(A.N. This fic is purely for my own twisted amusement. To be honest, I've never actually read Frankenstein. I really don't know how I come up with this stuff.)
(Erin the Narrator enters, carrying a big fancy book. She sits down in a big leather chair by a roaring fireplace. There is a bearskin rug under the chair.)
Erin: *clears throat* Ah, you're here for the story aren't you? Perfect timing.
(Gerard pokes his head in.)
Gerard: Get on with it! We don't have all day!
Erin: *looks at where Gerard was, irritated* Anyway…back to story time!
(She opens the book. As she reads, a dark, mad-scientist-y lab is revealed.)
Erin: Once upon a time, there was an evil scientist named Frankenstein.
(Frank saunters in, wearing a lab coat two sizes too big, his black hair wild.)
Frank: I thought I was an evil genius, not a mad scientist.
Erin: But you're not a genius.
(Gerard pokes his head in again.)
Gerard: That was low.
(Gerard leaves)
Erin: Go away, dammit!
Gerard: *now offstage* My time will come!
Erin: Anyway. Once upon a time there was an evil scientist named Frankenstein. Frankenstein Iero. Frankenstein-or Frank, as his friends called him-
Frank: I have no friends! Only minions! *evil pot laugh*
Erin: You're gonna have to work on that laugh. And may I please continue un interrupted?
(Gerard, for the umpteenth time, pokes his head in.)
Gerard: I make no promises.
Erin: I will cut you. Go away.
(Gerard leaves)
Erin: So Frank didn't have any friends. Only minions.
Frank: *fist pump* Yes!
Erin: One of his personal favorite minions was currently assisting him in his next great experiment.
Frank: *calling to someone offstage* Gee-gor! Bring in the creation!
(Gerard enters, wheeling in a medical table. On the table there is a body covered in a white blanket.)
Gerard: Please stop calling me that.
Frank: Then what do I call you?
Gerard: Anything but Gee-gor. You're making it sound like the author is trying too hard to connect something to the name "Igor".
Frank: But she is. Did you see how excited she got when she came up with "Gee-gor"? You would've thought Mikey had asked her to marry him.
(Mikey sticks his head in.)
Mikey: I want no part of this.
Gerard: Party pooper!
(Mikey shrugs and leaves.)
Erin: Can I help it if I have an attraction to sexy bassists?
Frank: Sadly, no.
(Mikey stick his head back in.)
Mikey: Don't you have a story to tell?
Erin: I will gladly bear your children.
Mikey: …what?
Erin: Nothing.
(Mikey leaves, looking a little scared.)
Erin: So where was I? Oh, yes. Frank wanted to do something nobody had ever done before.
Frank: Lick my own elbow?
Erin: What? No! He wanted to build his own minion.
Frank: So like a robot?
Erin: Sort of.
Frank: Then why don't I just build a robot?
Erin: Why don't I just decapitate you with a pair of hedge clippers and give your part to Gerard?
Frank: Point taken. Continue.
Erin: Thank you. Now many people were against Frankenstein.
(The lights dim on the lab and a spotlight on the opposite side of the stage turns on. An Angry Mob consisting of Mikey, Bob, Mike Pedicone, Matt, and Bert McCracken, along with several nameless extras enters.)
Erin: (to Mikey) I thought you wanted no part in this.
Mikey: Bob forced me to.
Bob: *cracks knuckles menacingly*
Erin: Okay then. Moving on. The townspeople were not happy.
Matt: Frankenstein is crazy.
Bert: His experiments are violent.
Bob: He explodes our town on a weekly basis.
Mikey: Why don't you people just move?
Matt: We like this town too much.
Bob: My favorite tree is in this town.
Mike: Plus we're kind of idiots.
Bert: This town has no education system.
Bob: It's true.
Mikey: (to Erin) I hate you.
Erin: I'll give you sushi later. And coffee.
Mikey: Fine. *pouts*
Bert: We need to stop this crazy fool.
Bob: For the safety of my tree!
Mike: And our families!
Bob: Yeah. Those too.
Erin: So a plan was made. They would attack the castle at midnight.
Bert: We attack the castle at midnight!
Erin: I just said that.
Bert: Whatever. Onward, men!
Erin: However, seeing as it was only eight o clock PM, they realized they needed something to pass the time.
Mike: To the taverns!
Mob: Booze! Huzzah!
(The Mob leaves, Mikey trailing behind grumpily.)
Erin: Time passed quickly as the townspeople got drunk. Meanwhile, Frank was up in his lab, preparing his experiment.
(Frank is standing in front of the covered body, laughing evilly)
Erin: I see you've been practicing.
Frank: I have.
Erin: Very menacing. I like it.
Frank: Gee-gor! Hurry up!
(Gerard enters, carrying a bottle of beer.)
Gerard: You better be grateful. It took a lot of effort to get this. The tavern's full of drunk imbeciles.
Frank: *takes the bottle and opens it, taking a long drink* Why were so many people there?
Gerard: Beats me. They said something about storming a castle though.
Frank: *drains the bottle and tosses it offstage* Should I be worried?
Gerard: Nah. They're probably talking about the other castle.
Frank: But there are no other castles.
Gerard: Oh. Well they were all drunk. It hardly matters.
Frank: You're right.
(Thunder in the distance is heard.)
Frank: The storm! It approaches!
Erin: When did you get a bad French accent?
Frank: When I felt like it.
(Frank and Gerard begin running about, pressing buttons and pulling levers.)
Erin: What are you doing?
Frank: Science!
Erin: You're pressing random buttons.
Gerard: Science does not require rhyme or reason! It merely requires time and money!
Erin: Valid point.
(Lightning flashes. Frank pulls a lever, raising the table up.)
Frank: For science!
(He pulls another lever. Lightning strikes The Body. The table is lowered.)
Frank: Did it work?
(The Body twitches.)
Body: *grunt*
Gerard: Holy crap muffins!
(Frank and Erin both look at him. The Body makes a noticeable head turn under the blanket.)
Frank: Crap muffins?
Erin: What are you, three?
The Body: *sarcastic grunt*
(Gerard proceeds to look ashamed. The hearts of millions of puppies break.)
Frank: So…pitiful…
Erin: Can't…look…away…too sad…
Gerard: *wimper*
Frank: Fine! You're forgiven. Now help me get this sheet off.
Gerard: Yay!
(Gerard and Frank pull the sheet off the body, which just so happens to resemble one Ray Toro.)
Ray: *grunt*
Frank: Success! My experiment! It worked!
Gerard: Hooray! I have a new friend!
(Gerard and Ray proceed to happy dance.)
Gerard: What's your name?
Ray: *shrugs*
Frank: Stop hogging my new minion. And I haven't named him yet.
Gerard: Can he speak?
Frank: No. You need to teach him.
Gerard: Why me?
Frank: Because I said so. Now for a name…
Gerard: He has nice hair. *reaches out to touch the fro*
Ray: *growls and glares at Gerard's hand*
Gerard: *pulls his hand away*
Frank: I've got it! We'll call him Torosaurus.
Erin: That has got to be the stupidest name ever.
Frank: Did I ask for your opinion?
Erin: Did I ask for your sass?
Frank: …No.
Erin: That's what I though. Behave. And name it Ray.
Ray: *claps*
Gerard: That's a good name.
Frank: Or course it is. I came up with it.
Erin: I should smack you.
Frank: Shouldn't you be telling the story? You are the narrator.
Erin: Well the story seemed to be telling itself for awhile there. But I see my break time is over. *clears throat* Frank arranged to have Gerard teach Ray basic English. It was surprisingly hard.
(Gerard is seen holding up flashcards and pointing to things around the room.)
Gerard: Now what's that?
Ray: *grunt*
Gerard: And that?
Ray: *grunt*
Gerard: And what about that?
Ray: *grunt*
Gerard: (to Frank) We're making progress!
Frank: I doubt that.
Gerard: You're mean.
Erin: He's right. You're kind of a butt-trumpet Frank.
Frank: No. No Very Potter Musical references. I will not have it.
Erin: Be that way. Now just as they'd started making progress, they were interrupted.
(The Mob bursts in, everyone visibly drunk except for Mikey.)
Erin: Nice self control.
Mikey: I couldn't let myself become one of them.
Bert: What's wrong with us?
Matt: Yeah, we're cool!
Mikey: You're all dumber than a box of crayons.
Erin: That's an insult to crayons.
Ray: *munches on crayon*
Gerard: Bad! *smacks the back of Ray's head* Spit it out!
Ray: *growls menacingly with a crayon in his mouth*
Erin: This is going nowhere! Mob, say your lines!
Bob: Oh. Right. *clears throat* Frankenstein, we've come to kill you.
Matt: And your experiments.
Bert: And we're going to burn down your castle.
Mike: And kill your minions.
Frank: And what happens if I stop you?
Bob: You can't stop us!
Mike: You're outnumbered.
Frank: Maybe in size.
Mikey: You're really going to have to be more obvious with these guys. *turns to the Mob* You see him? *points to Ray*
Mob: *nods*
Mikey: He can break your spine like a toothpick.
Mob: O.O
Frank: I thought you were on their side.
Mikey: I'm on nobody's side.
Erin: Except mine.
Mikey: I'll deal with you later.
Erin: Please do.
Mikey: *facepalm*
Frank: Actually, he's right. Ray, if you please.
Ray: *grunts and throws a mob member offstage*
Bob: Holy crap.
Ray: *walks offstage*
(The sounds of a merciless beating are heard.)
Frank: That's quite enough, Ray!
Ray: *walks back in, his hands and arms covered in blood*
Frank: I think I've made my point.
Bert: Point taken.
Matt: Back to the tavern, boys!
(The Mob leaves, besides Mikey)
Erin: (to Mikey) You can go home now.
Mikey: I quite like it here, actually.
Erin: You just want the coffee I promised you, don't you?
Mikey: Yes. Badly.
Erin: Later, I promise.
(Mikey sits down by Erin)
Frank: Nice work, Ray!
(He tries to high-five Ray, but notices the blood.)
Frank: I think you need a shower.
Ray: *grunts and walks offstage*
Frank: The bathroom is down the hallway, third door on the left! (turns to Gerard) Well that was fun.
Gerard: (sadly) Yeah, I guess.
Frank: What's wrong?
Gerard: Nothing, it's just-*turns away*
Frank: Just what?
Mikey: This is like a bad soap opera.
Erin: I know. I love it. *munches on popcorn*
Frank: Gerard, you can tell me anything, you know that.
Gerard: I know. It's just-you've got a brand new minion. You don't need me.
(A period of hilariously/extremely bad acting begins. The author enjoys every minute of it.)
Frank: That's preposterous!
Gerard: What?
Frank: Gerard, before today you were my only minion.
Gerard: So?
Frank: So I'm not just going to forget about you. In fact, you're more than a minion.
Gerard: *teary eyed* I am?
Frank: You are. You're a friend.
Mikey: (to Erin) If this goes where I think it's going, I'm going to scream.
Erin: (feigning innocence) I have no idea what you mean.
Frank: Oh Gerard!
Gerard: Oh Frank!
(They run towards each other as things become happy and pink and all lovey-dovey and so forth and so on. Emotional music plays.)
Frank: Oh, Gerard, I love you!
Gerard: I'll never leave, Frank. I promise!
(They kiss. To ovaries of millions of fan girls explode. Millions of haters spontaneously combust. Your dear author is both happy and worried about how many people just de-favorited her stories.)
Mikey: *stands up* Frerard is dead!
Erin: I beg to differ.
Mikey: This has absolutely nothing to do with the original plot to Frankenstein.
Erin: It's a crackfic, what did you expect?
Mikey: Not having to watch my brother stick his tongue down another dude's throat, that's for sure.
Erin: When you put it that way it sounds way less hot.
Mikey: It's not hot.
Erin: You're straight. You're supposed to say that.
Mikey: You know what? I don't need this. Not even the coffee is worth it. *storms off*
Erin: No! I love you! *runs after him*
(Frank and Gerard come up for air.)
Gerard: What now?
Frank: I dunno.
Gerard: You wanna grab a veggie burger?
Frank: Yeah!
(They exit. The curtain closes.)
(A.N. A happy ending if I ever saw one. Anyway, this is what boredom and too many diet cokes on a beach in Mexico produced. I finally got around to posting it.)