Breaking Point
Based off Ally Carter's young adult books, the Gallagher Girls series.
May is Lyme Disease Awareness Month.
You don't know how great your life is, and how blessed you truly are, until something happens that takes it all away. There are different causes for your life to change. There are the good things like winning the lottery, graduating at the top of your class, getting your dream job, and meeting the perfect guy; but there are also so many bad things that can change your life, too, sometimes forever. Some of these include things like getting in a car accident, a mission gone wrong, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and the biggest thing - illness.
In the blink of an eye everything can change. One minute you're out enjoying life to the fullest, and the next moment you can't do anything. Everyone assumes that spies are healthy, they don't get sick. I mean, yeah, every once in a while some of us get a cold, or the flu, or get a fever, but not a lot of people realize that we can get really sick, too.
I never thought that I would be one of those people who had their life change because of an illness, but here I am. Almost everyone at the Gallagher Academy is healthy, besides the colds here and there, but not me. For some reason my immune system decided to stop working and not fight off illnesses. Because of that, my body couldn't fight off the virus that entered my body. From just one illness I got a much bigger one in return.
Now I'm trying to get through life with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It's not all fun and games. It's not 'I'm tired for a few days, and then I'll be better and be back to life.' It isn't your common cold, or the little stomach bug. The tiredness, which isn't your typical 'it's been a long day and I'm tired', is a 'bone crushing, want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, exhaustion.' What makes that even worse is when you have really bad insomnia. There have been some nights that I only get about five hours of sleep. I can't function on that amount of sleep, especially with Chronic Fatigue.
Month One:
Month one was the easiest for me. It was just the beginning, and for weeks all I thought it was, was a cold. I missed out on Cove. Ops assignments, but I knew that I would get over it. You always get over colds.
After a few weeks I wasn't getting any better. Zach walked me down to the doctor's that was in the back and very bottom of the school. Dr. Wolfe gave me some medicine and I thought that I would get better in a week or so. In the meantime Zach decided that he wasn't going to leave me in the common room all by myself for the whole school day, and somehow he convinced my mom to let him stay with me. Actually when I think about it, I don't think he even had to convince her that much. She just allowed it. There was something about Zach already knowing that part of the curriculum from Blackthorne; he could work on his work when he was with me. We talked a lot, and watched a lot of shows.
"Okay, I have a question," I said, turning to him after one of our programs had finished.
"Shoot," he said, pulling his knee up onto the couch.
"If you were at the job sight of a decomposing body, what would your reaction be?"
"I think that all depends on how bad it smells. I mean yeah, it would probably be gross, but I've had to sit in a sewer drain for five hours for a reconnaissance mission. That was pretty bad."
"That had to have smelled awful, though, wouldn't it?"
"It probably would have, but I had a cold that I got from Grant, so I couldn't smell anything."
"That's pretty lucky." He just nodded and turned away for a second before turning back to me.
"How are you doing with the whole being sick thing?" There was concern in his dark eyes.
"I'm good, I'm tired, but hopefully I'll get better soon."
"I hope so to." He pulled me to him, so that I could rest against his side as I started another show.
At that time I didn't know what was to come. I didn't know how much it would take out of me, and take out of my life. I had another appointment a week later, and once again Zach walked me to the doctor's. I still wasn't better and the doctor wasn't sure why. When I told her what I felt, extreme tiredness like no other, she said it was likely Chronic Fatigue. It had almost been a month now, she told us about this treatment that would most likely help. Of course I had to ask my mom about it, but I was pretty sure she wouldn't mind, and neither did I.
When I told Zach about how I was going to do the treatment he nodded. Before I could say or do anything else he had wrapped me in a hug and held me tight for almost a minute. Then we went up to my room to tell the girls what was going on and what I was going to do.
"So wait, tell me one more time what they're going to do to you," Bex said after I had explained it.
"Okay, so they're going to put a needle in my arm like a blood draw. They're going to give me some blood thinners, and then they're going to draw out a lot of blood using a large syringe. Then they're going to put it in a bag filled with saline, and then pump Ozone gas into the bag. Then they're going to run it through an IV that runs through an ultra violet light, and back into my system. This whole process should take about three hours."
Okay, so maybe I described it in more detail than the first time because when I finished, all of my roommate's mouths were open and they were staring wide-eyed at me. Zach's arm snaked around my waist and pulled me to him. He was so warm, so inviting, and I just wanted to wrap myself in him.
"They're really going to do that?" Macey asked as she put down the file that had been in her unmoving hand. I looked at her and nodded my head.
"Won't that be scary?" Liz's eyes were wide when she spoke. It was a soft whisper that was small enough that it could have been carried away in the wind.
"No, not really; I trust the doctors here and I trust that they know what they're doing," I explained to them as I took a seat on my bed, Zach sitting down next to me. The girls grabbed their bean bag chairs and placed them in front of me.
"What is the treatment called again?" Bex questioned once they were all situated.
"It's UVBI- Ultra Violet Blood Irradiation or Blood Treatment for short."
"You're sure about this, right Cammie?"
"I'm positive. It's already been a month. I'll try anything that could help me get better."
"Well, whatever you need we'll be there for you. We always have been and we always will be."
I smiled down at my friends, as they got up and said that they were going to be in the common room watching shows. I felt Zach's arm wrap around my waist as the door softly closed behind the girls. When I turned I was met with his soft lips gently on mine. He tasted like spearmint. I melted into his embrace as we stayed like that for a while.
A few days later:
"Zach, you didn't have to come with me for my treatments."
"Well I'm not just going to leave you here by yourself," he argued back as we made our way into the room I would have my treatments in. It was a medium sized room with about seven reclining chairs in it. I didn't even bother arguing with him because I was actually kind of glad he was there. Not that I would ever admit it to him or anything. A few minutes later Dr. Wolfe walked in with someone behind her.
"Cammie, this is Robin. She'll be helping me with your treatments. Do you have any questions before we get started?"
"No, I think I'm okay."
"Okay then, shall we begin then?" I nodded and the two of them began to prep for the treatment.
That night after the first treatment:
"You're okay, right?" Zach asked for the tenth time as we sat in the common room.
"I'm fine. My arm is just a little swollen and sore. I'm fine, though. Don't worry about it."
He just gave me this look before pulling me close and kissing my forehead. I stayed in his arms until the girls walked in, demanding hugs and wondering how I was doing and asking me how it went. I smiled at them before telling them what they did. Then Zach had to go and freak Bex out:
"Do you want to know what she did, Bex?"
"What did Cammie do?" She almost sounded panicked.
"She watched them the whole time, and she watched them do everything. She even watched them as they put the needle into her arm." He smirked when he saw Bex's reaction. She looked horrified and a little like she was going to throw up. She would never admit it, but Bex was terrified of needles, and spiders, but that's not the point. She turned her wide eyes from Zach to me.
"He isn't serious, right? He can't be serious."
"He is. I watched them do everything."
"Why would you want to do that?"
"I don't know, I wanted to see what they were doing the whole time. It wasn't that bad, really. And do you want to hear about the other part?"
"Probably not," she said, looking at me strangely.
"You could see into the needle. It was big."
She turned white as a ghost and Zach laughed before he could stop himself. His arm that was around my shoulders was yanked away by Bex as she began to beat him with a pillow from the couch. He just continued to laugh at her as Macey and Liz began to laugh too. Bex finally stopped her attack on Zach and just stood there glaring at him.
"Come on, Bex, there's no need to injure my boyfriend. He just did what we all wanted to do."
"Yeah, he's the only one who had balls enough to do it," Macey said raising her eyebrow.
"Macey!" Liz's eyes widened at her comment. Zach just laughed again.
"You guys are impossible," Bex huffed, before smiling and sitting on the edge of the couch by Zach.
We all sat there talking for a while longer about the treatment, how I could watch them put the needle in, and a bunch of other stuff. The whole time I never left Zach's embrace.
One month later:
I finished the blood treatments this week. There isn't any improvement yet, and school is almost nonexistent. I make it maybe three hours in the entire week. The work is starting to pile up to the point that I can't keep up with it anymore. Zach stays with me most of the time, and he does his homework when I watch murder mystery shows. He won't go to school no matter what I say, but a part of me is glad that he doesn't. I don't want him to stop everything for me, but on the other hand I don't know what I would do if he wasn't there for me. Sometimes I try to do some school work, but I can't think. It takes too much energy to focus for long periods of time. It's a big difference from the school work, homework, and working-out I did, to now not being able to get off the couch to do anything.
Journal Entry #1:
Rain:
I wish for rain. Not just because I love everything about the rain, and the soothing look and feel from it; but the fact that when I feel so bad, so cruddy, the sun that streams down just isn't right. On such a perfect, gorgeous day as today, the dream would be to be lying in the sun, or running around and enjoying it. It doesn't match how I feel; with feeling this horrible it seems like a waste of a perfect day. It's beautiful, and I'm just sitting here not being able to enjoy it.
A rainy, dark, and dreary day would be better because if it were cloudy, and a stay-inside-and-watch-movies kind of day, then I could enjoy it.
The weather being dark and gloomy expresses just how I feel and it's not as chest-tightening because I can't do anything, and with that weather I wouldn't be able to. It works out perfectly.
Don't get me wrong, just because I want that kind of weather doesn't mean that I don't want sun. I also love the sun, but at this moment and time I think of what a beautiful day it is and I'm reminded that I can't do anything. I feel too incredibly bad to even be able to enjoy it.
So, I sit here feeling miserable, trying to keep the tears in as I get on with life because no matter how I feel, or what I get done in a day; life goes on, the world keeps spinning, and I try and make something of this perfectly-beautiful-heartbreaking-miserable-sunny day.
I always try not to pity myself, let the darkness overcome me, but sometimes the build-up is too much and my walls crack a little bit more, and the water that's held behind that wall leaks through before I can stop it.
People say it's unhealthy not to cry, and I guess they're right because when the water builds up too high, the dam breaks and the emotions come out. I can't stop it, so I just let everything go and envelope myself in the facts of how I feel.
No matter what I do I can never truly hide how I really feel. At one point or another my walls will crumble and people will see how I truly feel. All I have to do is wait and it will happen.
For now, though, I'll be weak when no one can see me, and put on my strong face when everyone can, and pretend like I'm not hurting as much as I really am. So, let the rain come because then when I stand outside I can pretend it's rain running down my face and not tears.
The other night when the girls were out doing a Cove Ops assignment, I decided to go out to the P&E Barn and try to get some conditioning done. I was so used to working out before that it was like I became someone else when I got sick; I wasn't able to do anything. I almost never cry, but I just couldn't handle this anymore. Zach had come into the barn looking for me and all of a sudden the tears I was trying so hard to keep in, started streaming down my face.
"Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" He pulled me back from my place in his arms and looked me in the eye.
"I tried. I tried and I couldn't do it. I can't do it." I was sobbing, having trouble getting the words out because I couldn't catch my breath. The last time I remember crying like that was when I was ten and Joseph Solomon told us my father probably wasn't going to come home.
"What did you try? What can't you do?"
"I can't do anything. I'm just so tired. I can't do anything. I'm just so tired of being sick and tired. I'm so sick of not feeling well."
"I know baby, I know." He pulled me close to him and just held me. No talking, no nothing, just him hugging me as I sobbed in his arms. I'm pretty sure it was past eleven o'clock when Zach carried me into the school and straight into my room. Once he laid me on my bed I was pretty sure that he would turn around and leave. He didn't, though; instead he removed his shoes, too, and climbed into the bed right along next to me. Not that I was complaining; I had actually wanted him there. I guess I was more emotional than I first believed because as I was pulled back into his arms I felt my hot tears soak through his shirt, the same shirt I was clinging to.
When I woke up Zach's arm was wrapped around my waist and the comforter was by my waist. It was around ten forty in the morning, I felt drained as usual, but I didn't have that overwhelming feeling of holding everything in anymore. Zach shifted next to me and when I looked down at him his sleepy gaze was on me.
"Hey," he stated after a moment of silence.
"Hey," I said awkwardly, lifting the comforter up higher as coldness seemed to find its way to me.
"How'd you sleep?" he asked, sitting up straighter and really looking at me.
"Fine, what about you?"
"Good, how are you?" He was looking at me like he could see into my soul. Maybe he could, he knew me so well.
"Good," I answered a second later.
"Now what's the truth?" He saw right through me. It wasn't quite a lie, it's just what I always say when someone asks me that. It's my mechanism, and I guess he could see through that also.
"I'm… I'm okay." I had to think for a moment of what I was going to say.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah," I nodded before looking down. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" That was a good question, what for?
"I don't know, I just didn't know how much I needed someone to be there. You were there in one of my weak moments."
"Yeah, always, I'll always be there for you." He smiled before realizing what I had said.
"Wait, you think crying shows weakness?" My slight nod had him pulling me into his arms as his back came into contact with my headboard. "Cammie, you're the last thing from weak. Crying doesn't mean you're weak. It shows that you're human and you have emotions. It shows just how strong you are for going through this.
He didn't wait for my answer, though; he just wrapped me into his arms and kissed right next to my ear. We just sat like that for a while, his back against my headboard, and my back against his chest.
One week later:
I had another doctor's appointment this week. It was a follow up just to see how I've been doing. When I told them that I wasn't any better they were a little bit concerned. They thought I should have been feeling better by now, and decided to do a Myer's cocktail and Glutathione push to see if that helped with my energy. It had something to do with my autonomic nervous system dysfunction. Nothing's changed. I'm falling further and further behind. My mom has talked to some of the teachers in excusing some of the work. Nothing like this has ever happened to any Gallagher Girl before. There's the occasional sickness like: strep, the cold, and the flu, but nothing as bad as this. I've fallen asleep in Zach's arms every night since the barn incident. Sometimes he would stay the whole night if I woke up relatively early, but most often than not I would find either a single red rose or a note on my bedside table when I woke. On the weekends he'll stay with me until I wake up because there's nowhere he has to be; well, most of the time, he sometimes goes out early to work out in the barn. It's nice having him this close.
When I woke up today Zach wasn't there, and the sun was streaming in through the window. My day started out okay; I got breakfast and tried to get some homework done. I couldn't get a lot done, though, and ended up watching an old Bones episode from Netflix. Zach came in about halfway through, saying that he was sorry he wasn't there, but that he had to talk to my mom about something. We talked some and I snuggled into his side as he told me about his morning.
Journal Entry #2:
Blossoms:
The smell of blossoms reminds me of the closeness there is to spring; that and the fact that I can see the blossoms on the tree outside the common room window. I could go into a whole discussion about how it's harder because the weather is nice and it makes me want to go outside, but that would just be a repeat of the whole ordeal with rain.
I smelled the blossoms from inside when I was laying on the couch; too exhausted to do anything except stare blankly ahead at the running TV. My thoughts that were associated with the blossoms were guilt because I was lying on the couch doing nothing. I got something done today - I did some homework, but it's not enough. I'm falling further and further behind. It's so hard focusing, though, because I feel too bad to even think about doing homework, much less to do it. So, I sit in my room mindlessly reading over the last book in a series, so I can remember what's going on in the series when the next book comes out.
I feel guilty because I know I should be doing homework, but I just…can't. I want to cry but I can't. I feel hollow, empty, and it's almost like I don't have enough energy to cry. I started off the day alright. I had some energy, but it just started going downhill from there. It reminds me how everything can change in the blink of an eye. I just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. It's hard to believe that all these thoughts started with the smell of blossoms through the open window.
Life goes on even if I can't truly live it. Not yet at least. Hollow. Empty, I feel like I've lost myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how I should feel.
Most of my days are spent watching murder mystery shows on TV, talking to Zach, (or just cuddling with him), reading, trying (and not always succeeding) in doing some homework, and I just started to draw some. I'm not the best artist, but I found that if I see a picture and then draw it, it doesn't come out demented like mine used to. Zach has started getting up really early in the morning to get a little bit of a workout in and then coming back in to wait for me to wake up. He normally showers, of course, and a few times I've been able to smell his soap from the other side of the room.
"How are you feeling today?" I looked up from my drawing to see Zach standing in front of the couch I was half curled up on.
"Okay, not as bad as yesterday, but still really tired. How are you?" I smiled as Zach sat down and placed my legs over his.
"I'm good, but I'm worried about you."
"Why's that?" I asked placing down my sketch pad.
"Because I don't know how long this is going to last, and I want you to get better soon. You shouldn't have to be going through this, but you are." He pulled me closer to him, so I was pretty much sitting on his lap. He was comfortable and warm. He smelled really good, too.
"Zach, I'm fine. You shouldn't worry about me."
"No matter what you say, Gallagher Girl, I'll always worry about you."
His soft, yet calloused, hand was on the side of my face, his eyes on mine, before they lowered to my lips and he slowly moved his head to mine. The kiss was slow and sweet, and soon I moved my hands to the back of his neck as he pulled me closer to him, his other hand resting gently on my hip. When he pulled away he rested his forehead against mine and I took in a deep breath.
"Thank you," I told him after a moment's silence.
"For what?" He smiled as he looked at me.
"For everything, and for being here for me."
"You know that I'll always be here for you, I'm not going anywhere. I love you." I looked into his eyes, wondering if I heard him right.
"I love you, too," I spoke only a second later, it just rolled off my tongue like it had been there for months. Maybe it had, but all I knew was that I meant it and I know Zach did, too. He pulled me back in and pressed his lips to mine. There was more force from his lips, but they were still soft against mine.
A few days later:
"What are your biggest fears?" I asked out of the blue a few days later when Zach and I were sitting on the couch together.
"What?" he asked as he looked down at me. His arms were wrapped around me and I was leaning against his chest.
"What are your biggest fears?" I repeated, looking up at him and smiling.
"Not that it will happen, but my biggest fear would probably be if you went missing and I had no clue what happened to you. That would pretty much tear me up inside." His arms tightened around me and I leaned into his chest.
"That was a good answer," I said turning back to the TV.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
Journal entry #3:
Forgotten:
It rained yesterday. Not a downpour like I wanted, but a nice sprinkling. I didn't feel the helplessness like I did last week. Some days are better than others. It's in those bad days that I think about everything, every little thing; the good, but mostly the bad, of everything that's happened. It's in those times that I feel crushed and helpless. Those days don't come too often, but when they do it's like a tidal wave and I can't keep anything in anymore. It's a spring downpour of the build-up of emotions I've been trying to harbor for so long, too long.
One of my biggest fears right now is that I'll be forgotten. That's the one thought that has been circling around for a while now. I just don't want to be forgotten. I feel like I'm slipping away from life, my sense of normalcy is disappearing and there's nothing I can do about it.
There are a few things that keep me grounded; keep me in the loop of what's going on. Other than that I feel as if I'm going to lose it all because I can't be there. I just don't want that to happen. It's hard enough as it is without being forgotten. It's like I'm out of sight, out of mind, but at least I have Zach here to help me with that, and the girls stop in when they can.
I feel like I'm on house arrest without the ankle bracelet. I spend all day everyday inside not able to anything, and it's hard. At least before I could go to class, and work out in the P&E Barn, and walk around the school grounds. Now I don't have enough energy to do any of that. I want to be out living life to the fullest, and here I am not able to do anything.
The other thing is that there's no one that knows what it's like; they don't know what it's like to have this happen to them. That's one of the hardest parts; no one knows what it's like, and I'm truly alone. I have support, don't get me wrong, everyone is completely supportive, but they don't know what it's like. Zach's always there for me, but he can't know exactly how I feel. "You can see my tears, but you can never feel my pain inside."
I just hope I'm not forgotten.
I had some blood tests done today to see if they can figure out what's wrong. Since the Blood Treatment didn't work the doctors are thinking about doing some kind of acupuncture.
"So, let me get this straight," Bex said an hour later when I told the girls what the doctor was going to try next. "You're going to have more needles?"
"Yeah, but unlike the Blood Treatment needles, these are small needles. You barely even feel anything."
"Still, they're needles. I don't like them."
"See that's where the two of you are completely different," Zach said as he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. "You hate needles; Cammie watches them put them in. You threaten to kill people; Cammie doesn't."
"I will harm you," Bex almost seethed.
"See, my point exactly."
"Oh, shut up." I could feel Zach's chest move against me as he laughed. I held in my own because it was one of the first times Bex didn't have a comeback.
"When do you start?" Macey asked, looking up from her homework.
"Tomorrow, they're going to do it once a week, three times."
"That doesn't sound so bad," Liz piped up, looking at me.
"That depends on how many needles they do," Bex replied.
"Yeah, well when I asked them they told me it varies."
"How many are there?" Macey asked.
"The first time there's going to be seven in the front for fifteen minutes, and then I'll turn over and get seven in the back. The second time I'll get twenty-eight all in the back for fifteen minutes. For the third acupuncture treatment there'll be sixteen needles in the back that the doctor will heat with a hot instrument, and then eight in the front. Both of those will be for fifteen minutes each."
"Bloody hell."
"Damn."
"Ow." Liz's small voice made me laugh a little.
"Liz, I said before that you barely feel anything with acupuncture needles."
"Still that's a lot."
"Good luck," Macey said as they all came to give me a hug.
"Thanks."
Journal entry #4:
Hidden:
I think what one of the worst things about being sick with this is that no one can see what I'm going through. It truly is a hidden illness. I may look normal on the outside, but if someone were to see what I feel like, and what I look like inside they wouldn't be able to say that I'm just lazy. "We may not look sick, but turn our bodies inside out and they would tell a different story."
"WARNING! I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and if I hear one more person say:
But you don't look sick
Everybody gets tired
You're just getting older
If you'd get out more
If you get more exercise
It's all in your head
You're just depressed
Oh yeah, I've had that before
Or offer me any unsolicited medical advice whatsoever I will NOT be responsible for my actions!"
If it weren't an invisible illness people would see what it really does to someone. I didn't get this just because life got hard; it's not all in my head, and just because I look perfectly fine on the outside doesn't mean I am. I'm not. The only noticeable indication that I am ill is a yellow ring that shows up around my mouth when I'm really fatigued. It's always there, but it gets worse as I get more exhausted. I call it the 'Fatigue-O-Meter'. It's called circum-oral palor, and it is some kind of reaction that's associated with Scarlet Fever and Mononucleosis, along with some other illnesses.
Everyone here is supportive, but at the same time I don't think they understand to what extent my tiredness goes. It isn't just 'it's-been-a-long-day-and-I'm-tired' kind of tired. It's the 'I-just-want-to-curl-up-in-a-ball-and-collapse-because-I-feel-completely-miserable-and-exhausted-to-no-end' tired. "Tired" doesn't even cut it. Fatigued… Exhausted… Comatose…
Most people will never understand what it's like to go through this, and a part of me is sad that they can't see what it's like to be this exhausted 24/7, even with twelve hours of sleep per night. The other part of me, though, doesn't want them to have to be put through that because it's not something I would want to put on anyone. It literally stops your life. I can't make it to any of my classes, and they're in the same building. I can't work out like I used to, and I can't do a lot of homework in one sitting because I can't think. I can't, is referring to not being able to because I feel so bad. I don't even know how to completely describe it.
Chronic Fatigue is an invisible illness, and I'm disabled because of it. It truly is a disability.
"I never thought at such a young age I would be considered disabled. I should be out enjoying life. Instead I find myself watching everyone else doing it, and me too exhausted to keep up."
I'm hidden; I'll always be hidden with this disease.
Three weeks later:
When I woke up this morning I could barely stay awake. It was already ten-thirty and I knew I had to get up, but I didn't even have enough energy to do that. Zach walked in a moment later with wet hair and grey sweat pants on.
"Hey you, good morning," he said as he came over and sat down on the bed next to me.
"Morning."
"You okay?" he asked, his brows pinched with concern.
"In all honesty, no. I feel horrible today. Absolutely crappy."
"I'm sorry," he said with concern, but I could see the smile he was trying to hide.
"What?"
"Nothing, it's just that I've never heard you say crappy before. It's actually kind of cute."
"Yeah well I just thought crummy didn't cut it. It's worse than crummy."
"I know, baby, I know."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Anything," he replied, looking me right in the eyes.
"Do you think you could carry me into the common room?"
"Sure, but if I drop you it's not my fault."
"You won't drop me, you're Zach."
"Yeah I know. Do you think your feeling so bad has anything to do with yesterday being your last acupuncture treatment?"
"I have no idea, but that's a good point." Yesterday was my last treatment of acupuncture and that didn't work either. A day after the first two treatments I felt a little better, but then I went right back to feeling, well, crappy.
Once we got to the common room Zach placed me on the couch before getting the remote from the TV stand and coming back over to sit with me. He picked me up and placed me on his lap before placing the blanket over us and turning the TV on. We ended up watching a movie and after it was over I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and ended up falling asleep against his chest.
Journal entry #5
Vampire:
Today I felt dead. I could say dead like a vampire, but in the case of this one series I read the Vampires aren't dead. They're alive, it's just that they're body temperature is lower than ours.
I feel like a zombie, but then I think brain eating, infected dead people. So, the one I came up with is drained; which, brings me back to the whole vampire thing because it reminded me that vampires suck blood, and they can completely drain you.
I read way too many paranormal books, but at least it isn't TV 24/7. Sure I have been watching some TV, but I've been drawing and reading a lot, too.
The drawing helps keep my mind going without having to think too much. It also helps pull me away from how I feel; drained.
Books help me forget about my worries for even just a little bit. With books I can just jump into them and get lost into their world.
I'm drained, absolutely, positively drained. That's the only way I know how to describe it. Books are my only release from feeling completely, horribly, terribly bad. I'm just so drained.
I had another blood test today, actually I had two different blood tests today; they're running more tests to see if there are any abnormalities, anything that will help them figure out what's going on with me. They think there's something else going on with me and that it's not just the Chronic Fatigue anymore. They're starting to run out of ideas on how to treat me. If they can't figure it out they'll send me to a specialist.
Last night I crumbled. The smallest thing can become the biggest thing. One minute I'm crying over a death in my book, and the next second I realize it's no longer about the character's death, but about me; it's about feeling so bad, not knowing what to do anymore, having my life on stand-still; everything. I sat at the edge of the bed and just cried. It's not those loud, obnoxious tears, but the silent ones that show just how much you're hurting.
Zach came in for bed and found me like that. He didn't say anything, though, he didn't have to. He came over and just held me. I ended up lying on his chest with his back against my mattress. Just like that, nothing else, it was just the two of us. He allowed me to just let everything out, and when I looked up he tenderly brought his lips to mine. It was like he not only kissed away my pain, but in that one small kiss he told me that he wasn't going anywhere; he would always be there for me.
Zach's shirt had tear stains on it, but I doubt he cared, and I didn't either. I realized in that moment that he had seen every part of me. The strong, the weak, the healthy, the sick, the happy, and the sad, and he would always be there to see them. I also realized that I no longer cared if he saw me weak and crying, and maybe he was right; crying wasn't a weakness, it just shows how strong you are for going through this, that you don't let it stop you. Yes, you cry, but you're showing strength by showing emotion, by showing how you truly feel. I curled up into his side with those thoughts swirling in my mind. Crying wasn't a sign of weakness; it was a sign of strength. For if there's no struggle, there is no strength, and that just shows what kind of struggle you're going through. "'People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long.'"
One week later:
All the blood tests I had done came back normal, nothing weird about any of them. A part of me was hoping that at least one of them came back with something because then at least I would know something.
I'm falling further and further behind in school and it's getting harder to catch up. There's so much going on that I can't keep up. I don't really know what to do, but hopefully something will happen soon.
My mom sent in another Doctor just to see me and see if there was anything she saw that would help. She ended up ordering some more blood tests that hopefully will give us an insight on what's going on with me other than Chronic Fatigue. Other than that we don't know where to go from here.
Journal entry #6:
Blockade:
We don't know what to do anymore. It's disheartening to hear that because I'm at a roadblock about what to do. Dr. Wolfe found that there was a Russian method to doing the ozone, so that's one of our only options right now.
I've gone downhill; I've gotten worse to where I can't do anything except lay on the couch and do nothing all day; most of the time I don't even care because I'm too exhausted to think about it and care. I just realized that somewhere along the way I've lost most of my stir craziness. Not all of it, there are some moments, but most of it is gone. In the beginning it was the hardest part because I was so used to doing everything that not doing anything just about killed me. I'm too fatigued to even think about working out or conditioning right now.
I'm at a wall now; instead of taking two steps forward and one and a half steps back, I'm taking two steps back each time. It's discouraging and I can't do anything about it. It's frustrating when I want to be doing all these things and can't.
What I need is a dam because then at some point it would break and I could move forward just a little bit. What I have now is a brick wall that's ten feet high. I just want to be healthy again, and I don't know exactly when that's going to happen.
"What do you want to do?" Zach asked me after everyone had left for their Cove Ops mission.
"What I really want to do?" I asked looking up at him.
"Yeah, what do you really want to do?"
"I want to go to the P&E Barn and lay under the stars with you until I fall asleep."
"Then that's exactly what we're going to do," he said, his smile lighting up his face as he grabbed my hand and led me through the Gallagher Academy.
When we reached the front doors and he pulled them open we were met with the cool outside night. It was a good thing that Zach remembered to grab a few blankets and a pillow. We stepped onto the path and made our way to the P&E Barn.
We were silent as we stepped through the open barn doors, and Zach set up a blanket on the ground with the pillow. He sat down and looked up at me. I smiled and made my way over to him. Once I sat down he put the other blanket over us. I rested my head against his chest and we just let the silence overtake us.
"Can I ask you something personal?" Zach asked hesitantly a while later.
"Yeah, you can ask it just depends if I'll answer." I could feel his laugh, not just hear it.
"What have your thoughts been over the course of these past few months?" I propped myself up on my elbow and looked at him.
"I've had a lot, but the ones that show up the most are, "why me? Why did this happen to me?" And, "it's so weird how one minute I feel okay and the next I can barely move." The most common one, though, is, "everything happens for a reason. Even if you don't know what that reason is, yet." That's always what I tell myself when I'm having a really bad day. It really helps me get through this."
"I can imagine. I'm glad that's what you think, what you go to when things get hard."
"Yeah, well they always say that 'It's going to get harder before it gets easier. But it will get better; you just have to make it through the hard stuff first.' "
"Where do you get those things?"
"I like looking up inspirational quotes. That's what helps with this, too."
"You're beautiful," he said with a small half smile. "Absolutely beautiful; I always knew you were strong, but this just shows how strong you really are. You're strong on the inside and out."
I didn't have to reply, he kissed me and that was all I needed. Later we ended up talking again, not just lying there kissing, and I told him everything from my thoughts, to my feelings, to what it was like, and he asked his own questions. It was simple, yet it was the perfect night. Just being there under the stars with Zach made everything right for just a moment.
Journal entry #7:
Forever:
The other night, the night Zach and I were lying under the stars, and he asked me, "Is Chronic Fatigue something that you'll just always have? Like sometimes it'll be there, but it just stays quiet, and other times it affects you like it is now?" I hadn't thought about that question, but it sure was a good one. I'm actually really glad he asked me about it. I wish more people would ask me how I'm doing, or what it's like.
Then, when I thought about it, I asked myself 'would I have this forever'? The simple answer, yes. I will always have this hanging over my head. Like a viper it can strike at any moment.
Zach bought me this gold ring a few weeks back when we were in town. He said he saw me looking at it and got it for me. The gold ring's on a chain around my neck that reads: Today, Tomorrow, Forever. I think of that as today, tomorrow, forever me. You have to live your life to the fullest. Live for today, live for tomorrow, and live for forever. Each day is a different day. It's your choice how you want to live your life. You can be optimistic about what's to come today, tomorrow, forever, or you can live it always looking down and not holding onto hope. Today, Tomorrow, Forever I will hope for the best, hope for health, live for the moment, and never lose sight on what's to come.
"Life isn't like a dance: it's not choreographed, or meant to be a competition. Life is unexpected and unplanned, it is meant to be a surprise. If there is no surprise there is no point to living. But dance, dance can be your whole life."
It's true; you never know what life's going to throw at you, but you just have to stay strong and get through it.
Sure, sometimes my hope falters just a little, but at the end of the day I remember the hope, and I try and stay as optimistic as possible about the future.
Today I was thinking about Chronic Fatigue. What happens if I get it again in two years? Of course I'll deal with it then, but what would happen. What if I get it in the middle of a mission? There are so many what if's, but I guess when the time comes, I'll deal with what's in front of me. For now, though, I'll just think about now.
I got sick, well sicker than before. Yesterday my throat was burning, my face ached, and I couldn't breathe out of my nose. I woke up at four this morning because it hurt so much. That's so not fun when you have Chronic Fatigue because you're already exhausted to begin with, and then add in waking up at four a.m.
I already felt completely horribly bad, and now add in being sick on top of being ill with a bad immune system. That's life for you, but everything happens for a reason, and everything will work out according to plan. You can scream, and cry, and pound your fists into your pillow, but it's not going to change your fate.
"God never gives you anything you can't handle."
Zach came up with an idea that the five of us: Bex, Liz, Macey, Zach, and I, go into town later today and have a picnic. The girls thought that that was a good idea and took it to my mom to see if we were allowed to go. Since it was Saturday there wasn't any classes going on, or Cove Ops missions scheduled, and she thought it was a good idea.
Zach told me not to worry about anything, and that he would get the picnic stuff together. That gave the girls and me some time to talk and catch up on what's been going on. It was almost like old times again. We cracked up at the simplest things and talked about when the Blackthorne Boys had first come. We even talked about Zach and me, and how he's always there.
When Zach came to get us we were all ready to go. The girls decided to walk into town for the fresh air, and Zach and I drove with the picnic stuff in the back seat. Once we got into town the girls and I found a nice shady tree to sit under, the weather was warmer today, and Zach brought over the basket and a couple blankets.
"I have to tell you a story before I forget it, again," Bex said once the food was out and we were all situated. "Okay, so last week in Cove Ops we had to do this Op with blindfolds. It was about listening to our surroundings and trying to distinguish sounds in case we were ever kidnapped and blindfolded; it was so we could have a higher chance to escape in those situations. About three quarters through the mission there was a commotion and a few screams. Turns out it was Courtney and Kim Lee crashing into each other and falling into a pit of mud that was one of the obstacles. Solomon said that it was no one's fault because right before that happened there was a loud sound and they were unable to hear."
"Anyways, after the mission was done we went back through the obstacles. When we got to the pit Mick laughed at the two shapes you could distinctly see. Of course that got Courtney and Kim Lee mad and they pushed Mick in, which resulted in a mud fight. Best Cove Ops class ever."
We all started laughing and then we went on to the next funny story. I spaced out about ten minutes later as Zach started talking to me. I was leaning back against his chest with his arms wrapped around me. He pressed a light kiss to the back of my neck before listening to the girl's conversation.
"…and now we have the security footage of the five of them mooning us. They nearly jumped out of their pants when that bright light came on and the dogs started barking."
"They didn't have as much to jump out of. Their pants were already past their butts. I bet if we had Solomon on a loud speaker yell, 'This is Private Property; get out before we release the hounds!' I mean Solomon sounds scary if you don't know him."
"Right, but the only bad thing is that they probably wouldn't have lasted to hear his threat. Once the light came on it was almost like they weren't there, they got out of there so fast!" Macey exclaimed, before cracking up laughing with the rest of them. Bex suddenly stopped laughing and got this weird look on her face.
"I wonder if one of the butts we saw was Dillan's butt."
"Oh god, don't even get me started on that," Macey said before smiling.
"Now I have a mental image of it all over again. It took me forever just to stop thinking about it." Liz looked horrified.
"I wonder if he was there, though, and if we could figure out what butt was his." Something in Bex's voice changed to mission mode.
"Liz probably has some kind of butt recognition software, but come on guys, Zach's here. I don't know about you guys, but it's a little weird that we're talking about boys' butts in front of my boyfriend."
"Oh no keep talking. I've always wondered what you guys talk about when I'm not here. Just think of me as one of the girls," he reassured, smiling.
"That's a little weird," I said turning to him.
"What?"
"I'm trying to imagine you as one of the girls and a) you may look good in a dress in my mind, but that's still kind of creepy, and b) thinking of my boyfriend as one of the girls is just weird. I like you way more the way you are."
"Aw, did you hear that guys, she likes me for who I am."
"Yeah, she likes you just the way you are," Macey said, smirking, before she high fived Bex and Liz.
"Well I love you for who you are, too, Gallagher Girl," Zach whispered in my ear as he wrapped his arms around me, pressing a light kiss behind my ear.
"I love you, too."
Maybe nothing is okay with me at this very moment, but I have my friends, and I have Zach, and as long as I have him by my side I feel that I can get through anything. Nothing is clear for sure, but in time the fog that's over my life will clear and I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel that will tell me it's almost over. For now all I have is Zach, and I guess for now that's enough because he's my rock and I don't know what I'd do without him. I have to believe that someday life will get back to the way it was, and until that happens; I'll just keep waiting and hoping.
Author's Note: Happy last day of Lyme Disease Awareness Month. This month has meaning to me because a year and a half ago my older sister was diagnosed with Advanced Neurological Lyme Disease, which means the Lyme bacteria went to every part of her body including her brain over a course of ten years because it went undiagnosed for so long.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) is also known as CFIDS - Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome, or ME - Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. The first time I got Chronic Fatigue was the Christmas of 2010, and I didn't get better until the summer of 2012. Almost four months ago I relapsed with Chronic Fatigue again and haven't gotten better since.
I wanted to write a story that had to do with Cammie getting sick because, well, even spies get sick. I wanted it to go deeper than just the common cold and decided that Chronic Fatigue is different enough and not a lot of people know about it, plus I can relate, which made the writing process move quicker. I hope you enjoyed the story.
My family has been good with helping me through this; my best friend, Jay, has also always been there for me and I am forever thankful. I've said it a million times, but she means everything to me. I love you, Jay.
Quote: "Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words." – Emily Dickinson.
"Sometimes the strongest among us are the ones who smile through silent pain, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles nobody knows about." – Unknown.
-GymGirl904.