my shiki. You can see it, ne? Then, you'll know I am there. That's the best I can offer you, is it good enough?" Subaru looked at Kamui, offering his arm to the boy. The shiki, as if understanding it's master's wish, hopped onto Kamui's shoulder, rubbing it's head against the seal's chin. Kamui smiled and nodded.
Subaru tilted his head while Kamui looked around nervously. Something was still bothering the boy. "What's wrong?" he asked instinctively, not sure whether or not he wanted to really know.
Kamui looked up, almost shocked. "I.. Promise not to laugh?" he paused while Subaru nodded solemnly. Then, Kamui continued, "Well.. I uh.. I never really liked Kotori.. she was my friend but.. I never thought of her as more.. I.. I had a crush on Fuuma," at the revelation, Kamui's cheeks went bright pink.
Subaru simply smiled; he'd expected that much, though he never pressured Kamui into telling. "I'm just.. a little jittery on this. I know that... my twin star knows that's how I feel.. he takes advantage of it every chance he gets. I'm just afraid he'll tell everyone... then.. well God, Yuzuriha will look at my funny for the rest of my existence, even if it is only five minutes."
Subaru smiled a little more, then shook his head. "She'd look at me funny if she knew I loved Seishirou-san, too, don't feel bad. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Cold as he may be, I don't think he's going to blurt out that you're in love with him and like being... well... molested," Subaru poked the younger boy in the side, and Kamui's cheeks turned faintly pink.
"Did Seishirou ever do that to you? Like... like what he does to me?" Kamui asked, embarrassed slightly.
Subaru shook his head a little. "Not quite, he didn't stick sharp things in my hands, or lick away my tears and strangle me from time to time. He lead me on, then broke my arm and heart, killed my sister.. and hurt me several times. Even after all that, I still loved him, and still do... therefore, you shouldn't be ashamed of how you feel, and when Yuzuriha looks at you funny, just smile angelically at her, and blow her a kiss." Subaru smiled at Kamui then turned to watch the sun, ever rising over the cityscape. It was a nice sight.
"Kamui, it's getting late, you should go home and sleep. Whatever will I tell Keiichi when you fall asleep at lunch and drop your face in your food? That would be highly amusing," Subaru whispered, grinning at Kamui who looked utterly mortified.
Then, Kamui smiled and nodded. "Will your shikigami follow me?" he asked before leaving. Subaru smiled a little, then nodded. Kamui then walked off, followed by Subaru's shikigami, leaving the onmyouji on Tokyo Tower viewing platform to lull in his own thoughts for awhile.