Bad Day Uptop
by Nikki Little
"Look what the Cheshire Cat dragged in," I said. Alice and Cheshire had sat down at an outdoor table at the Gnome Village bar. It was Saturday evening, and Alice had spent half a day uptop as a sort of vacation from the routines of Wonderland. She was still wearing her disguise of a white floral spring dress and makeup on her face. Pretty as a petite fashion model. It was obvious from her bedraggled face that her time in the world above had not gone well. Cheshire chuckled as Alice had already told him some of what had happened.
"So tell me all about it. I've got all evening and this wooden chair is actually rather comfy," I said. Cheshire chuckled again and made an obvious stare at my caboose. I slapped his paw. "You nasty cat!"
"How many times do you think a girl can get arrested in half a day without actually committing what most people - rational people - would regard as a crime?" Judging from the look on Alice's face, I guessed that it was a serious rather than rhetorical question.
"Ummm..., twice, maybe?" I guessed.
"Try eight times," said Alice.
"Eight times?" I said incredulous that she seemed serious. "You're joking. Surely, you are joking."
"No, I'm not." Alice put her head on the table. "Some people just weren't meant for life in the world above, Arianne."
"So tell what was the first one." By this time I was genuinely curious.
"I started my day in a downtown park. I was sitting at a bench reading that new Japanese anime comic book of fairy tales when some middle-aged woman in business clothes I'd never seen before started eyeing the pages. After a few minutes she went off under a tree and whipped out one of those cell phones that everybody in the world uptop seems to carry. A few minutes a later a few men in clothes that scream undercover cop showed up and sat on both sides of me. Totally without warning one snatched what I was reading and flipped through the pages while the other warned me not to move. The one looking through the comic book nodded his head and the other put handcuffs on me and began reading me my rights. It was just like one of their TV programs. They were arresting me for possession of child pornography. It seems that one of the panels showing the Big Bad Wolf chasing Little Red Riding Hood around in a circle showed Little Red Riding Hood with her clothes ripped. A little bit of her bare butt was exposed. Of all the bullshit!"
"So what did you do?"
"I snapped the handcuffs off my hands and introduced them to the Queen of Hearts. One just stood there pissing in his pants, and the other one ran so fast that he nearly ran over a rabbit running in the same direction. Jerks. I threw the handcuffs in a wastebasket and went back to reading my comic book."
"So what was the second violation?"
"Well, you know that the Queen of Hearts has a rather distinctive odor. A beat cop came by and sniffed the air around me. He looked at my battered laptop bag and decided that I must be a homeless person. He told me to move along, and I refused. I was in a foul mood and I wasn't completely back to normal. He arrested me for loitering. Stuck me in the back of his vehicle. I went along just for the ride. Just for fun - you know. You remember, of course, that Rhadamanthus gave me the gift of being able to open portals with my mind. No more need of Caterpillar's smoke portal powder. After he pulled into the police station, I dropped a portal under my caboose and transported myself back to my park bench. I broke the handcuffs and dropped them into the wastebasket on top of the first pair. Thunk!"
"Next."
"Well, by this time, my nerves were a little rattled, and I wanted a nip. You know? Just to calm the nerves. I had one small flask of Old Bill's Walnut Brandy, and I opened up the cap and took a few swallows. Nailed again. 'Open Container Violation' the cop called it. Yup, another pair of handcuffs. Well, you know about my temper. I growled at him, and, well, I guess the Queen of Hearts was loose again because suddenly the cop looked funny and there was a fowl odor coming from his pants. I just glared at him and broke the cuffs. When I dropped the broken cuffs in the waste basket, the cop ran. Good riddance!"
"Three pairs of handcuffs in the wastebasket and you hadn't even left the park. Nice going." I knew all about what assholes police in public parks can be because I had once been homeless in the world uptop. I didn't miss the place a bit. "Number Four?" I said.
"By this time, I thought that staying in the park was a bad idea, so I decided to use the subway to go somewhere else. Down in the subway I bought a day-pass - yes, I brought some money with me - from a vending machine and lined up at the turnstiles with everyone else. It was Saturday morning and very crowded. When I got up to the turnstile, the turnstile wouldn't take my day-pass. It just kept spitting it back out. I had just bought it! The people behind me were getting impatient, so I just climbed over the turnstile. Yup. Nailed again. Wouldn't it be cheaper to just pay for the subways with taxes and get rid of the turnstiles and ticket machines? Don't cops have better things to do than arrest people because they climbed over a malfunctioning turnstile? You'd think so, but there's no rational design to the world above. Everything is about money, and they don't care how much they spend to enforce the pricing mechanism. Off to the pokey. Again."
"You certainly do seem to have a knack for getting into trouble. It's weird how the world above works. No wonder the Gnomes never, ever go uptop."
"The transit cops said that a malfunctioning turnstile was no excuse to climb over without paying. I waved the ticket in their faces as proof that I had already paid. No dice. Climb over a turnstile. Get arrested if a transit cop spots you. I decided to show off a little. I broke the handcuffs, ripped them off my hands, and dropped them through a portal into the wastebasket in the park with the other broken handcuffs. The transit cops thought I was a magician and started hustling me into some sort of holding cell. In the cell, I yelled at them, turned around, and yanked up my skirt. Yeah, I know. Someday I just gotta start wearing panties."
Suddenly Cheshire seemed to take an interest in Alice's story.
"I was looking around as I flipped my skirt up. The white cop looked disgusted. The Latino cop fainted. The black cop looked like he was having a heart attack. Some bony goth chick who walked by shouted at me to lay off the chocolate. A doctor who walked by gave me a thumbs up. He guessed my age at 32. That was nice. I pulled my mental portal trick and appeared outside the holding cell and went on my way, glaring at the white cop as I walked past. He didn't try to stop me."
By this time, I was amazed. Alice had told me that it wasn't even noon yet, and she had been arrested four times. Of course, homeless people, such as I was, don't get the chance to be arrested four times in one day because once we get arrested, it's days before we get out on even the pettiest stuff. We don't have money for bail. "Okay," I said. "Let's hear about number five."
"I walked to a subway car and, after all I had been through, was feeling a bit hungry. After I got on and sat down, I pulled a chocolate bar out of my apron and unwrapped it. A transit cop walked by and slapped handcuffs on me. I was incredulous. I shouted at him 'What for?' He read me my rights and pronounced the charge as eating on the subway. It was illegal to eat on the subway. I began to wonder just how many other laws existed that I didn't know about. I wondered how foreign tourists managed to make it through even a single day in the U.S. without running afoul of some petty law. The cop made me get off at the next stop, and as he was marching me toward some holding tank, and teen-aged boy who had seen me get arrested started to serenade me with some old rock song titled 'Wild Thing' I think. He sure was startled when I told him I was fifty."
"So there you were on your way to the holding tank being serenaded by a nearsighted teenaged boy. What next? I can't imagine what happened next." It was Cheshire who was speaking this time.
"The cop put me in the holding tank and I broke the handcuffs as soon as his back was turned. I pulled out my flask of Old Bill's Walnut Brandy and finished it on the spot. Needless to say, I was feeling quite a bit better after emptying the flask. I pulled my mental portal trick again and transported myself about two feet to the left in my cell. I transported only myself, my socks, my shoes, and the handcuffs, if you get my drift. The cop had his back turned and nobody else was looking. When he turned around, I greeted him. Just me, my socks and shoes, my birthday suit, and the broken handcuffs still on my wrists. I flashed him an enormous grin as I waved my wrists in the air. He dropped his coffee and fast food crap from Taco Bell. I turned around slowly to give him a better view of the one thing I've got that's worth staring at. The cop shouted at the top of his lungs for me to put my clothes on and called me a freak. As everyone turned around to stare, I quietly made my getaway to an isolated spot in the park where I had started my day. I broke the handcuffs off my wrists, put my clothes back on, and then disposed of the broken handcuffs in the usual spot. There were now five broken pairs of handcuffs in that wastebasket. Pity I didn't get to see everyone staring at the cop as they wondered why he was shouting at an empty cell."
Cheshire spoke up again. "Let me guess. Arrest number six was for public intoxication."
"And pissing on the cop's shoes. Not wearing underthings can be mighty handy at times."
"More handcuffs?"
"Yup."
"The usual?"
"Yup."
"Did he even manage to get you to a cell?"
"Nope. I broke the handcuffs and disappeared. So sorry. Miss Alice did not want to play. I sure made him angry."
"What did you do?"
"When I disappeared through the portal, I grabbed his pants and took them with me."
"You what?"
"Well, it was Old Bill's Walnut Brandy. After a whole flask, I was a little tipsy, you know, Arianne?"
Alice pulled the cop's pants out of her laptop bag and held them out in front of us. "You think these will fit Hatter?" Cheshire stared at the pants.
"That is one seriously short cop."
"Yeah, I know. That's why I took his pants. Think they'll fit Hatter?"
A gnome woman passing by heard the conversation and looked at the pants. "Oh, yeah. Those will fit Hatter. Maybe take in the waist an inch or two. Those will fit. Definitely. You buy those uptop?"
"Nope. I stole them."
"She stole them right off the cop who was wearing them," chuckled Cheshire.
The gnome woman stared at Alice. "Got busted up there didn't you?" She walked away as if Alice stealing the pants off a cop was the most natural thing in the world.
"Do you think I should return the cop's wallet and car keys?" asked Alice. Everybody ignored the question because we were all thinking the same thing. Sometimes Alice is just too honest for her own good.
"Okay, time for number seven. Wait a moment while I get us some brandy and iced tea." Cheshire went to the counter of the gnome bar and got us the drinks. The gnome bar was the only public bar in Wonderland and was a social gathering center. It was quite popular on weekends. The wooden tables looked a bit primitive, but they were well-sanded. The wooden chairs were about as comfortable as wooden chairs can be. Alice and I, of course, have our own built-in seat cushions. We're both a size twelve which does have its compensations. Cheshire's bony bum was probably starting to hurt, and I suspect he got up to get us drinks just for an excuse to get up and walk around a bit. He came back with the drinks.
"Walnut brandy for Alice because she probably needs it. Iced tea for Arianne because she's on a diet. Iced tea for me simply because I'm not in the mood for alcohol."
Cheshire is always telling people that I'm on a diet to needle me. It bugs me, but I said nothing because I didn't want to provide any fun for him. I gave up dieting when I realized I'd have to starve to get rid of the backside. I'm getting used to it. Sort of. At least it doesn't hurt to sit on a wooden chair anymore.
"Need a pillow, Cheshire?" Now I was needling him. Cheshire was sitting down again, and I figured he'd be squirming again in about fifteen minutes. Gnomes passed our table back and forth and occasionally tipped a hat to us. Alice started to tell us about arrest number seven.
"What naturally follows an arrest for public intoxication?" asked Alice.
Cheshire scratched his head. "Well, since you peed on the cop's shoes, it couldn't be for public indecency because you had already unloaded."
"Wrong," said Alice. "I was only able to unload a little on the cop's shoes. I still had to go."
"So you did get arrested for public indecency? You did do your business in public?"
"Have you ever searched for a bathroom in Washington D.C.? First I looked in the subway station near the park. Surely every subway station would have a bathroom available, right? Nope. No public bathroom in the subway station. I looked everywhere. Then I looked in the park. Still nothing. I was about to give up and open a portal to Wonderland just to take a leak when I thought of just going into the bushes. After all, I wasn't wearing undies and it would be no big deal, right? I forgot about something."
"What's to forget? It's not like there's going to be a cop in every bush." Cheshire was as blissfully innocent of the world above as Alice.
"The set of bushes that I chose to relieve myself in was not visible to the public at ground level. Up overhead, however..."
"Cameras?" I asked. If there's one thing homeless people know about, it's the proliferating surveillance cameras that seem to exist sometimes for the sole purpose of criminalizing the existence of homeless people.
"Yes," said Alice. "A park surveillance camera overhead caught me in the act of relieving myself. Some security officer was watching that camera at just the right moment. Nailed again. Within minutes some cop showed up and slapped handcuffs on me again. It was like something out of some surreal movie. I couldn't spend more than half an hour in the world above before I got arrested for something. I started to laugh and the cop suspected that I was some escaped loony. While he had me in the back seat of his car in handcuffs with the doors locked and that grill cage up, he called in to ask if there were any reports of escapes from asylums for the criminally insane. What's so fuckin' insane about takin' a leak in the bushes because you can't find a public bathroom?"
"So did you do your usual?" asked Cheshire. Alice was now telling about parts that Cheshire had not yet heard. Alice nodded and went on to arrest number eight.
"I saw one of those taco stands that had fish tacos on its menu. It was around lunch time, and I was perfectly okay with a fish taco for lunch. I do eat seafood. I'm not a perfect vegetarian. When I finished my taco, I walked over to a public square to toss the wrapper into a waste basket. I sat down at one of those outdoor metal courtyard tables and opened up a small netbook that Hatter had refurbished. It automatically connected to the strongest open wireless network available as its default setting, and I merrily surfed away. Some employee of a nearby cafe came outside to pick up trash and saw me sitting there. I didn't think anything of it. Ten minutes later a cop showed up and snatched my netbook to see what network I was connected to. I was in a public area. The network was open. No password. I thought it was a public network. Some cities have those. It was the cafe's network and I was charged with 'illegally accessing a computer network.' My protest that it was an open network with no password fell on deaf ears. The handcuffs came out again."
"Piggybacking? You were arrested for piggybacking an open wireless network in a public space?" I was incredulous. Cheshire probably didn't even know what a wireless network was let alone what piggybacking was. I sure knew, however. I used to live in the world uptop. Casually accessing an open wireless network comes naturally to the young people. To make this a crime left me speechless.
"By this time I was getting punch-drunk and started to laugh at the police officer. He thought I was high on drugs and wanted to test me for drug usage. He was fishing for something else to charge me with. I was amazed at how easy it was in the world uptop to get into trouble without causing harm to anyone else. I am starting to believe that everything, including just being alive, is illegal in the world uptop. I stared at the police officer. I asked him if he was going to demand that I pee in a cup. When I realized that was exactly what he planned to do, I stood directly in front of him and broke the handcuffs. And then I disappeared."
Alice opened up her laptop bag again and whipped out a pair of pants. "Do you think that these would fit Mr. White?"
Cheshire nearly fell out of his chair. "Yes, yes,... I do think that those would fit Mr. White. That makes all eight arrests. Let's go inside the gnome library and watch the news."
We walked in just in time to see the tail end of the national news. "In news of the weird, two cops in Washington, D.C. have lost their jobs after first losing their pants. They both tried to blame the lost pants on the elusive folk heroine Alice of Wonderland. Now seriously, what would Alice of Wonderland do with two pairs of hot pants?"
The End
This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.
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