"Catnip..." I muttered as I entered the room. Only a few hours have passed since all the chaos erupted, lives were lost, fates have been changed, and I can't help but wonder if we could be next in line. Katniss was still bedridden and was still knocked out unconscious. I hated seeing her this way, so weak, so feeble; I never thought I'd see the day...
I walked to her side carefully, even if I knew she was going to be out for quite some time. I can't believe how far we've come, from hunting and starving to fighting and barely breathing. "What have you done... what have we done..." I whispered as I sat next to her.
I took her hand in mine, and held it as tight as I could, like I could never let go of it ever again. Over and over, the Capitol, Snow and all else have tried to take her away from me, time after time, even Peeta.
Peeta. His name is like poison to my ears, a poison that I must take willingly, even if it will kill me eventually, at least it would save her. Oh, if only she knew what it was like seeing him hold her in his arms, instead of mine, the burning sensation that flooded my eyes as I watched them struggle to live, watching just as hard as the government did. If only she could feel the way I did the first time he kissed her, and even worse, the day she kissed him back.
But she didn't, she would never know, nor could I tell her. She has more to worry about now, if only she weren't the charismatic mockingjay that everyone thought she was, but she wouldn't be my Catnip if she weren't.
My Catnip, those words linger like a lost memory, but she wasn't mine, she was for everyone in Panem, for everyone who waited for this day to come. There is no turning back now, the only way to go is forward with her leading the way, and I will stand faithfully beside her, even if it kills me.
She stirred a bit in bed; I think she can sense that I'm here. "Hey Catnip," I muttered, she jerks her head but her eyes stay closed. "Get as much rest as you want; you're going to need it"
I pulled up the sheets to her neck and wrapped my arms around her, I haven't said anything yet but I know how she's going to react. The moment I tell her that Peeta is good as dead, she's going to lose herself. She'll eventually figure out that they're using Mellark as bait, not that I have a problem with that... but she does.
"What the hell are you thinking!" I said to myself. This is hardly the time for my bitter beckoning and my selfish desires, she wouldn't want that. Besides, I owe Mellark my life, one way or another. He took care of Katniss when I couldn't, he made sure she was happy and safe, so I do owe him my life, she IS my life.
I laughed at myself a bit as I thought about what I wanted before. I planned out my life quite well, we were going to get married and be happy together, something rarely seen at the Seam. We were hardworking and wise so we'd eventually clamour our way to a decent lifestyle, even if it meant lying, cheating and stealing to get there. But it wouldn't have mattered, as long as we had each other, I'd convince her to have a child despite the odds, a little Hawthorne. I feel silly thinking about all this, seeing how far this all is from reality.
Reality being: I will die to save her, and to save the rest of those I love. I'm going to save her no matter what, and she can be happily living my fantasy with Peeta instead, in a utopian world called District thirteen where everyone is free and happy that the mockingjays would wake them up to the smell of Peeta's fantastical baked bread and they would be sickeningly sweet as they waited for their little Mellark to wake and live each day with no worries. And maybe, by a happy chance, he'd be named Gale Mellark, or Hawthorne Mellark if they'd rather have it that way. While they have this magical future, my soul would be left in District twelve, or what's left of it, to haunt the rubble along with the other souls that would surely be lost.
"IS she still asleep?" declared a booming voice. Haymitch entered and shook me out of my reverie.
"She won't be for any longer thanks to you" I snapped back irritably.
"Feisty one, you are" he said, rolling his eyes as he sat on the other side of the bed. "I could see why you two are meant for each other"
I snickered so bitterly, it was immensely satisfying.
"Oh? No snappy comeback? You're not denying it? So there is something then..."
"There's nothing to deny, Haymitch, do yourself a favor and tone down your voice if you don't want her to knock you out"
"How could she knock me out if she's knocked out?"
"Personally, I'd rather do it for her myself" I threatened, staring him down. Haymitch crossed his arms and hung his head.
"They should have drawn your name instead of Peeta's" he said, trying to offend me, but it backfired.
"Sometimes, I wish that they did" I whispered, staring at her calm face. "They should have taken me instead, I should have volunteered" I added looking up. "But I have a family to feed, you know? My mother and the kids need me, my dad died in the mines"
"I'm sorry about that" said Haymitch nonchalantly. "Count your blessings, kid, they're probably going to hang Peeta's head and squeeze the living daylights out of the boy" said Haymitch, trying not to react to how much he was deeply troubled himself.
"But Katniss knows me better; she wouldn't go after me, not because she doesn't love me... if she does... but because she knows that I've wanted freedom for so long, and I know the worst of it anyway, death under their arms wouldn't scare me, and she knows that" I replied confidently.
"And you think Peeta is anything else?"
"He's strong... yes, but... he doesn't know as much as he thinks he does..." I said, trying to muster the slightest bit of cordiality.
"Not much as you is what you're trying to say?", I ignored this. "They really should have taken you" said Haymitch. "But we could have never played the love card on you two"
"And why is that? You know, I love her just as much as he does and JUST BECAUS-" I replied heatedly.
"It worked out for Peeta and Katniss, because they're a match made in heaven". I'm starting to think Haymitch's face wants to meet my fist. "All perfect and lovely, but you couldn't do what he does"
"What makes you say that?!?"
"Look, you barely know how to smile, what more actual goodwill". He has a point. "I've told her a thousand times over that she doesn't deserve him, I still stick with that... not that I'm trying to ruin Peeta's chances, of course, but they're too good to be true, you know? Something is bound to go wrong"
"Ever the optimist" I sniggered.
"Whatever it is," he said, standing up. "You have a lot to deal with ahead of you, Gale" he worded ever so clearly. "She's going to fight to get him back, and I'm sure you don't plan on letting her do that alone."
"Not the slightest chance"
"But of course" he mocked. "Just know that Peeta's ONLY flaw is his goodness, he's all too caring, if you haven't noticed, and your flaws..." mumbled Haymitch. "Are honestly too many to count, but for SOME REASON, there is something about Katniss that you two love. Possibly for him, it's how unlike they are, and for you, how much you are the same..."
"Peeta, would survive with another girl, he'd manage... he's all too good, just like what you said" I said sternly. "I wouldn't be able to LIVE without her" I said looking at Katniss, desperately. "He'd be perfect with anyone who needed him, but I need Katniss and no one else. And I think--- I'm all she needs. This is where we the line is drawn, Haymitch, he'd carry on, with or without her, but I won't, and that makes all the difference"
We stay silent for a few, Haymitch clearly thinking about Peeta, his once protege', and how he's living up, but I have other things in mind, a lot more.
Haymitch finally manages to say: "You have serious competition, if you manage to save him"
"We will save him, and then we'll start off even" I said, feeling destined.
"You go do that... but you have been warned" he answered as he left the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
"I know that you will want to get Peeta back, but right now, I'm going to tell you something I wouldn't be able to tell you when you do wake" I said as I bent down towards her ear. "I love you, and I'm going to fight for your love, no matter what the cost"