Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.
A/N: Here it is, people. If you received this fanfic from an alert because you placed me on your list of Author Alerts, I am truly sorry. What you are about to read is without a doubt the most frightening and ridiculous Haruhi Suzumiya fanfic that has ever been written.
Oho, you might be thinking that this probably can't be anything scarier that I've written for horror.
You would be wrong.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Kyon is never really afraid these days.
Of course, he's had a few times in the past where he was scared of something (being menaced by your knife-wielding former class representative tends to do that), but now these days, nothing seemed to scare or surprise him anymore.
It helps when your best friends are an alien, time-traveler, esper, and the key to auto-evolution/a time quake/a god.
Yes. Several times already, he'd gone though a pattern of wooing over Haruhi to save the world from her teenage girl bitchiness, watched data-based lifeforms get vanquished by Yuki and Itsuki, helped Yuki gets feelings (though, they always seemed to vanish after a certain amount of time), ogle Mikuru, talk to the so-called Anti-SOS Brigade, but never really go along with what they had to say because of his boner for Mikuru or some chivalry shit, meet some new kid who'd try to steal his role of "Main Character", slave away for Haruhi for some boring school event, listen to Itsuki's philosophical bullshit and attempts to subtly flirt with him, put up with Tsuruya the hyena, Taniguchi the slimeball, Kunikida the background prop, Imouto the annoying as hell loli, and make sense of Big Mikuru's ridiculous riddles, all while doing his homework.
And people say this guy is lazy.
Things were beginning to look a bit bland for Kyon's relatively 'exciting' life.
He entered the clubroom just three minutes late of the usual time afterschool, already expecting the usual scene of Itsuki with his eye-closed smile and a board game, Mikuru making her delightfully sweet tea, Yuki sitting in her favorite chair, and Haruhi at the front of the room, ready to pin a death penalty on him.
Just another garden-variety, dazzling, ordinary, extraordinary, run of the mill, awe-inspiring, fan-service-filled, supernatural day.
Joy of joys... thought Kyon, ready for whatever lay beyond the door as he opened it slowly. Perhaps I can 'accidentally' catch a glimpse of Miss Asahina changing? So moe.........
But unfortunately for Kyon, today was not the case.
He had only gotten one foot in through the door before he knew all was not well.
First of all, Itsuki was not waiting with a cheerful smile on his lips or a board game set up on the table. The sandy-haired psychic was sitting at his usual spot, but he seemed like a completely different person. His blazer was actually off, revealing his white undershirt, the armpit areas dark with sweat stains, and the collar unbuttoned. The traditional red tie lay on the table in a little heap. Itsuki himself looked like a mess. Instead of a smile, he wore an opened-mouth grimace of worry, sharp breaths of air being inhaled and exhaled like machine-gun fire. His elbows were on the table and his hands were placed on top of his head. Each of his fingers was massaging the scalp, hidden by the unkempt locks of hair that were matted with perspiration. Kyon could clearly see a vein throbbing in his forehead. Both of Itsuki's unblinking bulging eyes were locked downward onto the surface of the table in front of him as if it were the most interesting thing in the room.
His gaze shifted over to Mikuru. Like Itsuki before her, Kyon nearly did a double-take at the sight of her. Her hair was a mess of red tangles that hung limply from her head, instead of the well-groomed tresses she usually sported. Her maid outfit looked as though she had thrown it on in a hurry. The top was undone and showing off her cleavage (not that Kyon minded, you see), while the apron she wore was streaked with traces on liquid. Looking at her puffy, pink, and watery eyes, Kyon deduced that Mikuru had been crying and used the cloth as a makeshift handkerchief to dry her tears. She was pacing back and forth across from Itsuki, muttering incomprehensible things to herself. Her hands were clasped together under her bosom as if in prayer. Kyon strained to hear what she was saying.
"We're doomed... The world is doomed... The future is doomed... No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The entire universe is doomed... Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no, oh, no....." Mikuru moaned to herself in a lilting tone of voice. Another look showed that there wasn't even a single cup of tea anywhere. Nor the brewing of said steamy beverage.
Okaaaaay... Something is really bad here, Kyon mentally deduced. His eyes panned over to the top-right corner of the room for its third supernatural occupant. The task-completing boy blinked in confusion.
Itsuki and Mikuru's peculiar appearances had stunned Kyon. But perhaps the most astonishing sight of his friends was Yuki. The alien was as stoic and stalwart as a samurai, and the rare times Kyon saw that she was shocked, she usually blinked or made a plain remark to express herself. This wasn't the case. The alien with the patience with a saint was sitting in her chair as always, but facing towards the window. She wasn't holding a book in her diminutive hands as she did every day. Kyon had to angle his body a bit to see Yuki, but when he did, he received the knowledge that her feet weren't even firmly planted on the ground, but instead placed upon her chair. Her knees were up to her face and her crossed arms were resting upon the kneecaps. Her hands dangled limply to the sides. Kyon couldn't make out her face, though. Every once in a while, her body trembled as thought she were shivering in a blizzard. This was bad. Yuki never ever shivered.
Kyon must have stood in the clubroom door a at least two minutes before he noticed that not one of his friends had acknowledged his presence. "Ahem... Yo, guys? Everything okay?" he asked after clearing out his throat.
Itsuki, Mikuru, and Yuki seemed to finally detect that a fourth individual was in the room and turned or looked up from their activities. Their reactions were quite varied. Itsuki glanced at Kyon and let out a relieved sigh, and Mikuru's eyes burst into fresh tears as she ran towards him, crying out in gibberish, arms reaching out forwards to embrace him.
"OH, KYON, THANK THE HEAVENS!" Mikuru cried as she dashed at Kyon with open arms. She wasn't fast enough, though.
Someone beat her to him.
"Kyon..." Yuki breathed the word like the name of a secret lover as her arms encircled Kyon's waist tightly like hungry vines, and her head lay upon his chest. "You're here."
The alien looked up at him, and Kyon was surprised to see that Yuki was showing a trace of nervousness in her limited array of facial expressions. Her mouth was agape in a small 'o' and her eyes resembled those of a Barn Owl's. If it was possible, her skin looked even paler than a polar bear's stomach in a blizzard. Kyon would have fainted at her cute helplessness, but he managed to compose himself just in time just as Itsuki slowly got up from the table to approach him. Mikuru followed suit. All three stared at Kyon as though he were an extra-deluxe cheeseburger in the middle of a famine.
Pretty creepy.
"What's happening? You all look worried about something? Is it Haruhi? What did she do this time?" Kyon inquired. The only thing he knew that could get his friends to act like this was Haruhi. The girl was always causing catastrophic events every month; so why should today be any less different?
Rather than answer him outright, the trio just stared at him. Then slowly, but surely, each of them nodded (though, Mikuru shook her head like a gorgeous maraca). Kyon groaned to himself. He should have known.
"What did she do this time? Did she see hear a dumb rumor that I'm in love with another girl or something? Get pissed at the Student Council President? Finally not have something go her way for once?" Kyon guessed, not even attempting to hide the irritation in his voice. It was times like these he wondered if he ought to be helping an obsessive epser, a jerkass of a time-traveler, and a ghoulish alien not infuse his junior high friend with god-like powers. It would probably be cheaper and easier to his financial account.
But none of the three answered Kyon. Yuki, Mikuru, and Itsuki just kept looking at him. Something was definitely up. Feeling a tad spooked, Kyon shut the door behind him and took a seat, his friends still watching him with ghostly expressions.
"What's wrong with Haruhi? She's... She's okay, right?" Kyon asked, suddenly very worried about Haruhi's condition as though she were dead...
Uh, no.
Crap, crap, crap, crap, CRAP.
"Is Haruhi... dying? Is she hurt? Sick? What wrong with her? C'mon, guys, SAY SOMETHING!" Kyon practically screamed. Come to think of it, he hadn't even seen Haruhi today at all.
Itsuki let out a high-pitched mocking laugh from his lips. "Oh, no, Kyon, Miss Suzumiya is just fine. Yes..... Fine and dandy~..... Ha ha ha ha ha..........."
Itsuki sat back in his seat and continued to laugh. Placing his head between his hands, he burst into a cacophony of wild mirth. Kyon became more unnerved as the esper began to giggle hysterically until a stone-faced Yuki stomped over to Itsuki, grabbed him by the collar, and viciously struck him across the face with a ferocious backhand that would make a Frenchman green with envy.
"Get ahold of yourself, Koizumi," Yuki said bluntly with her usual monotone voice. It seemed more icy than usual. Kyon looked on in completer horror at the sudden explosions of out-of-characterness here. Meanwhile, Mikuru crept towards her tea-making supplies and began to make something.
"Sorry, Nagato. I just had to get that off my chest..." muttered Itsuki, nursing his head. "Oh, god, the pain...."
"Do you have a headache, Koizumi?" asked Kyon, actually concerned about his annoying and so-called best friend.
"Like you would not believe. It's like.... woodpeckers with ice-covered jack-hammers are going to town on my brain.... One of the perks that comes with being able to feel Miss Suzumiya's emotional states. I still can't believe my head hasn't exploded like a watermelon yet....!" growled Itsuki rubbing an ice-pack against his brow that he retrieved from his school bag.
"....Huh?"
It was at that moment that Mikuru shakily returned from the small table in the back, toting a teapot in one hand and a tray of cups in the other. Smelling a strong aroma wafting from it, Kyon gingerly took a cup from the tray with a smile. Giving his thanks, he slurped his drink without noticing Mikuru's wide eyes.
"Pfffffft! Gack! Ugh! What is this?" gagged Kyon, his taste-buds expecting a sweet experience of honey or herbs, instead of a robust flavor he recognized from earlier at breakfast with his father. "Is this.... coffee?"
"Black," Mikuru said plainly, taking a cup for herself and draining it in one gulp. Her expression suddenly brightened, causing a relaxed sigh to escape her pink lips. Itsuki and Yuki grabbed their cups and chugged them down as well. Kyon stared at his friends, completely struck-dumb. They drank their beverages voraciously, almost like antelopes during a drought on the savannah.
"Ahhhhhh~... That hits the spot," moaned Itsuki.
"Indeed. My nerves are relaxing as well. All sensory receptors have settled down to an optimum level of tranquility," Yuki said after her cup was empty.
"Glad I could help. It's from Brazil," smiled Mikuru.
"COULD ONE OF YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH HARUHI?" Kyon screamed, slamming a fist onto the table. Mikuru and Itsuki jumped, while Yuki sat still. The three exchanged glances, sighed, and faced Kyon.
Itsuki asked in turn, his tone deathly cold, "Haven't you noticed Miss Suzumiya's absence today?"
"I have now. She hasn't been here all day. What's wrong with her?" Kyon asked once again.
Mikuru whimpered, skittered over to her schoolbag, and withdrew a calendar with today's month on it. She stabbed her index finger at the third week of the month. Wednesday was circled in red marker, with a giant 'IMPORTANT! DON'T FORGET!' in block letters above it. Kyon raised an eyebrow.
"But it's only Friday of the first week. What going on with the date you circled?" Kyon asked, his fear growing.
"A classified information has come up. One that we have not foreseen. It was this classified information that caused Miss Suzumiya to classified information on classified information today, instead of that day!" Mikuru whimpered, crying again. She soon gave up on trying to hold it together and collapsed to the floor, bawling like a baby.
Kyon swallowed hard, resisting the urge to pat Mikuru on the head. "Nagato... What is happening today instead of in two weeks?"
Reaching his seat in a matter of only four steps, Yuki faced Kyon and uttered nine simple words that would forever cause his bowels to clench in revulsion and fear.
"Haruhi Suzumiya is prematurely experiencing her menstruation cycle today."
As Kyon's jaw fell through the floor and into the bowels of hell, the clubroom door suddenly swung open. A blur of blue, white, and green stormed in, grinned widely, and then frowned at the state of the room.
"Huh? Why are ya all sad like that? You oughta be happy! Tsuruya's here to help ya have megas fun! Whatever has got ya down is probably nothing! Am I right, nyoro?" cheered the gleeful girl. "By the way.... any of you guys seen Haruhi today?"
It was shortly after that statement, that Mikuru entered the fetal-position and sobbed even louder.
A/N: Yeah......
Probably the ONLY Haruhi period fic ever made for this site, I am sure of that. We'll get to why Kyon has never noticed it before in the next chapter (which is still in progress).
Review this and you shall be forever remembered in the epic that broke ground in the Haruhi fandom!
C'mon, now... Don't be shy! You know you want to to!
And the reason I decided to post this up today instead of anything for my other fics is because I had this already finished and sitting around in my files, my next chapter for mt crack fic collection wasn't ready yet, and I wanted to give you guys something epic to read on my birthday today. Goodbye for now....