Hi, everyone!!!! Thanks for joining me on another adventure, starring Stephanie Plum and friends, & Ranger and the Merry Men. This is the sequel to Can't Bill The Insurance For THAT!, where Lester Santos meets his match and Stephanie and Ranger start their family together.
This time, hilarity will ensue as the fearsome four (Ranger, Tank, Lester, and Bobby) and their wives embark on a parenthood journey, one comedic disaster at a time. Beginning with how it all started…
Disclaimer: I don't own any of JE's characters, but I do own Dayna Marrero and Ana Arias (I'm working on owning Lester, though. I'm only letting Dayna borrow him.)
As told by our very own Stephanie Plum-Manoso…
A warm breeze blew in off the ocean and settled around Ranger and I as we swayed barefoot in the sand, completely content and relaxed. He pulled me close and kissed my forehead.
"You look so beautiful tonight," he mumbled to me. "It's almost not fair to the bride."
I blushed and Ranger's chocolate-brown eyes sparkled in the orange glow of the Tiki torches that surrounded the makeshift dance floor, which was really just a large spot in the powdery sand in front of the reggae band. Tank and Lula cha-chaed past us, caught up in the rhythm of the island music, their hips gyrating together and Lula's curls bouncing.
"Pffft," I scoffed, smiling. "There's no comparison. Look at her." Together, we turned our gazes to the giant white tent set up near the water's edge and spotted Dayna Marrero-Santos standing next to the table where Lester's folks sat, smiling and chatting up a storm with his mother. Her long brown hair flowed down her back in thick waves and blew in the breeze, and words couldn't describe how happy she looked.
"She won't be too thrilled when she sees what Lester and the guys are doing with their ties," Ranger said. Not far from where Dayna stood sat Lester, Bobby, Manny, and Erik. All four of them had their black silk ties wrapped around their heads like Ninja bandannas and were arguing loudly over who got to do the last shot of Patron.
I laughed and hugged Ranger tighter to me. Behind us, the waves crashed and a lone seagull sang out a witty tune. I watched as Dayna gave Lester's mother one last smile and then made her way over to where the guys were sitting. Bobby had won the tequila argument and was well on his way to oblivion, thanks to the full open bar in the far corner of the reception tent.
Dayna approached Lester, whipped the tie off his head and, laughing, bent down to say something into his ear. He must have liked the sound of it, because he responded by pushing his tongue deep into her mouth and squeezing her ass through her satin halter dress. Erik and Bobby whistled loudly and Manny gave a bark of throaty laughter.
"I'm surprised she didn't strangle him with that tie," I laughed. Ranger nuzzled my neck and mapped kisses up to my ear. I shivered involuntarily.
"So are you enjoying Miami, babe?" he asked me huskily.
I smiled up at him. "I'm having an awesome time, Ranger."
"High crime and horrific traffic aside, it's a pretty neat place. You've got South Beach, which is where we are now. The American Airlines Arena where the Miami Heat plays, Ocean Drive, Coconut Grove…lots to see and do."
"What are you, a travel commercial?" I laughed. "Royal Caribbean would be lucky to have you."
"I think it would be nice if we got to visit some of those places before we head back to Trenton." Ranger brushed a few stray curls out of my eyes and gently kissed my nose. The reggae band had just started up their version of "Red, Red Wine" and several couples made their way to the sand to enjoy the music and the warm breeze.
"What's the name of this hotel again?" I asked Ranger, motioning behind us towards the mammoth beach-front resort we were all staying at.
"The Setai."
"The Setai," I repeated. "I think it's the nicest hotel I've ever stayed in. Plus, all those free snacks in the cabinet –
"Babe," he cut in. "Those aren't free."
"Oh."
I guess he'd decided to let that go, since we were on vacation. The Setai truly was spectacular. The hotel management had made their pool and beach area available for the ceremony and reception. Several of us had decided to just go ahead and book rooms. This made sense because as it turned out, there weren't many guests who were in any shape to drive. I had no clue how much Dayna and Lester and their families spent on this wedding, but it was definitely close to six figures. Ranger was no doubt thinking that he paid his employees way too much.
"Nice pants, Bossman," Tank exclaimed, as he and Lula swayed by. They both looked down at Ranger's tan linen suit pants, rolled up at the ankles. His feet were bare.
"Can't dance at a beach wedding with shoes on," Ranger told them.
"Damn skippy," Lula agreed. I noticed that her blast yellow stilettos had been kicked to the side near the bandstand and were sitting next to my royal blue FMPs. I laughed as I got a gander at Tank's dark hairy ankles, dusted with sand.
"Plans for this evening, you two?" Tank inquired, pulling Lula close and continuing to sway to the beat of the music.
"They're probably gonna be headed up to their room after this to make another Bat-Baby," Lula scoffed, gesturing towards me and Ranger.
"Lula!" I exclaimed, smiling and blushing furiously. I was met with Lula and Tank's skeptical glares. "Yeah, okay. She's probably right. But no more actual Bat-Baby creating. At least not for awhile. How about you guys?"
"You know what we'll be up to. Right after our wedding, Tankie and I got down to business. We don't have no rugrats yet, but after tonight it's a possibility that all that Brown Bear Lovin' he's been giving me just might do the trick."
"Thanks for sharing," Ranger said dryly. "Good luck with that task, soldier." He saluted Tank, who barely mustered up a small wave in return due to his mortification. Someone placed a chair in the middle of the dancing area as soon as the song ended, and we all gathered around to watch what was going on.
"It's time for the groom to show his new bride some of his moves!" announced the lead singer of the UB40-knockoff reggae band. Several cheers and claps erupted from the guests on the dance floor, and a few people whistled. The rest of the guests poured onto the dancing area and gathered around the chair. I spotted Bobby, Erik, and Manny and waved them over to us. Manny had his arm around Bobby, guiding him through the throng of people. Bobby was cracking up about something that no one else seemed to find all that funny.
"He's had a LOT of fucking tequila," Manny hissed to Ranger and I, when they'd reached us.
"Where's Ana?" Ranger asked Manny. "She's supposed to be keeping him in line!"
"Right here," a voice cut in smoothly from behind us. Bobby's long-time girlfriend Ana Arias stepped into view and took over Bobby's care. "Baby, how much have you had to drink tonight?"
"Ummm…I really don't know. Damn, you're hot!" Bobby slurred to Ana. She laughed in a no-nonsense kind of way and let him throw his arms around her. She propped him up and had her arm around his waist in case he fell over.
"You'll be singing a different song later," Ana said wryly. Her tight black curls tumbled around her shoulders and Bobby leaned in to give her a sniff.
"Mmmmm," he said dreamily. "Baby, you smell like coconuts. I could just…"
"Just what?" Tank cut in, frowning. "You're out in public, you know."
The crowd erupted in cheers again as Lester, sans Ninja head-tie, made his way to the dancing area. His lopsided smile was huge, his white dress shirt had a few buttons undone at the top, and his Armani suit pants were custom-tailored.
Lula nudged me. I heard her whisper, "Sometimes I think Batman and my Tankie got nothin' on that one." She nodded towards Lester.
"Ahem!" Ranger coughed. "Tank, control your woman."
"Yes, sir," Tank replied. He silenced Lula with a quick pinch on the hip.
"Is that a preview of later on, my dark chocolate milkshake?" Lula seductively stage-whispered to Tank.
"It's a preview of divorce, if you keep up that kind of talk about my co-workers," he growled.
The crowd continued to cheer as Dayna appeared at the edge of the dancing area, her pristine white dress billowing in the breeze. She smiled a thousand-watt smile at Lester and gave him a small wave, and he crooked a finger at her to join him at the chair in the middle.
"Have a seat, Mrs. Santos!" the lead reggae singer announced. Dayna sat gingerly in the seat, keeping her balance in the sand. The crowd of close to two hundred was going crazy. Lester knelt down in front of her after placing a sweet, gentle kiss on her lips. He lifted up the hem of her dress and thrust his hands underneath it to pull off her garter.
Lester must have had more nefarious intentions, because whatever he was doing under there caused Dayna's eyes to glaze over and a deep blush to rise up on her cheeks. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and when she let it pop back out, she mouthed, "Our parents are here!" to him. Lester laughed and whisked his hands out from under her dress, and he had her lacy blue garter in his fingers. The crowd erupted in whistles and cheers again, and the reggae band suddenly turned Ritmo and started up a sexy salsa number.
Lester pulled Dayna to her feet and kissed her thoroughly before shooting the garter into the crowd like a rubber band slingshot. To everyone's absolute horror, Bobby must have gotten a sudden burst of coordination because his brown hand shot up and grabbed a tight hold of the piece of elastic blue lace.
"Yesss!" he screamed. Ana looked embarrassed as Bobby wrapped the garter around his bicep, muttering something about "all of us coming to HIS wedding next."
Lester and Dayna began to dance salsa, their bodies pressed close and their hips twisting in seductive Latin rhythm. They looked relaxed and were smiling, and I realized that this was the happiest I'd ever seen Lester Santos. Bless Dayna's heart for making a man like him settle down. Several couples, including Dayna's mom and dad and Lester's parents, joined them in dancing.
"They're pretty good," I said, nudging Ranger in the side and gesturing towards Lester and his new bride. He took me in his arms and held me close while we swayed back and forth.
"She's Cuban," Ranger told me. "She's naturally got it in her."
"And you don't?"
"Babe."
"Oh, come on, Ranger! I haven't seen you dance since our wedding!" I whined.
"That's not true. You danced with me at TPD's Halloween Lock-Up last year."
"For like, two seconds. Right before Hector fell in his 80's roller skates and ended up at the St. Francis ER with a knee brace."
Ranger chuckled. "Yeah. The bastard ruined that one for me."
"If you dance salsa with me right now, I'll make it worth your while," I said seductively. Ranger said nothing. He returned a wolf's grin back to me.
"Babe. Enough." The subject was closed. Ranger held me close and continued to sway back and forth.
"Fine," I huffed. We spotted Cal and Erik over at the bar, under the tent.
"Want to go get something to drink?" Ranger asked me.
"I could go for another mojito," I replied. I slipped my hand in his and we kicked our way through the sand, to the reception tent. We bellied up to the bar and Cal immediately turned to us. Erik, in a hideous suit that De Niro in Goodfellas would have envied, was indecisively scanning the row of liquor bottles lined up behind the bartender, trying to select a drink. He settled on something with Captain Morgan's in it and the bartender began blending up a white mixture.
"Bossman," Cal said, doing the complicated guy handshake with Ranger. "Bomber." Cal kissed me on the cheek.
"How's it going?" I asked Cal.
"Can't complain. Awesome wedding," Cal replied. "Perfect weather, too."
"This is the shit!" Erik suddenly exclaimed, turning to us and brandishing a huge hollowed-out coconut, complete with a funny straw and tiny umbrella poking out the top. I could smell the rum from where I stood.
"That's a pretty big drink, Salvatora," Ranger piped up.
"It's a piña colada," Erik replied. "Made special by my man Juan here." Erik gestured towards the blushing bartender in the white guayabera.
"Bottoms up," I said to Erik, as he and Cal headed off towards the dancing area. I turned to the bartender. "Juan? Can I get another mojito por favor?"
"Sí, mi amor. Un segundo." Juan set to work on my drink, his deft fingers skillfully crafting the alcoholic creation. Within thirty seconds, he'd put together a tasty-looking mojito, complete with spearmint leaves and lime wedges.
"Gracias," I told him. "It looks muy delicioso." I took a sip and grinned.
"Su español es bueno, señora," Juan said. "Tu marido te ha enseñado bien."
I just giggled. I turned to Ranger and whispered, "What the hell did he say?"
"He said your Spanish is good and that your husband taught you well." Ranger snagged a Corona from Juan and he and I began walking back towards the dancing area.
"Well, my husband has taught me all kinds of stuff."
"And there's more learning where that came from." Ranger smiled another wolf grin at me and leaned down to nip at my bottom lip. He whipped out his cell. "I'll give my mother a call to see how Samantha's doing."
"Wait," I said, placing my hand on his arm. I craned my neck to see around the crowd in the dancing area. "Is that…BOBBY?"
To our absolute horror, a very drunk Bobby Brown was up on the stage with the reggae band, mike in hand, getting ready to belt out a song. He still had the Ninja tie on his head, his dress shirt was unbuttoned halfway, and he had stuck small palm branches into his pants so that they hung down like a skirt. Luckily he was wearing a tank top under that dress shirt, or the entire crowd would have seen the amount of chest hair he'd inherited from his mother. I cringed. It was like Chewbacca meets Planet of the Apes. The band strummed out the opening chords to "Could You Be Loved" by Bob Marley, and I saw Ana do a slow burn at the back of the crowd. Bobby still had Dayna's garter around his bicep.
"This is the best man speaking. I'd like to dedicate this song to my best friend and his new wife!" Bobby shouted into the mike. I spotted Lester and Dayna smiling at the front of the crowd, eagerly waiting for him to start singing. Several people had begun bouncing and clapping to the music.
The next four minutes or so would turn out to be some of the worst in my life. Ranger had seen death and destruction in third-world countries, dealt with poverty and widespread disease overseas, and been on missions that Satan himself couldn't have even survived. I'd given birth to an eight-pound baby and often times spend my days rolling around in garbage and what appears to be animal waste. But nothing – nothing – could have prepared our eardrums for what they were about to withstand.
Bobby's rousing rendition of that reggae classic was definitely not music to anyone's ears. I was certain that Ranger's nuts had shrunk down to the size of marbles by the time Bobby began the second verse. Ranger was beside me, bopping his head along to the beat. His facial expression belied his gestures, because he was clearly grimacing. I checked out Dayna and Lester's reactions. They had stopped clapping after Bobby's first "Could you be loooooved...and be lo-ooooved" and were staring at him with shocked looks on their faces. I was damn sure that whatever sexy mood they'd been in before the song had started was now extinguished.
"Thank you, thank you!" Bobby was shouting to the crowd. He handed the microphone back to the lead reggae singer, who looked more than happy to have it back. Surprisingly, Bobby was somewhat of a hit. He got some cheers and claps from the few folks who were still conscious. Ana came forward and helped him down from the small stage before leading him to the reception tent to settle down.
"Can you check out my ears? Are they bleeding?" I asked Ranger. He looked at me.
"WHAT? I can't hear you."
"Never mind."
When the reggae band had reclaimed their place on stage (and their dignity), and Bobby was safely out of reach of the mike, everyone started drifting back onto the dance floor. I had finished my mojito and was working on a strawberry daquiri.
"Ranger?" I began, twirling a lock of his silky black hair around my pointer finger.
"Babe."
"I think I'd like to get you naked now."
"Would you," he murmured, smirking. Ranger drew his warm body to mine and kissed me just below my ear. His hands skirted my waist on their own volition, settling to rest on my hips just above my butt. My wild brown curls had been tamed into wavy submission, piled high on my head and secured with sparkly pins. I was wearing a royal blue knee-length halter dress that screamed "You want me!" as soon as Ranger's eyes had locked on it earlier in our hotel suite. However, the matching royal blue FMPs were NOT up to sand-dancing stipulations.
"Yes."
"But the reception isn't over yet," he mumbled to me. He nipped at my earlobe and I heard myself whimper.
"Dayna and Lester sure look like they're ready for it to be over," I muttered, nodding towards them. They were in the middle of the dance floor, pressed tightly against each other, talking quietly in each other's ears, and Lester's hands had begun wandering.
"Check out Tank and Lula," Ranger said, gesturing to his right-hand-man and my insanely…bright…partner in crime. Lula's lemon yellow tube-top number was blinding against the cocoa of her skin and the midnight blue of Tank's suit. They were dancing seductively near the back of the dance floor. Bobby and Ana weren't far away. They were back at their table under the reception tent, chatting quietly and stealing kisses every now and then. Bobby looked only slightly more sober than before, during his breakout reggae performance.
"What time is it?" I asked Ranger.
"It's quarter to one," he replied, glancing at his cell. "Latinos party for hours past midnight. If we don't leave now, we'll never get up to our room. Come on." He pulled me over to the dancing area. We sidled up to Lester and Dayna and Ranger clapped Lester on the back.
"Congratulations, man," Ranger said to him. Lester hugged him tight.
"Thanks, Bossman," Lester replied. "Glad you guys are here."
"We wouldn't have missed this for anything, Les," I said. I reached up and kissed his cheek before pulling Dayna into a tight hug. When we broke our embrace, Ranger pulled me back up against his side and kissed me on the forehead.
"We're thinking about heading upstairs," Ranger said, gesturing towards me.
"Go for it," Lester replied. "I'm sure it won't go on too much longer. Bobby's fucking fried, dude. My uncle Tito's going around asking everyone for ten dollars...Cal hurt his back dancing salsa with my cousin Veronica...and I think Erik got seriously bombed after drinking that giant-ass piña colada."
"Ana'll take care of Bobby," I assured Les. "Don't worry. And as for your uncle Tito...I don't think he understood when I told him I didn't have any cash on me."
"It's okay, Steph. He only speaks Spanish. Saying 'No dinero aqui' usually works just fine," Lester told me. "For future reference."
Dayna laughed. "I'm so glad everyone's down here in Miami," she said. "It really means a lot to us."
Lester nodded and slid his arms around Dayna's waist. "Baby. Just an FYI: Juan cut your mom off from the bar just now. Something about having served her a fourth or fifth glass of Chablis."
"Dammit! I was afraid this would happen." Dayna untangled herself from Lester's arms and hauled ass across the reception tent.
"So…see you in the morning?" I said to Lester.
"Maybe," Les replied. "Probably'll be more like afternoon." He waggled his eyebrows and threw us a saucy grin before dashing across the tent to collect his new bride.
I laughed evilly. "I feel really bad for whoever got unlucky enough to be stuck in the suite next to theirs."
"We did, babe. Remember?" Ranger said on a sigh.
Aw, crap.
Tank and Lula followed Ranger and I into the elevator and we all rode up to our rooms together, on the third floor. Tank and Lula couldn't keep their hands off each other and Lula kept promising Tank something called "The Big Bang", which, each time she mentioned it, caused his eyes to glaze over and his mouth to twitch in anticipation.
I shuddered, not wanting to think about any part of their Brown Bear Lovin'. When the elevator stopped at three, Tank and Lula bounded off without a second glance back to Ranger and I. Probably just as well; things would be uncomfortable between all of us in the morning if they hadn't gotten snockered at the reception downstairs on the beach. On the way to our end of the hall, we passed by Bobby and Ana in the vending machine room, their backs to us. Ana was filling a small plastic container with ice and Bobby was standing behind her, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. They were both cackling maniacally and I thought I heard the words "sweet little ass" escape from Bobby's mumbling lips. I had absolutely no idea what they were planning on doing with that container of ice cubes, but from the way they were acting it sounded like one or both of them were in for a really "cool" treat. Yowza!
Ranger had me pulled close to his warm body when we rounded the corner to our suite door. He held me flush against his side as he fished for our room key card in his pants pocket, pressing hot kisses just below my ear and whispering the naughty things he wanted to do to me when he could finally get me locked into the suite with him. Some of his suggestions were outrageous and made my lower pelvis burn in anticipation.
A loud crash to our right ruined the moment and Ranger and I stopped cold. To our complete surprise, Dayna had managed to slam Lester up against the door to their hotel suite and Lester, in between furiously trying to single-handedly unbutton the forty-six buttons trailing the length of the back of Dayna's wedding dress and swiping their key card in the door handle, had his tongue buried deep in her mouth and his knee between her legs.
"What the fuck is up with this dress?" Lester growled, in supreme sexual frustration, jiggling the still-locked door handle and frantically clawing at the back of Dayna's gown.
"Just rip it," was the belligerent, breathless reply. Lester ceased his door handle jiggling and took a moment to gaze down at his new bride. I watched his eyes darken into pools of onyx as he took in her unheard-of suggestion. Who rips a Vera Wang wedding gown?
"God, you're incredible," he finally exclaimed, yanking her closer to him and kissing her roughly. Lester used two hands to separate the intricately sewn-on row of perfect pearl buttons, ripping them from the dress and sending them flying towards us. A button sailed by Ranger's face and nearly knocked off his nose. Dayna and Lester were completely oblivious to our presence, and although I felt like a complete pervert for watching them, I found myself unable to look away.
"Lester…" Dayna whimpered against his lips. Her face was flushed and sweaty, her hair was wild, and her perfectly-manicured artificial nails were raking a fiery trail up Lester's bare back and down his chest under his dress shirt.
"I have not thought about anything else tonight except getting you back to this hotel room and making love to you until you're screaming for me never to stop," Lester growled to Dayna. At his words, Dayna's eyes seemed to transform into an even darker shade of midnight blue as she ground against his lower half, trying to feel him through the layers of satin and chiffon lace.
"Baby, I can't wait any longer," Dayna breathed in his ear. "I need you inside me right now." With one last growl and one final purposeful jolt of the now-unlocked door handle, Lester managed to catapult them both into their suite and, with a huge bang, slammed the door after them.
I realized I wasn't breathing and my face felt flushed and hot, like I'd had my head over a pot of boiling water.
"Earth to Babe," Ranger's voice was saying. It sounded like he was talking down to me from Jupiter. I let out the whoosh of air I'd been holding in and turned to face him. Ranger's eyes darkened when he took in my state and the beginnings of a wolf grin appeared on his lips.
"Sorry," I grumbled to him.
Ranger chuckled lightly and tucked a renegade curl behind my ear. "See something you liked?" he asked, nodding towards the spot where Dayna and Lester had just been moments ago. Jolts of fire swept down to my doodah. Hell yes, I saw something I liked.
"Think we could take them?" I croaked out, wrapping my arms around Ranger's neck and toying with the collar of his silk dress shirt. Ranger let out one of his rarely-heard barks of full-blown laughter and hugged me closer to him.
"I'm not sure," he said. "This is Santos and Ms. Marrero we're talking about. I think they're the hottest couple under the sun right now."
I scoffed, but I knew he could be right. I hated to think that some of the wind had already been knocked out of Ranger's and my sails. It was a silly thought, but part of me worried that someday soon Ranger and I wouldn't quite have what we used to have. We were already married. We have a beautiful daughter, but Samantha is hard work. It's not easy spending your days running around with an eight-month-old. Or chasing after a bunch of hygienically-challenged buffoons who, on a regular basis, decide they'd rather get smashed or finish sleeping off the previous night's booze binge instead of making it to their mandatory court appearances. Both Ranger and I have such crazy, hectic lives that sometimes it makes intimacy a little bit of a challenge. Not that intimacy with Ranger is any kind of a hardship.
"Babe, your ears are steaming. Penny for your thoughts?" Ranger was staring down at me with a look of concern etched on his handsome face. I shook my head and smiled.
"Just wondering if we're still just as hot of a couple as they are," I said. Ranger bent down to place a searing, open-mouthed kiss on my throat.
"Oh, I think we are. But...a challenge is a challenge," he grumbled, nipping up my jaw line and trailing his lips to my ear. A flood of wetness was introduced into my thong as I turned to absolute mush against him. Ranger had to hold me up or else I would have toppled over in my FMPs, onto the plush black carpet of the hotel hallway. Yeah, he still had it.
"Then get the damned door open, Batman."
Ranger resumed fumbling in his pocket for the card to slide into our door handle. "Hey, cut me some slack. Even Batman still has to use a room key."
What do you think? Shall I continue? Your input and thoughts are greatly appreciated!!!