Second chance for love?
Sully's POV - episode 'Happy Birthday'. Story writing challenge on forum "il était une fois docteur Quinn." (once upon a time, there was,,, Dr Quinn).
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"I thought you were her friend, her best friend, at least for my birthday, I know I would like to have my best friend at my side."
"Matthew, it's far more complicated than that, you know." I hoped these few words would be enough to make him understand my state of mind.
"No, I don't think so. I just wanna say that, the more you wait, the more chances she'll find another best friend."
I could barely hide the feelings and embarrassment his revealing words had planted in my mind.
Luckily, Matthew didn't expect any answer from me and left. Anyhow, there was nothing more to say. He was just predicting something that was most likely going to happen one day and there was nothing I could do about it.
At the mere thought of another man spending time with Michaela, my blood froze. Barely uncontrollable anger added itself to my feelings of hurt and pain, as well as to all the fears I had been having so far.
My thoughts wandered back to the Reverend, brimming with joy simply by taking a walk with her. I had never yet seen her at the arm of another man, except Ethan, and quite innocently I had hoped that I would never ever have to lay eyes on such a vision again.
My anger did not so much concern the Reverend or any other man attracted to Dr Mike. No, in all honesty, I had to admit that I was plainly angry with myself and with the frustration haunting me since I had heard of her forthcoming birthday.
The children had insisted that I would be at her side for the surprise-party organised for the occasion.
Brian had whispered a birthday gift to me which seemed to be more than appropriate to him: marry his mother, thus becoming his father and forming a real family...
Instead of being amused, I had to put things straight right there and then!
If there was one thing that I loathed, it was that people would try and tell me what to do and when, to not let me live my life at my own rhythm, a rhythm that I needed to have in my own control. No one was ever going to decide anthing for me.
Taken off-guard, my nerves played up and I just managed to say that I couldn't promise to be at that party.
Even though I saw the sadness on their faces, I just couldn't refrain from creating an escape route, however, since then I couldn't stop thinking which choice to make: going to the party to be close to her on this special day, or keeping my distance to avoid people taking my presence for what it really was: a sign of my affection for her.
Thrown off-balance by the short talk with Matthew, I decided to retreat to my lean-to and resume a task on which I had started two days ago.
Night had fallen hours ago, but I couldn't fall asleep. Sitting near the fire, I looked at the saddlebags I had just finished making.
If I decided to go to this party, I wanted to give her a present, a special present to let her know of my affection for her and the importance of the place she had taken up in my life.
My heart ached remembering the dress in Loren's shop. A dress I had been unable to buy for her.
It was a beautiful dress, just the type of dress Michaela would have bought and worn in Boston, but I had not even a quarter of what it would cost to offer it to her. What if she didn't like the saddlebags?
What if it wasn't good enough? We were so different from each other, my life was so different to hers.
She was so refined, so well-educated and I, what could I ever mean to her? She definitely deserved more than what I could ever offer. Would she even consider me for one single second?
Michaela... sometimes I whispered her name in the middle of the night, at those moments when I felt so terribly lonely and dared to dream of a different life, a life in which loneliness wouldn't be my sole companion.
So very often I wanted to be with her, to hear the sound of her voice, inhale the scent of her fancy soap or feel the warmth of her body against mine.
Dreaming of her had become an almost daily need, even though culpability never stopped popping up in my mind, each time I allowed my thoughts to stray in this direction.
I had never felt such unexpected and strong feelings for Abby.
I had promised her to never love someone else but her. Yet an inner voice kept calling out that I was betraying this promise, her memory, if I were to give free flow to my irremediable attraction to Michaela.
No, I was not yet ready to give love another chance, maybe I was even destined to live my life alone for the rest of my time...
The next day, I still felt lost. Looking at things the way they were, I realized I had been lost since the first time I laid eyes on her. Now I needed to shed this frustration and I decided to go and see Cloud Dancing.
Galloping at full speed across the prairie with my Indian brother, the fresh air struck my face. Within minutes, I felt at peace for the first time in many days.
I won the race we embarked on, I was ahead of him all the way. But this victory over my brother held no special meaning for me, the truth being that I just wanted to leave it all behind me, the need to feel freedom growing with each step of my horse.
Cloud Dancing was right: no one could have beaten me that day. "Is it a woman you're trying to flee from?"
"Do the Spirits tell you that?" I said, refusing to admit what was clearly so evident.
"No. It has been many moons that you did not have love. But love's impulse can be strong, powerful and hard to kill. Look into your heart and you will be able to love again."
"I hope you're right," I confided.
"Long time ago, you were afraid of horses, now you ride faster than the wind," he concluded slightly smiling.
The party would start in two hours time. I went to my lean-to, finally convinced that I had to be at her side that evening. Even though I wasn't ready yet, I was still healing, but she had awoken something in me that I had believed was lost forever: hope.
I just couldn't flee from her anymore, especially on this day, I couldn't do that. I decided to stop listening to my fears. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting her. I'd rather endure any of the world's tortures than to disappoint her and make her suffer by not being at her side.
Having so decided, I opened my small trunk and took out the suit that I had carefully saved from my former life.
Many years had gone by since I had dressed up in such a fancy outfit. To speak the truth, I didn't feel at ease at all, dressed up like this. However, I wanted to please her, in a certain way I wanted to try and move closer to her world.
When I got to town, I stealthily walked towards the clinic. There I saw her, surrounded by the townsfolk. It filled me with happiness to know that she was finally recognized and respected as a doctor. She had done so much for this town...
She had done much for me too... Somewhat hidden and still hesitating, I observed the scene from a distance. Just at that moment, the entire group moved away towards the restaurant. Michaela remained behind, dreamily admiring the beautiful sign.
I took the occasion to approach her, my nerves soaring. Making her notice my presence, she was surprised, but to my great relief, she didn't judge me nor my attire ridiculous, on the contrary, she even said I looked handsome.
It was the first time she ever made a compliment concerning my physical appearance and I hoped she didn't notice the crimson blush I felt spreading over my face.
Reassured, I offered her my present, my eyes completely lost in hers. She was so beautiful, so beautiful that I had the impression my whole body went numb.
I managed to stutter a few words about the saddlebags, staring at her face, bewitched by the moment.
Visibly caught by emotion, she approached me. She placed her hand on my shoulder and when her lips reached my cheek to offer me a delicate thankyou kiss, I thought my heart was about to explode.
I didn't expect her to engage in any sort of physical contact to express her gratitude. When her lips left my cheek, I couldn't let it finish there, I just had to taste her lips, I couldn't fight my desire any longer.
The last barriers of my reserve crumbled and our lips touched. My longing to kiss and hug her against me, rocketed sky-high.
The sensation of what that simple kiss awoke in me, prompted me to dream about the effect a much longer and deeper kiss would have on us both.
But above all, I didn't want to rush things, so I forbade myself to take her in my arms and risk to reach a point of no return. This was my special birthday gift to a very special woman.
The End