Swinging Both Ways
Disclaimer, disclaimer: not mine. Though I wish it was :sigh:
On a stormy night in February, Riza Hawkeye decided to gather a small band of accomplices to meet in the dark and quiet army kitchens to discuss a most serious matter.
Lighting one tiny lantern placed in the center of the old wooden kitchen table, she glanced about at the congregation before her. Edward Elric looked cranky and murderous in sky blue boxers and a black shirt with Alphonse Elric stooping next to him in an adjacent chair emanating the feeling of stupor from his metal. Major Fury was yawning and adjusting his glasses constantly, as if that could wake him up. Maria Rose was trying to liven up by cradling a cup of black coffee in her hands, but her head still drooped. Even Alex Louis Armstrong looked very dead as he snored gently, bent over the table holding his teddy bear adorned in a matching lilac nightgown. Depressed that the only alert one at this gathering was Black Hayate, perched on her shoulder, she decided to hurry the meeting before any of her superiors found out.
"Ahem" Hawkeye whispered loudly. Fury jumped in his seat. Maria Rose almost spilled lava-hot coffee on herself.
Riza ignored this and continued.
"I've gathered you all here today, well, tonight, to discuss a very important issue dealing with our own Colonel Roy Mustang. And his right-hand operate Maes Hughes. And Havoc." She honestly did not know what she going to say afterwards. Hawkeye had hoped that just saying that would have made everything clear for all around the table. Instead, Ed just remarked naively, "What about them?"
This would be very difficult. However, as a soldier, she wouldn't back down.
"Haven't you ever noticed their unusual, um, behavior?" she stuttered bravely.
"Like the way the Colonel and Hughes and Havoc always have lunch together in Mustang's office?" Fury added helpfully and blearily. At least now they were thinking.
"You know, Roy and Havoc have lunch together often. I once barged in on their little lunch meeting, and all the lights were closed and they dragged up two desks facing each other. It was like a bad date." Maria said slowly, her eyes clearing up from her drowsiness.
"Oh, I've barged on in them once too!" Al recalled cheerfully, "And then I heard Hughes go in and complain about them not eating with him!"
Hawkeye's heart was cheering. NOW they understood what she meant!
"They always meet together early in the morning over coffee in Hughes' office. And yesterday Havoc said he split a scone with Hughes." Ed volunteered. Armstrong was now looking thoughtful, his bear sitting on his lap. "Hawkeye, what are you getting at? You know as well as all of us that Colonel Roy Mustang and Maes Hughes and Havoc surely aren't…well…"
"Alex Louis Armstrong," Riza said solemnly, "I do believe so."
Uncomfortable silence. Only Black Hayate's toenails clicking on the linoleum floor and the rain hitting the windows made a sound. Everyone around the table looked incredibly worried and perturbed.
Ed erupted first. "This is retarded! Come on, Riza, Roy is the most perverted and chauvinistic man on the planet! He wants miniskirts in the military, how can he NOT be straight?" He had a point there.
Al nodded in agreement, "Ed's right. And Hughes is happily married and obsessed with his daughter. Havoc's always chasing after girls. That's very straight stuff." The members around the table began murmuring in agreement and nodding their heads. This was bad. They didn't understand.
"Boys," she remarked, fixing her eyes on the two, "Those three are a different breed. Those three swing both ways."
Two pairs of eyes grew very big at that sudden notion.
Armstrong suddenly slammed his fist down, creating a very large dent and several splinters in the wooden table. "There is only one way to truly find out!" he declared loudly. "SHHHH!" all whispered angrily. He continued, "We must inspect their rooms and confront them directly!" Fury gave a cheer, Maria Rose clapped her hands together in joy and Ed smirked. Even the lilac clad teddy bear seemed pleased at the prospect. There wasn't much of a choice, was there? Riza thought. Even Hayate was wagging his tail. Her last ally decided to go with the man's deranged plan, too. Great.
"Onward to Colonel Must-mmph!" Five hands clamped over Alex Louis Armstrong's mouth.
Thirty minutes later and clothed in raincoats, warm shoes, pants, shirts, and armed with umbrellas and troubled minds, the team marched purposefully toward the Mustang apartment. Luckily, the Colonel lived on the first floor, and they could see a glow in the windows, meaning that he was still awake at the unholy hour of 12:00 AM, doing who-knew-what unholy business. Riza was tacitly and unanimously elected as the sacrificial lamb, er, knocker of the door. Giving the brass doorknocker in the shape of a salamander a smart knock, she waited for the door to open. Nothing. She rapped again. Again nothing, though she swore she could here sounds emanating from the apartment. She shuddered to think WHAT was going on in there. Suddenly, a familiar voice hollered from behind the door, "HAVOC, YOU'RE FINALLY BACK WITH THE STUFF! GET IN HERE ALREADY, YOU MORON!" Maria Rose jumped and collided into Cain Fury who in turn rammed into Armstrong. The Elric brothers crashed when Ed turned to the left to dash away and Al turned to the right. Hawkeye tentatively opened the door, popping her head in, closing her eyes, saying as calmly as possible, "Ah, sir, it's not Havoc. It's Lieutenant Hawkeye, sir. Came to see how you were doing um—"Before she had to fabricate a reason, someone dragged her in.
"Hey there, Hawkeye! You came for some Mustang love?" Hawkeye dared to pop one amber eye open and recognized that Hughes dragged her and the rest of her band into the cramped quarters. He was also the one who said that disgusting comment. She could also see the Colonel sitting on the ground amidst magazines of bikini-wearing women and empty bags of junk food. Now she opened the other eye.
"What do you want, Hawkeye?" her superior said crossly, as he flipped through an issue of "Fantasy Costumes" monthly with a naughty-looking nurse on the cover.
As far as she could see, the apartment was very straight. As in dirty and appropriately ugly in the Mustang fashion. Dirty dishes piled up in the metal sink, magazines with women on the cover scattered themselves all over the apartment, covering the dark blue couch, the top of the TV, the taupe colored carpet, the kitchen counter, etc., etc., etc. Al and Ed were inspecting the refrigerator but only found beers and a jar of three year old pickles. Maria Rose was currently trying to clean all the dirty plates, Fury was being dragged by Hughes onto the coach and given a bag of pork rinds of eat. Louis Alex Armstrong tried desperately to find something pink, or lacey, or gay looking in the apartment, but Mustang's compound was one hundred and seventy three percent MAN.
Riza sighed. It looked like her suspicions were wrong. Her colonel and his friends were positively straight. They were just incredibly good friends. Nothing queer here. Pathetically, she murmured, "Well, you look healthy, sir, so we'll just be off now. Um yes, come on guys. Let's leave these manly men to themselves." And with that second-rate farewell, the group trudged out, with Hughes happily waving good-bye and Roy sourly glaring them home. Before they could exit, Ed yelled out, "hey, what DID Havoc go get?"
"More BEER, Fullmetal! Get GOING! Island Battle Babes is going to be on!" retorted Mustang loudly across the hall. And with that, he slammed the door.
"So they ARE straight" Riza said dejectedly, bowing her head in shame. "It's okay" Maria Ross said, patting her shoulder comfortingly, "three men hanging around each other all the time is strange. Nothing odd about being suspicious about their activity." She had a point. As they took off boots and hung their coats, Al suddenly stopped short.
"Wait," Al said, "Why would Havoc need to get more beer if all they had WAS beer?"
"Maybe they wanted more to get wasted," Riza replied, "Just go back to your rooms and get some sleep."
A few minutes after Riza and her battalion of queer-hunters left, Havoc returned with a bag. He let himself into the apartment, and the two men raced forward.
"Got what we needed?" Mustang whispered excitedly.
"Definitely. Whipped-cream, a pair of leopard-print handcuffs, more beer, and a manual with all sorts of interesting tips." He said nonchalantly. The three smiled evilly.
"Gentlemen," Hughes proclaimed solemnly, "Let's get dirty."