I feel like I am obligated to tell you that this will not be a Cinderella story or any sort of fairy tale. At moments 13 Reasons Why was funny, heartwarming, and clever but all us fans know the a good part of the content was dark. The life of Hannah Baker was in no way sugar coated and I will not stray away from that original you are curious I will try my best to post on Mondays. Don't hold me to it too my word there, but ill do my best to be consistent.
Hey, it's me, 10writer10. That's right. Don't adjust your... whatever device you're reading this on. It's me, live and in print. No return engagements, no encore. And this time absolutely no requests. Get a snack. Settle in. 'Cause I'm about to tell you the story of Hannah Baker's life. Specifically the second part.
The rules here are pretty simple. There are only two. Rule number one: you read. Number two: you pass it on to your friends. Hopefully, neither one will be easy. It's not supposed to be easy, or I would have emailed you an PDF. When you're done reading all 13 chapters, because there are 13 sides to every story, flip to the first chapter, copy the link in the search bar, and pass it on to the next person you text.
Read this story of her life completely. Or, you know, just throw the link away and I'll never know. Or will I? You see, in case you're tempted to break the rules, understand I did make a copy of these pages, and I left them with a trusted individual who, if this link doesn't make it through all of you, will release those copies in a very public manner. This was not a spur of the moment decision. Do not take my writing for granted. Not again.
"So what now? Where are we going." Clay had asked Tony. Him, his friend Skye, Tony, and his boyfriend Brad sat in the red car that drove down the road. Clay was just happy to get some fresh air and space away from everything. The people that had hurt Hannah to the point that she gave up on life, all of the drama around the cassette tapes, what had become a stressful daily life at home had been too much for him, and he was just happy to escape for a moment. At the same time, however, he could not just disappear from his life too long, and Tony appeared to have no plans of slowing down or turning the vehicle. What was advertised as a quick drive after school had now become three hours long, and Clay had not even texted his parents yet? He was so sure they would be worried for him after his recent uncharacteristic behavior.
He had finally completed Hannah Baker's tapes and passed them onto Mr. Porter in addition to a side b to the final tape that included the confession of Bryce to the rape of Hannah Baker. He did not feel that much better about happened, the girl of his dreams had ended her life early after a seemingly endless barrage of factors that made her life unbearable, but for the first time, he was ready to accept it. He would never truly be able to move on, she was the second of his closest of his friends to pass away after his buddy Jeff Atkins had died in a tragic and untimely car crash related to a downed stop sign. It would be impossible for him to forget the impact Hannah and Jeff had made on his life, nor did he need to. Clay had finally learned that he could not change the past, and even though he had regretted the only thing he could do was try to change his actions in the next situation. He had absorbed that lesson and was ready to insert it into his daily life. He liked to say he moved on, but while he had learned he still desired to live in the past.
A perfect example of the new and improved Clay was the way he reached out to Skye. Clay had noticed many of the hidden warning signs to Hannah's pain that had flown directly over his head were present in his once close friend as well. The girl who worked in the popular cafe by the school had made a habit of cutting her wrist to deal with pain, had experienced a fair share of bullying, and shared depressed emotions that Hannah once did before the ending of her life. Clay had promised himself to take it into his own hands to make sure Skye had the support she needed. Clay made sure to try and keep her path from leading down the dark one Hannah eventually decided to roam down, the path that had no way back.
The wind blew through Clay's hair as Tony continued to drive down the highway. All four of the members of the group were laughing and having a good time for the first time in a while. Since he first received the box of cassette tapes that Hannah had left behind his life had been turned completely upside down. He had had a tough time coping with her death the first time and listening to the tapes that revealed everything she had really felt was like slowly living through it all over again. Hannah had been the love of his life and since he lost her he had not been able to just have a good time with all the events that had followed. It was nice to reconnect with Skye and just joke around with his peers like he had once done before. All the madness that followed the tapes did not suit him, as the events that occurred and the people he had met pushed him to his own limits. The trip, although he did not know where they were going, was an excellent way to decompress. He was displeased that everyone in the car around him had prior notice to where they were going except him.
Clay was not the only member of the student community that had been hit hard. Alex had been pushed over the edge and had taken an attempt on his life with a gunshot to the head and remained in critical condition in the hospital. Sheri had taken on an incredible amount of stress and guilt after finally confessing and coming to terms with a drunken mistake that had resulted in a destroyed stop sign which could not do its job and save the life of Jeff, and to top it off would potentially face legal charges. Jessica had also taken a big blow from the tapes when she realized Bryce had raped her in a party which was denied by her boyfriend Justin. Both members of that relationship were in pain as Justin broke his links with Bryce after coming to terms with the fact that Bryce was not his friend but a horrible person, and he was left to live on the streets rather than return to his abusive stepfather or Jessica. And that was only the problems that clay realized. All eleven students had felt the consequences of the actions in their consciences and for some, there would be criminal penalties for what they had done.
The suicide of Hannah Baker did not only affect the students, but it hurt the school staff as well. Mr. Porter, the guidance counselor who had given Hannah the worst possible advice and failed to see her problems, was likely to lose his job as the only staff member to make a major appearance in the girl's tapes that listed all the reasons involved in the decision to end her life.
While he was to get the worst of it the whole staff, however, had felt the effects of what happened. Suicide prevention posters and talks had been put into classrooms and discussion topics too late. The school now tried to eliminate some of the aspects of the awful teen environment it provided only after the damage was done. The teachers could erase the hateful messages that were scraped into the bathroom stalls, but they still failed to get rid of the hate within the school community as even some of those involved in Hannah's tapes were unable to learn from their old mistakes. There was a lawsuit in place to punish the school for their negligence. If there were not enough problems with all that, the whole situation had only worsened after Alex had attempted suicide as well.
As for the Baker family, there was nothing but tears and remorse to be seen from what remained of the once happy trio. Hannah's mother had been relentless in her battle with the school as she blamed them for the death of her only daughter. Mr. Baker, on the other hand, had been struggling to keep the family pharmacy open while doing his best to cope with the tragedy internally. Nothing good could possibly come out of their only child's death, but the least they could do their best to make sure there was change so when the next kid like Hannah came along there would be help around. They just wanted to stay afloat and make sure under their control, no couple would have to endure what they did.
They had left all of that madness behind when they went on the road. It was not over yet, but for the time being they could take a break and relax. Out of everyone Clay had needed it the most. Out of all the people in the car, Clay had been hit the hardest. That was because all he had to do in his mind to save her was tell her the truth. All he had to do was admit he loved her and maybe just maybe she would still be around to this day. Everyone in the car knew she was gone, but he was the one that was in her tape. Even if she said he did nothing wrong, that hurt him deeply.
Tony pulled the car over at a nearby diner thanks to the fact that he was hungry and Clay in the back had been whining about his need to use the restroom. He pulled into a spot and Clay ran off to the bathroom while the other three were settled into the table and looking at the menus. While Clay was still relieving himself Brad looked over towards the bathroom and said "Tony. I don't get it. Why are we doing this like this? Shouldn't we tell him where we are going? This seems very extreme."
Tony shook his head. "If it were up to me I would, but I do not make the rules I only enforce them."
Brad nodded. "Fair enough," he said. "I am just glad you have finally decided to let me in on what has been going on. Before you did, all of the secrets were really threatening our relationship. I guess a few more hours would not cause too much harm but as soon as this is over I am done with all the secrets. That includes-."
"Shhhhh," Skye said to quiet down the group. Clay was returning from the bathroom and they quickly started a random discussion to keep the table from being awkward when he returned.
"So what did I miss?" he exclaimed, clearly pleased that he had relieved his bladder and narrowly avoided an accident.
Skye shrugged "Just looking at the specials." She threw the menu down. "Nothing interesting there. I think I will stick to a simple burger, this place does not look very classy and I would steer clear out of anything too complex. I have a sensitive stomach."
Tony nodded "Let's make this quick, we have a schedule to keep. Does anyone have a problem with cheeseburgers." When nobody complained Tony rose his hand and called out "Waiter, we will all have one cheeseburger!"
The group was in a typical, meaningless, teenage conversation when a man came up to them and asked: "Tony, is that you?"
Tony looked up to see the middle-aged man standing over them. "Dan? How are you doing? These are my friends, Clay, Skye, and Brad." Brad shot Tony a look before he continued "Well it is great to see you. I'll tell my dad I ran into you today."
The two spoke for a minute before they parted ways. As soon as Dan left the table Brad asked "Your friend? I do not get it. Do I still embarrass you? Whenever you introduce me to anyone you know it is always as a friend? Why can't you just introduce me as your boyfriend, is that such a big thing to ask?"
"Can we speak of this later Brad?" Tony asked and his boyfriend rolled his eyes before agreeing. Perhaps holding an argument to a more private location rather than a public dinner in front of their friends was not a great idea.
The waiter brought over the four cheeseburgers and the smell of cheap fries and the beef patties filled the air around them. The food was far from great, the cook had failed to cook the patties evenly and they were a bit cold from the middle, which was a bit unsettling. They had already put a ton of salt on the fries in the kitchen before serving them, which was okay because based on the burger's foul taste the fries probably needed it. If they were not in a rush they surely would have sent the mockery of a meal back to the kitchen and demanded a refund, but their time crunch and their hunger allowed them to eat what the diner had called food. It was sure, not worth the fifty dollar bill it accumulated but it was not worth the twenty minute argument either. They just finished their food quietly and when the waiter came to ask if they needed anything else they made sure to say no. They should have just went to the McDonalds a mile down the road, it would have been a much better decision.
Tony took the bill against some of the other group members arguments to split it before they were soon back on the road. "They had been in the car for almost three hours and Clay began to wonder exactly what was going on. Three hours was a very long time to sit in the back seat for a random trip. He began to get anxious and restless in his seat. "Come on Clay. don't be like this now. You have been so good, ten more minutes and it will all be clear." Tony spoke to him like a toddler. In his defense though, Clay had begun to act like one back there asking "Are we there yet?" more times than anyone could count.
Finally, the highway led to an exit with smaller streets that led to even less populated areas until the small road they drove over did not have a single house in clear sight. What could possibly be here? Clay thought. His question was answered a few moments later when the car pulled in by a shed-like house that was alone except for the pond behind it and the trees that surrounded it.
The other three members of the group immediately got out of the vehicle and began to stretch and enter the tiny, wooden cabin. What was so special about this place? Why had he been the only member of the group to be unaware of where they were going? It did not add up to Clay. He decided to stop wondering and join the rest of his friends. He was here now, there was no more use of wondering when his answers would all be revealed shortly.
Clay joined the three in the tiny house and he immediately was drawn to the picture-perfect image of the water through the small, crooked, back window. Nothing about the place was luxurious. The hardwood floor rattled and creaked when people stepped on it. The one-floor house looked like it could collapse if someone yelled loud enough or stomped. The windows were cloudy and tiny gaps could be seen between the window frames and the wall. The funny thing was the little place actually seemed pretty relaxing and comforting. The sounds of the wildlife outside really gave the place a natural feel. That feel was amplified by the views of pure nature itself that surrounded it. It also lacked a great cellular connection so his parents would be worried sick.
The pond really drew Clay's attention. He wanted to go over and get a better look. "So, you guys want to sit by the pond or something?" he asked.
Tony shook his head "I would like to, you know I am a big nature fan as you know, but I really think there is something me and Brad should discuss." He pointed his head towards the kitchen for Brad to meet him there. They likely were talking about the whole friend/boyfriend thing that had come up earlier.
Clay looked at Skye. "How about you? Wanna go down there a minute?" he asked. To his dismay, she also shook her head.
"I'm sorry Clay, but that burger made me feel unwell. I think I am going to take a nap and see where I stand later." She walked into the room opposite of the kitchen that contained a few bunk beds. There were only three rooms in the entire house; the main room, the bedroom, the kitchen. It was going to be a tight fit if they stayed the night.
Clay rolled his eyes. He would have to go out to the pond by himself because he was not waiting for one of his friends to change their mind and join him It would be dark by then.
As soon as he opened the door he saw it. "Not again," he said. In his mind, he saw the image of a beautiful girl with pretty blue eyes and shortcut, bright brown hair sitting on a bench several yards away. It was not an unusual sight for him. The face was warm and familiar and he would normally walk over to greet it, except he knew it was no longer real. That face had passed on from this world, and the figure that sat there staring at him did not exist. He had run into her constantly in his dreams and imagination ever since he started listening to the tapes. In some cases she seemed so real he would try to communicate with her, embarrassing himself in front of everyone in public who could not see her. "Not this time" he mumbled to himself.
He did not know if she was in his imagination or some kind of a ghost that was not yet ready to move on. He stared at the girl who his mind attempted to convince him was staring back and analyzed her. Her skin was pale enough to be that of a ghost, but Hannah was always pale, wasn't she? He tried to search his memory for Hannah's exact appearance, but it hurt him to know that the girl's image in his head had started to fade. Her appearance on the bench looked quite accurate from what he could remember though. In fact, she looked even more real than some of the other dreams as if she actually sat before him. He shook the thought out of his head because Hannah was lying down six feet under her tombstone.
He missed her deeply. He wanted to see her again so badly that he believed he was making up an image of her in his head just to substitute for the hole she had left in his life. When the figure awkwardly waved to him he almost walked over and greeted it as if it were truly her, as if nothing had ever happened. He stopped himself though. Sure it was not good to let go of his memory of her and he needed to find a way to keep her alive within him but this was not it. Continuing his relationship with a dead girl in his mind was not healthy for him or anyone for that matter. He did not need to lose the memories they shared, but it was insane to make new ones without her presence. He looked away from the figure and sat beside the mouth of the pond.
He sat there for several minutes, removing his shoes and socks so that he could dip his feet in the frigid water. A yellow fish had gathered so much of his attention that he did not notice the body that blocked the sun, which would son duck under the trees, off his back. When he noticed the change of temperature on his neck he looked at his reflection to see Hannah Baker standing above him. Out of all the visions of her that had come to him, this one was surely the most complicated. He still did not wish to communicate with his imagination so he closed his eyes tight and tried hard to erase her from his current thoughts. It failed.
"Are you alright." she inquired, "I think you are going to hurt yourself if you close them any tighter." She said. "I'm no doctor though." The voice in this hallucination was just as he had remembered hers to be when she was still around.
Clay ignored the voice although he wanted to talk to her so badly. He understood in his heart that this was not her, it was just her memory that he had preserved being animated by his own thoughts. If he wanted to move on from seeing her everywhere he went at any time he could not continue to interact with her like this.
"Helmet." The voice said, "I must say that I expected this moment of us to be a little different." The memory of the girl sighed "I mean I am sure the version I had in my head was a bit exaggerated and all of that stuff, but after all this time not a single hello and a cold shoulder are way worse than I could have predicted. It's like…" The girl began to cry. Sobbing she squeaked out "It is like you never even missed me. You could've never met me and you would be no different. After all, we had been through-"
He finally spoke to the imaginary girl. "I did not miss you! Are you kidding me, Hannah! The biggest regret of my life is never telling you how I felt. You have no idea how many times I have imagined doing it all over again and telling you that I love you and always will. The funny thing is how many times I tell you in my mind nothing changes. No matter how many times I say it you will never hear it from my mouth. You will never know how I felt because you left me before I could tell you!" The words he said were sweet, but the loud, angry voice he said them with was peculiar.
He felt tears growing in his eyes. "Hannah." he choked up as he spoke "I don't get it. Why? Why do you...you do this."
The girl who had died a while back sat beside the friend that had never abandoned her throughout her entire life. Her legs were crossed as she looked out into the pond with Clay. "What do you mean why? You listened, didn't you? I was overwhelmed, I felt the world would be a better place if I never stepped foot in it. I couldn't take the names, insults, rumors, and cold-hearted lies. I was wronged far too many times for a lifetime let alone one year. I thought I made the why part very clear. You listened didn't you?" Clay shook his head.
"No, while I think you were wrong about your reasons, I understood them." he paused to move his feet around the brisk surface of the pond. "What I meant is why do we still have these conversations, me and you. Why don't you let me move on and let me continue my life? We both have made mistakes to regret, but the past is in the past and there isn't nor will there ever be anything to change it later on. No matter how many times we talk about my dreams and visions nothing will change. What do you want from me?"
"So you really do dream of me? How often?" she asked.
Clay shrugged and said "I don't count, but I have yet to go a day where I don't at least picture your face and I can't figure out why. What is it that you want in my head. What do you want from me?"
Hannah looked in Clay's direction. "Helmet, I have been here, by the lake, this whole time. I have no knowledge of what happens within your head and without my tapes, you would not be able to see what was in mine. The version of me you can not shake off is not brought by me, it is your own mind's inability to let go. Is that so bad."
Clay sighed "So you can not help me move on?" looking into her sparkling eyes.
"No, sorry." the girl scooched over and Clay swore he could feel the warmth of her shoulder as it pressed against his. "But I can give you that second chance you mentioned before," she added as she brought her lips towards his.
He had promised himself that he would not tease himself like this. It was not the first time he was tempted to kiss one of the versions of Hannah, but this time felt different. He closed his eyes and leaned in, and the pair of lips met each other. Their heads stayed together for a couple of seconds before parting, both teenagers smiling as they backed away to their previous positions.
Then it hit Clay. Her lips, their warm, moist, and soft feeling beside his own were just like they were before. Every characteristic of her kiss, even the slight tremble of her lower lip was present. The kiss was too real to have been generated by his sloppy imagination. He was quick to take a jump back as his eyes widened and jaw dropped. "Hannah! You're… You're real." Many thoughts raced through his mind but all that he could squeeze out was "But how. You were dead." Was he dreaming? Was his mind playing a cruel trick on him?
The girl tried to break the tension with a joke. "The grave was kind of empty so I decided to come up and feast on a brain or two. Yours smells pretty good by the way." When his extremely pale face did not budge she said "I'm sorry, that was a bad time for that. She paused and looked into Clay's eyes. "I guess this is not an easy conversation to have." I never did it. I was not able to end it. I guess I have decided to give life a second last chance." The girl looked concerned, and for good reason. Clay's reaction to the once thought dead girl's big surprise was extreme as it should have been.
"That can't be true. Tony saw it, he told me he was there. The whole world thinks you're dead. I...I've seen your grave. How are you still alive?" Clay spoke still in shock. He was now pacing back and forth, his bare feet walking on the moist grass around the pond.
Hannah tried to walk over to Clay and calm him down but he took a step away. She sighed and said "It was not all fake. The story Tony told you, for the most part, was accurate." She paused as a tear flowed down her cheek. "I wanted to do it. I got home that day and in my head, I told myself I would end my life for good. I made all the preparations, delivering the box to Tony's house and completing tape thirteen. My mind did not begin to have second thoughts until I began the fill the tub with razor blades in my hands. For some reason, I cut myself in the tub anyway, and the last I can remember is feeling light headed and sick to the stomach as I passed out."
"I am so confused Hannah. You die in that story. Why aren't you dead?"
"No" she corrected "I try to die in that story." She took a deep breath "Everything you know from the tapes and Tony is accurate up to that point, after that, you may have made up a few events based on what you were told. Tony was there, but he told you he was too late. He called 9-1-1 and rushed to my house. I woke up on life support and with stitches down my wrist. My mom worked late that day, she had no clue, and by the time she came home from work I had left."
Clay asked, "So the part about you killing your self-was a lie?" His heart rate was starting to lower itself back to normal and as the shock left him he began to walk back towards the girl who had endured so much. He did not fear her, she had just shocked him.
"For now," Hannah said. "I had second thoughts, but I did want to die that day. Tony made a deal with me that night. He wanted to show me just how much I had touched those around me before I made my decision. He wanted to prove I was wrong and had something left to live for. He flexed the muscle of his family and allowed me to fake my own death and I watched life without me from the side through messages on a phone during the rare moments I got a connection in this remote cabin. To be fair I will make thirteen reasons for me to live and then I will compare them side by side to the tapes and when I am done I can answer the question of whether or not to live or die."
Clay walked in close and hugged her, consoling himself and her at the same time. "Which one?" He asked, "Which one do you want to pick when it's all over?" Her grip on Clay was tight, so tight that her fingernails almost clawed through his blue sweatshirt. "Which path are you leaning and hoping towards."
"I have to be honest, I could go either way. I want to be able to say I want to live and have a great life, but you have to understand all I felt was the pain of what I lived from every single day. The only way to get rid of it was ending it all, at least that was my opinion then. This cabin has acted like a break for me and given me time to relax, but the old pain only becomes a memory, it doesn't fade. It never will!" She was crying into Clay's shoulder and he patted and rubbed her in the back to try and cheer her up.
"How bad was it. I mean, I've gone through every tape and basically swam through your thoughts at your darkest moments, but as specific as you where I can never truly understand what you felt inside. How much did it hurt to live? How bad did you feel that you actually wanted to die?" Clay asked wishing to know what the girl in his arms felt.
Their bodies separated as Hannah walked away with her back to Clay. He thought to himself on whether or not she was upset by something that she said. She was still crying and she shook like she was on the verge of collapsing and Clay thought it was because she did not want to talk. It was true that the question brought pain to the mind of Hannah Baker, but she did want to talk about it. She had always wished for someone to care, and finally, someone had asked to understand her. She was crying as a result of his question, but she had wanted him to ask it. She was just finding a way to answer it.
Hannah finally turned around to face Clay. She pulled up her sleeves to reveal two deep red, nasty, long scars that had a lot more healing ahead of them. Holding the scars in Clay's view she said "If the pain of making these on the night Tony found me was a one, the pain in everyday life that brought me to the point that I made them was a ten. Both were unbearable but unlike the other, one had an end in sight. " The words hit Clay hard, and his understanding of the girl and all she had been through expanded. He did not understand what to do next. Nothing he could say would make anything any better, and he was trying to think of any action that would be fitting for the situation. What he did not realize was Hannah did not need him to say something, just the feeling of having someone to listen to and understand her was all that she needed. He desperately scanned his mind for an action to help her when he already had helped her without even noticing.
"Hannah." Clay said "I don't know what to do. I want to help you, but I don't know how." He was still unsure if she was upset with him or not.
Hannah smiled and said, "Don't worry you already have."
Clay held his arms out. "Come over here. I missed you," he exclaimed.
Hannah shook her head and said, "Nah, there is something I need to do." Her eyes were still moist but she had stopped crying. In fact, she was slightly smiling again. She crouched down and pulled a small notebook out of her sweatshirt pocket along with the pen that matched it.
Clay walked over to peer over her shoulder. She said as she wrote "Clay, Helmet, this is your note." and chuckled a bit.
"Excuse me." he said trying to see the paper around her head.
"Oh, I decided to make a list of all the reasons why I still have more to live for. I was going to do some more tapes, but they did not really fit so I am going to write a few paragraphs in my notebook for each of the thirteen. The notes thing was a play on the this is your tape thing I used to say." She spoke as she wrote.
Clay was still trying to find a better angle when she stopped writing and turned around and said "Can I finish. I can't concentrate with you hovering over me." Clay smiled and gave Hannah some space.
When she finished she handed it to him to read. It read Clay, Helmet, this is your note. I remembered how hard it was for me to speak for your tape, as I know you remember I mentioned you did not deserve one. The thing was I wanted you to know the truth, even if I was not around to see your reaction. Now I know if I had the confidence to tell you before, I would not have been disappointed. Clay you are the first and most simple reason for me to live, after all in my first life you were the only thought that made me hesitate to end it. You are different Clay and for some reason, I did not really see it until it was too late. When everything went to shit, you never left my side. To be honest, towards the end of my old life I treated you like shit and yet you still tried to help me. If there was anything I could've done differently, I would have opened up to you. Back then I was scared I would push you away or worse drag you down with me, but I know now that you might have been able to save me. Friends like you are irreplaceable, and I have learned today that our friendship might be unbreakable. Clay on my tape I said I did not deserve you, and while it is true it is also true that I need you. I don't know what will happen next between us, but I do know that as long as you live I will always be able to trust and rely on you no matter what goes wrong. I love you Clay, and if I ultimately decide to stay in this world you will always be my first reason why. Thanks for being there for me my Helmet, now you know how much you mean to me.
Clay looked up from her notebook at the girl he had once thought he lost. Every great thing she had written was about him. "I should have said this before all of this crap, but I was weak back then. In all my time I thought I lost you I feel I have grown by learning from all of my mistakes I made involving you just because I was scared. I love you Hannah Baker and I always will."